Kerr frowned, his tongue stud rolling around in his mouth as Ben pushed him to explain himself. He was coming off as a bit of a hypocrite and he, with his inclination for detailed narrative, chose to take some time to compose his answer. He wanted to be sure he didn't miss a point that might clarify his purpose. First, he nodded ruminatively at Ben's assessment of himself.
"Unfinished, unpolished, still growing," he offered as alternatives to the harsher-sounding 'incomplete'. "But I think you're selling yourself short, with such labels. It's not unusual for mortals of your age to be unformed and you've a convoluted background. Your heart was broken early and you threw yourself obsessively into finding an eternal life that would give you the amount of time you needed to properly compose yourself from a single movement into a four-movement symphony. You poured everything into it, to the detriment of your emotional and social development so it's not a surprise to me that your development is uneven," he shrugged.
It was certainly a much more eloquent presentation than his earlier directive to 'grow up and own his shit', Kerr acknowledged ruefully.
"And what your movie memories and your current schism are failing to use for clarification is my development, beginning from when you came into my life. Don't forget, I loved one woman my entire mortal life and she was someone I could never hold, never visit, never claim for my own because I was her secret lover. Once I was sired and my life destroyed, there was only Sawyl and my relationship with him was hardly traditional or nurturing. No-one's meet-cute includes the punchline 'because Stockholm syndrome brought us together'," Kerr laughed wryly, giving Ben a pained smile.
"It was only once we came to this city - in the middle of the supernatural apocalypse - that my family went feral enough to release their hold on me. When the Oligarchy cleaned everything up, there were still so many species and possibilities for them to explore that my leash was finally loosened. I met you at a pivotal time of change and, unfortunately for you, you became my catalyst, my saviour and my raison d'etre. Like a man clinging to a buoy, you dragged me out of a prison and I fell hard for you. You were kept from me for so long, also, that when I finally got you for myself, I clung to you with everything I could, smothering you."
Kerr's mouth twisted and he looked regretful.
"I'm not proud of it but I know I've changed. My mindset has, anyway. You're why. I had the traditional belief that two people made a relationship work and monogamy was the only acceptable choice, so I was always completely threatened by any other alternative. Let's face it, you're better looking than me, more socially astute than me and more charismatic than me. Nobody looks at me twice when you're beside me," he chuckled, his words honest and in no way resentful. He wasn't blind.
"So when you suggested anything other than me getting to have you in the way I always wanted to have Tara - as mine completely - I balked. We fought. Often. I've been changing too, though and it took me 'dying' to really figure it out. When I came back and you were still waiting for me, I knew. I was finally confident enough to release my stranglehold on you because I know you'll come back to me. We'll be connected forever and that would be torturous if you were constricted into something that suffocated you, rather than nourished."
He smiled crookedly at Ben, thinking of how it had backfired with Saraekiel but trying to come to terms with that, too.
"I don't want anyone else because that's me. You're just different and that's okay. I have passing fancies for people - like Win - but it's really only for a taste of something different to share with you. I don't want to stagnate, either and new experiences are fun. They don't compel me like they do you, but I also have learnt that I'm okay with sharing you. Physically. I sometimes feel jealousy - my exaggerated emotions about last night notwithstanding - and I worry that that will put you off because... I don't know if that's against the rules or not? I guess we make the rules, though. Basically, I don't know if I'll ever want someone without including you. I came close with Jake last night so I suppose it's possible but... I dunno," he shrugged and then his expression grew concerned.
"What I'm most afraid of is that I'll smother you and you'll start to resent me, so I agreed to do what makes you happy because you are what makes me happy. Does that make sense? I know it's changed over time because I have. As much as you're growing, I still am too, in many way, so hopefully you can find some reassurance in that. We're all works in progress, unfinished scores and dancers without choreography. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel less for desiring something different. My reactions came from fear. I don't think of either of us as 'right' or 'wrong' and I don't judge us like that, if that's what you're feeling?" he asked hesitantly, tucking his air quotes away, back into his lap.
