It was one thing for him to fear these things, to worry over them through the day when the house was quiet and he was alone with his darkest thoughts; it was entirely another thing to have them hissed in his face with such conviction that he had no choice to believe them true. He turned his face from Ben's, blinking rapidly as he looked away, down at the carpet. Away. He wanted to run away, to leave and never come back. What was the point staying if Ben despised him so much he believed he could never be enough?
'Enough' was a terrible word. On the one hand, it meant that he was sufficient and it pleased him that he could meet a vampire's needs. 'Enough' wasn't the best or unable to be lived without but it was the right thing, at the right time. He was enough to make Kerr happy. Being 'not good enough' was utter humiliation, the worst failing, the most dismal, inadequate thing available. It was undesirable. He was undesirable to Ben.
He'd feared it. It was in the cool way Ben looked through him most of the time, in the hesitant or flat-out brutal touches he received. He'd bitten his lip and then used him for his pleasure. Cain had told himsel that was an improvement, it was a good thing to be in Ben's sights, even for just a moment. In that moment, he'd been enough. But it hadn't lasted and now he knew why. He was released, feeling like his hand was shunted aside and it drew his gaze back to Ben. He licked his lips and looked at his throat but, for the first time, it didn't make Cain's pulse leap. It made him feel cheap and of little worth. The way he'd felt all those nights at Risk, when he wasn't good enough for anyone at all.
It made him angry. It made him sad. It made him feel like Ben had betrayed him. He'd brought him here, promising they could share their lives, that he'd allow Cain the chance to show what he was really worth and now he was being stopped before he could even begin. He was being judged not good enough, yet Ben hadn't even put in the effort to try him. He'd dismissed him without testing him. It was the greatest of insults and it made him reckless. What did he have to lose, if he'd never been given anything? Not even a chance.
"How would you know?" he challenged. "You've never even taken the time to try me. Instead, you go out and fuck someone else or you fight with Kerr or you lock yourself away with your work," he asserted quietly, quailing internally at being so blunt and bitter but also so angry that the words felt good. The bit about fighting with Kerr wasn't his place to argue against but it bothered him, the way they didn't have peace. It seemed to him that it was usually because Ben was in a mood and he put Kerr in one, too (but that was kind of good, too, because it got him more time with Kerr). Sometimes, it seemed no one was good enough for Ben. He lowered his gaze, feeling shaky and shivery. "Don't tell me I'm not good enough when you've never even tried," he finished on a whisper.
