Spin Off

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had felt disconcerted for the duration of Ben's interview and the sensation of discomfort lingered even when it was over. It wasn't because of any of the political spin, though, so he tried to dismiss the feeling as Ben represented himself excellently through the show. The 'radio station' was really just a slung-together studio in the basement of Joe's aged house in the south west of the city, consequently Kerr had spent the entire evening behind a half-panel of glass and poorly plastered wall sheeting with the show's producer, Derek, while Ben sat with Tikki and Joe inside the booth.

From his position, he hadn't been able to properly make eye contact with Ben (though he could've spoken mentally with him, if necessary) but he'd listened to every word. The conversation in between songs had been broadcast but Kerr had found what had been said during them even more interesting. Joe had chatted freely with Ben. Tikki hadn't. Overall, Kerr considered the interview a resounding success but the questions based on what Ben had said wouldn't die; that gnawing sense of disquiet in him wouldn't let up, no matter how firmly he told himself to let it go.

Once final handshakes and compliments had been given, Kerr and Ben returned to their car. Kerr held Ben's hand as they walked up the stairs and out of the house and he pulled him in for a congratulatory kiss as he paused to open his car door for him. "You were wonderful," he murmured, winding his arms around Ben's waist and caressing his back as he tasted Ben's lips. He pulled back to listen to Ben's response, watched him slide into the passenger seat, closed the door after him and hastened around to the driver's side.

"I think that went very well, did you?" he prompted, starting the car and reversing out onto the street. As he drove, he tried to focus on the positives... and on the road.

[Trillian]

After the interview Ben was in a daze. It had gone unbelievingly well. He probably would've turned down the radio interview if it hadn't been for his recorded interview with Dana as a tester. He'd never liked the idea of being recorded but found himself able to power through and pretend that there weren't a bunch of people listening in. It was just him and whoever he was talking to.

He answered Kerr's kiss and said 'thank you' for the compliment, but the rush finally began to fade and he felt more like himself as Kerr drove them through suburban streets towards the city.

"It went really well. I panicked a bit when Tikki brought up Jake's policies and made me talk about them. I wanted to talk about what I stood for, but it felt like it flowed naturally and I got to show how I'm different. The ending felt really strong," Ben said, fiddling with the air-vents because he couldn't sit still. "I don't know where Jake's from but he's not from here. Not originally. That sounds... fucking... nationalistic. Ergh! It didn't come off that way, did it?" he asked, suddenly anxious that he would sound like a xenophobe.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr chuckled. "No. You made your point that it was about you, not him. It felt that way, to me."

He fell quiet, debating. His awkward feeling wasn't going away.

"I was wondering, though... the stuff about us? 'We're very comfortable with each other now'? What was that? You make me sound like a pair of old, boring slippers."

Kerr breathed a laugh but it was short and humourless. He glanced across at Ben, betraying his interest in the answer.

[Trillian]

Ben was relieved by Kerr's response. He wouldn't give Ben a false read on the outcome and Kerr was very astute. Deep down Ben knew it was only his anxiety but it was difficult to feel differently. The interview had been a blur. Already he wanted to replay it. The flash drive with the interview on it was burning a hole in his jeans pocket. He couldn't wait to get home and hear what it sounded like.

Kerr's question made him laugh. He was so pumped by what he'd just been through that he didn't realise it hadn't been a joke.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, waiting Ben out. When it became apparent that he wasn't going to get a response, he prompted for one.

"Sweetheart? I mean it. Is that really how you view me? How you think of our relationship? 'Comfortable'?"

His derision for the term was clearer the second time.

[Trillian]

Ben's broad smile faded when he realised that Kerr was upset. He turned to stare at Kerr's profile, uncertain as to why Kerr was taking the adjective so badly. It was a positive one. What had he said about it? Old slippers?

"Yes, but not like old slippers. That's not the right... we fit each other now. We're comfortable with one another. We don't have sharp edges anymore."

He shrugged but Kerr was looking out the windscreen. Ben faced out that way too. "I feel... I mean it's..."

Ugh, why had he started talking again? Probably because of that stupid radio show. It had put him in a talkative space. "Do you not want me to feel comfortable with you?"

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr didn't answer quickly. He thought it over, releasing a sigh through his nose in the interim.

"Yes," he eventually decided. "It's just... so passionless. Resigned. Sure, there's fewer sharp edges but the way you told it to them, I'm your financial backer first, your campaign manager second and your comfortable partner third. It felt... backwards. Like your priorities for me aren't love or desire - and yeah, I know you weren't there to talk about us but they asked for a romantic story and you demurred. Made a joke about throwing yourself at me - that later came back to money, again. Never love." He paused to stew on his words a moment but had a quick addition.

"People listening to it are definitely going to know how serious and passionate you are about Central District, don't get me wrong. But me? I kind of came off as a non-romantic convenience at best and a sugar daddy at worst." It was a brutal assessment and Kerr cringed as he said it, wondering if he was being overly dramatic or harsh... but it was how he'd felt through the whole thing.

He became a punchline. It hadn't felt nice.

[Trillian]

Ben took a long time answering, his lips pursing and then he pulled them in while his teeth clenched. He was tasting a lot of different replies but he didn't like how any of them sounded. He was playing out a few ways their conversation might go as well and none of them ended on a good note. Eventually, on the one starter that he couldn't figure out how Kerr might answer, he spoke it.

"It's true I made a joke. The other option was to give them a run-down of what we've been through."

He was stony-faced when he said it. His movie-memories always leant him a kind of detachment but he'd watched them enough times to form an opinion about them and the people in them. Declan. Arles. Ichabod. Lazarus. It wasn't any better when the memories held their emotions either, with still more people between them. Jack. Themba. Jenna. Ichabod again.

Their story was anything but romantic.

[Existentially Odd]

"No it wasn't!" Kerr replied scornfully, glancing at Ben with a frown.

"The other option was opening yourself up, which you didn't do. Your joke could easily have gone along the lines of throwing yourself at me and, all these years later you still do, implying that we're not just 'comfortable', that you're actually in love with me and that I turn you on. They like it, you know. I told you after the carnival, how they all want to know that part of you. But you shut it down. And they laughed at me."

He gnawed on his tongue stud, the truth of it coming out.

[Trillian]

Ben rolled his eyes at the windshield and turned his head so he could look out the window. Kerr couldn't be fucking happy. He'd tried his damn best, faced his fear of speaking off the cuff, had been told it had gone pretty well but it wasn't good enough because Ben had dared to call their relationship comfortable.

"I'll make sure next time to mention how much we fuck."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr checked his mirrors, hit the brakes and swerved harshly to the side of the road. They were on a suburban street still - there was no traffic around to be impacted by his sudden manoeuvre but he'd done it safely anyway. He threw the car into park, pulled on the handbrake and turned to look imperiously at Ben.

"You'll what?" he demanded incredulously, challenging Ben to explain himself. He felt a bit like a television parent but Ben's attitude was childish so it fit.

[Trillian]

Ben was confused about the sudden parking manoeuvre. He looked away from the window and to the windshield, back to Kerr when he made his demand once the handbrake was on. What the fuck? His expression was irritable.

"There's not a lot I get excited about, or am proud of myself about," Ben said to Kerr's face, not really seeing him because he was looking inward more than outward. "Thanks for ruining that in less than a minute because you don't like the word 'comfortable'."

He turned his head again, not wanting to look at Kerr's face anymore. Fuck him and his insecurity.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr twisted in his seat a little more, letting his head fall back against the glass of his window while he observed Ben's demeanour. Accusing him of ruining his mood... he supposed that was fair. But accusing him of doing it over the word comfortable? That was just petulant. He thought of how he could easily remind Ben of how fantastically he'd done at the interview, coax him back to a better mood - and possibly even into an apology - and... he balked.

This was supposed to have stopped because they were 'comfortable' communicating. They'd had their cards-on-the-table, no-holds-barred moment. It hadn't been fun but it'd been effective. He wasn't going to fall into old habits and he wouldn't allow Ben to, either. This argument wasn't life shattering but it could instigate better habits for them. Kerr would have to lead, as usual, but he hoped it wouldn't be that way for long.

"It's you taking me for granted," he said quietly. "That's why I don't like the word comfortable. And I don't want to have to make you hysterical and think I'm going to leave you every time I want you to listen to me - no, every time I need you to hear me. The interview? It was fantastic. You know it, you felt it. Don't doubt it and don't be a dick at me because there was something I wanted to talk about. Me feeling taken for granted doesn't change how brilliantly the whole show went. What it's supposed to change is this," he lifted a hand, waggling a finger back and forth between them.

"Just you and me. I say I feel a way, you go, 'Oh really?' and we talk. I don't want to fight with you. I love you. Passionately," he couldn't help it; he grinned, even if the timing was marginally inappropriate. "And I'm proud of you and not looking to ruin anything, especially your happiness. I just have some notes regarding your comments alluding to me being kept around for what I can do for you, rather than to you." He grinned again, because it amused him to think about Ben actually talking about how much they fuck instead of making jokes about his money. Kerr dipped his head and lifted his hands towards Ben in an encouraging gesture.

"Your turn," he instructed, hoping Ben discussed rather than stayed on the defensive.

[Trillian]

Hysterical.

It was the kind of word that immediately caught Ben's attention and snapped his head back around to face Kerr. If Kerr hated the word comfortable associated with him, then hysterical was one of Ben's sore points.

He listened as Kerr accused him of being a dick. Ben didn't bat an eyelid at that because it was true and he knew it. Something was different about Kerr's reaction and it caught his attention. The more Kerr spoke the more obvious it felt to him that they were breaking a pattern.

"He... Tikki surprised me with that question, telling me we'd broken up. I didn't think about my phrasing until the second question, the harem one. He wanted to throw me off, I guess. Just my luck that Joe lives out here and Tikki's the one in Central because I think he's a Jake supporter."

With a sigh, he continued. "When I used the word comfortable it came from two places. I think of it as a long-term word for people who would never break up. There's a kind of permanency in it. There's also the... the 'old slippers' feeling to it, too. You're right. Just because I didn't mean that doesn't mean it didn't get come across as that. I... I take you for granted sometimes... a lot, and it showed in my language."

Finally, he finished with: "I'm sorry." Ben's gaze raked over Kerr's face, to see how he was taking it. Along their blood bond Kerr would sense a thread of caution in Ben's emotions. Not wariness so much as bracing.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr reached across the car and took Ben’s hand, smiling gratefully at him as love swelled in his chest, filling it almost painfully. Ben’s thoughtful response was everything he’d wanted and all that gave him hope.

“Thank you,” he murmured, squeezing his hand. Ben’s explanation was considered and logical, easing Kerr’s concerns. “I can live with the notion of permanency being comfortable.” He thought perhaps that investing in labels like fiancé or even husband would also concisely send the right message but he wasn’t sure about bringing that up again. He wasn’t sure either of them were quite ready... though changes like the ones he was witnessing in this conversation were persuasive.

“I think you’re right about that Tika guy being on Jake’s side and trying to sabotage your calm. He didn’t do it - not for anyone but me, anyway - though. I have an idea,” he warned, his eyes glittering mischievously as he  straightened up and swivelled in his seat towards the front of the car. “Put it in,” he invited Ben, indicating the USB media slot in his car’s dash while he pressed buttons to examine the car’s GPS. “The interview, I mean. Let’s listen to it together, now.”

Seeing what he wanted on the screen - a small playground nearby, with some parking spaces he could pull into and tuck them away in anonymously - Kerr put the vehicle in gear and pulled away from the curb, driving them towards their new destination.