Kerr's hands remained on Ben until he started talking about Saraekiel and Cain and then he pulled them away like he'd been burnt. He took a step back from Ben, a troubled expression on his face as he thought Ben's message through. He kept his gaze on Ben's face.
The connections Ben made about mortals being hurt by kindred were, on the whole, good. They showed growth that buoyed and reassured Kerr. That feeling plummeted moments later when Ben talked about lust and their respective recipients. He'd never have called it 'unprompted sexual attraction' and the implication that he felt something similar for Cain to what Ben felt with Saraekiel filled him with immediate, turgid rage so powerful that he couldn't completely block it from travelling to Ben via their blood bond.
Exhaling air through his nose, he walked over to a nearby couch and sat down, glowering at the coffee table, his fists on his spread knees like a schoolboy seated for his class photograph. He was offended by the notion that he felt 'unprovoked lust' for anyone except Ben... though he recalled what it had been like when he'd first met Cain. Grudgingly. As he sat and processed, his fury lessened and allowed him access to more rational thought, though his emotions remained turbulent. He folded his arms across his chest, still glaring anywhere but at Ben.
It stung. Being categorised as a slave to any emotion was anathema, let alone one so pathetic as lust. His hatred for Saraekiel clouded his judgment, too. It was very difficult to get past and acknowledge that that was where Ben's feelings for the dark angel went and no farther but if he put Cain and himself in their positions... he understood it and could deal with a little better. Sure, he liked looking at Cain and they sparked physically but he didn't feel anything close for him, compared to the enormity of his love for Ben. He could assume it was the same for Ben with the dark angel, which was reassuring. To a degree.
The problem was that he had independent hatred and disdain for Saraekiel that Ben also had to combat. His terror that Ben would be drawn to the Angel's darkness and be corrupted was lesser thanks to their discussion this evening but it wasn't completely gone. Saraekiel was a loose weapon, an abomination and corruption advocating free will and chaos. He offered nothing of value to the city and his passion for Ben just felt like a personal attack because Kerr hated him so much. Like he only cared about Ben to spite him... but that was ridiculous, he knew. He was not the centre of the universe and he wasn't even on Saraekiel's radar (for which he was grateful).
Worse than all of that was the additional lesson in humility for Kerr. Ben had just admitted he'd punished Cain and Kerr because he was jealous. They got to indulge their lust while the object of his was forbidden to him. Kerr gritted his teeth, the rage rising in him again as he contemplated allowing Ben to return to Saraekiel to slake his desire. Everything within him cringed and selfishness tainted his heart. He didn't give a fuck. So what if Ben resented him and Cain? Cain was a good person, an inconsequential mortal that would be out of their lives before they knew it. Such was the nature of mortality. Saraekiel was a threat that would never go away - unless someone actively tried to do something about him. Kerr had never wished anyone dead but Saraekiel was the top of his list now.
None of that stopped Ben wanting him, though. Kerr closed his eyes, rubbing his hands over his face wearily, though he'd just got out of bed. This shit was fucking exhausting. Hateful and hurtful. He opened his eyes with a sigh and looked to see where Ben was, frowning at him even though it was really himself that Kerr was upset with. He was in a precarious ethical position and he hated it but he was also obstinate and infuriated enough to be unwilling to change it. There was one thing he could do to make things fairer, though.
"Why is Cain still here?" he asked Ben bluntly. "Is it because you enjoy being a more evolved person than me?" he added with a reluctant laugh. "There is nothing in this world that would convince me to put myself between you and Saraekiel again. I did it once and it was horrific. I hate him and everything he stands for, I hate that you sided with him against me, I hate that you fucked him and would do it every chance you got. Jealousy... yeah, I get that, too. Terror, hatred, jealousy. And you've been living like that? That's insane and unbearable. Your treatment of Cain makes perfect sense now and I don't blame you. In your position... well. I'd never be in your position because I wouldn't stay to see you with Saraekiel," he admitted flatly, referring to the ultimatum he'd already issued Ben.
"But the point remains that you can't be expected to live between Cain and I. He needs to go."
