Shockwave

[Trillian]

With a hot glass of blood in front of him and seated at a high table where there was only one barstool, Ben watched everybody else around him interact. He was in the corner facing out, tucked to one side so that people entering the room would have to turn all the way around to see him. The lighting in here was a lot darker than even the Lounge area at Venture, because Charon preferred it that way. He wasn't here now and for that Ben was grateful.

Dressed in a violet button-up shirt over black pants and black leather shoes, Ben looked as polished as ever though he didn't feel it in the slightest. The only person who he made eye contact with was the waiter whenever they made a pass through the room, and he'd been keeping himself topped up because he was practising his mental scanning. It gave him something to do, to focus on the buzzing thoughts of several mortals nearby so that way he wouldn't play tonight's conversation over and over in his head.

Hopefully once he got home he and Kerr could pick it up again and address each issue separately. It had felt muddled up to him, like several things were happening at once and he'd been unable to keep track of it. He'd been lost a couple of times as Kerr made leaps without him. A little bit of space to clear their heads and then they could work it out.

He refused to think about Saraekiel.

When his phone vibrated he pulled it out, ignoring the looks some of the other VIPs were throwing him. There were no phones allowed in Venture, they had to be checked in... unless you were Sacramentum or a top level VIP. Even the standard VIP gold treatment couldn't get that for them. Either they were jealous or they were annoyed. He didn't care.

The screen told him it was Kerr. He accepted the call and held it to his ear.

"Hello," he greeted warmly, not wanting to start the new conversation badly.

[Existentially Odd]

"Hi," Kerr said, licking his lips because they were dry and even though he'd rehearsed what he was going to say, Ben's voice sounding happy and more relaxed made him second guess his decision. He didn't want to go and everything in him screamed to call the whole thing off. To stay and work it out. All of his practised lines flew out of his head.

"I love you," he began, watching as a waitress walked past him to deliver a drink to someone. He was sitting in the VIP lounge at the airport, waiting for his plane's flight plan to be endorsed so they could take off. He'd been told it would be about ten more minutes so he'd decided to call Ben. Just in case there was confusion. He swallowed, trying to find those words he'd thought up earlier.

"I want us to be okay." He licked his lips again, frowning and feeling ill. Saying goodbye to Cain had been hard; saying goodbye to Ben was impossible. "I... want to apologise. I feel bad about... everything and I want to give you a chance to explore. Everything. Properly. To be fair. And honest." The stilted words finally ran out and he waited to see what Ben thought so far.

[Trillian]

"I love you, too," Ben said automatically, feeling like they were on their way to sorting things out. He was so sure that Kerr was going to ask him to come home that when he didn't hear it he didn't quite understand what he was hearing. There was a long pause as Ben struggled to understand what Kerr was actually talking about in his opening statement.

"If you can wait half an hour we can talk about this face to face," Ben said. "And maybe only tackle one issue at a time?" It felt like Kerr was still talking about a few different things at once. It was confusing. Exploring and honesty and fairness... they were connected but there were still multiples in there.

[Existentially Odd]

"I'm not at home," Kerr said carefully, aware of the pauses in between the words more than the words they were saying to each other.

"I decided to give you some space to... it felt like you wanted to try exploring things properly. With Saraekiel. And I thought... well, that's only fair after what I've put you through. Even if I didn't realise how hard it was for you. I don't want to get in your way. I just... I'm not... I can't see it. So I'm just going to go away for a while. This isn't us breaking up," he insisted quickly.

"I love you. We love each other. We can be apart for a little while and when you're... done, I'll come back." He frowned, gnawing on his tongue stud.

[Trillian]

The words coming down the phone at him were so surreal that when Kerr finished talking Ben pulled the phone away from his ear and looked at the number again, just to make sure it was genuinely Kerr speaking. After checking he held the phone back to his ear and stared at the middle distance as his brain struggled to catch up.

It floundered. He floundered.

"What?"

His mind latched onto the last phrase Kerr used. When you're done, I'll come back.

When you're done.

[Existentially Odd]

Ben's confusion gave Kerr pause. He thought back over what he'd said, trying to figure out where he'd been unclear.

"Did I read it wrong? Do you want to get rid of Cain and just be us?" he asked, hope evident in his voice.

There was still time to reel this back in. As long as Ben didn't resent him.

[Trillian]

By the time Kerr started asking his next round of questions, Ben's brain had started firing and making connections. His asking 'what' had been almost like an audible delay, when processing was a split second later than verbalising. As soon as 'what' left his lips, he'd latched onto the last thing Kerr said, and worked his way backwards from there.

We can be apart for a little while + I'm just going to go away for a while + I decided to give you some space

It was a formula that added up to Kerr leaving him. Ben held his phone hard against his ear and listened for the ambient sounds behind Kerr. There shouldn't have been any if Kerr was in the penthouse, but he could hear some peculiar noises. Something whizzing, a repetitive clunking that was soft at first then got louder then softened again like it had come near Kerr and left him again, footsteps echoing. The space Kerr was in sounded big, like there were tiled or laminate floors, people around him.

Are you at an airport? he wanted to ask, but it felt like too big a question to pop out of his mouth, especially when his mind was still making connections.

I didn't realise how hard it was for you + that's only fair after what I've put you through

Was this payback for all the times Ben 1.0 had run away from his problems? Kerr didn't really believe that he was genuinely doing Ben any favours by abandoning him now, did he?

And then his mind made the final coup de grace.

it felt like you wanted to try exploring things properly + with Saraekiel

Ben closed his eyes, aware that Kerr's question about Cain had gone unanswered.

Had Kerr read it wrong? Fuck yes. Was getting rid of Cain the answer? Fuck no. Kerr had delivered a whole new set of problems with this betrayal. He was sitting at a fucking airport about to leave the fucking city because of a fucking argument that didn't even have anything to do with how Ben had fucked up Cain? And he was leaving to give Ben the chance to mess around with Saraekiel? It was absurd. The whole idea behind what was happening right now was absurd. Who ran away to a different country because their boyfriend thought someone else was hot? Call up all the tourist companies, they needed to change their advertising.

Ben had a very strong urge to ask if Kerr was going to New York. So much had happened in the decade after he'd returned to Kerr from there. He'd changed so much. But Kerr thought it was nothing. He'd said as much. That amount of time was nothing. He trusted nothing. Nothing mattered.

He must've taken too long to answer because Kerr spoke again.

[Existentially Odd]

The longer the silence stretched, the more doubt invaded Kerr's heart. It meant yes. It had to. And that was fine, it was what Kerr had expected. It was only fair.

But he'd been hoping Ben would pick him.

"Ben?" he prompted. "What do you want to happen?"

[Trillian]

Ben opened his eyes and stared hard into the space of the room before him, too large to feel full even with twenty people milling around.

"I want you to tell me the truth about why you're really going," he said, his words clipped. His tone attracted the looks of two people nearby but he didn't give a shit.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's expression opened up into one of confusion, though all he did was blink and gawp at no-one in particular. He followed it up with a frown and a shake of his head because he already had... but he supposed that there'd been a lot of words soaked in emotion and they were both confused. Why was he really going?

"I don't want to go," he prefaced, still struggling to cleave his message out of all the emotions roiling through him.

"But you told me you were incorruptible, that I didn't have to be scared for you. You told me all about how I had everything wrong. You accused me of not trusting you. You admitted you were cruel to Cain because of him and me and he doesn't even matter to me like you do. You're the one that matters to me. I feel like I let you down with him. I hate that I put you in that position and never realised it. I feel guilty. I would never have put you through that if I'd known. So I want to make it up to you. You deserve a turn but I... I can't handle the thought of you with him. I told you that. But you deserve a turn. It's only fair so... if I leave, you can have your turn. I know it's not great timing with the election but I don't have to be here to keep everything going. I'll keep in touch. I just... you... I'm just so sorry," he whispered, aware that he was attracting stares in the hushed room.

Mainly because he was crying and his voice was filled with the anguish of it all.

[Trillian]

Listening to Kerr's breakdown over the phone was disheartening and frustrating.

"Kerr... that makes no sense. Bringing Cain into our home was my idea. Saraekiel isn't the carousel at a theme park, I'm not just going to take your free pass and ride him. How does that make us even? We both use Cain," he said.

Ben's focus shifted when he realised he was getting pretty loud and now there were whispers going on that suggested they were commenting on his phone conversation. Ben dropped his voice when he spoke again.

"If I fuck him again you'll never come back. I know it."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr grabbed a nearby napkin and used it as subtly as he could to wipe his nose and his eyes, turning towards the wall to continue speaking.

"No, I will. I told you. We're not breaking up, I'm just giving you some space. It doesn't even have to be long - I could come back in a couple of weeks if you learn enough. This, it's another facet of you needing to learn things about yourself... experimenting, learning your limits. This is me showing you I do trust you," he argued, beginning to realise Ben was actually fighting back. He didn't want the free pass?

What he said was making a lot of sense, too, which only confused Kerr more and made his resolve waver.  They had both been with Cain and it had been Ben's idea to bring him into their home. Why would he do that when it wounded him so much? The more they talked, the more confusing everything was becoming. Could Kerr have it wrong?

There was a tap on his shoulder and he turned to see his pilot smiling expectantly at him. He held up a finger, silently requesting more time. "Do you not want me to go?" he asked, all the certainty he'd had while packing his bags and making Cain cry beginning to evaporate like snow in sunshine.

[Trillian]

If I learn enough? It was just heaping more crazy on top of the spoonful of crazy he'd received at the start. Being told he wasn't trusted, that Kerr didn't trust anyone or anything and now being told that he was trusted. It reeked. The doubling back made Ben suspicious and scared and anxious.

And then suddenly it was very important to know.

"Are you at the airport?" he asked, because he'd just guessed. That weird clunking sound had made him think of wheeling luggage around, and the peculiar hollow voices could be various announcements for planes coming or going in a building that had a very high roof, and the footsteps could just be people walking around somewhere else. It didn't have to be an airport.

[Existentially Odd]

"Yes?" Kerr answered, wondering why that mattered.

[Trillian]

Ben considered this and lapsed into more silence.

After he'd got dressed and went to Venture, Kerr had packed a bag (or more) then headed for the airport, probably arranged for his jet to take him to some other city

some other country?

and then he'd called Ben to say 'bye, but we're not breaking up, but I do want you to go fuck Saraekiel'.

A chill passed through his body in a way he was no longer used to. He didn't normally feel affected by things within him. Temperature was usually experienced outside of his body, either warming it or coolling it.

"Where... had you planned on going?" His lips felt like they were too big for his mouth.