The Downside Of Truth

[Trillian]

Both of Kerr's suitcases fit into the Impala's boot with little room to move, for the spare wheel took up the rest of the space. While Ben watched Kerr load them in, Cain opened the back passenger door and climbed in. Ben could hear him shuffling across the bench seat and feel his joy thrumming around him like soundwaves radiating out in time with his heartbeat. Ben fancied he could almost see them glowing blue. When he turned his head slightly, he caught Kerr glowing blue as well out of the corner of his eye but when he snapped his head around to stare directly at it, it was gone. Kerr, of course, commented on the sudden movement and the surprise on Ben's face, but Ben didn't want to discuss it and shook his head and shrugged. He didn't want to talk about how he thought he'd just tapped into a different power, one that he was fairly sure was called Auspex according to the clan vampires. His excitement about it was ground down almost instantly - enough for him to feel a tiny burst of joy before it was squashed by the circumstances he was currently in. He grieved it.

Ben closed the boot and moved to the driver's seat, getting in at roughly the same time as Kerr on the opposite side. They both did up their belts in silence. Cain flopped backward on the chair and Ben could tell his own joy at getting Kerr back was punctured and deflated because of the tension in the car. He knew that they weren't back to normal and he pointedly avoided looking at Cain in the rear view mirror because he didn't want to receive any accusatory stares if any were sent his way. Cain still believed it was Ben who'd forced Kerr away with his sharp tongue.

The drive was meditative at first, especially when a trickle of rain started to fall, turning everything pretty and hazy. The wipers would sharpen the world every so often and Ben felt it was kind of like his emotions right now. Muted. Grey. Then everything revealed in stark relief before he went numb again.

Then he began to drive on auto-pilot, seeing but not seeing as his thoughts turned inward and he went exploring. Waves of sadness engulfed him and washed him out before leaving him raw and angry. With Kerr sitting right beside him, it was obvious that he would feel all of Ben's emotions while they played out, twanging along their blood bond. It made everything that much more embittered because even his thoughts couldn't be private.

Once they arrived at the Luminary's carpark, Ben made his way to his reserved spot and pulled the car in.

"Cain, could you go up ahead of us, please? We'll follow in a little while," Ben said softly just before he shut the engine off. The pet did as told without comment. Ben waited and watched until he was inside the elevator and the doors closed before Ben took his hands off the wheel, undid his seatbelt and spoke to Kerr.

"Please don't interrupt until I can get this out," he began, glancing at Kerr to get agreement before he spoke. Then he shifted his focal point. Staring at the steering wheel instead of at Kerr made it easier to talk to him, and knowing he was locked in his car seat and couldn't hug him or move around to him made Ben feel safe enough to start talking.

"You condemn me for keeping things to myself, for not telling you how I feel about certain things or situations that I'm in. Against my better judgement, I confessed everything to you about Cain. Not just about my cruelty to him, but also how I felt about him, the pettiness of my jealousy, the resentment I didn't try to work through but almost relished, using it to feed a darkness that I was determined to investigate, forcing it out of myself in planned allotments. It doesn't work that way and that was my mistake. But you insist, as you have always insisted, that I can tell you anything and that..." Ben pulled in a breath that trembled and he frowned at himself even as he continued, "secrets would be our undoing... but you were wrong. I told you what I really thought, like you always want from me, and instead of doing what you said... that we would work through it together, as a team... as a partnership... instead of that..." his voice was shaking a great deal now and the steering wheel looked just as blurry to him as the world had when the rain covered the windshield, "...you left."

He sensed that Kerr might be reaching across for him, he wasn't sure if it was his imagination or not but he didn't want to feel his touch. Ben shifted around to wedge his back between the car door and the driver seat, his right leg coming up as an obstacle between him and his sire, though the car was very wide. Ben's hands were on the knee and ankle, ready to deflect any reaching touches that might come his way.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had taken his seat belt off when Ben did but was sitting still facing forward in his seat, his hands dropped between his thighs, fretting absently at one another. He knew very well Ben didn’t want to be touched and he had no intention of forcing himself upon him in any way. Part of him was still surprised that he’d been brought back here ad not dropped off somewhere on the way.

He nodded at Ben’s words, acknowledging them even though it took him several goes at turning them over in his brain to comprehend them. Guilt was a powerful filter, wanting to twist and distort everything to his point of view, to align everything with his own reasons and justifications but he couldn’t let it. This was Ben’s point of view and nothing to do with him. It was his job to understand it as something separate but caused by himself, not apply it to his own specifications.

Kerr cleared his throat, knowing his voice would fail him when opened his mouth to speak because he’d spent the entire car ride in silence, with Ben’s emotions pushing at him like a force between them. He stopped nodding and turned his head towards Ben, resting his chin on his shoulder and looking at Ben’s leg rather than his face. Looking into his eyes felt like a privilege he’d need to earn back. Everything did at this point, though, especially when he processed Ben’s core message as being that he’d broken his trust. Something Kerr had insisted he extend, only to have it brutally destroyed, in Ben’s eyes.

“I understand,” he replied sombrely, carefully weighting the words so that he didn’t sound too flippant or too defeated. There were so many thought flying through his brain, so many connections he was making that he repressed because he didn’t want to muddy Ben’s message. He’d expressed himself enough; Ben didn’t need to hear him again. What was important now was moving past this and Ben had said a key phrase that Kerr’s mind kept circling back to, to question and rub like a stone rolling in a current.

“Have I undone us?” he asked and it seemed a simple enough question but there was a gaping abyss of terror on the other side of it just waiting for him to fall in. He was resisting it as hard as he could - he’d dipped his toe in it this evening when he’d awoken without Ben and that had been crushing enough - but if Ben couldn’t see himself forging a path to forgiving him, why fight it? Maybe he didn’t know yet. That would be worse but it wasn’t his place to complain.

[Trillian]

Ben's answer to Kerr's question was immediate because it was something he didn't want. "No." Giving up on Kerr, on them, over a misunderstanding or a mistake would be stupid. They still loved each other, cared about one another, wanted to spend eternity together... but Ben had fought against his instincts on Kerr's advice, and lost.

Staring at his sire now, his lover, partner... everything... he realised how the word he'd used during the campaign had been a mistake. Kerr was many things, he was almost everything, but he would never be Ben's confidant. There were too many hard feelings between them in their past. It had pulled them together and given them a relationship only they could appreciate and understand, but it was also the kind of relationship that couldn't connect at every level. They were not soulmates, if such a thing existed, but if they could be satisfied with the connections they did have rather than focussing on the few they did not... it would be enough.

"Some things I will need to keep to myself. I will share as much as I can but if my instincts tell me to keep the how or why to myself, then I will, and I don't think I'll feel guilty about it any more. Maybe sad but no more guilt. I tried it your way and you bailed, so it's too much even for you. I won't hold it against you for long, it's the way you are and your intensity is a positive for me in lots of other ways, but I need to get over how you did it and it's not out of spite but for recovery." He licked his lips debating whether to say more. He took his time thinking about what he even wanted to say, time that Kerr responded in.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's urge to call bullshit was strong but he swallowed the impulse to snap and thought through his response for more than two seconds.

"That's a gross oversimplification of several complex issues," he frowned, turning his body sharply and wedging his shoulder against the back of his seat so that he could look at Ben's chin. "Maybe it makes you feel better to say you'll keep shit to yourself because it seems like a shield strong enough to stop you from getting hurt again but it's not. You've got it completely backwards." Kerr paused, wondering if he should be arguing when he didn't want to obliterate Ben's reasoning. It was just that the thought of him actually believing what he said and shutting himself off again was horrifying.

"You and I both know that if you'd told me how you were feeling sooner, before these two - or three - incidents had occurred, I wouldn't have been so overwhelmed that I made the stupid decision to 'bail', thereby upholding the family tradition of taking a break when things get too much," he muttered wryly, his lips twisting ironically. "We would've dealt with it as the team you envisioned."

[Trillian]

"Really?" Ben asked drolly, the word of his question starting high and ending low, his tone implying that he had fighting words coming.

"You don't think maybe I took that long to tell you because I was overwhelmed? I dislike the idea of running to you with a problem without a solution. I was wrong to want to wipe his mind and we had our discussion then, we acted like a partnership then, but then you had to wade into the depths of my psyche and ask me why. Why is not for you to know. Why is too much for you to handle. The why is where my darkness is, the thing you said you would accept of me. But you didn't. You ran away and threw me at Saraekiel, telling me that he was the answer."

Ben pressed his lips together, his eyes shining as he glared at Kerr. "Do you know how that felt? Being handed off? You ran away because you don't want that part of me. You don't want to know that side of me. You were willing to give me to him to get rid of it."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr sighed, feeling like Ben was still splitting hairs and then shading them in ways that conveniently fit the narrative he wanted to tell; the one that ended with him feeling good about hiding himself away from Kerr.

"I have no issue with your darkness and I wasn't willingly handing you off to that filth. You know that. You know I hate him and the whole point-" Kerr broke off with another sigh, his hands fisting and his head shaking as he lowered his gaze to Ben's chest. Ben had heard his argument. Why rehash it just because he wanted to be obtuse?

"The only thing I had issue with was your secrecy and I told you that, too," he finished wearily, his hands unfurling to pluck at his jeans. His voice was resigned but he still had things to say. "I can handle your whys. You're just using my leaving as an excuse to hide. I mean, what's the point of coming to me with a problem with a solution? Wouldn't the idea be to help you figure out a solution together?"

[Trillian]

Ben stared at him for a long moment, unable to believe that Kerr wasn't willing to send him to Saraekiel. Why did he think he could say that now after ringing Ben and declaring it was only fair that he had his turn? How did he believe he could have both sides of the argument there? It hadn't been an enthusiastic push in the dark angel's direction, sure, but it had been a push all the same. Someone who wasn't willing wouldn't go there at all. Kerr had been willing... when he thought it would fix them.

Ben spoke evenly. "You're lying right now. To me. To yourself. You declare you want to know everything about me but when I share it with you, you cry 'too late'. You say you want me to share my truth but you call me a motherfucking asshole. I didn't need to tell you any of it. I could've just said Cain wasn't working for me and we would've sent him back to where he came from, and then you would've slept beside me, happy, instead of slept beside me, hurting," he said, unable to keep that little gem to himself. It was the line that led to his decision not to have Kerr in his bed. "If you want nothing but truth, then you want someone else."

[Existentially Odd]

As Ben spoke, Kerr's face twisted slowly into a mask of disbelief, showing that he was having a great deal of difficulty believing what he was hearing.

"Seriously? That's your argument? 'Kerr, you can't ever make mistakes - so that means everything you say's a lie - and I could've always hidden shit from you and you would've been none the wiser so now that's all you deserve'?" he asked, his voice strangled as he gaped at Ben. It wasn't so difficult to make eye contact when being given ultimatums, apparently.

"Wow. Just... wow," he boggled, shaking his head again. He couldn't tell if Ben was serious about him finding someone else because he wasn't planning to share anything with Kerr from then on but if he was... then he was probably right. He did want someone else because he wasn't prepared to settle for less than what he'd had. Despite his desire to keep things clear and calm, he bit back.

"Nope," he said, answering his own thought as his gaze strayed to the keys in the ignition and he fought the desire to just snatch them and stride to the boot of the car to get his suitcases out and go upstairs away from this nonsense. At that moment, he wanted to be anywhere but in this car, being lectured by a thirty year old that believed keeping shit that might disrupt a relationship out of sight was the perfect way to conduct one. For fuck's sake.

"That's bullshit and I'm not having it," he argued stubbornly, lifting a hand and describing a circle between them with his index finger as words tumbled out of his mouth in rapid succession. "We got here because of my guilt. Sire guilt, boyfriend guilt," he ticked the two options off on the fingers of his other hand, "whichever, but it was guilt. You told me allll the shit going on with you and Cain but it wasn't your nastiness that set me off, it was pure fucking guilt for not figuring it out sooner. I was mortified by my ignorance - ignorance that you manufactured by not telling me shit - and I fucking freaked out. I admit it! I lost my mind for a bit there. I offered you a chance for payback with Saraekiel - not willingly, reluctantly - and ran like hell because I didn't want to see it.

"I wasn't scared of your darkness and I didn't bail because I couldn't handle it - that's preposterous! I was blinded by your hidden feelings and the way that made me feel. What's that old line? It wasn't you, it was me. Well, it's true. I lived with the fucking child prince of darkness for nearly four hundred years and as much as I used to worry you'd go there, this whole fight has definitely convinced me I don't have anything to worry about on that front. Until I've burnt a field of animal carcasses or buried dead babies or wiped the mind of a ten year old you sexually assaulted for you, I'm going to go ahead and trust your darkness isn't that bad," he declared in exasperation.

"So stop telling me that's why I left. It fucking wasn't. And if you're really serious about closing yourself off and hiding shit from me now because you think I can't handle it then you lied and I did undo us and I will seriously consider someone else because I'm not going to live like that! I got guilty, I freaked out, I went away for a day and I'm sorry but don't fucking use that to justify you closing me out again just because I hurt you. Keep me at a distance, take your time to recover but stop talking in these absolutes. Believe me when I say I figured out I was wrong, that I had an epiphany, that I'm sorry. Just... take a breath and give it some time and stop hitting me with awful ultimatums, okay?" he appealed, finally deflating.

Kerr was disappointed in himself. He hadn't intended to unleash, he'd meant to listen to Ben's truth and give him space and let it ride but when he was saying shit like 'find someone else who'll tell you the truth because I won't', he couldn't hold it in.

[Trillian]

Ben listened acutely to it all, his stare unwavering from Kerr's eyes throughout the entire unleashing. His own expression didn't change throughout, he became a statue made of sponge, absorbing everything. Once Kerr was finished he nodded. He could feel the numbness spreading through him and he let it come because it was easier to deal with his emotions this way, easier to be rational. He didn't miss the fact Kerr demanded no more ultimatums after giving Ben one.

"That wasn't my argument so you can take your 'wow' away. You're assuming the worst of everything I say right now so I have to speak in absolutes, but I'll keep them about myself."

He took a breath. "When I gave you the example of sending Cain away, it was not a declaration that I would cover-up events like that in the future. It was to demonstrate that I chose to tell you even though I had an easier path in front of me. Releasing Cain wasn't an option that appealed to me for multiple reasons so I reached out to you for help." Ben's hand shifted off his knee to gesture at Kerr before it then floated to join his other hand, holding his ankle.

"I have been a private person my whole life. It was who I was when you met me. Who I was when you sired me. Who I was when we fell in love. I know you don't like it when I keep things to myself but you knew that about me going in. You call it being secretive, but it's not. It's just me and how I handle things. I will always be in my head before I come to you. If you want me to change that part of myself, then I'm not right for you. If you can't trust me to come to you when it's important, then I agree, we're over."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr relaxed back against the seat as Ben clarified, supposing it didn't sound as extreme as he'd been imagining. He sighed, his body relaxing as his gaze also dropped to watch Ben's hands fiddle with his ankles.

He could trust that Ben would come to him if it was important, it was the qualification 'important' that worried him. Ben's definition and his were vastly different but they always had been and always would be. Overall, it didn't sound too different from the way things had always been, which was reassuring.

Kerr nodded. "You made it sound like you'd never tell me anything again," he mumbled.

[Trillian]

Ben broke eye contact finally, moving his leg back down and staring at the steering wheel before him, his hands caressing the circle like a beloved.

"You hurt me," he said after a long pause. As soon as the words were out Ben was out of the car, the door open and shut without Kerr getting a chance to reply. Of course he would be able to, for the lift wouldn't immediately come to them, but Ben was done with heavy conversations in the car. He didn't want more apologies, either.

Ironically, he wished he hadn't mentioned it. It wasn't like Kerr didn't know.

[Existentially Odd]

"I know," Kerr sighed quietly once Ben was gone, the deflated feeling not abating. This was going to take time and there weren't guarantees but he'd commit to it. He got his suitcases out of the car's boot and joined Ben in the elevator, which he'd held for him.

"Can I get my pillow?" he asked as the doors closed, wanting to be sure Ben knew what he was doing before he went into their room - he didn't want to freak him out, making him think he was moving in there rather than the spare room. He liked his pillow, it was molded to his liking and he'd regretted not having it the one day he'd slept away.

[Trillian]

"Sure," Ben agreed, unsure if it was the sensation of the rising lift or the tatters of their relationship that was making his stomach feel hollow. He knew it would mend, it always did, but he was getting tired of the arguments and misunderstandings. He'd only just been thinking that it would be stupid to throw everything away after they'd come so far but was it healthy for either of them to continue investing themselves into something that truly wasn't a good fit? Ben had no experience of long term relationships other than Kerr, really. He'd never been with someone for years, and it had been so long ago - when he'd been young and mortal - that his last long-term relationship had happened. Did almost a year count as long term? He'd thought so then, not so much now.

This was not a thought he would share with Kerr. He didn't understand why Kerr would want to know such things. Every passing doubt shared would only build and force a self-fulfilling prophecy, making the doubts come true. The lift arrived at the penthouse and Ben exited in long strides, looking around to see where Cain was. At least he wasn't at the lift door like some abandoned pup.

[Existentially Odd]

As the lift ascended, Kerr began to feel better despite nothing being resolved with Ben. That was the way it would be for a while, he supposed. The familiar smells of home encompassed him as the doors opened, calming him. He waited for Ben to exit and then followed, leaving his suitcases in the hallway to walk into his and Ben's bedroom.

He stood by the bed a little longer than necessary, hugging his pillow to his chest as he looked at Ben's now laying atop the bed without his. With a bite of his tongue stud, he headed back for his suitcases and wheeled them towards the spare room. On the way, he came face to face with Cain, who frowned at the pillow tucked under his arm and then looked at him questioningly.

"I'm staying in the spare room for... a while," Kerr explained, wanting to reassure the mortal but not sure how to go about it when the situation was clearly not resolved between he and Ben. "To give us both some time to recover," he added, using Ben's word because it was the most accurate. "Do you want to come help me unpack?" he smiled, asking Cain to join him so that they could talk about what happened and he could answer the questions Cain no doubt had.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain bit back his initial reply, an eager request for Kerr to stay with him. He decided to play it closer to the chest because while Kerr and Ben had a rule about not going into their room uninvited, there was no such rule about whoever slept in the spare room. He was still angry at Ben for being difficult enough that Kerr had left them and a little bit of that anger was aimed at Kerr for implying Cain should leave as well for his own safety. The words hadn't been that direct but the meaning was there. If Kerr had been so concerned, he should've taken Cain with him.

"I'll help," Cain agreed instead, thoughts and opinions racing about his head which he kept a tight hold on. It was very different now, being with them. He hadn't realised how being their pet would change him and his ideals. Ben's treatment of him was intolerable at times but with the deepest of lows also came the intensity of highs, which kind of made it worth it. Ben's desire to experience submission had shifted their dynamic enough for Cain to want to be braver with Kerr. If Ben swung between both extremes, surely Kerr had experienced those things with him? It meant Kerr might surrender to Cain as well.

Forcing his thoughts to lighten as he followed Kerr into the spare room, he couldn't help but feel excited about the separation. He knew he should be more upset that they were quarrelling enough to sleep apart but he didn't really believe it would last for long. Kerr had left for an 'indeterminate amount of time' he'd said, but he was already back, unable to be apart for longer than a day. It bode well for them mending things, but in the meantime Cain might get a few extra thrills.