The Downside Of Truth

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr walked up to the bed and dropped his pillow, looking around at the light blue walls and light grain wood furniture. It was all a little pale for his tastes but Ben had been in charge of decorating and the room was pleasant enough. The king-sized bed's white sheets and medium blue bedspread were pristine so maybe it was a good thing someone would finally sleep beneath them. Kerr switched the odd, upside-down bowls on sticks bedside lamps on so that Cain could see to help him unpack via their diffused yellow glow.

He glanced up at the abstract painting above the bed and then turned to lift both suitcases onto the bed. Cain was standing in front of the smaller one. "Do you want to open that and get my toiletries bag out and take it into the bathroom?" he said quietly, the words more of an instruction than a question. As happy as he was to be home, unpacking in this foreign room was disquieting. Cain's presence was reassuring so he smiled at the pet as well, placing a hand on his arm. "Thanks for helping me. I appreciate it."

Dropping his hand from Cain's bicep, Kerr turned and unzipped his larger suitcase, flinging it open to reveal all the clothes he'd expected to be wearing anywhere but here.

[Malkavian Riddler]

"You know I'm here for you," Cain said with soft insistence in reply to the thanks, looking at Kerr meaningfully and pleased at the brief touch on his arm, though he would've liked for it to linger.

Cain turned to address his task, opening the smaller suitcase and opening it with greater care than Kerr had with his own. He unclipped the elastics that held everything flat and in place and then pulled out the toiletries bag, moving to the bathroom with it. He sorted Kerr's few things out of it into a neat row, placing toothbrush and toothpaste into the empty holder there and then staring at it for a second longer. He would have loved to join his own toothbrush in there.

He put the toiletries bag in the top drawer of the bathroom cabinet to keep it handy but also out of the way. Then he looked at himself in the mirror and groomed himself quickly, pulling his hair backwards into a tail and smoothing it down but releasing it even though he had an elastic in his front jeans pocket. Kerr liked to undo his hair anyway so it could stay undone.

He returned to the bedroom to see Kerr had almost finished unpacking the large suitcase. Cain returned to his side, his hand straying to the corner of the case where he fiddled with it, watching Kerr making not much of a dent in the drawers and cupboard with his clothes.

"I'm glad you came back so quickly. I missed you," he said. They were a repeat of the words he'd said while hugging Kerr at the Academy, but now they carried a brevity that they hadn't possessed then, in his opinion.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr did his best to ignore Cain's hovering, understanding that he was wounded and wanted to be close but it also felt like he was waiting to capitalise on the situation and manipulate him into giving him the attention he normally gave Ben. That wasn't the way forward, as far as Kerr was concerned but he also craved some affection. It didn't feel right to take advantage of their pet so he'd have to find some middle ground.

As he finished unpacking, Cain declared that he'd missed him. Kerr lifted his gaze to observe him, frowning but not replying straight away. Instead, he zipped up both suitcases and left them by the door, intent on returning them to his actual wardrobe once he'd dealt with Cain. He walked up to the mortal and gathered him into a hug, rubbing his back in gentle circles as their heads rested against each other.

"Cain... I came back so quickly because I realised I couldn't be without Ben. Also because I left for the wrong reasons. I was selfish. But not any more. I plan to make it up to Ben - if he'll let me - but that doesn't change what I said to you Monday night. I don't want to confuse things - well, not any more than I already have by yo-yoing around the country. I'm not going to sleep with you... but I do really appreciate your support. Being close to you brings me comfort," he murmured.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Confusion and frustration bubbled up in Cain, threatening to geyser out. With delay and a fair amount of swallowing, he kept most of it in, though a few words spilled out of his mouth whispery fast from the pressure.

"Why are you punishing yourself for something he did? You left because he upset you. It's not a selfish thing to feel a certain way about it."

[Existentially Odd]

Fuck, not you, too. Everyone wanted to tell him why he’d left but Cain could have even less of an explanation than Ben because he couldn’t know about Ben’s torture from seeing Kerr and Cain together. It would give Cain a false impression of importance to Kerr and also a tactical advantage over Ben that would kill any chance Kerr had of making up his betrayal.

Frowning, Kerr grasped Cain by his substantial biceps and moved them an arm’s length apart. “You need to stop thinking like that. I left of my own accord. Ben wanted me to stay and work it out but I went anyway. I made a choice. You’re blaming Ben for something he didn’t do,” he lectured sternly, watching Cain’s expression to see if his words had any effect. Considering his complicated relationship with Ben, Kerr could understand why Cain would automatically resent the blond but he couldn’t have it.

“Besides the fact that you promised equal loyalty to us both - and Ben told me he extended your stay with us, so that’s still an important fact to remember - you’re making judgements about something that’s not your business. I’m going to forgive you this error because I walked out on you, too, so I know you’re also hurt by me and wanting to lay blame. I assure you, I’m the one that deserves it, not Ben. But it’s still not your place to have an opinion about our relationship,” he reminded, wondering if his treatment of Cain had led to this superior attitude or whether it came from the dynamic Ben had accidentally fostered with him.

It didn’t matter either way, Kerr supposed wearily. No matter its source, the humble, neutral pet they’d engaged had evolved into this opinionated, vengeful creature to a point beyond the station he’d assured them he’d maintain. It seemed Ben wasn’t the only one that had reparations to make with their pet.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain frowned, deeply confused by this new turn of events. He stared into Kerr's face, absorbing every detail as he was reminded of his place. He felt appropriately chastised but at the same time there was an injustice to it that prevented him from being fully cowed.

"But... Ben told me you left because of him. He said that you wanted me to go because you didn't trust him to be good to me. Did he... I don't know why he would lie about that. I never asked him to explain."

Cain shook his head, denying that he'd formed his own opinion about their relationship. A horrible thought occurred to him but he couldn't even bring it to the surface.

Do you not want me any more?

He'd thought Ben would tire of him before Kerr did. They'd always had that magnetism to one another. They'd always got along better. It was easier being with Kerr than it was with Ben.

Do you not want me?

The question kept circling his brain, enough to shut him up, enough for him to wish he hadn't even started this conversation.

"Sorry. I'll leave you alone," he croaked.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr sighed, not doubting that Ben had said those words to their pet but knowing that timing was everything. Had he said it last night, when he'd returned home from wherever the fuck he'd stormed off to and returned to find Cain sobbing in the penthouse alone, after Kerr left? Had he said it tonight when they awoke to a night without Kerr? Or had it been even more recently? There hadn't been time for Ben to whisper such sour nothings in Cain's ear since he'd returned so it couldn't be the latter.

What did it matter, really? Cain was confused by the contradictions and pulling away from him. That was what mattered to Kerr. He held the mortal in place, not releasing him even though he offered to leave him alone and tried to pull away. "No, don't, I want to talk to you. It's important you know that Ben didn't lie to you, he just told you his truth at that point," Kerr insisted, defending Ben adamantly and implying that he believed such things had been said very early on, when things were particularly muddy. "But there's something I need to know. Something I need you to tell me. Do you trust Ben to be good to you now?"

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain's shoulders sagged when Kerr held him in place. He didn't want to leave the conversation or the room when it was a downer so he was grateful Kerr made him stay. What came next was even better and Cain closed his eyes with a long, slow blink to relish it.

He opened his eyes to look steadily at Kerr, so he would know the conviction of Cain's words.

"Yes, I do. He promised me last night he would be better and he was attentive and giving, to prove himself I guess." Cain's expression shifted, uncertain. "He's given me a stronger role to play, now. It doesn't come naturally to me but it's fun."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was put in a quandary by Cain’s final comment. On one hand, he felt he’d be helping Ben out if he dissuaded Cain from thinking he’d be permitted to continue in the dominant role he was alluding to - Kerr hadn’t been able to help with the mind wipe, so this would be a way to make that up to Ben.

But it could undermine Ben’s authority and, on the other hand, be seen as an unwelcome interference. He could easily imagine Ben yelling at him that he’d told him to take responsibility for his actions and deal with the consequences only to butt in and do it for him. He didn’t need to do something that would piss Ben off even more.

Either choice was fraught with pros and cons but Kerr decided discretion was, indeed, the better part of valour and so he kept his mouth shut about Cain’s new role. Once that decision was made, Kerr’s mind returned to the part that had niggled first, surprising him with its implications. That, he had to know about.

“I’m glad you feel trust in him. When you say he was giving, to prove himself... are you saying you and Ben slept together last night?” Kerr enquired, frowning. His grip on Cain’s arms loosened and he rubbed his palms along the curves of his biceps absently, as if soothing away his grasp.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain nodded, liking the feel of Kerr's caresses on his muscles. His answer delayed for a moment as his mind shifted focus from the touches to what he was being asked. Because his question had been asked and his mind was catching up, he interpreted the tone of the question and the expression it came with at the same time. He didn't know how to answer it except honestly.

"Yes."

He didn't want to upset Kerr but wasn't that his and Ben's relationship now? It was open. That's why he was here.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked, surprised that they'd slept together the night he left. Was it for comfort or had Ben started being kind to Cain to kickstart his redemption? He stared at the pretty mortal, unsure why he found it so surprising. Or why he even cared. Perhaps because he'd expected them to be mourning him... differently? Separately? Celibately? He frowned and dismissed his thoughts, focussing on Cain instead.

"I'm glad you had each other," he covered smoothly, turning his frown into a smile for the mortal's benefit. "Well, that you have each other, really because that hasn't changed." No, the only change was between him and Ben. "Do you... want to go and watch a movie or something?" he asked, searching for an excuse to think about something else.

It was late but not late enough to go to sleep and there was only so much small talk he and Cain could engage in beside a bed before he started thinking about getting him into it - and he was determined that that wouldn't happen. To Kerr's relief, Cain agreed and they moved out to the lounge together.