Analytical Intimacy

[Trillian]

Ben travelled up the lift to the penthouse, feeling his connection with Kerr growing steadily stronger until about halfway up when he sensed he was moving away. Kerr must be in his office, then. Ben exited the lift and moved past the aquarium, heading for the far windows to look out over the city and think.

His steps slowed as he got closer to the lounge because Cain was there, looking at him. The television wasn't on so Ben had thought Cain wasn't in the room, maybe out hanging with the donors or in his own room reading or gaming. He could tell by the expression on Cain's face that there was a conversation about to come.

Sighing, he moved past Cain and went to the windows anyway, holding an elbow and placing a loose fist near his mouth as he considered what had happened in Venture tonight... and how he'd felt about it.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain wasn't having a very good night. Ben had gone out looking for a drink and Kerr had denied spending time with him, even though it could've been just the two of them. A chance to reconnect. But no, there was work to be done. There was always work to be done.

Kerr had been nice about saying no, of course, but that just made it worse because Cain couldn't be angry at him. He was angry and a hard workout hadn't made him feel as good as it usually did. It just made him tired and unmotivated to do anything but lay on the couch and feel sorry for himself. Then Ben walked into the room. He sat up, his hands resting on the soft cushions either side of his thighs.

"Have a good time?" he asked, hoping he didn't sound as bitter as he felt.

[Trillian]

Ben didn't look at Cain who was now at his back and he didn't want to answer the more-difficult-than-it-sounded question, but he was determined to be nicer to the human. He'd proven his loyalty and was getting a bad run through no fault of his own. Ben answered the question the best way he knew how.

"Good enough." Ben shrugged a shoulder before looking over it at Cain. "I felt Kerr in his office. Has he been there all night?"

[Malkavian Riddler]

"Yeah," Cain answered despondently, picking at a loose thread beside a rip in his jeans, twirling it around the end of his finger.

"I asked him to stay with me but he said he had campaign stuff to do." Cain pressed his lips together, telegraphing that he wasn't sure he should say what he was thinking but he went ahead with it anyway, lifting his gaze from watching his finger back up to Ben's face.

"Was he lying? Just so he didn't have to be with me? Is there campaign stuff left to do?" he asked softly.

[Trillian]

"There'll be campaign stuff to do until voting begins," Ben admitted, approaching Cain and sitting beside him on the couch. "But I don't think he's going to be with you until he can get over what Ichabod said to him," Ben said, spitting out Ichabod's name. "That little shit got into Kerr's head and he has more influence than you or me."

Ben's sour expression matched the tone of his words as he toed off his shoes and kicked them beneath the coffee table.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain was relieved to know the campaign stuff hadn't been a lie but gave Ben a confused look. "That's what Kerr said but... I don't get it. How can Ichabod have more influence than you when he's not even here? Kerr loves you best," he pointed out matter of factly. It wasn't something open to question.

Sure, Kerr had left because of Ben but he'd also come straight back because of him, too. It was harder to feel angry at Ben when he was like this, sitting beside him and sharing his unhappiness. They both felt bad and it made it easier when he wasn't alone with it. Cain hated feeling alone.

He sidled a tentative hand closer to Ben's, not because he wanted to start something but because he wanted to hold hands and feel connected to him physically. It had been nice with Ben the night Kerr left, even though it had been awful. They could make each other feel better when it counted.

[Trillian]

Ben had intended to talk with Kerr but Cain was asking him questions and they were easy to answer, so the answer tumbled out of him in a way that was impossible to stop.

"Kerr has very traditional ideas about being a couple. It took him a long time to move away from that kind of thinking. He thinks love means excluding yourself from everyone else. When I finally managed to convince him that being open to others doesn't change what we feel for one another we were going good. We were experimenting together. You came along. We were happy. Then Ichabod comes along and gives Kerr the same traditional bullshit about his relationship with me and taps into something he's struggled with. But I can't do it. I can't be with just one person all the time. I feel suffocated and overwhelmed. I didn't really know that about myself but it explains a lot about how I acted in the past. I... I had to be convinced as well, but it makes the most sense to me."

Ben frowned at his lap until Cain's warm hand caught his attention and he reached out to hold it.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain was interested in Ben's story, it gave him an insight into their relationship and history that he hadn't expected to be privy to. It made him feel grateful and he thought about it as Ben's cool fingers worked in between his, adding an extra layer of comfort.

"You think he'll switch back?" he asked after a while, meaning Kerr. "You think you'll be able to convince him to be open again?" He knew Ben would hear the hope in his voice and he wasn't ashamed of it.

[Trillian]

"I don't know. I can't predict him. I didn't expect him to leave in the first place even though he came back straight away." Ben admitted. He puffed air and gave Cain a wary look. "There's always me, your runner-up prize. I'm sorry I was so awful to you. I was... trying to learn things about myself. I don't like that I hurt you but I... I can't be submissive to you. It's not my thing. But I don't want you to be submissive to me either. If I want someone obedient and mindless, I can use the donors. You're... more than that."

He'd said the opposite to Cain, once, declaring him the lowest of the low when it came to donors. He'd got off on the power of it but he'd also depersonalised Cain to do it. He'd also wanted to wipe Cain's mind of it, which felt almost worse now, in hindsight. He didn't feel so guilty or ashamed to tell him about it, though.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain blinked owlishly at Ben, stunned by his candour and gentle admissions. He mattered? More than willing neck nobodies? Cain's face lit up with joy and tucked his legs up onto the couch in order to burrow his way in against Ben's side, hugging him fiercely. His heart was thudding with happiness, his body tingling as he worked his arms about Ben's torso.

"It's okay - about the domming and subbing," he reassured, lifting his face against Ben's chest so that he was gazing up at his jaw. He pressed a little kiss to it just because he was so happy he couldn't contain himself. "I knew it wasn't right for you but I'm glad you figured it out, too. I like knowing that I matter to you," he grinned. "You're not a runner-up prize. Pretty soon you're going to be the most powerful guy in the whole district, " he giggled.

[Trillian]

Ben snorted laughter at the 'most powerful guy' line but it did send a thrill up his spine. Looking down at Cain he felt grateful that he was so chill and easy to get along with. He could imagine nobody else forgiving him (other than Kerr) for the shit he'd heaped onto this man. Cain had taken it and taken it and Ben had just pushed harder. Instead of guilt there was gratitude, and he lifted Cain's head with a finger beneath his chin so he could plant a soft kiss on his lips.

It grew. It remained a slow kiss but it deepened in a way that was usually reserved for Kerr in bed, most of the time this kiss was post-coital. Lazy, loving, deep. Ben's eyes had fluttered closed already and what he hadn't been able to get from his sexcapade at Venture he got from Cain now; with a lot less effort but with more intimacy.

His free hand slid up Cain's jaw and he buried fingers in Cain's hair, grasping long strands and tugging very gently on them. A sexy quality to a kiss that had begun more as comfort than passion.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Cain was surprised by the kiss but was pliant, letting Ben control it. His heart picked up speed and his body responded, though there was an intimacy to their connection that made it feel like sex wasn't really on the cards. That didn't worry him because the connection and the honesty he was getting from Ben were unexpected gifts that blew his mind.

The feelings of growing affection changed when Ben tugged at his hair, making Cain more physically aware of their positions on the couch, the way he was plastered on Ben. He shuffled around, withdrawing his arms and shifting onto his knees. He was aware that he was much bigger than Ben in general but he didn't want it to become intimidating so he slid a leg off the couch and lowered himself down until he was kneeling on the floor, working his way between Ben's legs.

In the spirit of keeping things equal, he wrapped his hands around Ben's ass and dragged him forward on the couch, pressing his lower half up against him and leaning his chest onto Ben's as their kiss was broken by his need to speak. "D'you want to go to my room?" he panted, keeping his mouth connected to Ben's as much as he was able.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had spent his night collating survey results and poring over visitor demographic information from the carnival. He'd also done a lot of thinking about Ben.

Waking up with a few metres of space between them had been as torturous in the apartment as it had been in Hawaii. He'd awoken first, as was his habit, and spent his time monitoring his love while he still slumbered, brushing his dreams with soft mental fingers because it was the only time he'd be allowed to touch him in any way. It hurt him as much as it healed him because he had to be secretive and pull away as soon as Ben started to stir.

He'd decided then that he wasn't going to be content with just waiting Ben out. He was going to make a move, force him to look his way, remind him that he was there and that their connection wasn't broken, it was just a little bent. It wasn't about simpering or apology, it was about reconnecting. He'd come back because he wanted to be with Ben. Always. He had to show him; he was going to ask him out on a date. The rest of the time in his office had been him researching options and making decisions.

By the time Ben came home, Kerr was ready with his proposal. He left the work he wasn't done with on his desk, saving his progress on his computer and turned out the light. He entered the apartment as Ben and Cain started kissing, coming to a stop in the periphery of the room. He was surprised that Ben was participating, given his intentions when going to Venture. Had he... abstained? Kerr blinked as Cain whispered a sexy question, hovering awkwardly in between destinations as he waited for Ben to answer. If they were going to Cain's room, he'd wait in the lounge room for them to finish. If they were staying put, he'd go to his room and wait.

[Trillian]

"No, I... no. I... just wanted to kiss," he said, wishing that Cain had stayed on the couch so they could've kept going. Now there was a rejection between them but he didn't pull away. He combed his fingers through Cain's hair, looking down at the uneven blue of his eyes and thought about how pretty they were. Long eyelashes and filled with nothing but desire or kindness. He remembered the sadness and hurt he'd also put there. Never contempt or rage.

"I wish I could be more like you," Ben whispered, admitting something he thought he never would. "More accepting. More trusting. More... loving."

[Malkavian Riddler]

"You are loving," Cain insisted, happy enough to remain kneeling in front of Ben. The kisses they were sharing were almost as nice as sex, they made him feel happy in a different way. His arms were still wrapped around Ben's back, gently rubbing. "I see you with Kerr, remember? You just... don't love everybody," he giggled, feeling daring because he was agreeing with Ben.

Of course, Cain knew that Ben hadn't seen him in a competitive pool of mortals, vying for the attentions of a vampire. He didn't know that Cain was definitely not loving all the time; Ben wasn't the most loving man around but Cain was also flawed. Maybe that was why they ended up finding common ground together, even after Ben had been cruel. Cain had the capacity to be the same, just not to a vampire.

"And I'm not perfect either but I love you," he said offhandedly, leaning up to kiss the tip of Ben's nose.