The Despoiler

[Existentially Odd]

The feel of Ben in his arms was even more reassuring than Kerr had anticipated - mostly because Ben moulded straight to him in a silent display of trust. It was an unexpectedly tender reaction, one that sent a shot of love through his heart and lust through everything else. If Ben noticed partial firmness wedged against his ass, he didn't comment and Kerr was grateful because he didn't want an automatic reaction that he couldn't help to derail their conversation.

At least Ben had mourned while he destroyed the apartment. It was something. Ben's anger was never far away - and nothing soothed him for long. The analogy of destroying a lie intrigued Kerr. Seeing the city as nothing but a nest of falsehoods was understandable but it also said a lot about Ben's state of mind. There was no more trust, yet he was forcing himself to stay to confront it... but why? He had nothing to prove to a city that had turned its back.

"It's very complicated," Kerr sighed, turning his head so that he was able to rub Ben's jaw thoughtfully with his nose, his lips moving against the skin of his throat. "I'm intrigued by this notion of 'too soon', though. It seems to me you're torturing yourself, staying here to prove a point you haven't fully unpacked. Explain it to me. How long is 'long enough'? What's your criteria for an acceptable time frame of staying and taking a break from the city that betrayed you?"

[Trillian]

"Until I can't stand it anymore," Ben said so quietly that only vampiric ears would hear him. Kerr might have thought when he'd said it the first time that he was being flippant but it was how he wished to measure it. Ben would stay and live in this city until he could no longer stomach it. "I want to stop running away from defeat. I want to face it and learn to live with it. I just need it to stop spinning first," he said, then breathed a puff of laughter.

Kerr's touch and hold were keeping him calm and talkative. He felt safe. Reassured.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was quiet, thinking about Ben's self-imposed time limit. He was determined to hold out until some inexplicable, indefinable, untenable situation was reached and only then would he concede? The thought of him pushing himself to some awful breaking point squeezed Kerr's heart with worry but he wasn't sure what he could do about it. Yet. If he hung on and remained at Ben's side, surely a strategy would reveal itself.

"Okay," Kerr murmured, as if Ben had asked him a question, even though he hadn't. He lifted his head, rubbing his cheek slowly and thoughtfully against Ben's. He supported the notion that Ben shouldn't run from defeat but he thought his mental state shouldn't be sacrificed for pride. It was a delicate endeavour. "Okay," he said again, nodding against Ben's face.

"Just... know that there's no shame in protecting yourself, though. If 'I can't stand it anymore' turns into 'sending me insane' I'm not going to give you a choice. I will overrule you," he warned. "I'm not interested in watching this break you, no matter how much you think you should be able to endure. A strategic retreat is not running away. You're not that Ben anymore and you don't owe these people anything. They're not even going to be thinking about the election by this time next week," he snorted.

[Trillian]

Ben was surprised Kerr was still hung up about the election. It wasn't losing the election that he was reeling from, but what it had taught him.

"It's not because of election aftermath," he said, explaining even though he hated that he had to. "It's my..." what? he didn't know. "It's me. It's my changing viewpoint. It's spinning like a compass over a magnet. I need to find my true north."

He thought he'd had it. This city had proved him wrong. It wasn't the half that had voted him that concerned him - he already knew why they'd voted for him. Three main reasons that were fueled by justice, hope or greed. What he didn't understand was why so many had voted for Jake. They made no sense to him. Lan Bao's votes did make sense but while she could've tipped things towards him the other way, it still didn't explain the thousands of idiots oppressed by Jake's kingdom and were apparently happy enough to support him. What the fuck was wrong with them? Because something was definitely wrong with them.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was disappointed that he couldn't be Ben's true north but he also understood the concept of catharsis. Of rebirth. He understood that it was the aftermath of the election that had Ben reeling; they were both there. Kerr also had no idea how to fill the void.

He assumed 'true north' to be code for a new passion. Hopefully that wouldn't become killing Jake. Either way, it wasn't the sort of thing that would crop up quickly and if it was going to eat at Ben in the meantime, Kerr didn't understand why a distraction wasn't warranted. He couldn't keep banging on about it, though.

Sighing, Kerr tightened his grip on Ben's waist briefly. "That won't happen quickly," he observed quietly, his tone bland because he didn't have an opinion on it one way or the other - as long as Ben wasn't driven crazy in the meantime.

[Trillian]

Ben moved, shifting in Kerr's hold, knocking away his embrace because of his slow spin and only so that he could turn towards him, pressing his chest and groin against Kerr's and looking up into his face. His arms, dropping initially for the move, positioned themselves around Kerr's waist, keeping him close.

"I don't want to be pushed away," Ben admitted. "I know I hurt you. I'm sorry. But I need to... act. I'm done talking."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr loosened his hold on Ben so that he could turn within his embrace and reposition his arms. When Ben was settled, Kerr's arms settled again, his hands linked in the small of Ben's back as he looked down into his beautiful eyes. A wave of sadness rolled over him as Ben apologised, acknowledging that he hurt him. It was what he'd wanted; it soothed the raw wound inside, though it couldn't wipe away what had been done.

He nodded, a small smile curling around his mouth. Ben was difficult to love but they both knew that. This time in their relationship was going to test them like never before. He tried to gear himself up for navigating the choppy waters ahead, praying for a keel that would hold him steady when Ben wavered. "Alright. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I can't stomach anything to do with him. I'll endeavour to do better. I do want to help you but... well, I don't want to smother you, either. That'll just piss you off more," he said wryly, releasing a breathy laugh as he unlinked his hands just long enough to scratch his nose before locking them behind Ben again.

"Any idea what sort of acting you want to do?" He couldn't help but glance around the destroyed room trepidatiously, considering the acts Ben had already indulged in. Hopefully he'd started with a bang and there might be a little less heart-wrenching in their future... but Kerr doubted it.

[Trillian]

A wry smile when Kerr spoke of suffocating Ben. It was true that it didn't take much for him to feel stifled. He'd been a lonely, isolated kind of human being and that had transitioned with him into vampirism. It had been a plus back then, easy to sire him because he had no ties, but he hadn't looked further into that personality trait to realise what it meant at his core... that he couldn't easily make connections. They were rare and they were special because they were rare.

His primary connection was with Kerr. A secondary one had an equal place, (and both of them much lesser to Kerr) was Vincent and Charon. Nobody really came close after them. His connections needed trust and Saraekiel didn't even get a look in. The dark angel had passed on a huge opportunity to prove himself with Ben but he wasn't interested in doing so and now he was relegated to temporary status.

"No idea," he said, but added: "I'll do my best to temper myself."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's smile mirrored Ben's. "I appreciate that," he responded seriously before his lips spread in a grin. He felt closer to Ben than he had in nights and it lightened his heart like no-one else could. "Ahh, but... " he began and bent down and picked Ben up, his hands around his ass and his back in order to lift him up so Kerr could look straight into his eyes, forehead pressed to forehead.

"You still do what you have to do, my beautiful one. I'm here." He pooched his lips forward to lightly kiss Ben's before pulling his head back and lowering him to the floor again, his hold loosening reluctantly. "Now. What the hell are we going to do about this place?" he queried, looking around them pointedly.

[Trillian]

At the lift Ben wrapped his legs around Kerr's thighs and hooked his ankles together, arms lifting and resting on Kerr's shoulders for stability.

"You can help me mess up the spare room," he suggested, voice low and not talking about vandalism in the slightest.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's head tilted back and he laughed heartily at Ben's cheeky come on. He didn't waste any time in turning them in the right direction and wading through the wreckage towards Ben's nominated destination.

[Trillian]

* * *

Afterwards, they were spent and tangled together upon the mattress, the lower sheet wrinkled and the top sheet and blankets thrown upon the floor, staring at the ceiling or the wall, or at each other's profiles, caressing what parts of one another's bodies that they could reach. There was no panting as they recaught their breath or pounding heartbeats, but sweat did glisten as did the shine in their eyes as they returned from the heights they'd offered each other.

It took a long moment before Ben disturbed that peace, that silence. He relished it, thinking how much better being with Kerr was over anyone else. But the words Kerr used had caused him to suffer, the declaration that he 'saved himself' for Ben because he wanted to. It filled him with dread, every implication that stemmed from it would only end badly.

"Do you miss Ash?" he inquired. It wasn't the conversation that had begun spiralling its tendrils in his mind but very suddenly it was important to talk about the vampire who they'd both bedded on separate occasions for very different reasons.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr turned his head - which had, happily, landed on a pillow, even if it was skewed - and pulled a face at Ben. Part surprise, part confusion, he quirked uneven brows at his love and blinked rapidly at him.

Ash Rivers.

He hadn't thought of him since he'd heard that Jake was buying his penthouse for Remiel. Sure, they were under said penthouse right now and Kerr supposed he shouldn't be so surprised the handsome vampire had come up since he'd been a part of their lives when they'd lived here but that still didn't mean he was on his mind.

"Not especially, no. Do you?" he smirked at Ben, amusement dancing around his mouth because he expected there to be scornful denial coming his way. Ben had never been close to the movie star. Not like he had. They'd had some fun together, that was for sure.

[Trillian]

"You don't have anyone that's close to you anymore. It's fine for me, I've never been social, but you're different," Ben said, taking a tiny step closer to his original thought. "You're friendly."

Ben stressed the word in a way that could've been a compliment or an insult. His expression betrayed neither as he looked at Kerr without guile, his head resting on Kerr's upper arm rather than his shoulder so he could focus on his face rather than the pores of his skin.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr simply looked at Ben, trying to figure out why he was being focussed on all of a sudden. Was Ben trying to deflect his attention away from him, so that he wouldn't notice him getting himself into more trouble? Or was he simply looking for opportunities to sneak off and be with Saraekiel? The thought caused a clench in his chest and his eyes to narrow. Maybe it was still about Ichabod. He kind of hoped so.

"You don't have to worry about me," he assured firmly, unwilling to point out that he hung out with Cain every night and that he enjoyed the company of Vincent and Charon. Just because he hadn't got around to do anything with them didn't mean he was lonely. Maybe it was just because the election was finally done and there was a void in both their lives. His role as Campaign Manager had also failed but he wasn't too worried about it.

Jake was also his friend. Assuming no-one murdered him (with or without his partner's advice), Kerr doubted he'd be hanging out with him for a very long time. Maybe in a decade. Or a century.