Unblemished

[Trillian]

Once their visitors were gone a weight was lifted. As Cain was on a short holiday with two of the Lovebite donors, partying and living it up on their generous salaries, it was just him and Kerr for a few nights. After the date recently, Ben's perception of Kerr had shifted and tonight had set that shift more permanently.

Ben turned to face Kerr once they were alone, staring at his sire in a way he used to years ago, the when he'd been reclaimed from New York. The confused, hopeful, expectant gaze had left his face for something more confident and calculated. He'd become someone more honest yet shrewd. Someone far more complex than his base insecurity.

He pulled breath in through his nose and licked his lips but nothing was said. He had no words. He released it gently.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr turned and looked at Ben, watching him start to speak and then not find the words. He lifted a hand and brushed across his cheek, scraping his nails lightly through his hair, curling it over and around his ear down to the side of his neck. Kerr gripped it, the heel of his thumb pressing against Ben's jaw, his fingers massaging his nape lightly.

"That was interesting," he murmured, referring to the whole meeting, not just the fact that Ben's touch had made Remi groan. All of it had been interesting; the fact that Sam moved on from Vomas and had a new lover, the fact that there was an angel of light in the city - in a relationship with a vampire, no less - and that Jake had already got his claws into him. Ben not wanting the mark to go had not been interesting, however, but Kerr wasn;'t ready to speak about that yet.

[Trillian]

The mixture of emotions became a whirlwind inside of him, defying the cool exterior he presented. The only things that broke through were a fluttering of eyelids summoned by the sensation of cool, gentle fingers upon his face, and the heated gaze that followed soon after when his nape was held.

That heat wasn't born of simple lust but by a complexity that Ben hadn't yet puzzled out. Someone with baser instincts would look upon Ben's face and read desire.

"Yes," he said finally. Once his voice was activated, it was simpler to keep it going. "I failed."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr cocked his head curiously. "How so?" he queried, his hand slithering forward and down to rest flat on Ben's chest; a place his hand hadn't loitered in a long time.

[Trillian]

He licked his lips once more but the words dried up again, especially with Kerr's cool hand on his chest. There was something momentous about that touch but he couldn't speak of it, not yet. He spoke about something easier, though the emotion shifted his expression into something colder.

"I let myself be ambushed by Jake and he wasn't even here," he said. "And in warning them of his dangers I made myself look insane. The two of them don't understand the threat of him if they say no to him after taking his bribe."

Ben lowered his gaze and looked down at the hand upon him, light brown lashes touching his cheeks from Kerr's taller vantage point.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr rumbled a dismissive noise in his throat.

"Not insane, nothing that bad. Passionate. It's not like you'd be expected to speak sweetly about your opponent, anyway. And they needed warning... well, maybe they didn't. Remiel needed warning, Sam obviously knows what's up. He led with it - he's clearly worried, as he should be. Trust Jake to try and recruit weapons against the leaders he's supposed to be working with to run the city," Kerr scowled, shaking his head at Jake's audacity and underhandedness.

His tongue moved within his mouth, flipping his tongue stud into a position where it was better gnawed on. His hand slid lower again, fitting to the curve of Ben's waist. "I think Remiel will be influenced by Sam before anyone, though, and Sam's loyal to you. That doesn't put them in a good position with Jake, though. I hope they realise what sort of a bind they've put themselves in."

Kerr shook his head curtly again because he believed they didn't.

[Trillian]

With Kerr's hand sliding to his waist, Ben's hands rose and touched Kerr upon his chest in a doubled mimicry of how he'd been touched just a moment ago. These hands were halting though, in case Kerr tried to pull Ben to him. He didn't want that. Not yet. His face lifted and he looked at Kerr once again, searching for something beyond what they were talking about.

Surface stuff. Not where it hurt. Like they were both scared to.

"For a moment I thought..." his expression clouded then cleared again before evolving back to his first expression; confusion, hope, expectation. "There are moments I don't know you."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr merely nodded, though he wasn't immediately sure what moment Ben was referring to. He'd lived four centuries; there were many things Ben had yet to understand and know about him.

He'd been predictably himself the whole meeting, in his opinion... he thought about the way Ben's face had changed when he'd delivered his ultimatum, though. That had to be it. Ben usually didn't respond well to ultimatums but he'd complied instantly tonight, surprising them both.

"Like I don't know what you're thinking right now," he agreed, hinting. He didn't understand everything in Ben's expression - as he hadn't, earlier. It was... hungry but Kerr couldn't fathom what for. A fight? Being forced to submit?

[Trillian]

"You can just look but I can't," Ben told Kerr softly, remaining as he was. "What I'm thinking isn't enough to know the truth of it anyway. I was blindsided in more ways than one."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned. "Because I made you do it?"

[Trillian]

"You didn't make me do it," Ben argued quietly while pulling his hands from Kerr's chest onto his own, though they curled into loose fists. His expression became focussed as he stared at Kerr's face and considered his next words.

"Blindsided by Jake and then by my thoughts about you," he clarified, shoving his hands into his pockets and shrugging before he continued. "Before you asked me to make my decision, I was thinking of your tattoos. The ones I never got to see in my second reality. The ones of my name. You wanted to be rid of me the same way you want me to be rid of him. I have a better understanding of that moment now."

He gave a light smile but it felt sad on his face so he cast his gaze away. So many times Kerr had given up on him, only to take him back. Even if there were still more chances, he couldn't do that to him anymore. In his choice there had been no hesitation, no anger about the ultimatum. He was proud of himself, for that.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's rapid blinks showed his surprise that the tattoos he'd once proudly engraved and then expelled from his body could still be on Ben's mind now, after all these years. The memory was shrouded in a chaotic time - one of many, frankly - and he didn't care to dig back into his memory for specifics. His perception now was different to what it had been then and he was happy it was like that. Ben looking away from him broke his heart.

He reached up and grabbed a fistful of Ben's shirt. It was almost like he was going to haul his face up against his own except that the way he wound his fingers around the bunch of material was gentle to the point of being beseeching. Kerr's expression matched it, wanting to understand why they were having such a tender and revelatory conversation instead of the argument he'd anticipated might have come from his seething ultimatum. He didn't move Ben one way or the other with his hold.

"It was mourning, not a desire to be rid of you - never that. A surrender, to ease my humiliation. A metamorphosis. I could never rid myself of you, you're in my blood." His gaze lowered from Ben's face to examine his fist, his pinky finger reaching out tentatively, sideways, swishing lightly over where Saraekiass' mark had been. He stared at it, possessiveness and protectiveness stirring darkly in his heart. "You're mine. I'm yours. Our souls are marked and I don't want your body tainted by anyone."

After a moment a sly contemplation, Kerr's head tilted to the side in acquiescence and he gave a half-smirk. "Maybe by me."

[Trillian]

At the grip on his shirt - gently or not - Ben looked at Kerr with surprise and a touch of dread. Had he miscommunicated and upset him? The look on his lover's face said no and Ben relaxed. Kerr continued to confuse him, this time with the juxtaposition of the hold and the tenderness of it.

Mourning. That word captured his attention more than the others. Yes, Ben understood that. The simple idea of Kerr leaving him had been enough to send him into a chaotic spin more recently. The talk of ownership and taint brought a frown to his face that the innuendo removed. Still, he didn't want Kerr to continue thinking in such terms.

"We are not possessions that belong to one another. We give ourselves and receive each other freely. The mark on my chest was... rebellion and consequence. Punishment." He looked down at Kerr's hand gripping his shirt.

[Existentially Odd]

It made Kerr think of that one night he'd managed to wrangle an allusion towards Ben marrying him. It was the most obvious kind of binding but it was too much for Ben, really. Their verbal agreement, giving 'freely' was enough for him.

There were no guarantees. Kerr knew it, really. It'd been proven by the pair of them time and again. They'd come back to each other, though. Eventually or straight away, it didn't matter. He just... he'd watched Sam and Remiel in their burgeoning honeymoon period and it'd stirred a longing in him. Longing for things he didn't truly need, he just wanted them. A giddy, lovestruck pairing wanting to burst open and shout labels and all about that connection from the rooftops.

He released Ben's shirt and smoothed it over, smiling at him in such a way that it didn't reach his eyes. "Punishment," he repeated the word, nodding and tasting the concept of it as his hand fell back to his side. Was such a thing allowed between them if ownership was not? It made sense that it wasn't, especially since Kerr had returned to Ben with the understanding that he deserved to explore the desire that hurt Kerr, as Kerr had hurt Ben with Cain.

The mark had been an awful reminder of his own vulnerability. The fact that such a pairing could bruise him when he strove for impenetrability had smacked him repeatedly in the face. He didn't know if it would be easier to forget now. He didn't know if he should be ashamed of himself if it was. He thought he probably would be but that wouldn't stop him being relieved it was gone. He was grateful. There was only so much self flagellation he could tolerate.

"I need to evolve," he declared, his voice rough as he looked at Ben's face, loving him more than he'd ever thought possible, overwhelmed by it to the point of pain in his chest. "I'm working on it," he assured, his tone flippant even though the subject matter was not so. Four hundred years of pent-up wishes and desires were hard to break away from. "Thank you for your patience." His smile crinkled his eyes this time and he leant forward to press his lips to Ben's forehead.

[Trillian]

Ben knew his word of 'punishment' had messed with Kerr's thoughts by the look of his unsmile. He wondered if they'd miscommunicated again, that Kerr was focussed on that word like Ben had focussed on 'mourning'. Both negative words that could be flipped positively. Kerr had freed Ben from his punishment with that mark; demanded it, really. Ben hadn't been mourned in the end, even though his first three formative years as a vampire with Kerr had been lost.

After the kiss, the pressure of it on his forehead rather welcome, Ben shook his head. "You've already evolved. Are evolving. The trick is in doing it together. I've been... using you, I suppose, as my safety. You've been keeping me from going too far. I imagine it must feel at times like you're holding me back but I need that."

He thought of how Kerr had pressed him, almost flippantly, for his choice. The growl in his voice, the hard look in his eye. Don't fuck with me, his mood had said but with polite words. And damn, Ben had felt a very strong flare of eroticism in it. Why? His confusion lifted like a fog, and clarity took its place.

"I've been attracted to power my whole life. Men like Lazarus and Themba, and... and him, they're attracted to me because I'm their mirror. Their ego is what drives them to me. Not because I'm pretty or smart but because of that... hunger. They want to shape me in their image. That's all I am to them. If I'd thrown myself at Jake at the start, I bet I'd have been in his bed too. They're all the same. I'd called it my darkness but it's more pathetic than that. I just want control."

Perhaps because he felt like a fraud his whole life. He'd earnt nothing for himself. The Academy, his only success, was borne with an inheritance. The only thing he was personally good at was finding men who were infatuated with him, or who could become so. It felt wrong to put Kerr in that group but he was certainly there. Ben looked at him, apologetic.

"I love you. You're the only one I love."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr smiled his love at Ben, grasping his waist lightly and kissing him with the passion such a declaration deserved; it was heartfelt and hard but brief. It was a spark for Kerr's body, completing the trifecta because his mind and soul had already been aroused by Ben's admissions.

"I love only you too," he whispered as he pulled back to stare intently into Ben's eyes, "and I love the idea of evolving with you. I think that's one of the most insightful things you've ever said to me. Keep reminding me of that," he told Ben urgently, pressing their foreheads together firmly before he pulled back.

"But tell me," he began with a thoughtful frown, his thumbs rubbing and digging into the flesh by Ben's hips almost nervously, "when you have control in six weeks or so... will you forgive yourself and stop chasing after men that don't deserve you? Will you be ready to be the one in power and wield it the way I see you doing?" His tongue stud was tapping against the roof of his mouth as he allowed his concerns about Ben's weaknesses into the light between them.

Are you ready for me to let go? Do you believe in yourself like I believe in you?

[Trillian]

Kerr's praise extracted a broad smile from Ben as it warmed him to his toes. Kerr's next comment and question required thought and he paused for a moment before answering.

"It'll be the validation I need," Ben agreed. "It'll be something I went after myself, that I wanted for myself. I'm... excited about it in a way that I haven't felt for a long time. I associate that feeling with you, actually. The night we met at Risk." Ben's eyes twinkled at the memory. "It was the most perfect moment of my life."

Ben's hands returned to Kerr's chest, palms against his muscles before they gently slid up and to his shoulders, moving past and linking at his nape.

"I'm so lucky I rejected Lazarus the first time I went there. I'd probably have ended up dead."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr nodded as Ben talked of validation, examining his expression intently and finding Ben's words reassuring. He was on the cusp of metamorphosis, Kerr sensed it. Understanding his own desires better - even though it had come at Cain's expense - was grounding Ben in unprecedented ways.

He was poised to become so much more than the plaything of rich or powerful men that didn't compare to him.

The building excitement was doused effectively when Lazarus was mentioned. The name actually caused Kerr's lip to curl in disgust for a moment. "Lazarus?" he frowned. "Rejected? What do you mean?" he asked, obviously perplexed.

[Trillian]

Ben had started playing with the hair that ended at the top of Kerr's nape, brushing the pads of his fingers against it when he asked a question about something Ben thought he'd already mentioned.

"The first night I went to Risk," Ben stressed with a lazy smile. When there was no obvious comprehension, Ben quirked his head to the side. "Surely I've told you? I guess... I didn't recognise him then so I guess I couldn't tell you and then it wasn't important. Huh." After a brief pause he explained. "The first time I went to Risk was on a Saturday night. It was packed. The only vampire I ended up seeing was Lazarus, only I didn't know him at the time. He was in a booth with three groupies when we made eye contact. As much of a fucker that he is, he does have charisma and he held my stare with it. He lost me when he gestured for me to come to him. No way was I going to him with three guys already there. The next time I went to Risk was a weeknight. I met you." He gave Kerr a goofy grin. "Fate."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr could feel the disbelieving expression on his face; it had to fall somewhere between disgust and fascination. He had a sliding doors moment where he imagined what might have happened had Ben hooked up with Lazarus before him. He'd likely have been sired quickly. The two of them were a powder keg together and Kerr could imagine that they'd have sparked immediately. Ben had been hungry for the change and he'd have fed Lazarus' ego until he got what he wanted.

If they'd been together all this time, Kerr had no doubt that Ben would be in charge by now. He'd have the control he sought and likely the power, too. Lazarus wouldn't have stood a chance. He hated to think about what stage of his personal development Ben would be at, however. Lazarus' influence could've created a monster for his own delight... or Ben could've stayed the course. Both scenarios were as likely as the other. It was a difficult thing to contemplate with Ben caressing the back of his neck and Lazarus far enough away that the threat wasn't immediate; Kerr pushed it from his mind and grinned ruefully.

"That's... quite the story to think about. No way would he have killed you. He'd have fledged you in three of your heartbeats. What's more concerning is that you would've left me with fucking Mandy. I'd probably still be stuck in that house in some weird arrangement with Sawyl and her, dreaming of being free." He pulled a face that advertised how distasteful the idea was but then smiled again. His gaze became intent as he gripped Ben even tighter and hauled him up against him, leaning down to deliver a kiss that dominated Ben's mouth, all tongue and passion and clarity. The last thing he needed was to think about Ben and Lazarus when there were enough distractions in their lives.

The kiss broke as abruptly as it began and Kerr stared hard into Ben's eyes. "Thank fate or the gods or whothefuckever that you were such a prude back then and you stayed away from that motherfucker. You're too good for all of them and once you're in charge, you'll prove that you're so much more than a mirror. You'll be the fucking sun and they'll orbit you," he growled, the bite he'd delivered his earlier ultimatum with back in his voice now.

As much as it pained him, he couldn't afford to hold Ben back - not even from idiotic political connections that might (he didn't see how) yield some sort of tangible benefit down the line.  That was part of being the force of power; making mistakes and living with the consequences. Fuck but he wanted to protect Ben from all that shit, though.

[Trillian]

Ben was jarred rather violently from their moment. You were such a prude back then. Kerr threw that little gem in there amongst his thankfulness and a hint of something bigger with Sawyl and Mandy that Ben didn't understand and would have to dig around for the story in his movie memories. Prude. It wasn't a nice word. It made him wonder what Kerr would call him now.

The kiss came next and he was surprised by the force of it. The shock of the word left his mind as he focussed on something much more pleasant. Ben responded eagerly and blinked when Kerr's lips left him. The press of Kerr's lips continued to form an impression on his own and he ran his tongue over the tingling as he listened to Kerr insist that he was on the right path.

"Yeah. Yes. I will bring the city together again," Ben promised.

It was fate.