Austria

[pinkroses]

Ichabod shifted slightly in Kerr’s lap as Ben appeared, sitting up a little straighter and gazing up at Ben, wondering if he should get up, but at the same time not wanting to draw away from his sire.

“Just… if it’s on the way I’d like to see the Hofburg Imperial Palace, just a look, not to go inside or anything, we don’t have time for that. It doesn’t matter if it’s out of the way, I wasn’t sure,” Ichabod said, glancing between Ben and Kerr. He hadn’t really had much time to see where things were but he could remember flicking past that page in the guide book. They would have to get back to meet the ‘dinner’ they had ordered before they’d left the hotel.

“Did you find anything good?” he added, really interested in what Ben might have found. He wished he could have spent more time looking around here, although he knew he’d not done as much as he could have tonight. He had all the time in the world to read, he could come back here one day. Kerr needed someone now.

[Trillian]

"Yeh, but I think there were better books that didn't have sections in English," he said with a shrug.  He could've brought these books back to Kerr, for him to translate, but then there would have been a lot of back and forth and if Kerr hadn't been in the mood he was in, Ben would've dragged him over and had his sire read things out to him.  That was one thing he and Kerr didn't gel on; books.  It was a shame Kerr didn't share his intensity and excitement for research, and for books in general.  At least they were both interested in history, but although Ben could share in his sire's interest in the history of an object such as furniture or piece of art, he felt like Kerr's interest in Ben's most favourite thing in the world was... well, trivial at best and forced or dismissive at worst.  Oh, he could talk to Kerr about things he'd discovered, at least there was that, and he was sure that Kerr would be interested in hearing what Ben had learned about the Mimics (only enough to know they'd been created by dragon magic, they multiplied like single cell organisms after a chrysalis stage, and they could be summoned like any other demon), but Ben had learned - through disappointment over the years - that Kerr wouldn't greet his information with wide-eyed excitement, but rather with intelligent and calm conversation.  Ben was expecting too much, he knew, but he had insight enough to appreciate the irony that Ichabod was more likely to greet his enthusiasm in a way that Ben approved of.  "I found enough to send Murphy," he added after a moment.

"Hofburg is on the way back to the hotel," Ben finally acknowledged, answering Ichabod's last question first and his first question last (but only because the mumbling afterward had distracted and annoyed him), "we can hoof it but if we go by taxi there'll be more time to look at it and take pictures before we get back."

As he waited for Ichabod's decision on whether to go by foot or cab, he looked at the pair of them - sire and fledgling - cuddled up on the chair.

[Existentially Odd]

The decision was taken away from Ichabod by Kerr, who interjected with enthusiasm once a lull came.  "A taxi is an excellent idea.  We can get there fast and see as much as you want," he smiled at Cub, sharing an intimate look with him before he nudged his fledgling to his feet, leaned down to pick up his camera bag and stood as well.  He shared his smile with Ben once vertical, though that feeling of panicked sadness still lurked in his chest as they made eye contact and an overwhelming sensation of inadequacy overtook him.  Hearing Murphy's name as a priority and not being told what Ben had learned affected him more queerly than he'd have expected but, as usual, he was determined to not let it show.

"Let's go," he said brightly and led the way out of the library this time, already fussing with his camera bag as he went.  On the way out of the building he asked one of the librarians where the best place to find a taxi would be and was told there was a rank not too far but his best bet was to call for one.  The librarian arranged it for them and they only had to wait a few minutes (spent browsing around the library's foyer or fiddling with camera lenses) before one pulled up on the street outside.

When they reached the complex that was the Hofburg Palace, Kerr was shocked by just how enormous it truly was and was heard to remark many times that, "This wasn't here before... " as they circumnavigated the place to get a feel for how large it truly was and what its prominent features were.  There were many delectable photo opportunities outside the grand old buildings and he positioned Ichabod and Ben as much as he dared, wanting some lovely shots of them.  He even surrendered his camera to a guard a couple of times when Ichabod suggested he should be in the photos too.

Genuine excitement ignited inside Kerr when he found out that the Vienna Hofburg Orchestra were currently performing in The Festsaal and he set about securing tickets for them all to attend the next night.  He knew his fledglings weren't averse to Orchestral performances but they would likely have preferred to explore the Prunksaal (the palace's library), so he greatly appreciated their mirrored enthusiasm for the upcoming event.  In all likelihood they were just glad to see him somewhat roused from his morose state, but he could certainly forgive them that; even to himself, he felt better when thinking about the music he'd experience in such a beautiful location - more like himself.

They ended up exploring a relatively small portion of the Palace that night, knowing they'd be able to see more the next.  Since the President resided in parts of it, some was inaccessible due to being too heavily guarded, but other parts that looked interesting to the vampires encouraged Kerr to Dominate a guard to take them through on personal tours or to let them pass by without incident.  His powers came in handy and when he found himself tiring, the guards also made tasty pick-me-ups.  Seeing beautiful old things so well preserved made Kerr as close to happy as he was able to get and he began to open up more about his previous experiences in Austria (limited as they were), regaling his fledges with stories of buildings and people met (though Sawyl had been keeping him on a very tight and blood-soaked leash at that stage), describing with fondness what it had been like to look into a young Mozart's head and hear the man thinking in music.

When dawn was too close to ignore, they returned to their hotel, the boys fed and they cuddled into bed, Kerr kissing foreheads and pulling them close.  He hadn't expected to be feeling more positive at this stage and even though it was based on a flimsy plan the next night, he grasped at it like a lifeline, allowing it to push out the crowd of negative thoughts of his own failure of Ben and Ichabod and the entire Oligarchy for a little while.  Unfortunately, they were still there, eating into his psyche while he slept, propelling him early from his slumber once more, sending him out of the bed away from his beloved family and into a semi-bright living room to sort through the horrors he'd been dealt in his sleep and the crushing aftermath of hopelessness he was left wallowing in.

By the time Ben awoke, Kerr was not the happier person he'd been the night before, but he'd worked his way out of the Hell he'd awoken in and was able to turn his thoughts to the night ahead instead.  They showered and dressed up for the concert and travelled in tuxedoes to the event in a horse-drawn carriage that Kerr had organised in his daylight hours.  His chest swelled with pride and he smiled as he took photos of his fledglings sitting across from him, beaming and looking around themselves in wonder as they travelled in a method of conveyance that was abnormal for them (and merely made him nostalgic).  They turned heads that night for more reasons than just the younger vampires' looks and Kerr couldn't help but think of them as his princes as they rolled by the Palace in amongst the traffic.

The concert transported him as he'd hoped it would (though he hadn't expected to shed quite so many tears and regretted how the music tore into his emotions and rent him asunder more than once) and spirits were buoyant as they filed out of the breathtakingly beautiful concert hall.  They spent the rest of their night exploring everything they hadn't seen in the Palace complex the night before, again using Kerr's mind tricks to gain entrance where no normal public member would go.  When Ben and Ichabod went off looking at books, Kerr accompanied them and made sure to show more interest and be more enthusiastic this night, his way of repaying their indulgence of him in the concert.

They left Vienna the next night and travelled into other parts of the country according to the dictates of guide books and interest, hiring a car and staying in quite rustic hotels that had no horrific memories for Kerr thereafter.  The itch of work, the lack of pressing concerns beating at his brain was replaced with an increased ability to enjoy time spent with his fledglings and the sire found himself able to relax more and think less.  The nightmares lessened and Kerr, thankfully, also saw less and less of the daylight as their trip continued into hamlets and towns, up mountains and into valleys whose beauty defied description but begged countless clicks of his camera.

Of course, he wasn't perfect but the amount of introspection and rumination time he indulged in decreased and he found that what he (and the boys) allowed himself made him better for it.  He began to talk to his fledglings about how he was feeling, apologising for any time he'd ever let them down and mentioning that he didn't feel he and the Luminary's position were a good fit any more.  It was more than the embarrassment of the Masquerade; it was what underlaid that and he told them so.  As old and experienced as he felt himself to be, in the face of ancient beings he was but a blink and his natural disposition to worship was a flaw he couldn't accommodate.  It baffled him that he, who was made by an ancient and a newling so young he wasn't even an adult could be so vulnerable to aged influences... but for all that he couldn't explain it, he couldn't deny it, so there was no real point wondering, was there?

A little over a week into their journey, on the eighth night, Kerr also found it within himself to begin addressing the chasm between he and Ben.  He waited until Ichabod headed for the shower and then went to where Ben was sitting at the small table in their cosy room, poring over a map to confirm where they would go that evening.  Kerr sat in the other chair, more or less opposite his love and grasped his hand on the table to get his attention.  When Ben looked up at him, he came out with it, wanting to have this conversation before Ichabod returned.  "I don't want there to be anyone else between us any more," he said earnestly, his brown eyes reflecting the pain he thought this stupid decision had wrought them in the first place.  "I want you to revoke your permission."

[Trillian]

Ben blinked slowly twice as his thoughts caught up with what Kerr had just said to him.  He'd been thinking about travelling and sights, places of interest both man-made and natural.  Not only did he have to change his focus to Kerr, but he also had to switch gears and face the declaration made to him.  It took a little more silence as the pair of them stared at one another while Ben decided what was best as a response.

"But nobody has come between us, regardless of my permission," Ben said carefully, wondering what Kerr was trying to tell him.  Had he slept with Cain and not told Ben about it?  As far as he knew, Kerr had licence to take advantage of a spontaneous romp with anyone he liked except for Jenna and Ichabod (and Ben was just beginning to have second thoughts on the Ichabod deal, thinking it might be what Ben and Ichabod needed to be more on an even footing and have Ichabod more relaxed and feeling less out-looking-in).

He wanted to pull his hand away and sit back but thought Kerr would read more into that action than Ben just wanting to settle into a more comfortable position.  At the moment he was sat forward and over the table.  His hand betrayed him, twitching slightly in Kerr's hold.

[Existentially Odd]

The twitch registered subconsciously and Kerr immediately moved his hand away from Ben's, curling it loosely on the map on the table instead, still so hesitant to make too much contact with his love because he felt unwanted.

"Well, technically, yes," he agreed, pulling an ugly face that was part consideration of Ben's remark, part repulsion at what he had done with Cain that had embarrassed him so profoundly and part recrimination of all these thoughts that felt like a betrayal in themselves.  He'd been stupid, he'd been fallable and it had been yet another way he'd let Ben down, he didn't want to do that any more, ever again.  He shook his head to clear the expression and looked into Ben's beautiful eyes, expressing these thoughts.

"But it's stupid.  I feel like... it's letting you down.  Again.  I don't want that any more.  Unless... you want it?  For you?" he finished worriedly, suddenly realising that Ben might be arguing the point now because he was interested in the freedom, too.  With Murphy, for instance.  Shit, why hadn't he thought of that earlier?

[Trillian]

Ben watched Kerr's hand go, about to grab at it, but when it stopped before leaving the table he debated going after it.  By this time Kerr had begun speaking, and Ben's hand twitched again before he closed his fingers into a fist tighter than the one Kerr was currently making.  He felt the opportunity was lost to make a natural connection, and now physically things were feeling strangely forced between them.  Since Kerr had mentioned to Ben some time ago that he didn't instigate sex (and had been the driving motivation behind Ben's permission in the first place), Ben would remember the statement made at peculiar times; times such as this, which would make him feel awkward and uncomfortable.

Now he watched and listened to his lover relate how he didn't want to let him down anymore, and followed that up by questioning Ben's own loyalty.  Yay.

Taking a breath just so he could sigh, he closed his eyes and shook his head.

No, he sent Kerr mentally, before sitting back and pinching the bridge of his nose as though he had a headache - except such a thing no longer occurred without a thumping.  It was an action he could take that would stall his sire for a moment before he spoke again, opening his eyes and looking at Kerr frankly as he did.

"You're going to let me down again, no matter how hard you try not to, and I'm going to let you down," he added hurriedly, for fear Kerr would balk in the extreme before he had a chance to spit that out.  "You can't control disappointment, just like you can't control... anger, or happiness, or love.  We're not perfectly made for one another, but I don't think anybody is.  I think that's for characters in a book.  Or in a movie," he added, knowing Kerr was more of a screen-watcher than a page-turner.  "It takes work, and freedom.  We're connected forever, you and I...

not as much as you and Ichabod
where the hell was that
jealousy
coming from?

...and even if in a hundred years we're apart and sleeping with other people, I'd like to think that we can love one another when we do get together."

He shrugged, knowing that so far into the future was impossible to read, but he could always hope.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, tasting arguments and rejecting them as Ben related his point of view, realising this conversation could become so much more complicated and long-winded than Ichabod's shower was going to take, if they let it.  He'd expected Ben to agree simply; but his fledgling was right.  They couldn't control each others' emotions, but Kerr was determined to do a better job somehow.

"Yes, and a hundred years is a generous mortal lifetime.  Don't you think we should be attempting to stay monogamous for a more respectable portion of that than the few years we've managed?" he queried, wondering if it was just he that was seeing their lack of faith to one another as yet another failing.  "While we're together, shouldn't we do a better job of being exclusive?"

Some mortal couples married young and grew old together, staying faithful for seventy, eighty years.  How was it possible that they, supposedly elevated beings beyond mortals, couldn't sit here and contemplate that sort of fealty for even twenty or thirty years?  Why did they need to sew freedom into their creed to make their relationship work?  Was it him?

[Trillian]

Ben had very little to say in the face of Kerr's response.  By the look of things all Kerr wanted was a commitment.  A committed relationship.  Ben had given him that, and they were in that, but now Kerr wanted to officially make it exclusive - even though they both already were.  He knew the difference though; Kerr had permission to stray, permission that he didn't want and felt like it cheapened what they had.  Ben had discovered upon knowing Kerr's lusty desire for Cain, that it was one thing to think openly about Kerr with someone else, and one thing to know that some physical action had come of it.

"Yes," he said, and because Kerr had phrased it into two questions, he said it again, though this time with a grin, "yes."  It was much easier now to lean forward and grip Kerr's hand, and had he really felt so awkward just a moment ago?  How absurd.

[Existentially Odd]

"Okay," Kerr breathed and smiled back, gripping Ben's hand in return even as his shoulders sagged with relief.  In fact, his whole body felt the relief, like a weight he hadn't known he'd been bearing suddenly lifted off his shoulders and flew away, leaving him clearer and happier.  With this agreement, he could see his way to doing his best for Ben once more, because there were expectations between them; it hadn't felt right to be told that neither of them could do anything about each others' feelings because it had made him feel hollow, like he'd let Ben down once and it could never be helped so there was no point even trying.  But he wanted to try, he wanted to impress, he wanted to be the best partner he could be, focussed on one man and their life together.

He felt he'd been given more than a command to not stray.  He felt he'd been given permission to love Ben again, silly as that was - because he felt he could once more attempt to live up to expectations now that their boundaries were set.

"C'mere," he whispered, tugging on Ben's hand as he stood up, wanting to draw his love close, to grasp his face between his hands, tell him he loved him and kiss him tenderly before he hugged him tightly, needing a hug to seal this agreement between them.  It was a sudden but welcome turnaround, to go from feeling distant and awkward about touching Ben to desperately wanting to feel his body pressed close, and all because he felt they were finally able to move forward with some synchronicity.

[Trillian]

Ben felt the tension leave Kerr's body as he was drawn close and hugged.

Ichabod had been right not to confront Kerr, and he wondered if his fledge brother had felt some of Kerr's tension go while sitting with him in the library on their first tourist trip out.  Ben thought not.  This relief was for Ben himself, and it had a lot to do with the symphony, where Kerr had released a lot of his emotion and they'd wandered around feeling more like a close trio than a pair with a tagalong.  Things had been better from then on, but obviously Kerr had done some thinking while they visited town after town after landmark after pretty vista.

Ben hugged his sire, his lover, back tightly and didn't realise until just now how much of Kerr's tension had found its way to him.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr pulled back as he heard Ichabod's shower shut off and encouraged Ben to return to what he'd been doing, wandering off to run his hands across suitcases, as if to check they'd packed everything for their imminent departure.  He knew they had, that they were ready to move on to their next destination but he didn't want to intrude too much on Ben's plans and he needed some time to savour this moment.  It was, again, no huge advancement but he now felt that at least things weren't completely upside down and inside out anymore; they were certainly splayed before him like a child's scattered blocks, but accessible and understandable.  Arrangeable.  Beyond a few obstacles, there might be light.

The lack of overwhelming stagnation where Ben was concerned made everything less forced and a couple of times as they traversed autobahns and pulled over to inspect glinting emerald pools at dizzying Alpine heights that night, Kerr actually found himself smiling at the easy banter between his fledglings.  He didn't participate overly, but the nervous looks he got from them were less and he didn't feel as separate.  The chasm of separation from Ben he'd been going to launch himself into was at his back well and truly and his thoughts began to turn towards what he could do to fill the blank landscape before them in the future.  How could the palette of their relationship change, what could they paint next, just the two of them?  Ichabod was still the crutch, the buffer between them, but Kerr didn't need to cling to his youngest to protect him from even looking at his partner; now he could look and feel okay.  Curious, even.

The sire was distraught, then, when nightmares propelled him from his sleep on the tenth afternoon of their stay, earlier than the night before and more violently.  Perhaps it was something to do with them being closer to the Swiss border, for they'd travelled slightly north and then west from Vienna, landing in an innocuous town by the name of St Anna am Aigen and were nearer to Switzerland than they had been so far.  Many horrors had befallen him in Switzerland but they'd been two hundred years before, it didn't make sense to him that he should surface from subconsciously battling his sire all because of memories he'd long since buried about him and his evil mothers, but Kerr could think of no other reason that he awoke punching and kicking, crying out and feeling ghostly lacerations split his skin apart as a Sawyl of old took a switchback razor to his flesh to punish him for shunning his games.

Shaking, he crawled from the middle of the pushed-together beds, over Ichabod and onto the carpet.  He found an uncomfortable armchair to huddle in, hugging himself while he sorted out what was memory, what was reality and what was fiction in his addled mind, despairing that his advancements with Ben hadn't seemed to have addressed what was poisoning his soul; ineptitude.  His entire vampiric existence was a symphony of it and the nightmares were only bringing it all into sharp relief.  He'd been a difficult student, an unwilling vampire, a tortured learner from a sire and fledglings that had many more advantages and were far superior to him.  He'd fought them when he could but had ended up conceding and living a shell of an existence until Mandy and Ben came along.  Then he'd come out of his box only to stumble time and again, failing Ben repeatedly, eventually losing all contact with Mandy and drunkenly navigating a recent existence filled with potholes of disappointment.  The Oligarchy had been entrusted to him and he'd known some success at that until it was brought into sharp relief that he didn't have the resources to function at the required level of skill needed to control it properly.

He just... didn't have what any of it took... and his subconscious seemed unwilling to progress beyond the rut, despite beautiful music and promising agreements and assurances from the two men he loved in the nights prior.

Driven into a renewed pit of hopelessness, Kerr had achieved only a modicum of equilibrium by the time his fledglings awoke.  If he'd been more alert, he'd have noticed that they rose sooner than usual - likely sleeping uneasily because of his intensified nightmare the day just gone - he'd have looked at their concerned expressions, heard the worry in their voices and thought about what he was doing.  It might have brought him around to functioning more productively, but it didn't.  They got up in their little hotel room to find their sire staring at a barricaded, covered-up window, hugging his updrawn legs in a huddle in a chair.  At first, he looked through them when they spoke to him, didn't move when they touched him, responded with surprise when they reached out mentally to him.  He roused himself enough to greet them, to apologise for... well, he merely said he was sorry, but not what for, and told them he needed...a  moment.  He then went back to staring at the wall.

After milling about for half an hour, showered, packed and ready, Kerr had had many 'moments' but he still hadn't moved and was speaking vaguely, telling Ben and Ichabod they could 'go ahead, I won't be long,' without processing that they were supposed to be driving.  Frustrated, Ben told Ichabod he was going to a corner shop he'd seen nearby, to buy one of the magazines he regularly bought - a fashion magazine that meant he could keep up with the industry he still wasn't entirely committed to re-entering.  He asked Ichabod if he wished to accompany him, because it seemed that nothing would change quickly tonight.  It seemed worse than ever and without explanation.  With little to say about these things, the two younger vampires left the hotel room and ventured into the night alone.  Only when they were gone did their sire blink and feel them pull away, drawing him out from in, slowly, slowly.

~*~

A creature who had not a skerrick of sluggishness about him was already out in this little town tonight.  He was everything sleek, dark and imposing, his tall African frame glinting like bronzed onyx beneath the lights of the little shop as he browsed the magazine stands for the latest releases.  He wore white flared trousers, white patent leather shoes with huge silver buckles, a skin-tight white skivvy and a white vest with a fluffy faux-fur trim (white) that went all the way around the edge of the vest (except around the armholes).  He was dressed to impress, having stopped in this little butt-freckle of a town to coax out of hiding a designer he desperately needed to sign and he would meet with them in an hour.  Until then... he needed something to amuse him.

When the little bell over the door rang as Ben and Ichabod entered, Themba didn't look up.  The shelves of goods lined up in the middle of the shop were tall and difficult for even he, at six feet two, to see past.  It was only when they got closer that the draughts in the small room brought their scent to him, so when he smelled vampires, his gaze lifted out of mere curiosity, then met Ben's... and froze.

It lives
here?
MINE
No, it is not yours
not any longer
it
heBen
here?
HE!

Thoughts raced as their gazes met, those eerie silver eyes looked into his and he was overwhelmed with emotions that he'd fought so hard to bury, that he'd conceded for a greater love and more reasonable purpose.  But they were there and he couldn't process them quickly.  Had he the ability to control the situation, the African ancient would have manipulated it so that he could follow Ben, watch him from a distance, decide who the pretty boy his peripheral glance took in as being 'with him' was.  He would have had time to approach and be the rightful master of this reunion, but he was not and before he could catch himself, he said the name that had chapped his lips these past years; "Ben."

It was a sigh, a condemnation, a demand and a hope in one word and he knew, oh he knew that he was in trouble.  It was the wrong time and the most extraordinary of places but was a man to fight fate?  It obviously was at work here.  Anu was not around, his coven were hence, leaving this business to him and here was Ben, his beloved, silver darling just... walking back into his life.  Surely it meant something?  "Ben," he said again, his expression softening into a hopeful half smile as he turned his body away from the paper books before him, to face the young vampire more squarely.

[Trillian]

Ben had been pleased with how things had started coming back to normalcy with himself and Kerr, and then this evening happened.  At first he'd been tentative, anxious with worry about Kerr's lack of response.  This was worse than anything else they'd experienced during this holiday, yet it reeked with familiarity also.  Kerr had been very like this after Sawyl and the women had died.  Those nights had been very hard, especially on Kerr, but also on Ben, who'd had to grieve with Kerr and then be strong enough to pull him out of his wallowing.  Why was he like this, now?  A vague memory of a connecting dream tugged at him, but because it hadn't been his dream, and because he had difficulty remembering his own dreams (let alone anybody else's), he couldn't pull it to the surface to make any sense of it.  He and Ichabod tugged at Kerr every way they knew how, until Ben's frustration had him less nurturing and more angry.  He knew he had to remove himself out of the equation.  He had to walk away.  He told Ichabod as much, inviting him to come with him so that they could give Kerr the space he might need.  He really hadn't expected Ichabod to come, but his request must've hit exactly the right note because his fledge brother took one last look at Kerr and agreed, hurrying after him out the door.

Ben had expected chatter on the way to the only shop in town that was open at this hour, but both he and Ichabod remained in their own thoughts and said nothing to one another.  Most shops had closed their doors as dusk, but the general store was open until eight, by the hours posted on the sign stuck on the window.  Still, the town was almost a ghost town, and they were lucky enough to see the movement of one thing on the main street - a solitary car with a driver probably on their way home after working late.  There weren't many cars in this town either, Ben had noticed on their way in last night, probably because everything was in walking distance.  They had a couple of buses though, and according to the small hotel's information booklet, one taxi.

When he and Ichabod entered the store, they moved together past the ends of the aisles to peer down them.  The magazines were in the last aisle, and once Ben stepped into it he was aware of a figure all in white but he didn't come to a full stop until he glanced up to the person's face.  As much as Kerr was lost in his history and memories, so too was Ben, though for him it had a much greater clarity.  It was as though all of those years of freedom and evolving himself into the Ben he'd become after New York had disappeared.  Ichabod was no longer in his thoughts.  Kerr was no longer in his thoughts.  His thoughts, in fact, were now very nicely squared away and locked up as tight as he could make them.  He had the self-awareness only to feel underdressed (in tan hiking shoes, light blue jeans, a long-sleeved dark green tee under a cream plaid short-sleeved shirt that was unbuttoned) and inadequate.

When his name was spoken it was like a calling card.  Themba's deep voice resonated within him and Ben was so attuned to the ancient vampire that even after all these years he recognised the tone enough to know that he was desired.  His feet brought him closer until he was directly in front of Themba, looking up to him (as it felt best to do) due to his greater height, his silvery-blue eyes fixed on Themba's dark ones and reached up a hand in order to touch Themba's chest in a familiar and seeking way - to see if the other was truly there - but his hand stopped just shy of fingers brushing fabric and hovered there, undecided.  He didn't have the right to touch him after all this time, he was undeserving.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice a whisper because he had no ability to speak any louder at first.  His next few words found his voice a little, at least, though they still carried no strength.  "I failed you.  I didn't recognise what I had until after it was gone.  I'm unworthy."

He felt better for saying these things, but his face reflected his sorrow rather than his relief.  He'd done wrong by this ancient vampire, so much wrong, and he was surprised now by his own behaviour.  Themba had done so many wonderful things for him and he'd run away.  It had been during a time in his life when running away had seemed best, but he was different now.  He didn't think he'd be able to explain this to Themba.  He didn't think the ancient would believe him.

[pinkroses]

It had been an amazing relief to Ichabod to feel the easing tension in Kerr, he didn’t care that it had been Ben to (seemingly) snap Kerr out of it. He’d kind of been expecting it to be that way when it happened. Kerr wasn’t completely back to normal, but he was getting there, and after the depression it felt like everything was almost back to normal for Ichabod, even though it wasn’t quite.

But then it all seemed to fall apart again. He woke up after a restless night’s sleep, feeling anxious and tense before even seeing Kerr and when he did see his sire and felt that overwhelming grief he felt sick. He hadn’t seen Kerr this bad before – last time he’d been away from the city for the worst of it and it was a shock to the system.

Half of him parted to curl up beside Kerr and mourn with him, but the other half wanted to get away from the pain. So when Ben suggested they go out and Kerr mumbled something about catching them up Ichabod went with it and left his sire, as much as it hurt to do so.

Ichabod stayed silent throughout the walk to the shop, paying no attention to where they were going and barely registering when they actually entered a shop, lost in his own thoughts, trying to figure out what had gone wrong but drawing blanks. His arms were folded across his chest as he stared blankly at the items on the shelves, idly following behind his brother and stopping when he realised they were in the magazine aisle, vaguely remembering Ben had said they were headed here.

He suddenly jerked out of his daze when he realised someone was saying Ben’s name. Ichabod raised his dark eyes, frowning slightly, wondering who they could possibly know here.

Not they apparently. Ichabod had no idea who this guy was, but he obviously knew Ben and from the way Ben was approaching him, Ben knew exactly who he was too. A vampire, an ancient, that was obvious to Ichabod even though he didn’t usually feel as cowed in front of ancients as Kerr and Ben. This figure was intimidating though, but Ichabod wasn’t sure if he was feeling it more because it the subservient way Ben was suddenly acting. He frowned at Ben’s words, completely confused and lost and an attempt to touch Ben’s mind didn’t help in the slightest as his brother was completely closed off and Ichabod felt like he had run into a brick wall. Despite his desire to turn away Ichabod stepped forwards, lightly touching Ben’s back as he couldn’t connect with him mentally and needing a physical anchor instead.

“Hi,” Ichabod said after a moment in a quiet voice, tearing his eyes away from Ben to look up at the ancient, knowing very well that if he were still human his heart would be pounding and his fingers curled around the back of Ben’s shirt as though expecting the blonde to bolt and leave him here alone. Ben wasn't supposed to act like this. He was the confident one, not fawning at someone, apologising over god knows what. Ichabod instantly felt stupid after saying the word (which had been a little more of a squeek than he'd meant to it be), but he felt the need to say something, to hopefully bring Ben out of this without directly trying to pull him away from the ancient which might anger the other vampire. Ichabod got the feeling that Ben wouldn't listen if he spoke to him, but the older vampire might. He needed to stop them from looking at each other like that, but if this ancient  already had a grasp on Ben's mind Ichabod had no clue what he would do. Should he try to get Kerr to come? Would Kerr come? There was no point if this was going to be over in a few seconds which Ichabod was seriously hoping it would be,

[Existentially Odd]

Themba's eyes pricked with tears as his adopted childe approached him obediently, lifting a hand to touch - oh, but he didn't!  The ancient reached out and curled his dark, cool skin around the pale digits of the other and pulled the hand to his chest anyway, wanting them to be connected even though he shouldn't.

The intervention he'd endured after Ben had left him had gone on for months and he and his women had never been the same since.  He'd eventually conceded, yes, but only whislt covetting the knowledge that they would never truly understand the connection he'd had with Ben, the brilliant potential the beautiful and mentally-gifted vampire held.  Not even Holly, with her emotional love and caring aspect had been able to detect that and lever the hot kernel of private triumph out of him.

To be faced with his angel now had to mean something and Themba's brain was a feverish rant trying to find out what that could possibly be.  So few beings had touched him through his millenia of life, that the one who had seared deepest and meant most should be standing before him after just a few blinks of years had to be fate at work.  It made him feel sick, to think of how Anu and Li and Holly would repudiate this reunion, how they'd scorn him... they'd kill Ben.  Themba knew as much, for Anu had stated it bluntly, after telling him how the childe ought to be assassinated for weakening her African demi-God.  He hadn't weakened, though; become bewitched and confused, perhaps, but never weakened.  The women had never understood the true power loving Ben had afforded him, all they'd ever been blinded by were the speed bumps, the disagreements, the tears.

His mile-a-minute thinking was disrupted as the other vampire with Ben spoke.  Themba frowned beyond, at the one who'd said so pointlessly, 'Hi'; what was that to mean?  He was hanging on to Ben, too.  That would never do.  Themba's expression stiffened as anger found its way into his heart, jealousy and raging, frothing ownership of Ben feeding the flames and the tears dried up as he looked into Ben's eyes.  "Who is he, to you?" he demanded, knowing he shouldn't be so possessive but unable to stop himself for Ben would always be his, his, his.

[Trillian]

Ben's hand was clasped and pulled close, and he was relieved (and in an undercurrent, deep in his mind, he was horrified) by this.  Themba wasn't furious with him, disappointed with him, ashamed or embarrassed by him.  They stared at one another for a few seconds and eternity until Themba's gaze was ripped from him, leaving Ben to blink like a man waking from a dream.  He still couldn't take his eyes off Themba's face, even though the ancient was now glaring at someone else, focussing his annoyance on a person other than Ben.  It was only now that Ben was aware of someone pressing a hand against his back, for the hand holding his pressed to Themba's chest had been what he'd been concentrating on; that hard chest, the soft yet taut material stretched over it.

The question was so confusing to Ben that for a moment he could only stare his confusion before he looked to who it was standing beside him.  Ichabod.  Yes, Ichabod, who had come with him quite innocently and left Kerr behind.

Oh, Kerr.  His heart wrenched in his chest so he used that pain in his response to Themba, who he'd begun to stare at once more, disbelieving that he was real even though he was touching him.

"My fledge brother.  Competition for my sire's attention."  He shrugged, indicating Ichabod was of no importance.  It was better for him this way, safer, so much safer, if Themba dismissed him as holding no interest, or better still, considered it in his favour to let Ichabod return to Kerr, so that they would have each other and Ben would not be missed.  It would be better, too, that Ben made himself as undesirable as possible.  "I'm not good enough for him either.  My flaws overshadow my potential."

Please, he begged mentally, but didn't dare beg for anything specific.  Just, please.