Roleplay City
Infusco => DOMICILES => INFUSCO: Enter The Shadows => Capital Building => Topic started by: Trillian on January 06, 2012, 03:37:20 PM
-
BEN found himself once again at the door at the Capital Building apartment that he and Kerr owned and Ichabod lived in. Maybe Kerr had made another change to the deed and put Ichabod's name on it as well, he really couldn't recall if such paperwork had gone through.
The last time he'd visited, Ichabod had drunk from Ben, and then quite a number of truths had been voiced. Ichabod had declared he had no interest in pursuing any sexual relationship with him, even if it meant being with Kerr too; Ben had admitted that he'd thought he'd fail Kerr when he'd pushed for Ichabod's siring; Ichabod had admitted he'd thought Ben would've failed Kerr too. Did he still believe it, though? After two years of seeing Kerr and Ben play happy families, did he still think they were doomed? Had he said as much to Kerr? Was that what had brought the comment to Kerr's lips after vising with Cain those few nights ago? There was still much to discuss, and much to confess, on Ben's part too.
He knocked on the door.
-
It took Ichabod a little longer than normal to get to the door, as when Ben knocked he’d still been in the bedroom trying to decide what to wear. The night before he’d started his part time job - stacking books in the city library - and the change had made it difficult for him to sleep when he got home. As a result he’d woken late, rushed through a shower and was now rummaging through a drawer of t-shirts trying to pick one.
Hearing the knock he settled on a maroon t-shirt with the name of his university printed across the front, simply because it was the one which had come to hand. The brunette could feel butterflies in the pit of his stomach as he padded barefoot across the apartment, pulling on the t-shirt before he opened the door to his brother. He was hoping tonight might go differently to the other nights. Maybe there wouldn’t be an argument. Maybe there wouldn’t be an inappropriate proposition, or overwhelming blood lust. Maybe they could just be two brothers having a drink and chatting about nothing much at all.
Probably not.
“Hey, come on in,” Ichabod said, not quite managing to sound as enthusiastic as he’d been hoping for, but he thought it was friendly enough, considering he would rather Ben stayed on the other side of the city.
“Um, sorry, I’m a bit… uh, I slept in a bit for some reason,” Ichabod said with a shrug, gesturing for Ben to head to the seating area and he moved to the open plan kitchen, beginning to busy himself grabbing a couple of bottles of blood to stick them in the microwave. As it began to whir Ichabod moved a little closer to the living room, shoving his hands into his jeans pockets as he watched the blonde make himself comfortable.
-
Ben was in his usual jeans and sneakers ensemble, with a polo-necked dark blue sweater instead of his usual button-up short sleeved shirt. He had to pretend he felt the cold of winter, after all. He smiled at Ichabod when the door was opened, and greeted him with 'hello' before walking in and then watching Ichabod move about while apologising. What was it with Ichabod and the constant apologies? He practically apologised for existing.
"It happens," Ben said lightly, hovering around the kitchen counter on the opposite side in order to watch what Ichabod was doing. When the microwave door shut and Ichabod turned around, Ben pushed off the counter and turned in order to make his way to the living room huddle, selecting what he felt was the seat most inviting to conversation and waiting for Ichabod to sit as well. "I've been looking forward to the Masquerade Ball," he said, as a start to their conversation. "Kerr plans on hiring a tailor to make costumes for the three of us."
It had just been something in the air for discussion, but Ben had made it firm thanks to his conversation starter.
-
Ichabod waited for Ben to take his place before seating himself in the opposite corner of the large sofa, tucking his foot up underneath his other knee and sitting sideways to face his brother better. He felt a wave of relief as the topic of conversation was directed towards the ball, not towards the threesome again as he was afraid it might have done and he visibly relaxed sideways against the back of the sofa.
“Really? A tailor? Like… to have our costumes made from scratch? This is kind of a big deal then?” Ichabod asked. He’d never been to an event like this - dressing up smartly and wandering around talking to important people wasn’t really something he enjoyed - especially since he really wasn’t anyone important and he generally tried to avoid them. He didn’t have a position in the Oligarchy, or even a job there. He was just… well, not even Kerr’s partner. A masquerade had sounded like more fun though, and there were be a lot of other people there. He was friendly with some of the workers in the Oligarchy Chambers so at least he would be able to mingle with them.
“Last time I did dressing up it was bits and bobs from a costume shop. And someone dressed in a big cardboard car…” he said with a grin as he remembered. That was years ago now though and he doubted that the masquerade was going to be anything like that night.
-
Ben had to laugh at the idea of a cardboard car outfit.
"Sounds like the kind of costume I could afford back in the day," he admitted, though likely would've been selective enough to ensure said car was a muscle car of some description.
Man he missed his Dodge Charger. Buying another car just didn't feel right.
"You should have fun. Everybody loves you, back home. I bet they're all waiting to catch up with you. Umn, Stefan says hi." He thought the mimic demon named Stefan was likely named something else, but had taken on something easier to pronounce. The Mimics still intimidated him, for he still remembered how they'd hauled him in front of the Oligarchy back when he'd been accused of being Kerr's unregistered pet. He didn't have the second memory to draw from, but he'd been told about it.
-
“Oh, right, yeah, it’ll be nice to see them. Tell him I said hi too if you see him,” Ichabod said, glancing down shyly, knowing his cheeks would have been flushing as Ben said everyone loved him, if he had had anything to drink already tonight. He knew he’d made better friends with people than Ben, but it was just habit, being nice to people, having them be nice in return. Pity it wasn’t his home any more and it might feel weird dropping in to say hello to them rather than going to see Kerr.
He lifted his gaze again though and stood up as the microwave ‘dinged’ and he headed for the kitchen to get the bottles, glancing over his shoulder at Ben.
“I haven’t really been back since I moved out. I guess I should do, to go say hello properly, rather than passing them on the way to yours,” he said, partially voicing his thoughts as he poured out the blood and returned to the sofas, passing one to Ben.
“How’s Murphy?” he asked as he sat down, cradling the warm mug in his hands. Ben had brought up their friends and Murphy was one of the people Ichabod knew Ben was friendly with, which was probably why he’d never really tried making friends with the human himself. But since Ben was mentioning people they knew, Ichabod felt he should ask in return.
-
Ben took such care with his mug of blood that it likely would've looked strange to the casual observer. Ichabod would know why.
"I think you should," Ben agreed, looking frankly at Ichabod. He'd been about to add more but then the other vampire asked after Murphy when he sat. Ben was momentarily thrown off his mental track. "Um, he's good," he said with a frown, wondering why Ichabod was displaying an interest in Murphy now when he hadn't bothered before. He returned the topic back to Ichabod's friends (and only belatedly realised the connection of asking after friends). "It's easier to keep friends than to make them," he imparted wisely, before realising that this truth he'd discovered might not be so truthful for Ichabod, who seemed to make them without trying. "For me, anyway," he added to the side, then thought he'd better shut up for a moment and think.
Damn, he was nervous, and he was a chatty nervous, which was extra unusual. He figured it was likely he'd rabbit on at Ichabod at some point tonight, and hoped whatever he said would be safely trivial instead of the bomb-dropping kind of conversation they'd had last week. Confessions had to be made tonight, however, and because he was planning it, it made him fidgety.
-
Ichboad blinked in surprise as Ben shot down his questioning about Murphy - clearly, no sharing was going to be coming about that friendship. Still, maybe there was good reason for that. Ichabod did find it easier to make friends, he guessed Ben might be a little protective over the ones he had since their numbers were fewer.
He took a sip of the blood, gazing at Ben’s silver eyes over the top of his mug as Ben tried to preach at his brother about friendship. What the Hell? Wasn’t he just saying everyone liked Ichabod? His molars pressed together tightly as he lowered his mug, but he took in a slow breath. Ben might sound disapproving and controlling, but Ichabod tried to tell himself his brother was trying to help. He was trying, in his own way.
But Ichabod had found it easier to make friends than keep them in the past. His friends from school, university, Mandy. He’d been close to all of them and where were they now? So maybe it was good advice, but Ichabod didn’t like being told it from Ben.
“Okay. Yeah, I’ll go see them,” he said, trying not to repeat himself and watching Ben warily. He wanted to try to relax, but there was a definitely tension in the air that Ichabod couldn’t pin down. And it wasn’t like Ben to hold back.
Fuck, was this because of him? Was it because he’d drunk from Ben last him? There was no way Ben would be scared of him, right? Although he had been more shook up than he’d let on last time, who could say?
“Are… you okay?” Ichabod asked, frowning slightly at the blonde, leaning sideways to put the mug on the table before wrapping his arms around his knees, his toes curling up on the sofa between them to give away his sudden nerves.
-
For a second there Ben thought he could feel anger and resentment emanating down the bloodline they'd shared, but it was gone once Ichabod spoke his agreement. Had Ben said something wrong already? It was difficult to know if he was saying the wrong thing or if Ichabod was taking him the wrong way because of their past. He hadn't meant harm. Ichabod was obviously picking up on his second-guessing and nervousness, even though they'd barely spoken past their initial greetings. Ah, such were the benefits (and disadvantages) of a blood bond.
He nodded before speaking an answer out loud. "Yes," he said firmly, hoping he didn't sound too blunt or accusing or bossy or whatever Ichabod thought he was being.
But was he okay? He could feel the tension thrumming within himself. He'd been a little wary about coming tonight, because he was planning on clearing the air between himself and Ichabod, but there was more to it than that. He'd been fine walking through the door. He'd been fine watching Ichabod warm up some blood. He'd been fine, in fact, until he'd accepted the mug.
He looked down at it now, resting on the knee of his jeans, warming a circle of skin beneath it. Three of his fingers were inside the handle, the pinky was beneath it, the thumb on top of it, keeping it safe, though he had to relax the hand holding it a little more. Not too much, lest it topple over, unbalanced. Maybe he should just put it on the coffee table. Yes, that was an idea. He leant forward and deposited the mug carefully on the coffee table, near the edge. Then he prodded it with his fingers until it was further away from the edge, just in case. He leaned back and noticed the expression on Ichabod's face.
"Oh, I already had a drink before I came over," he justified, before adding for further benefit: "And it's hot."
He wondered if Ichabod would think the last comment was Ben having a go at him for making it too hot, and had to close his eyes for a moment to calm himself down.
-
Ichabod watched his brother carefully as the blonde placed the mug ever so cautiously onto the coffee table, his own body tensing up more with every second. He was treating it as though it was made of glass. Last time had been an accident, a complete accident, and he’d just got… carried away. He hadn’t really had much to drink and… Shit.
“Okay,” Ichabod said softly as Ben made up terrible excuses for putting down his mug. Ben had been a vampire for a couple of years longer, but Ichabod had no doubt that he was still hungry. The raving never faded. When there was warm blood in front of you, you wanted it. Hot or not. And the blood wasn’t too hot. Ichabod had tasted his own and it was fine.
“Maybe we should go out. Like, for a walk around the block. Or to the park. Whatever,” Ichabod suggested with a shrug, watching Ben as though he thought he might collapse in tears at any second. Maybe Kerr hadn’t told him everything. He’d known Ben had been shook up, but… this was Ben. He didn’t care about stuff like this. He was a rock. Or apparently not.
-
Ben was grateful that Ichabod was letting him get away with his peculiar actions. Both of them knew that he was remembering last week, and he appreciated Ichabod's caring nature now that he was finally at the receiving end of it. It was just a small thing, to not point out or ask why Ben was doing what he was doing, but it was enough.
The suggestion to go out surprised him. His eyebrows raised, he considered what a walk would do for them.
"Yeh, sounds good." He stood up when Ichabod did, but took a moment to collect his mug of blood and gulped it down, while standing. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand and inspected it for blood but there was none, then moved to the kitchen in order to rinse it out before checking how full the dishwasher was. When he saw it was empty, he left the mug in the sink, figuring Ichabod might want to wash the mugs by hand.
-
“Cool, ok,” Ichabod said with a nod. He hadn’t really planned on going out and had no idea where they would head, but it had to be better than being sat here freaking each other out. Leaving his mug on the table Ichabod headed back to his bedroom, pulling on some socks and shoes whilst balancing on one foot rather than wasting time sitting down and grabbed his wallet, just in case.
After returning to the living room Ichabod finished his blood to and dumped the cup where Ben had - he could wash them out later - before picking up his keys from the bowl near the front door. The small book Ben had got him for his key ring wasn’t attached, but it was in the bowl. He had been pissed at Ben when he’d removed it, but hadn’t been able to bring himself to get rid of it when Kerr had refused to take it back to his brother. After all, it was a tiny work of art and Ichabod did appreciate that Ben was trying. But it was difficult for both of them and things just seemed to get worse the harder they tried. Things could always change though.
“I found a good book at the library the other day, a sort of history of the city, but, like, before it was a proper city. All sorts of weird things crop up in it, but the author just sorts of skims past them as though they’re nothing unusual or nothing to be questioned. No real explanations,” Ichabod said, knowing he was rambling as he pulled the door shut behind them and there was the wait for the lift. It came quite fast, but Ichabod had fel the need to fill the silence and try to move on from the awkwardness of Ben’s fear.
Ichabod hated when Ben bossed him around, acted all high and mighty, but in a way this was worse. This made Ichabod feel like he was the bad guy and he couldn’t stand it.
-
"Oh," Ben said thoughtfully in response, thinking to himself that he hadn't bothered looking up the origins of this city because he'd been so interested in pouring over the vampire history, extending to demons and fae. He was quiet for a moment, watching as Ichabod shut the door and the pair of them moved to wait for the lift once it was summoned. "I wonder if the Chambers Library has more on it, like a supernatural version."
He took a moment to look at Ichabod instead of at the steel doors before them.
"I haven't seen you there since you moved out," he said, and it had been the one thing they'd got on together with, during the two years they'd lived with one another. They'd both used the library, appreciating its source of vast knowledge, while Kerr mostly ignored it. They'd shared information on things they'd found of interest, and had at least bonded on that level. "Do you still go?"
-
“Probably, I bet they would fill in the gaps in each other well,” Ichabod said with a small smile, keeping his gaze on the doors before them.
He lightly bit on his lower lip as Ben asked if he’d been to the Chambers Library, feeling his brother’s icy gaze on him but not returning it.
“No,” he said softly, relieved that the doors chose that moment to opened with a soft ‘ding’ and he moved swiftly inside, pressing himself into one of he corners, folding his arms across his chest as he gave a small shrug.
“The city library is closer, and I’ve been studying and stuff, not had much time for looking up the kind of stuff they have in there. The public one’s more helpful for what I’m doing now,” he explained, not quite meeting Ben’s gaze as he spoke and not mentioning the other reasons. He’d left because he and Ben couldn’t get on most of the time. And he’d been pissed off when the blonde had started showing up here, invading his space when Ichabod had been the one who had to leave. So he would be a hypocrite if he did it the other way around, showing up at the Oligarchy Library where he knew Ben spent a lot of his time.
-
Ben was quiet, reading successfully between the lines. He didn't know the details, of Ichabod fearful of hypocrisy, but he figured it had to do with his being there. He entered the elevator after Ichabod, and as Ichabod chose a corner to hide in, Ben chose one of the walls to flatten himself against, as opposite Ichabod as possible.
"I miss it," he confessed, and this would be the first of many, but at least this one was easy enough. "I miss finding stuff at the library and showing it to you, or having you find something and bringing it to me."
It had been like Switzerland. There had been no fighting, no grudges brought up or snide remarks made. They both respected the library and they'd both behaved well with one another while in it. It was a big reason why Ben believed they could be friends, in time.
-
Ichabod raised an eyebrow slightly at Ben’s admission, opening his mouth to speak but then shutting it abruptly, not sure what to say to that. He actually missed having him there? Ichabod couldn’t help but give a small smile, the blood he’d just drunk rushing straight to his cheeks.
“I always thought I was bugging you when I’d show you stuff or ask you stuff. . But I wanted to tell someone,” Ichabod replied finally. “Well, not always. I mean, yeah, I miss it too sometimes,” Ichabod said, nudging the toe of his sneaker against the floor of the lift gently. Even when he’d felt like he might be disturbing his brother, Ben had seemed different in the library, more patient almost.
-
Ben grinned back, pleased that he'd said the right thing and received a positive response. The smile changed his whole face, considering Ichabod usually saw expressions that were unreadable, disdainful, frowning or downright surly. The lift was rapid enough to deliver them to the ground floor before Ben had any real time to reply. It bonged to announce their arrival, and Ben pushed off the wall in order to enter the foyer.
"You know, it's weird coming here again, because it's so familiar. It feels like a second home," he commented.
-
"Yeah? Well... I dunno, it feels different to how I thought it would," Ichabod said as he followed Ben out of the lift, strolling with him to the main entrance. "Like, I lived here with Kerr, but it feels different now. Ash is upstairs, but it's kind of... lonely. I can feel Kerr's not too far, but..." his voice trailed off as the fledgling gave a shrug. He missed waking up and feeling Kerr was only in the next room.
"I guess I'll get used to it though. It's like being home sick." but he'd never felt this bad leaving his parents. He took in a deep breath of the cold air, running a hand through his messy hair as he glanced sideways at Ben. He didn't know why he was suddenly saying this, but his brother had admitted something, Ichabod felt he should reciprocate.
"never mind, I'm rambling," he said softly as they wandered along.
-
Ben was attentive as Ichabod spoke, but shook his head as the last comment came out.
"No, you're not," he said, wanting to say more but hesitating as they drew closer to the doors and the doorman saw them coming and opening it for them. He thanked him and they turned in unison, heading southward, towards a lot of the city's attractions, including Pisky Memorial Park. He continued after a few more steps were taken away from the apartment building.
"It's the fledgling/sire bond," he said. "It enhances every emotion you feel when you're away from your sire. It's what I felt in New York. The further away you are from your sire, the more... dramatic... everything seems to be. Kerr's a calming presence." He mused his own words, then thought best if he confirmed what he was saying with Ichabod. "Well, that's how I feel. Maybe it's different for different fledges? I'd think the blood bond we share would make us the same, but your connection with Kerr is twice as strong as mine."
He'd said it matter-of-factly, but a pang of jealousy hit his heart all the same. He didn't remember his siring, but he knew he had two sires, and his other one was far away at the moment, but there was still that tiny tugging. He had a bond with a vampire he didn't even know what he looked like. It was unusual, to say the least.
-
“I don’t know how you could have stood going that far from him. How some fledglings just don’t ever see their sires or live anywhere near them,” Ichabod said, a frown on his face as he stared at the pavement in front of them rather than paying attention to where they were going. He kept thinking he was doing so well, that he could do this, living away from Kerr for as long as it took. But then when he thought about it and sometimes when he was alone with no distractions he was miserable. It came and went though. Maybe with Kerr’s moods as well. It was hard to know.
“I know you had your reasons,” he added after a second, before they started going around in those circles again, but he couldn’t help himself from commenting as Ben compared their blood bonds. “That connection, sure, maybe, but he’s in love with you,” Ichabod said, halting his step for a second to look at Ben properly, before carrying on walking.
“We shouldn’t talk about this stuff.”
-
Ben hadn't taken Ichabod's musing as criticism, for the nature of their conversation felt light. When Ichabod spoke of love, however, he glanced over at him, and wondered if it had been this short motion that had caused Ichabod to instinctively clam up and declare the subject taboo. Ben considered responding to it anyway, and what kind of fallout there would be. He was hoping now that they'd begun speaking candidly - and Ben kept his reply positive - that Ichabod wouldn't be sore at him for continuing this line of chatter.
"He loves you too, very much," Ben insisted. "People fall in and out of love all the time. You might get your turn yet. I don't think there'll be a finality to our relationship if that happens," he continued, though speaking more to himself than to the other vampire beside him. "I think the kind of love he has for the both of us runs deeper than... sexual love."
He'd hesitated because he hadn't known what to classify the 'in love' part. It was more than sexual love, he knew, but he hadn't wanted to say 'relationship love' because it was all relationship based love.
Mentioning the word 'sex' also brought up to the forefront of Ben's mind a confession he'd wanted to make.
"Sorry about pushing you about the threesome thing, too," he said as they were walking down the street, and Ben chose to ignore the sudden turning of a passerby's head as she overheard that part of their conversation, while walking the other way. "I didn't really think it through. I can get an idea and be a bit... single-minded about it."
-
“I know he does,” Ichabod put in at the declaration that Kerr loved him. Of course he did. He felt it, but he also knew how different it was to what Ben and Kerr had. And so maybe, in time, Kerr would fall in love with him properly… but why should he? Just to replace Ben? Yes, Ichabod wanted to be there for him then, if that ever happened, but Kerr’s feelings for him wouldn’t automatically change and they’d been this close for so long, maybe they never would.
The fledgling’s cheeks flushed slightly as Ben brought up the threesome again and he folded his arms across his chest as he gave a shrug. To be honest he wasn’t surprised Ben had brought it up, he’d been expecting him to tonight sometime, but he hadn’t thought it would be accompanied by an apology.
“Yeah, you do, but it… it’s fine. Thanks… for apologising,” he said looking across at his brother, wanting the blonde to know he did appreciate that. “Just… what I don’t get is why you wanted to. Kerr said you wanted us all to be together before you let me and him be together, but… I dunno, if I was saying someone I loved could go sleep with anyone else, I wouldn’t want to be a part of it.”
-
Ben considered Ichabod's words, for they made sense, but the other fledge didn't have the same history as Ben and Kerr, along with the same problems.
"I know that Kerr and I had the most trouble when there were secrets kept between us," he told Ichabod, and was fairly sure Ichabod had probably known this, just that it wasn't present at the forefront of his mind. Why would it be? It didn't affect him. "So it makes sense that there shouldn't be any more."
Even though thinking about Kerr with Cain had made Ben uncomfortable, he'd still made sure Kerr told him about it (and it had just been a charged drinking session, after all, though Ben knew there would eventually be more), and it hadn't created as much jealousy as Ben thought it might. Talking about it had inspired them to spend the night together playing around, in fact, instead of going out like they'd planned (even though it had been raining).
-
“I know that, and I’m not talking about keeping secrets, or not talking about it… but you were talking about taking part. That’s different,” Ichabod said with a frown, trying to understand and wishing he could. He tried to see things from Ben’s point of view, but then at times the blonde just behaved in ways that flew right over Ichabod’s head and it felt like a hopeless case. It was one thing, asking that Kerr come home and tell him what happened, that they had slept together, how many times, wherever details he needed - but it was like Ben wanted to actually be able to picture it, which Ichabod would never want to do. He’d found it difficult enough feeling it when they had been close by - although he’d found out how to deal with that after a bit of time.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to push it, I just… I want to get it, what you were thinking,” he said hesitantly.
-
Ben was quiet as Ichabod sounded himself out, and there it was again, another apology. Ichabod sure did seem to enjoy saying sorry. Ben thought it wise not to point this fact out, for he'd done so in the past with disastrous results, even when he'd thought he was being helpful.
"Because it would be a shared experience," he explained, "one that was supposed to bring the three of us together. It wasn't about not keeping a secret from Kerr or him from me, it was about giving us something together." He gestured between the two of them, just in case Ichabod didn't know who 'us' was, which was possible, considering Ben had an 'us' with Kerr and himself. "It was supposed to make you feel like I wouldn't be able to... to make you feel bullied."
He paused for a moment, but didn't take too long, because there was something else.
"I was really after it being just you and me, but you seemed a bit tense about that, which was why I threw Kerr in there."
And there it was.
-
Ichabod stopped dead in his tracks, watching his brother with disbelief. Was he serious? That was his grand master plan? Ben was intelligent, beautiful and for some reason Kerr loved him, but he really had no clue sometimes.
Kerr had been all excited about it. Ichabod had felt like if he didn’t fuck them both together then everything would fall apart. If they couldn’t make up it would be his fault. He’d felt pressured into doing it so much, but had somehow managed to say no, but if he had said yes, it wouldn’t have felt like his choice at all. And it had been supposed to make him feel like he wasn’t being bullied?
Maybe Ben really had meant well, but he had no idea about Ichabod at all. The younger vampire shook his head slightly, glancing down at the floor and running a hand through his hair. He wanted to scream and shout and try to make Ben understand, but it wouldn’t work. And Kerr wouldn’t understand, he’d think Ichabod was overreacting to something nice Ben was trying to do.
“Okay. Right, well… that’s done with now. It’s not going to happen,” Ichabod said with a firm nod as he lifted his gaze once more, trying to make his face as expressionless as Ben managed to but failing with a tight lipped smile and shining eyes. He started walking again at a more brisk pace now, still headed in the direction of the park although he had no real destination in mind.
-
Ben was already nodding, sensing the growing emotion rising up in Ichabod through their shared bloodline, and also because he was trying to gauge how the other was taking it. He'd figured Ichabod would freak out, so was rather impressed at how his fledge brother had kept it all within him.
Ben was beginning to rub off on him after all.
"Yeh, I agree, it was a bad idea," he said, wanting Ichabod to know that he'd changed his opinion. He wasn't thinking the same way as Ichabod, but it was enough that the end result was similar. He still thought that if they went another hundred years or so, they might do it after all. Hell, even ten. Or five. Ben hadn't quite been a vampire for five years yet, it wasn't like he'd been able to predict that.
"While we're talking about Kerr-"
They weren't, really, but he'd said it that way so there was no going back.
"-did you tell him what we last spoke about?" he was doing his best to keep his voice light and casual, but it sounded fake to his own ears. Only because he was his own worst critic and knew what he was trying to get at. "I mean, did you tell him that I'd thought I would fail him, when I asked him to sire you?"
Did you tell him you think I'll fail him still?
Because he was being so omentally open with Ichabod, he wondered if that stray thought slipped through.
-
“Yes,” Ichabod said bluntly, glancing sideways at Ben, the annoyance in his eyes fading into a more wary look. “But… not that you thought you would, that you might,” he added in correction. If Ben was so set on not keeping secrets between him and Kerr then why did it matter? But at least it wasn’t just hmi running off to tell the other about what had been said. Ben would go home, tell Kerr his side of tonight, then Ichabod would have his chance tomorrow, then Kerr could go tell Ben what he’d said and it was all just turning into a pointless circle.
He caught the stray thought and his frown returned.
“What? No,” Did I? Not in those words, I said I would wait for him, but not for you to fuck up, for you to say we could be together maybe sometime, after the threesome that wasn’t.
Ichabod suddenly didn’t know exactly what he’d said, what Kerr had said, whether his words could have been taken different ways. Misunderstandings seemed to be more than common in this three-way conversation.
But Ben had been willing to fuck Ichabod to keep them getting along. How could someone who thought like that not end up hurting the person he loved? Yes, he thought Ben would fail, get fed up, leave, betray Kerr somehow. But he hadn’t said that to Kerr, had he? Not last week.
-
Ben caught the denial immediately after Ichabod's spoken words, but not the thoughts Ichabod had of him after that. He took them at face value, unaware of how little Ichabod thought of him because of the extent he'd been willing to go to in order to have them bond together. It had been a bad idea of course, and Kerr had caught his excitement about it like a contagion, but after feeling how he had when giving Kerr the okay to sleep with Cain... it was hard to know how he would've felt. Easy in theory, difficult in practise.
"I can't give permission to him now," he admitted. "Not with you. He loves you too much. I... I'm not secure in myself to allow the two of you that."
That he might see you're a better
Matching you two up would be
Not ideal for both of you to grow your relationship
"Ugh," he said, and shook his head to rid himself of the mental torture he was putting himself through. "Doubts. Doubts and insecurity and... I don't know how you live with them on your surface. It'd be like being buffeted by a strong wind."
He hadn't even thought to himself how something like that might sound to Ichabod.
-
Ichabod felt his cheeks flush as Ben spoke, unsure of what the blonde meant, but it didn’t sound good. It sounded like Ben was thinking him weak for showing his emotions, but Ichabod was trying not to leap to that conclusion.
He thought he knew why Ben didn’t want Kerr to sleep with him - he wouldn’t want his lover sleeping with anyone else and hated the thought of Ben and Kerr together. But his reasoning wasn’t the same as Ben’s - which was why he didn’t understand why Ben would let Kerr sleep with humans or strangers, but not with him. Especially if he was so insecure.
He hesitated for a moment before speaking again, feeling like he shouldn’t but unable to help himself.
“Doubts about… what? You love each other. What’s wrong?” he asked, knowing he shouldn’t be the person Ben talked to about this. As much as he wanted Kerr to be happy, the selfish part of him was screaming out that it should be with him. If Ben was having doubts… surely it wasn’t about the relationship? That was just Ichabod putting his own desires into the picture. And if Ben did blurt out something along those lines, unlikely as it was, Ichabod wouldn’t want to keep them to himself tomorrow night.
-
"Nobody likes me, Ichabod," he said, not exactly telling the other what he didn't know, for he'd lived two years with them at the Chambers and everyone had been friendly with him and likely imparted their backstabbing wisdom about Ben himself. He pretended it didn't bother him, but it did. Every now and then he'd ask Kerr what was wrong with him and Kerr would soothe and not understand, or worse, tell him that he could try and care a little more about others. Caring about strangers was beyond him. Trying to get to know them was more difficult, especially when they were suspicious of his motives. He had Murphy, and was willing to cling to that friendship through almost any storm in order to keep it. But there was nobody else. Just Kerr and Murphy. "You moved away from Kerr just to get away from me. I never even had friends when I was human, so... " he should his head, unable to speak more on the matter because he could feel a lump of emotion sitting on his chest like a weight and something beginning to clog his throat. If he spoke any more his voice would waver.
He didn't want that.
-
Ichabod gave a small sigh, running a hand through his hair, wishing he knew how to answer. Ben was right, people didn’t like him. They hadn’t been afraid to tell Ichabod that when they’d realised the two fledglings weren’t exactly full of brotherly love, but when they did talk about it Ichabod had tried to change the subject quickly. He liked a lot of the people at the Chambers, but didn’t like gossip, especially not when it hit so close to home. And he’d known it would hurt Kerr if their sire realised how little Ben was liked.
Ben wouldn’t want his pity, Ichabod was sure of that, but it was visible in his dark eyes as his gazze drifted over the blonde. People had tried. They had tried hard to get the Luminary’s lover to like them, but when it had become obvious Ben wasn’t going to try in return they’d given up and left him to it.
He had no idea what Ben did want, or why he was saying this now. It hadn’t seemed to bother him for the past two years, so why did he suddenly care so much? And what did he expect Ichabod to do about it?
Ichabod didn’t ask that though, tempting as it was. Instead he stepped a little closer to Ben, putting out a hand to touch his brother’s arm, giving a gentle squeeze if the blonde didn’t pull away. They may not get along, but they were connected and despite their arguments, Ichabod didn’t want to see him hurting.
“You do have your good moments, Ben. Is this why you keep coming? Not just for Kerr?” he asked softly. He’d always felt a bit like a chore, like Ben thought Kerr wanted them to get along so he would try regularly. But maybe there was more to it.
-
The touch on his arm had felt forced, artificial. It felt like Ichabod was trying too hard to be nice to him. He was going to overlook it, because trying too hard was a lot better than not caring to bother with him at all.
He sighed. "My motivation for coming is for Kerr. I'd be lying if I said otherwise." He shrugged. "But bickering with you isn't fun, and I'm tired of everyone thinking I'm self-centred. If we can be friends, proper friends, maybe you won't think everything I say is an attack."
They were approaching a corner that different turns would lead them different ways. West into the older part of the city, south towards the park and the museum and gallery, north to Risk.
-
Ichabod pressed his lips together, pursing them slightly as he watched Ben, trying to make him out, but it was so difficult for Ichabod.
“Maybe it would be easier for us to be friends if you actually wanted to be friends with me. Rather than you thinking you should be,” he said softly. The blonde was here for Kerr, that was the only reason. If Kerr didn’t link them, Ben wouldn’t be here forcing himself into something he wasn’t comfortable with.
“Let’s go to Risk. Get something to drink,” he added a moment later, setting off in that direction before the blonde had a chance to reply but then falling silent so Ben could respond.
-
The silence continued for a while, for Ben held his tongue instead of pointing out that Ichabod had mentioned the park when they'd left, not going to Risk. He didn't think going to such a place would be good for them at this stage, but it was Ichabod's walk and if he wanted to go there, Ben wasn't going to argue. It was best he didn't argue anyway. On the other hand it was nice to see Ichabod taking charge.
"You don't make it easy for me," Ben said finally, after a lot of thinking about whether or not to go down this path. Accusations were never good to avoid arguments with, but Ichabod had just been told that Ben wouldn't be here if not for Kerr. "Even you wouldn't try and be friends with someone if they were openly uninterested."
-
Ichabod kept his dark eyes fixed ahead as they walked. He didn‘t know why he suddenly wanted to go to Risk, but somewhere where they could be distracted from this conversation was sounding appealing. He was fed up of Ben making this his fault. He and Ben had nothing in common apart from their love of books, and they both loved the same man. They were never going to be best buds but Ben just wouldn‘t leave it. Yes, it would be nice for Kerr if they could get along, but they could be civil, like they were being tonight. And maybe in a decade or so when they‘d both grown up a bit they would be able to get along better, but right now it wasn‘t working.
“You’re right, I wouldn’t. I would accept we weren’t supposed to be friends and leave them alone,” he replied after a few seconds. “And you haven’t exactly made it easy for me all this time. You’re always picking, criticising. When you’re trying to teach me, you treat me like an idiot. You make snide comments and give me that look, like I’m below you. You tell Kerr he can fuck anyone as long as it’s not me. And then you want us to literally kiss and make up.”
Ichabod hadn’t meant to suddenly go on a rant, but it was pouring out before he could stop it and when he finally did he pressed his lips together tightly as though trying to stop anything else from coming out and making everything worse.
-
He'd let Ichabod finish what he'd wanted to say, but once he realised no more was coming, he was quick to respond.
"I don't treat you like an idiot when I'm teaching you something," Ben argued, hoping that his softly spoken contradiction wouldn't be the start to another squabble between them. "And I'm not giving you that look, it's just my face." He puffed out air of frustration before continuing, not wanting Ichabod to find a spot in which to argue. "My criticism was supposed to be constructive, not to pick on you. When you accuse me of being shitty to you when I'm trying to be nice, can't you see how I get frustrated? I mean, we have the same arguments over and over, and it's because neither of us can be bothered to see the other's point of view. I just want to start fresh, and I knew you couldn't be fucked for my sake, and it's starting to look like you couldn't be fucked even for Kerr's sake."
He'd started out calmly but he'd finished angry; the swearing had proved it, for Ben normally didn't use profanity. He'd stopped walking and was glaring at a spot on the pavement, not wanting to glare at Ichabod and expecting an argument to swamp over the both of them again, leaving them hollow in the deluge.
"I don't have the answers," he told his shoes, and that might be all he was speaking to if Ichabod had continued walking and thinking good riddance. "I just don't want to hurt Kerr anymore. This is hurting him. Us."
-
When Ben stopped Ichabod did too, a couple of steps in front of him and the younger fledgling turned to face Ben, folding his arms across his chest as he listened to the blonde getting worked up as well. This was how it always ended, accusations, misunderstandings and Ben making out if Ichabod cared more abut Kerr he would try harder. It was because of Kerr he tried at all.
“You think I don’t know that? You think I need to be told that over and over again, by you and by him, every single time we bicker? We were doing fine tonight, just fine, talking, getting along and then you start accusing me of stuff and you’re so surprised when I react badly. You know exactly how I will react to that,” Ichabod said, stepping closer to Ben so even if the blonde didn’t look up the brunette’s sneakers might be in his line of sight.
“And it’s not just your face. You can be nice. You were nice earlier, and you are to Kerr, to Murphy, so don’t give me that bullshit about people not liking you because you can’t be bothered to try with them,” he added in a sharp tone.
-
Ben considered Ichabod's argument for a moment and finally had to concede.
"Yeh, you're right. I don't set out trying to push your buttons, though," he felt he had to explain. "I know it's me, not you. And I painted it too bleak before, I would like to be friends with you. I mean, who doesn't want friends, right?"
He gave Ichabod an even stare, trying to remain impassive while his heart clenched in his chest, hoping he wouldn't be rejected.
-
It took a lot of effort not to scoff in disbelief that Ben didn’t try to work him up. He knew exactly what annoyed the younger fledgling and still did it almost every time they were together. He managed to stop himself though, knowing it would only make things worse.
Ben had already admitted, he didn’t really want to be friends with Ichabod - yes, maybe he was lonely and didn’t enjoy having people dislike him, but if it wasn’t for Kerr he wouldn’t be here now. He wouldn’t choose Ichabod first of the people he could be friends with if he had another choice.
But they did have Kerr to bond them and this was his choice. And although ben got on his nerves and made him feel uncomfortable at times, Ichabod didn’t have it in him to completely reject someone who clearly needed help.
“Fine, sure, friends. We’ll just… start over,” again/.
He shuffled his feet slightly against the floor, trying to decide what they should do next - Risk rarely ended with them in a good mood with one another so maybe it wouldn’t be the best spot for them. But then again where did usually end well for them?
“You… wanna go to the library?”
-
"Risk was a good idea, don't get me wrong, we both need our drinks," he said hurriedly, pleased that Ichabod had allowed him this fall from favour without too large a consequence. He could feel the tension thrumming between them, and it wasn't like he was oblivious to Ichabod's body language and set jaw either. After two years of living in each other's pockets, he had a pretty good idea of how his brother was feeling even without the bond to make it apparent. "But the library might be better for us... for now," he said, not realising he was mirroring Ichabod's thoughts.
The relief of not ending up in another argument after saying what he'd said was so overwhelming that he couldn't help but beam at Ichabod. He knew the other vampire was trying as hard as he was. If he hadn't known before, he knew now.
-
Ichabod had been about to turn and carry on walking, but Ben back and forthing was making him doubt where would be best to go. The library, definitely more neutral ground, but maybe they would be less grouchy if they drank more first. He’d never been great at making decisions and Ben trying to force him into taking control hadn’t been fun.
He gazed silently at Ben for a moment, somewhat taken aback by the seemingly genuine smile he was getting. He so rarely managed to get a look like that from his brother, but it was nice, reassuring.
“Library it is then,” he said, grasping on Ben’s last comment and tilting his head in the direction they were to head in, starting to walk again, but going slowly at first for Ben to catch up the couple of steps.
“I started work. There. At the library. Last night,” Ichabod said hesitantly. He’d wanted to tell Kerr first, but since they were headed there he thought he might as well tell Ben. “Just part time, stacking books and stuff,” he said with a shrug. It wasn’t great pay, but he had Kerr’s credit card and didn’t need to buy much. It was more for something to do, a reason to socialise. Despite Ben’s belief in his great ability to make friends, Ichabod hadn’t made much effort to do so since leaving the Chambers, apart from with Ash.
-
"Hey, that's good," Ben said with a smile, though of less calibre than the one he'd thrown at Ichabod (which would've been an effort to maintain, and likely would've presented him as insincere anyway). He settled into the rhythm of Ichabod's walk and stuck his hands into the pockets of his jeans in order to give them something to do. "It was the kind of job I looked at when I left school but I needed to have graduated," he explained, pulling his hands out of his pockets because he'd forgotten he'd put them in there to keep them out of the way. He only remembered once they were out and was now feeling weird about them while he walked, like he was swinging them too much, or too little.
For something else to say, he added: "The modelling offers are still coming in, so I'm just choosing the low key ones."
He didn't want his face everywhere.
-
“Cool,” Ichabod said with a nod as Ben mentioned his modelling. He could understand why Ben was going for the low key options - he never seemed terribly pleased when people recognised him from magazines. And Ben was stunning and eye catching enough that people did notice him and would do even if he didn’t model. Ichabod may have more friends, but Ben was more well known, more recognisable, and really Ichabod was grateful for that. He didn’t like attention just for being Kerr’s fledgling.
“Why don’t you graduate? It’s not like you’re not smart enough and you have time to do the work,” Ichabod asked, falling back on Ben’s previous comment since he didn’t really know what else to say about his brother’s modelling career.
-
Ben shook his head and wasn't going to elaborate, but rethought himself. Here was where the problem lay; he didn't talk to Ichabod about his thoughts, only Kerr ever got to hear why he made a decision this way or that, and only because he went to the trouble of extracting it from him in the form of more questions. The only time Ben really talked about something was when he was interested in the subject, and he was always self-conscious talking about himself, worrying that he might be bragging or would be accused of being self-centred. He was being thought of as self-centred now, at the Chambers, though he didn't talk about himself to others at all. He didn't understand it in the slightest.
"There's no point getting it now. The only education I'm interested in is the kind of research I'm doing now, in the library. The only learning that makes sense to me is travelling the world and experiencing the customs. I wouldn't mind going to university to study history, but it's the kind of class you can just pay for. I don't need my high school certification unless I'm going for a degree in something." He shrugged. "Unless someone starts up a school for vampire powers, I don't think I'll be signing up."
He mused on that for a moment - learning vampire related skills with other fledglings. Perhaps it was something the Oligarchy could set up for fledges without sires (or with young sires). But who would want to teach them?
-
“Ok,” Ichabod said quietly, frowning slightly at the floor as they walked. When he’d left university to come back to the city and be sired he hadn’t thought he would go back, not really. After all, it was just a bit of paper. But what else had he done in the past two years? Caused Kerr trouble and grief. Learnt some vampiric skills, but they would get better with time, not just effort. And the Oligarchy library would always be there. Ben had a career, he had Kerr. He didn’t need to prove himself.
But Ichabod thought there was a point in getting it. It was like a rite of passage, graduating high school, getting a degree. He wasn’t going to get to do a lot of stuff, but that he could do. Something he could be proud of achieving.
“Where do you want to travel first? Got a trip in mind yet?” he asked, shoving his hands into his pockets. Ichabod had never really been anywhere, definitely not abroad. It would be brilliant, but he wouldn’t want to go alone. And if Kerr and Ben went he didn’t really know if he’d want to go as well. It would feel a little like crashing a honeymoon.
-
Ben didn't know whether to speak of his and Kerr's plans to go to Austria. He wouldn't mind if Ichabod came along, for they had similar interests in what they would like to see, while Kerr had seen it all before and would be more interested in scouring shops for antique items than looking at tourist icons and revisiting museums. He also didn't know if Kerr had more of a romantic holiday with him in mind.
"I've been thinking about Austria, lately," Ben said after a short moment, figuring it was best to leave Kerr out of the equation. "I think I'd like to see only a few countries at a time, in detail, rather than mashing them all in together in one big adventure."
He wondered if Ichabod would agree with him, or if he liked the idea of packing everything into one exciting bundle.
-
Ichabod smiled at the idea of going to Europe - and that Ben had given a proper answer rather than something too vague. He knew Ben didn’t usually like talking about himself, so it was nice that the blonde was trying.
“Austria would be cool, lots to see. And you’re right, like, about the whole spreading it out. I mean, it’s not like we need to… you need to rush and get it all in at once,” he said, correctly himself half way through. He didn’t want to invite himself along on any trips - he and Ben may be trying, but Ichabod doubted Ben would want the close quarters than he imagined would come with a foreign holiday. Of course, whenever Ichabod had gone on a trip is had been on a very tight budget, no doubt Kerr could find bigger places to stay in.
“I always thought Italy would be pretty cool. Some people think it’s just a load of old ruins, but they’re gorgeous. From the pictures I’ve seen anyway, and movies and stuff. What in particular made you think of Austria?” Ichabod said, speaking quickly to try to cover up his previous slip up.
-
Ben noticed the 'we' change, mostly because Ichabod had corrected himself. It was possible he might not have noticed the use of the word 'we', or even if he had, interpreted it differently. He glanced over at Ichabod at the change, but looked back ahead almost immediately, and supposed that his brother might have noticed this movement just like he'd noticed the correction.
They were still tiptoeing around each other, and he figured they would for a long while yet. Maybe a holiday together would be good for them, though he wasn't terribly sure about inviting Ichabod to Austria.
"I love the idea of Italy," he said, grateful that Ichabod had given him something else to comment on. "And Greece too, mostly for the old ruins," he said wryly. "I think people who say things like that are ignorant."
He shrugged when asked about Austria, but had the answer available readily regardless.
"I saw a documentary about it. One of those travel kind of shows, though it wasn't one of the touristy ones, you know?" He wished he remembered what the television show had been called. "It appealed." He gave Ichabod a smile then, looking over at him to do it, liking the fact this conversation (though with a hiccup or two) was mostly easy and certainly interesting to them both.
-
“Yeah, in places like that there’s always the things all the tourists do, but then there’s so much other stuff. I mean, I’d love to do the tourist thing, but then I’d want to stay longer and see what the locals do, see what kind of things they think are the most interesting. I bet most tourists just forget about them,” Ichabod said, glancing towards Ben when he felt the other’s eyes on him and returning the smile with a genuine one of his own. It was nice to be able to just chat about nothing - rather than the in depth serious discussions which usually ended in an argument between them.
“At least all those sunshine holidays have been taken off the list to make the choices of places to go a bit easier. I mean, it’s not like we’ll be wanting to go on a beach holiday to get a tan,” he said, lifting his hand as he spoke to eye up the colour of his skin. It had taken a while for his tan to fade, but it was gradually going. He’d been darker than Ben to start with, he knew that, although he could only remember little bits of their first meeting, the night Ben had been turned.
-
Ben nodded along as Ichabod continued the conversation in the same vein. They were like-minded when it came to holidaying. So... libraries and holidays. Two safe topics.
"Yes," Ben agreed about the 'sunshine holidays', liking the phrase. "I never wanted to go on those anyway. Lying around on a towel is overrated." He'd never seen the appeal of it when he'd been mortal, and wasn't about to change his mind now that the option was gone. "I want to learn how to ski, though. Proper skiing, not snowboarding," he said further. "I don't know if any ski places operate at night," he added thoughtfully, though he was sure with all the European vampires around, some of them had to cater to their nightly folk. They were the ones with all the money, after all.
-
“It’s more fun swimming in the sea than in a pool though, that’s one good thing about the beach holidays,” Ichabod said with a smile. He’d usually get bored lying around and want to go do things whilst others just wanted to get brown.
“Oh yeah, that sounds brilliant, I’ve never been. I always thought I’d break something,” Ichabod said with a grin. Snowboarding sounded like more fun to him, but there was no point bringing up just another difference between them. Ichabod could imaging Kerr more easily on skis rather than a snowboard too. He’d never been, not just because of the injury factor, but also because skiing holidays were stupidly expensive when you factored in all of the equipment you needed, but breaking bones and paying for things were no longer the issues they had been when they’d been human.
“I’m sure Kerr knows somewhere, loads of places. Special bookings and stuff for vampires,” he said, beaming at the idea. “When I was younger, I used to play hockey and they tried to get me to try out of the ice hockey team because it‘s, like, more popular, but I look like Bambi on the ice, I swear. It must have been hilarious to watch.”
-
He waited until Ichabod finished speaking about everything before replying, letting their conversation catch up. He mulled over what Ichabod had said, and because he knew nothing about hockey, he decided to skip that topic. He didn't know much about sports in general.
"I've only swum in the ocean twice," Ben replied. There was no excuse for it, not when there was a beach on the city's perimeter. He'd been to the boardwalk a lot, and had even walked along the shore, but swimming? He figured Ichabod was likely to gasp and exclaim over this fact, like everybody did when he imparted this information. His friends at school had thought he was lying (because he'd told them he'd only gone in the ocean once, when he was seven or so), and then insisted on taking him to the beach. Their plans had fallen through because every weekend they'd attempted, the weather had been blustering and rainy. Then there was the trip to Mexico to plan and catch their attention, and then Ben had left home and left school to get a job and that was that.
He simply preferred indoors to out.
-
The two young fledglings strolled through the streets together, chatting about nothing much, occasionally biting their tongue when the situation called for it, but generally managing to have civil, even good natured conversation.
They made their way to the library, their neutral ground and spent a comfortable couple of hours together before parting ways, Ben going back to Kerr and Ichabod back to his apartment alone. But he would see Kerr the next night, and this time there wouldn’t be the usual arguments, Kerr being the unwilling mediator. Maybe things would just keep getting better. It could happen.