Roleplay City
Infusco => INFUSCO: Enter The Shadows => The Luminary => Topic started by: Existentially Odd on September 30, 2019, 07:53:21 PM
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Kerr opened his eyes to a face full of Ben's hair, as he did on the cusp of every new night. He'd done it for years, always awakening before his young fledgeling to find them both on their sides, Kerr's arm curled around Ben's waist, bodies fitted snugly together and their legs entwined to varying degrees. Tonight, his knees were offset behind Ben's, one of his larger feet in between his love's, their insteps cradling. He was hard but that was just what his body did. There was no desire to do anything with it.
Usually they fell asleep in this position, too, but they hadn't for the past four dawns. They'd been keeping strictly to their own sides of the huge bed, Kerr naked but Ben clothed, at no risk of even accidentally coming into contact with each other. After a perfunctory kiss goodnight, they'd resigned themselves dutifully to surfing the outer perimeter of the mattress, a vast, contact-less chasm open between them. Yet every dusk Kerr still awoke like this, wrapped around Ben. Just like always.
Tonight was the first night he didn't recoil instantly to his side. Instead, he stayed where he was.
He wished it wasn't such a monumental thing, but it was. He'd had no desire to touch Ben since he'd been with Saraekiel and even though he'd berated himself and told himself every night that he was being utterly ridiculous... he hadn't been able to bring himself to change it. Every time he'd got close, images of Ben fucking him came at him and he flinched or winced or his fist curled and he did his best to deflect the impulse so that Ben didn't notice. He was more than aware of the fact that Kerr wouldn't touch him, though, so what did it even matter?
Kerr had never suppressed his desire to make contact with Ben to this degree, not even when they'd first met. It had become appallingly clear just how instinctual it was for him to touch his love after the night of their big outpouring. He'd avoided Ben with work that night but the next they'd both got on with things. Business as usual. And every time he spoke to Ben, every time he even thought of him, he'd consciously stopped himself from casual touches. He'd barely noticed how often he usually held his hand, rested his hand on his leg, fixed his hair or kissed him until he was stopping himself from following every instinct that arose. It was a soft, miserable kind of torture that he wished he was mature enough to stop inflicting on them both.
To his credit, Ben was being amazing about it and Kerr was insanely grateful. He showered alone and kept his clothes on at all times so Kerr wasn't reminded unnecessarily of the mark. As the nights progressed, it had become easier, his imagination less vivid, his repulsion fading. Ben was becoming his again, slowly, but he was becoming frustrated with his inability to fast forward this awful time. It would take as long as it took, apparently but he hated the thought that Ben was suffering or thinking he didn't love him. He did, he just...
Last night, he'd found himself smiling more freely when he was with Ben, able to sit close to him on the couch, to hug him once. Now, tonight, he'd awoken and didn't flee immediately across the bed. He decided to stay that way and see how it went once Ben awoke. It felt good to hold him but maybe that was just because he wasn't looking at his face and thinking... things. Time would tell. He nuzzled in until his lips were pressed to the back of Ben's neck, waking up properly and feeling his body deflate as it naturally would. He wasn't getting ahead of himself.
-
It was like being back in time. He'd forgotten what had been happening between him and Kerr as he woke, feeling his lover, his sire, pressed against him as usual. He murmured his pleasure before being aware that they didn't have skin on skin contact...
...and then it all came back to him. His eyes opened in the darkness, seeing the room clearly in stark relief. He could sense that Kerr was awake and that he was consciously being close to him. Ben froze, licking his lips, afraid to move, afraid to mess it up.
He'd been so hungry for this but at the same time felt he deserved the isolation. They'd lived together apart for the past few nights and Ben had felt every absence of touching like it was just as physical as the real thing. He deserved it. It had been something to relish as he tortured himself with it. It was proof there was something wrong with him.
They'd spoken about it, calling it his 'darkness' but it wasn't so simple. It wasn't darkness, it was destruction, it was damage. It was the usual diatribe in his head. They'd spoken about unlocking it, letting it out, letting it feast, letting him loose on someone else so that he wouldn't unleash on Kerr.
"Don't," Ben said softly, even though it hurt him - no, because it hurt him - to push Kerr away. "You don't have to."
-
The first word made Kerr stiffen and pull back slightly - he didn't release Ben all the way, he just moved his head far enough away that he could frown at Ben's hair - but the second comment explained it. He relaxed slowly back down onto the pillow.
"I know that," he murmured. "I want to be here. Unless you want me to move?" he hazarded, wondering if he'd left Ben alone for so long he was no longer welcome to touch him. Wouldn't that be ironic?
-
The closeness was choking him with an outpouring of emotion. He tried to stopper it but couldn't. At least he had control enough that he wasn't crying or in danger of it, but he could barely make sense of anything.
He didn't know what he wanted.
He wanted Kerr.
He didn't want Kerr to touch him because it was too soon, he hadn't been punished enough.
He didn't want to oppose Kerr in any way.
"I don't deserve-"
you
"-forgiveness."
-
Kerr didn't say anything for the longest time and he didn't move away, either. His foot twitched, wanting to rub thoughtfully against Ben's but he misinterpreted the gesture and just pulled his feet away, leaving Kerr disconnected. He lightly brushed Ben's stomach with his fingers instead (though it felt odd moving the fabric of his shirt around rather than touching his flesh), thinking through Ben's latest vocalisation.
He was also trying to sort through the emotional noise jamming their blood bond. It really had been too long since they'd touched.
Thoughts tumbled around his head as he debated the nature of forgiveness and Ben's deservedness of it. Forgiveness was tied to punishment, which happened after misbehaviour. He wanted to argue that he hadn't been specifically punishing Ben by not touching him - he still wasn't - but he could see how Ben might view it that way. He didn't want him to, really, but the great big wounded hole inside Kerr that refused to close even after all their talking relished the notion, too.
He wasn't as far from darkness as Ben might think. Frankly, being 'a good man' was, in his opinion, more about being fully aware of one's capability for cruelty and merely choosing not to act upon it, not about being truly our or saintly in thought and deed. He was neither and he was ashamed that Ben didn't understand that, too. First things first.
"Why don't you?" he eventually asked, needing Ben's perspective. It was easier to have this conversation with the back of Ben's head. Kerr felt more capable of vulnerability this way.
-
All of his answers felt dramatic and ridiculous in his head but they were the truth. He struggled to phrase it in a way that sounded reasonable.
His love was poison. He was toxic. He cast a critical eye over his past relationships, from family to friends, to lovers, to boyfriends, all before Kerr. He'd burnt them all. One way or another, he'd burnt them all. He'd always blamed his sharp tongue and unwillingness to deal with 'stupidity', but it was more his unwillingness to tolerate others.
Look at his instinct when Murphy had revealed his forced siring. Yes, he'd been compassionate and understanding, but inside he'd also been relieved to be properly off the hook now that Murphy was a vampire, and also jealous that he'd been made with ancient blood. He'd felt only the tiniest bit guilty over that. Not much, though.
And when he'd discovered Charon's latest infatuation with one of their donors, he'd been insulted, taking it personally that someone else might have a relationship with the ancient in his place. As if nobody else was allowed to be appreciated after him. He was pretty sure Charon would laugh at him over that.
Saraekiel, too. He'd gone to him to investigate that attraction and fuck anybody else's feelings. He wanted to know what it was like to experience that kind of sexual magnetism and it had been fucking divine. He hadn't cared how it would affect his potential future as a District Leader and he'd used sex to put Kerr out of his mind.
Out of his fucking mind.
In the four nights that Kerr refused to touch him, he'd spiralled. The more isolated he'd felt, the more he turned his venom into himself. The longer he went without forgiveness, the easier it was to believe he didn't deserve it. Time was healing Kerr, but it was breaking Ben.
"Why should I?" he finally asked.
-
Kerr was disappointed with Ben's deflection and also worried by it. He'd wanted to promote some awareness and self-reflection in his love - mostly as a defence mechanism, admittedly - not to destroy him.
"Because you're not irredeemable," he whispered. "You were selfish and reckless but this... stuff now, this is my thing. I'm trying to get past it. I know it feels like I'm pulling back to punish you but I swear I'm not. I just... "
Words failed him, even though he felt like he should apologise. He just couldn't because it was too big and he didn't understand it himself. He'd got over worse shit than Ben fucking someone he hated before. Why was it taking so long this time?
"The failure is in me, not you."
-
Ben choked a mirthless laugh. He wriggled away from Kerr and lifted up his hips, shucking off his boxers and dropping them onto the floor by the bed, then he sat up, crossing his arms and grabbed the hem of his shirt, sweeping it up and over his head in one smooth motion.
He rolled onto his side, but this time facing Kerr, and this time propped up on his arm, the sheet and blanket at his waist so that the mark was clear.
"Tell me now it's not me, it's you," he demanded. "Tell me now that the reason you can't get over this is nothing to do with me."
-
Kerr knew Ben was trying to provoke him and he tried to resist it. His face felt oddly hot as he watched Ben disrobe, fearing what was coming like a suicidal man hearing the train he's planning to jump in front of coming around the bend at full speed. He wanted it but he dreaded it. No, he didn't want it.
Didn't.
At all.
Ever.
His gaze dropped to the mark and it was all he could see, think about, hear. It was repugnant and brash and terrifying. It blinded him, deafened him, sickened him. His nose wrinkled and his lips curled in aversion, his head leaning back, needing to get away from it. That small movement was enough to free him from his frozen state and he rolled onto his back, overwhelmed and shaky.
He covered his eyes with his arm because he could see it on the ceiling, only to find it was burnt into his memory and on the backs of his eyelids, too. He pressed his arm down harder, watching pressure-based colour clouds bloom in his eyes and taint the shape he was destined to be haunted by. They didn't obliterate it, they just turned it different colours and made him wonder if he could burst his own eyeballs like this. It would be the last thing he'd ever see.
"Stop," he begged, tears heating his eyes and shaking his voice. It felt like their roles were reversed, like Ben was him driving home a point and he was Ben, helpless and terrified by the pain to the point where he had to shut it out by any means necessary. It tore at him, fisting his hands, gritting his teeth, scrunching his face.
Hate, that faithful black ichor of the devil, twisted in his heart, polluting his veins... in he, its willing victim.
-
"No, you stop," Ben said.
He looked at Kerr dispassionately, hating that he would dare try and take the blame upon himself. Every time he forgot, Ben's body would remind him exactly who was at fault.
"Either look at it and accept me or look at it and hate me, but don't fucking take the blame."
-
And now he was giving Kerr-style ultimatums. He took a breath in order to answer and found it settled him down a little. Enough to sound composed... at first. He didn't remove his arm, though.
"I don't hate you. I hate him. And what you did," he argued heatedly, sliding out of helplessness and embracing anger. It was an invigorating fit and he found he suddenly had more to say.
"I'm not taking the blame for that. I'm just saying I'm sorry I can't get over it, I... it makes me... I don't understand why I can't!" Kerr exploded, his fists clenching tighter. "But every time I look at you I imagine you fucking him and it's fucking killing me!" he yelled, finally removing his arm and sitting up so that he could glare down at Ben.
"Is that what you want to hear? That I fucking HATE IT and wish you'd never done it?!" he roared, uncertain why he was shattering the silence like this, or even if he was making any sense. He'd known Ben had been trying to provoke him and he was ashamed by how easily he'd fallen victim to his ploy but the part of him that wanted to stop was small and had been kicked out of the pool by the demon cavorting in his heart. Rationality wasn't his master.
-
Ben didn't react until Kerr got louder, and the corners of his mouth stretched into a parody of a smile. When Kerr shouted and sat up, screaming down at him, Ben clenched his teeth but smiled cruelly through it. Not because he'd riled up Kerr, which was an unfortunate circumstance that was needed to get him in the right headspace, but because this gloomy spiral of isolation needed to end.
One way or another.
Still propped up on his elbows, looking up at Kerr, Ben savoured the anger coming his way. He told Kerr why he couldn't get over it.
"Because it means I must belong to him. Because it stops you from wanting me. Because you can't look at me the same anymore. Because I was hot for him. Because he hurt me. Because I hurt you. Because..."
-
Kerr's expression might have been comical in another situation. His mouth fell open and he looked genuinely aghast, unable to believe the words coming at him. He understood that he was being provoked again but he couldn't fathom why with all of those awful descriptions coming at him and feeding his neurosis, multiplying his doubt and weakness.
Because I... belong to him
to him
Because I was hot for him
Because I was hot for him
Because I
... HIM
He leapt out of bed like it was filled with snakes, chased backwards by those awful words but only taking a step before he turned to face Ben in the bed, his expression still a mix of horrified surprise.
"Yes, yes, alright!" he yelled but there wasn't a lot of conviction this time and far less volume. Ben did stop, though, which was something. His hand was out in a 'halt' gesture, a pathetic barrier between them. "I get it, you chose him over me. But not to get back at me, supposedly. Just because I don't compare to him. Thanks. My ego gets it. He fucked you longer and harder and just better than I ever have while I pathetically sat here waiting all night in our bed for you to come home and you have the souvenir to prove it," Kerr spat, gesturing at Ben's chest.
Bitterness was loosening his tongue, connecting it to the blackness in his heart and he was sorry, so sorry that he couldn't be better than this. For someone who normally took the high road he was proving remarkably comfortable down in the sewage this time.
-
It went the wrong way. Ben had given Kerr reasons why it was reasonable to hate him but again he’d turned it into himself, saying why he was pathetic instead of how Ben had failed. He’d anticipated a physical response as well but Kerr had moved away instead of covering Ben's mouth or...
Of course Kerr would never lash out at him physically. That was the mark of a more dangerous man. One like Charon, who’d smacked him mentally for his cheek, or Lazarus, who'd raped him for less, or Themba, who’d beaten him so badly he couldn’t move for hours until his vampiric self had slowly healed. Beaten him up for less than what he’d said to Kerr. Had he really expected it from someone he considered safe?
“Because I'm damaged," he continued more softly, "because I want pain. Because I want you to punish me. Because I need us to be even. Because then we'll both be sorry and can move on."
He could see Kerr's surprise and figured he’d done a pretty good job of hiding that really twisted part of himself. Hadn’t Kerr known all along though? Hadn’t they both been turning a blind eye?
-
Kerr’s expression crumpled as Ben didn’t relent, though his barrage... changed, giving Kerr pause before he fell apart entirely. It took him a moment to figure out why and in that time, he found himself shaking his head but stepping back to the bed, one knee pressing into the mattress before the other, then dropping sideways until he was on his side, leaning on an elbow mirroring Ben, their bodies parallel and faces close to each other. The hand he wasn’t leaning on reached up to touch, hovered, then pressed forward to cup Ben’s cheek, giving him plenty of time to pull away, if he wanted.
Kerr’s understanding was as soft as Ben’s words but it had a far more profound effect inside him.
Ben was being honest.
He meant what he was saying.
He really wanted to be punished and believed that it would fix them.
Kerr thought of Jake and what he’d been doing while Ben was fucking and he understood.
It was like a light turned on inside him, highlighting everything, chasing away the shadows to reveal what was lurking beneath their cover. He’d gone to Jake for very much the same reason, to have Jake punish him, ground him, yank down all the buzzing, dizzying thoughts that were swirling around in his head and pound them into submission. The fear and pain had been clawing at him for an hour, debilitating him, sabotaging his reason and testing his sanity. He’d doubted what he’d seen in Ben, feared his own triggered response to it and been left in a toxic maelstrom of self-loathing and doubt, adrift and alone.
That had been after an hour. He’d left Ben to wallow alone in that state for four fucking nights, believing he was doing the right thing. The right thing for him but not for Ben.
No, the man he claimed to love more than himself, he’d relegated to a mental prison with no way to get off his carousel of venomous thinking and suffering - and if there was one thing Ben knew how to do well, it was commit to a self-destructive cycle of thinking, like a snake eating itself in pure desperation. Kerr was appalled at himself. He was finally able to push past his own bullshit, his own revulsion and see that Ben had been desperately waiting for him to see him, to understand him, to fucking step up and do what needed to be done, rather than serve his own needs the whole time.
He was a fucking hypocrite. He and Ben were far more alike than he’d ever dreamed possible, he’d just been blind to the minutiae of it all. It had taken all these steps of revelation for him to finally fucking get it. He’d thought he’d been seeing Ben so clearly, dictating changes he needed to make, forcing him to turn around and shine a light on his darkness to understand it. How fucking insultingly ignorant he’d been.
“Punish you how?” he asked quietly, needing direction.
-
Ben watched as Kerr closed in and when the hand pressed against his cheek, his eyelids fluttered. Then, after one last slow blink, he went back to staring, his gaze intense on Kerr, searching his face.
Was he... were they going to bypass the punishment? He liked the tenderness in spite of himself. He wanted more even though it wouldn't feel right to go straight to something warm and intimate without the pain in between. It would feel like cheating, if that particular step was skipped - but he wouldn't put it past Kerr to refuse. The other part of him, the one that wanted something normal, hoped Kerr would.
But then he asked how and Ben shrugged, though he knew the answer.
"Like when Charon hit me."
He'd done it in front of Kerr and his sire hadn't seem opposed to it. It had been a mental slap, though. He figured Kerr might come at him harder. He was certainly skilled in that way, because according to Ben's movie-memories, Kerr had knocked Lazarus out cold with his mind.
-
Kerr frowned and withdrew his hand, surprised by the request but willing to comply with Ben's wishes. Just because he'd required a physical release didn't mean Ben did. The mention of Charon's reprimand had him thinking for a moment; he'd forgotten that, in the wonder of being freed from his sentence of ancient subordination. Now that Ben brought it up, he remembered. How shameful, to have focussed on himself rather than on Ben's pain. Well, not anymore.
He sat up and moved into a cross-legged pose looking down at his fledge. "Ready?" he asked, giving him a chance to reposition himself if desired. They'd both need blood afterwards but doing it first thing, raw like this, would have a greater effect. He'd have to be careful he didn't go too hard, he wasn't as skilled as Charon was and he didn't know how to temper properly according to his target's age. Not when he didn't want to permanently scar them and actually cared about their mind, anyway.
It felt like it should have been momentous, this great act of subservience he was performing for his wounded lover, but it wasn't. Kerr gathered his mental energy, adding to it with his own rage and disgust by balling up every thing he'd imagined Ben had done with Saraekiel, as well as actual memories of the awful man, tempered with the pain he'd felt that night after finding out exactly where Ben had been and who he'd been with, lacing it with all the evil desires he'd had for revenge ever since. It seemed appropriate that his attack should be formed with everything wrong between them.
When his package of vileness was ready, he stormed Ben's mind with it, smacking him at about half the level he knew himself capable of. Ben wasn't that old, after all. He just hoped it was enough.
-
It was different, so different from what Charon had done to him that what he experienced was unexpected. His eyes were open but he couldn't see anything apart from what Kerr was showing him, couldn't feel anything other than what Kerr wanted him to feel. A distant part of him cringed, thinking that this was what Kerr had felt, not realising that his sire had balled it up into something compressed and rotten before flinging it his way.
It was like Despair and Hatred and Torment and Pain were holding hands and slicing into his brain. On the outside, it would look to Kerr like Ben had been zapped, every single one of his muscles tensing to the point where he'd thrust his hips upward, forming a bow in the bed before falling onto his side, his head arched all the way back.
He fought for consciousness, just so he could hold onto what this was, to remember it. It made him realise that none of what he suffered was enough if this was the kind of pain Kerr experienced. His whole body, his mind and soul, ached with it. He could feel it slinking away, as though it was a creature that had wreaked havoc in his mind, and when the pain was gone his vision returned, though it was blurry. He couldn't figure out why, until he felt wetness on his face.
He couldn't move.
-
Seeing Ben convulse sickened Kerr, yet he relished it, too. He found himself watching Ben's chest rather than his face. It made it clearer to him that way, reminding him what he was doing this for. For Ben, because of that, for himself, because of that. He felt different, once his mental well of torture was blasted into Ben. The process wasn't as cathartic as he'd hoped but it was healing all the same. Like a tumour excised before it could become malignant. He felt... emptier and that wasn't a bad thing.
When Ben didn't move, fear gripped him and Kerr shuffled closer, pressing himself to Ben's side without a second thought. "I'm sorry," he whispered, though it wasn't because he'd done it but because he hadn't correctly gauged his own power. "I hit you too hard." He curled himself protectively over Ben, not caring about the mark now, pressing his lips to the side of his face. It was stupid, really, to have the urge to protect Ben when he was the one who'd inflicted the damage. He was the threat.
Ben was still conscious, only his eyes moving. Kerr scanned his mind but recoiled instantly, lest he get drawn into the whirlpool of mental havoc he'd wrought and drown. "I'll get you some blood. It'll help," he promised and hurried out of the bedroom to the kitchen. He heated two bags, dancing impatiently in front of the microwave the entire time they whirred inside it. He didn't bother with glasses when they were done. He cut one open and downed it in quick, needy gulps, tossing the bag into the rubbish and hurrying back to Ben. He'd likely need another bag but he planned on feeding this one to him carefully and he didn't want to heat another just to have it go cold.
Nestling up to Ben's side once more, Kerr opened the neck of the bag and gently pried Ben's mouth open. He was strongly reminded of the pain in his jaw when he'd drunk after Jake pummelled him. It hadn't been easy for him then and it wasn't easy for Ben now. The similarities reassured him and made him feel better about complying with Ben's wishes. So did the peace he was feeling. Finally. His only thoughts revolved around his concern for Ben, the anger and vileness gone, allowing room for love and compassion to rise within him at last.
-
He was alarmed by his inability to move but he remembered Lazarus had obviously come back from being stunned. He'd been smacked with all of Kerr's power, but he had 2000 year old resistance. Ben's defenses were paper and he hadn't even had any up.
It was awful, being paralysed. Nothing worked. Panic began clawing at him before he made himself calm by breathing. Okay, so he could pull in breath, which was kinda weird since he didn't need it, but the movement in his chest made him feel better.
"Uuuungh," he said to the bed. It didn't reply. Maybe it had been offended by the tone of his groan. The thought had him laughing, but it didn't feel like a healthy laugh mentally speaking and it didn't sound like a regular laugh because it was just a kind of huffing noise, so he lost his amusement very quickly.
He focussed on listening to the sounds in the apartment until Kerr returned, by which time Ben could curl his fingers. A good sign, even before the blood was pooled into his mouth. He could swallow, at least. It had been weird having Kerr open his mouth for him. The use of his arms returned to him first and he moved to hold Kerr's side; he was a bit clumsy with his movements, the soft reaching was more like a heavy flopping. He was sure Kerr would appreciate the intimacy regardless. Who didn't enjoy being thumped on the side by a dead arm?
He laughed again but Kerr was pooling blood into his mouth at precisely the wrong moment and he spluttered and coughed, spraying his lover with flecks of it.
Dear god.
-
Kerr had paused when Ben hit his side, looking down at his arm to see if he was trying to stop him from feeding him blood or not. He'd wanted to be punished; perhaps he didn't feel ready to recover yet, even though Kerr had desired it straight away, once he'd been broken down by Jake. It didn't appear to be an indicator to stop what he was doing. He watched Ben's fingers clench and unfurl and figured he was just getting movement back slowly and that's all the arm smack had been.
He turned back and continued feeding Ben. When the cough happened, Kerr flinched, scrunching his eyes closed as the blood hit his face in a light smattering. Cautiously, he opened them again, watching for Ben to swallow before he did any more pouring. "Sorry," he apologised, believing he'd been too impatient with his drip feeding and had caused Ben to choke. He resolved to be more careful.
As he continued, the scent of blood on his face became a distraction. In between gentle squirts into Ben's mouth, he wet his finger to try and wipe the coughed-up blood off him. He had no idea where the drops all were and felt a little like a cat licking its paw in order to clean itself, trying to be methodical about swiping every bit of his face but suspecting he missed a lot of it. The aroma of blood remained, though it might have been psychosomatic rather than actual. Either way, it was rousing something primal in him at the worst possible time.
When the bag was empty at last, he pulled it away from Ben's mouth. "How are you? Should I get you another bag now?" he asked gently, encouraging Ben to take stock of his condition before he made any move towards the kitchen. He was glad he hadn't heated the third bag straight away. That had been torturously slow.
-
"Mmmn," Ben murmured while swallowing the last. His tongue snuck out and stroked across his lips as his gaze shifted off Kerr's eyes to focus on a tiny fleck of blood high on Kerr's cheek and closer to his hairline. He'd watched fascinated when Kerr cleaned himself up. Ben had a new awareness and respect for Kerr's talent and also a deeper understanding of the magnitude of emotion he dealt with. No wonder Kerr was gentler, kinder and more compassionate if that was the intensity of his feelings. "Yes, please." It just accentuated that Ben's own emotions were muted and deprived of any true force. Funny, he'd always thought he'd felt things intensely but he'd had no idea. It was like allowing a blind person to see, but only briefly.
And with a lot of pain.
By the time Kerr returned, Ben had managed to work himself into a sitting position, using the headboard to keep himself upright. The velvet was luxurious at his back against his skin. He rubbed minutely back and forth on it, feeling the soft fibres move beneath him. His hand stole unconsciously to the mark on his chest and he was covering it with his hand when Kerr returned. Ben stopped wriggling and looked up. He was half-recovered but he doubted he could walk yet.
He dropped his hand and noticed that Kerr reflexively lowered his gaze to the movement but he didn't linger or look disapprovingly. Maybe that one hit was enough.
"You're powerful," Ben told him. "I underestimate you."
-
Kerr's immediate internal response was flippant, the urge to deflect and demean himself strong. It was his way, after all. This time, he stifled the impulse and looked Ben squarely in the eye as he sat beside him, curling a leg beneath him so he could lean his shoulder against the headboard too, mostly facing Ben. He handed him the warm blood he'd brought - in a glass this time.
"Yes, you do," he said bluntly, squashing down the desire to claim it was his fault, for coddling Ben. It wasn't his fault that Ben didn't notice what he had in his sire, it was always there for the taking. The fact that Ben hadn't looked or had perhaps forgotten how he'd dropped Lazarus so easily that time wasn't on him. It was on Ben.
It felt strange yet empowering to show Ben his confidence. His arrogance. It was always there, beneath the surface, driving every interaction Ben would have seen him have, yet he'd never displayed anything but humility towards Ben. He was pretty sure he'd hidden that part of himself because he'd been so pathetically grateful to have Ben turn his love and attention his way that he was afraid to reveal too much, lest he overwhelm and frighten his prize away. His upbringing had had a far deeper impact on his modern behaviours and presentation than he'd realised. He liked that it was there now, in the open and between them to be dealt with. It felt fair, since he'd demanded Ben reveal himself, too.
"You underestimate the powers you're motivated to develop when your mind is wilfully invaded and, most nights, you're forced to do heinous things against your will, at the whim of a psychopath seeking entertainment. It's not something I've ever shared with you, though," he admitted, his smile apologetic but his tone firm. "It's not like I've ever been motivated to turn it on you or needed to put anyone down all that often, either, so you couldn't be expected to know. I used about half my capability, maybe a little less," he mused, his gaze lowering to run down Ben's body, trying to estimate the effect he'd had and how recovered Ben was. It'd been long enough that he should've been moving more. "I used too much. Sorry." He didn't sound it - it was too late for regrets now that it was done, after all - but he smiled.
-
Ben held the glass with two hands, still feeling clumsy, not wanting to spill it on himself. He thought of Jake and how Kerr's thirst for the blood had been inspired rather than thirst for the dark vampire. Ben had the feeling that if he pulled the same stunt of pouring blood over himself, it would have different results. But there was no way he was copying that mofo.
Even though a tiny part of him really, really, wanted to.
He cleared his throat and concentrated on drinking, resting his wrists high on his chest and tipping the glass whenever he needed to take a sip. He regarded Kerr over the rim.
"You should train me for that. I don't have much resistance." He remembered busting in on Jake and Sam when they'd been trespassing in this building for a lesson. They'd been talking Fortitude and Domination. He had a better understanding of both things now, thanks to Sam's class. "Maybe teach me to attack, too."
-
Kerr nodded thoughtfully, agreeing to Ben's demands but mostly distracted by his return to equilibrium. His attack seemed to have had the desired effect though the request made him wonder if Ben was anticipating this would have to happen again, for him to want to build up his defences. It might be fun, in a strange kind of way, to hurt each other in training. It wasn't something he would be able to do regularly though, not if he wanted to keep his traumatic past from bleeding into everything.
"We should train more often," he mused, the hand closest to Ben straying over to brush his side with the backs of his fingers, his thumb balanced on his hip. "You and your election really eat into our free time," he teased, grinning. Even in the midst of their emotional trauma over the past few nights, the election had been a priority. Or a refuge. Same, same.
-
Ben's eyes flickered closed at the intimate contact. He hadn't experienced many loving touches lately and the casual way Kerr was finally touching him registered deep inside of him. Now that he felt like he could move again, it was like he'd gotten off cheap. When Kerr mentioned the election, Ben frowned and looked away.
"Yeah," he said.
The past four nights he'd been going through the motions, checking off all the tasks on his list. Perhaps his apathy would lift now that Kerr was showing interest in him again, but it was quite a blow to realise how much of an impact this even had on something he thought he'd felt deeply about.
-
Kerr also frowned as Ben turned his head at the mention of the election. That was new. Kerr shuffled closer, resting his head on Ben's shoulder, squashing the arm that had been on Ben's hip between them in order to press his legs against Ben, too. His other hand splayed possessively on his stomach, enjoying touching him. It seemed that, now he'd started, he couldn't stop. He'd been craving him even while he'd been staying away.
It had been very confusing but Kerr was at peace with it now. He didn't enjoy thoughts of the dark angel but his passionate hatred had dissipated. Been lanced, like a pustulous boil. Frankly, he wasn't worth the headspace Kerr had been affording him and he was glad to be rid of the fucker.
"What was that reaction about?" he pressed Ben quietly.
-
Ben sighed and let his thoughts out.
"Maybe... maybe we shouldn't work so hard on this thing, the election. We're... we have this new discovery for ourselves and potentially to introduce a pet to it, and then there's Lovebite and the Academy to grow. Maybe we just do a little bit, don't try so hard, just... make me an option if people are dissatisfied with Jake and... whatever happens happens."
He also thought it would be nice to mention the other thing.
"I didn't really care about it when I thought I'd lost you."
-
Kerr was reminded of being in the ocean. Ben's information washed over him in waves, fracturing him into flotsam as it broke on him, tearing him away from his mooring - and the safety of a future he'd thought so definite - in the process. The ripples of understanding ebbed through him in the same manner but that final piece of information... that was the kicker. That was the one that made his heart leap and his smile broaden and his soul flutter in certain, undeniable relief.
He chose me. He really, really did.
Since before he'd returned from the 'dead', Ben had been dedicating himself to projects that would boost him. Give him power, control and esteem. Mostly control. Then Kerr had come back and they'd devised a plan for him to take a district for himself, to ascend to a position befitting someone older, with more influence and swagger. It hadn't daunted him, he'd fed on the challenge, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to prove everyone wrong about him. Particularly himself. He'd been all about the end game, the ultimate goal, the achievement. It had come to mean everything.
Kerr had watched from beside him, not sharing his ambition but supporting it because he understood the hole Ben was trying to fill, the validation that beating Jake would give him. Although it had unsettled him, Kerr hadn't wavered in doing his best to help Ben achieve his dream because it was also about the fact that he truly believed he could do a good job. He didn't know about 'better' than Jake but certainly (with his and Charon's guidance) he would be equal to the task and 'as good' a leader for the district. His ideas were sound, his focus sharp and his determination killer.
Somehow, it had fallen apart when they had. Looking back now, Kerr still couldn't see where or how it had gone wrong. Win? Saraekiel? Or as far back as his date with Jake? Perhaps it was just that Ben had become complacent in his regard for Kerr, taking him for granted and buoyed by his general success at everything he was tackling. Perhaps Kerr hadn't understood what was at stake until it was too late and he was fighting back, like he always should've. However it had come about, change had happened.
It was glorious.
In telling him that he was indifferent to the election, Ben was saying so much more than just that he chose Kerr. He was declaring a truce within himself, an acceptance that permeated both of them and their relationship. He was giving up on extrinsic rewards in order to focus on the ones that mattered; intrinsic and authentic change. In himself. Kerr was floored by the implications, his spirit soaring in wonder as he realised what this hesitant indifference to becoming District Leader meant. He might still win the election, he might not but what Ben had won was priceless. Acceptance. Love. Peace.
Kerr was so overwhelmed with gratitude and wonder that he couldn't even speak. He turned Ben's face away from the blood he was sipping and kissed him instead, worshipfully, adoringly, gently.
-
Kerr's reaction said it all, really.
Part of him had wanted Kerr to accept it without argument, like he was doing now, kissing him and loving him for giving up on the crown he'd so tenaciously been reaching for, and to see and understand the meaning behind the figurative lowering of his hand... and the other part was saddened that Kerr wasn't trying to talk him back into it, guiding him back to those strong feelings he'd had for leadership, pointing out that they'd already worked so hard and Ben was just currently feeling off-kilter, that he'd come around again and that he deserved to keep going and have his reward.
He'd known, though. He'd known Kerr hadn't really wanted it for them. He'd said it enough times.
It really had boiled down to this or that. Saraekiel had been the ultimate choice in bad choices, the catalyst that ravaged his relationship with Kerr so much that only pain and sacrifice was the way back from the brink. Well, he wouldn't regret it, and Jake would laugh as he settled the crown more firmly on his head even though Ben had what they both really wanted.
After the kiss broke, Ben got a different idea.
"Lie back," he said, pushing gently on Kerr's chest.
-
Kerr's expression was wary and he puffed a disconcerted laugh, finding the instruction out of place - even as he complied with it.
"Okay," he drawled, taking a moment to rearrange his pillow so that his head was on it as he stretched out and lay flat on his back.
He wasn't sure what to do with his hands, so he lined them up with his sides, looking like an awkward, naked soldier. Parts of him were thinking about standing to attention, at least.
-
Ben shifted on the bed, kneel-walking to Kerr's hip, glass of blood in hand. Jake had given him the idea, he'd seen it in Kerr's memory, but he wanted to put a point of difference to it. Jake had intended on receiving Kerr's affection, counting on his own sexual charisma to pull Kerr to him. A less risky move would be to offer affection, making the stimulus harder to deny. Ben thought he could teach Jake a thing or two about seduction. Perhaps not relying on his personality had been a good thing for Ben.
One point for the anti-social assholes. Woo.
He poured a thin trail of blood from Kerr's chest down his stomach and pooling it near his growing cock, watching a tiny river run down the join of his leg. Holding the glass aloft, though there was very little blood in it, Ben bent over to lick it up before it could spill onto the bedsheets.
-
Kerr hissed in breath, then grinned and looked along his body to see what Ben was doing. His insides clenched with desire as he felt his lips, so close...
He was amused and mildly appalled that Ben would play such games in bed. Mess was really not his thing and the potential for the sheets being ruined with blood was high. It motivated Kerr to stay as still as he possibly could, which was a turn on in itself. Exercising restraint when he wasn't the one in control was difficult but a welcome challenge.
A soft whimper of desire escaped him as Ben's tongue scooped up the blood, lapping it from his leg and near the base of his cock but not on it (despite its nudging Ben's face for attention). The whimper became a throaty moan of approval as Ben's mouth travelled, cleaning him up in the most delicious way. His abs clenched as Ben moved ever northward and Kerr found himself torn between wanting Ben to come to his face so he could kiss him properly or go south and suck him.
After a moment's deliberation he decided in favour of north. Then he could fuck Ben and this whole business would be done.
-
Ben had no idea what Kerr was planning. He intended on cleaning Kerr up until he was sparkling, kissing his mouth and then moving downward, maybe pouring the last little bit of blood onto Kerr's magnificent cock, pulsing and huge and usually the reason why they had to start slow. It always made Ben feel a little greedy when it filled him to the hilt, but he wanted to treat Kerr first before advancing them to the next stage. He wanted to draw out every move.
His tongue swirled and swept up every bit of red but he kept going, kissing and licking beyond what was needed and doing everything that was wanted. He eventually worked his way up to Kerr's lips.
-
Kerr did his best to lay back and hold still but Ben had him squirming so much that he quickly forgot about messy sheets. They could afford new ones if the cleaners couldn't get the stains out, fuck 'em. He alternated between watching Ben's every movement with glittering eyes and laying back, eyes closed and savouring the sensations of a worshipful tongue. He kept his hands by his side the whole time, fingers curling into each other, smoothing the sheets or resting on his legs but it felt like the rules changed once Ben got to his mouth. They intensified.
He held Ben close - first by his biceps and then his back and finally his face - and kissed him with far more passion than he had earlier. His tongue slithered into Ben's mouth, curling and swiping around his, thrusting forward demandingly and sucking hungrily on his lips. The blood he'd consumed was thrumming through him and he was starving for affection and contact after denying himself for so long. There was also a secretive, dark part of him that was keen to fully eradicate Ben's last lover from his mind and Ben's body. He worried about it, it was the last vestige of hatred still clinging tenaciously to his heart but he couldn't deny its existence.
His cock was turgid and throbbing and it felt like something he wanted to inflict on Ben rather than share with him. Was that weaponising sex? He found he didn't particularly care as he grasped Ben's face and pulled him away from his mouth rather roughly. What had started out delicate and flighty was quickly becoming a ravenous need to dominate and claim. Ben would probably sense that dark desire in him, see the frantic weakness wanting to take over in his eyes. He wasn't sure he was going to do the right thing. It would be better if Ben remained in control. Safer.
"If you want me inside you, you should sit on me," he growled, trying to make it sound like a sexy invitation to do something that he wanted. But it wasn't. His gaze was half pleading, half accusing as he looked into Ben's beautiful eyes. "I don't trust myself," he confessed, leaving it for Ben to interpret what he would from that. His hands slid off his face and down Ben's body, caressing and squeezing and reaching for his cock to stroke it while Ben decided how to proceed.
-
Ben grunted into the kiss, returning it with the same gusto that he felt. It was so good coming back here again, feeling wanted again. When forced away, Ben placed his hands on Kerr's forearms, wondering what was going on.
And then Kerr looked at him with the kind of expression that shifted Ben's focus from his heart to his groin, and the way he said it, in a tone that implied something dangerous beneath the surface. Before Kerr even wrapped a hand around him, the sexual beast had been awakened within him, a beast which had last been fed with Saraekiel.
But this was better, because this was a surprise.
"And I don't want you holding back," he said, staring intently into Kerr's dark gaze. His lips tugged at the corners.
-
Kerr stilled; his mind and his hands both felt like they were put on pause while he digested Ben's comment. Don't hold back? Was he serious? Kerr was pretty sure he'd been blazingly obvious when he'd said not to trust him so... Ben knew what he'd meant. The longer he took to stare at Ben, the clearer it became that he absolutely did understand Kerr's intent and that he was encouraging those dark consequences anyway.
He... wanted them?
Yes, as he stared at Ben's mouth, the light in his eyes, felt the quickening in response along their blood bond, he realised that Ben knew what he was saying and was inviting it to happen. It took him a little longer to realise why but once he did, he saw that he and Ben weren't really so different after all. This was the physical component of punishment he'd anticipated earlier. Kerr had chosen straight violence with Jake, Ben would have it sexualised. They were two sides of the same coin. Kerr also understood that this wasn't anything like what Lazarus or Themba had done to Ben. This was Ben issuing an invitation, trusting Kerr to make it hurt but not abuse him. It was completely Ben's choice.
To be absolutely sure he had consent, Kerr asked a necessary question. "You understand that I'll hurt you?" he said carefully. He hadn't qualified his sentence with 'might' or 'could', it had been definite... because he knew he would.
That last bit of blackness turned a tight, excited circle inside him when Ben nodded, looking clear-headed and eager.
"Do you want me to hurt you?" he clarified. There was a difference between saying it'd happen and having Ben tell him he wanted it. He preferred he request it like he'd asked for punishment last time. That would put them on exactly the same page. He licked his lips as he waited for Ben's answer, eagerness and arousal flooding his mouth with saliva as he anticipated an affirmative response. It was wrong to want to hurt his partner... but that didn't stop him thirsting for it.
-
"Sometimes it hurts when we're rushing because of your size," Ben said, telling Kerr something they both already knew, "and you always say sorry and I always say it's okay. When I feel... that sharpness... mingling with the sweet, I... I wanted more but I never asked because I was scared you'd think I was..."
He shook his head, he didn't want to say anything negative or cast Kerr in a bad light. It had been Ben's hangup and he'd thought Kerr would never go for it anyway. The best way to learn dominance was to be the sub, and Ben had developed a taste for both sides.
He licked his lips, cleared his throat and announced his wishes on a soft voice not much above a whisper, his tone pleading.
"I want it to hurt. I want you to ram yourself into me so hard that I'll ache until I heal."
And then he smiled.
-
The power of Ben’s words was unexpected and electrifying. The heat and need they inspired threatened to consume him as unadulterated lust exploded throughout Kerr's body. He nodded curtly, agreeing with Ben's instruction. It would be his pleasure to comply. He'd never felt so empowered while being ordered around. He needed to act.
“Finish your blood,” he instructed gruffly, breaking away from Ben to stand up beside the bed. He flicked the covers off onto the floor while he waited, leaving the mattress a vast, open playground for them to take full advantage of. He took the empty glass when it was offered and placed it on his bedside table before he pulled the lube out of his drawer. He didn’t need it yet but he brought it with him as he crawled back onto the bed.
He didn’t bother with words or niceties, though. He was in charge and he'd do this the way he wanted. The way he needed. To give him room to manoeuvre, he pushed Ben close to the headboard and onto his back, positioning himself between his legs. Instead of letting him have his freedom, Kerr held Ben’s ankles, forcing them apart and back until his heels nudged his ass, his knees bent sharply. It wouldn’t be a comfortable position, especially when Kerr came up onto his knees and used this hold to leverage himself forward.
He took Ben’s cock in his mouth in one motion, sliding up and down with slow deliberation before bobbing with more gusto. This, he did want to be pleasant. Despite restricting Ben’s leg movements, he had the ability to thrust his hips if he wanted and was allowed to fuck Kerr’s mouth as fast or as deep as he wished. Kerr savoured the feel of his lover’s silken shaft pressing hard into the restriction of his throat, enjoying himself as well. He worked it, swallowing to tighten around Ben’s cock, savouring the way it made him shudder.
After he’d glided up and down enough to get Ben nice and hard, Kerr pressed the ball of his tongue stud to his frenulum, rolling and pressing it with a rhythm Ben easily picked up on, using the roof of his mouth to rub the head of his cock with increasing friction while his tongue pulsed expertly. It was a well-practised move and Kerr could feel the precum slicking him up as sucking Ben amped up his level of arousal as well. He wanted more, though, and the angry thing lashing its tail inside him wasn’t satisfied yet.
Without preamble (and because he could tell Ben was getting close - but he loved the way Ben seemed to be worrying Kerr wouldn't even fuck him like he'd asked; it was another form of punishment), Kerr pulled away and straightened. He took a moment to admire the beauty of Ben’s cock, glinting and slick with his spit, waving about and pulsing wantonly as it was abandoned without warning, before he used his grip on Ben’s ankles to flip him over. He grabbed his hips and lifted him onto his knees, sitting down on his heels as Ben braced himself on his elbows or arranged a pillow under his chest or whatever he was doing. Kerr didn’t particularly care. He liked it.
Kerr squeezed lube along the length of his huge cock, using his other hand to stroke it and smear it around. He wondered idly how big Saraekiel was and was confident he was bigger. There hadn’t been much filling his pants from what Kerr had been able to tell when they’d met. He also wondered idly how big Cain’s cock was and felt a spear of lust as he imagined it pumping into him. That was a much tastier contemplation.
Once he was slick with lube, Kerr poured some onto two fingers and used it to lubricate Ben’s hole. He pressed inside and twisted them, not bothering to scissor so much as ensure the entrance to his tunnel was properly wet. He squirted some more on his fingers and did it again for good measure, loving the way it made Ben gasp and squirm because he wasn't being careful. He then closed the lube and tossed it aside.
Coming back up onto his knees, Kerr positioned himself behind Ben, shuffling forward until his head was prodding his puckered opening, guiding his cock into position. Ram yourself into me so hard that I'll ache, he'd said. Kerr gripped Ben's hips, closing his eyes and taking a moment to savour the delight those words provoked in him before he thrust. Once. Hard. Unrelentingly.
Kerr cried out exultantly as he shoved his cock all the way into Ben's resistant hole in that one swift move. He'd never felt anything so tight and good and the wonder of it zinged all the way to his toes before it arced up his spine like lightning. He shuddered, taking a moment to register the absolute sweetness of being buried to his balls without preamble, without consideration, but with permission. It was fucking phenomenal.
He heard Ben making noises as he pulled back and thrust again, starting up a rhythm that he liked. There was pain in that tone - Kerr couldn't help but react to it - but there was pleasure, too. It was that which spurred Kerr onward. Releasing Ben's hips after a few hard thrusts, Kerr arched forward over Ben's back instead. He braced his hands on each of Ben's shoulders, his thumbs digging into his neck. Pressing most of his weight into bearing Ben down (it wasn't like he needed to breathe), Kerr spread his knees a little wider, bracing himself. And then he began thrusting properly.
Fucking Ben was always a joy. Fucking him with abandon? That was pure ecstasy.
Kerr started hard and he continued that way, thrusting and withdrawing until he felt he'd fully gouged a cock-sized hole deep into Ben's insides. Then he tapped into his celerity. His hips pistoned back and forth in a blur and it was all he could do to contain himself long enough to enjoy the ride. He cried out loudly, his voice a groaning, thrashing ululation as the intensity built exponentially. It went faster than he'd ever experienced it, causing shivers to roll across his body, lighting him up like he was made of pure energy, inspiring and filling him with awe. It was the most intense feeling he'd ever had and it was unstoppable. It was all he could do to hang onto Ben; he strongly suspected he could've gone into orbit in that moment if he hadn't.
When it came (too soon), his orgasm felt like it ripped through the fabric of time and space itself - and took him with it. He was forced to slow down just to catch it, otherwise it would've departed without him. He wasn't too aware of himself by that stage but he screamed his utter joy as wave after wave of insanity-invoking pleasure rolled through him. His hips slowed only once the thrashing of the rest of his body did and he felt like he was floating and flying and falling all at once. It was insane and beautiful.
Eventually, Kerr came to a stop and disengaged. With some difficulty, he crawled past and collapsed on the bed beside Ben, so entirely spent that he could barely open his eyes - but that was exactly the moment he realised that, for all the pleasure he was feeling, Ben would be in an equal amount of pain. His eyes flew open in fear and he half sat up to inspect his love worriedly. "Are you okay?" he asked urgently.
-
His reply was a gutteral moan into the pillow that Ben's face was mashed against before he turned his head and peeked at Kerr, half of his face visible.
"Yeah," he drawled, one luminescent blue eye staring at Kerr before Ben shifted, wincing as he turned onto his side. "Feels like you started a fire inside me," he said. "I like that I can feel you still. It's different to when you do me gently. There's an emptiness and loss when you pull out afterwards, but now it's... I want to say relief but I don't want you to think I hated getting here."
Ben reached out to touch Kerr's arm, his fingers stroking over the curve of his muscle. "It felt fucking wild," he said, then rolled his eyes. "Wild fucking. I could tell you liked it?" he asked, his voice losing some of its confidence after explaining his point of view as he shifted for seeking feedback from Kerr.
-
Kerr was so giddy, practically everything Ben said made him giggle - whenever there was a pause, it happened. He reached out and touched Ben back, grinning deliriously and feeling ridiculously replete.
"Mmmm," he agreed that he liked it, eyelids lifting out of their droop so that he could look at Ben, his head lolling in that direction. He thought about seeking a pillow but couldn't be bothered moving and disturbing the pleasant feelings still rippling through him. "Though I probably shouldn't like hurting you that much. It feels like I came so hard in you my balls will be empty for a week," he mused eloquently.
He pulled a squinting face and attempted to peer in the direction of Ben's lower half - without lifting his head. "Did you cum?"
-
Ben made a concerned face that Kerr asked after his orgasm, one that hadn't come.
"There was, um, too much pain for that," Ben said hurriedly and quickly adding, "but it's not what I... actually, could you finish me now? Hand or mouth," he suggested, not caring which. "I like cumming when I'm still... burning," he said, a somewhat sheepish smile on his face now, though it didn't detract from the hopeful look in his eyes.
-
Kerr laboured up onto one elbow, willing to service Ben and preparing to roll onto his stomach and wriggle down between his legs again. It was only once he was up that his words registered, giving him pause. He frowned down at Ben.
"What do you mean 'still burning'?" he asked, dread freezing his heart and doing an excellent job of clearing away the pleasure cobwebs in his brain. Ben had done this before? Oh, God. He felt like a fool, his throat constricting as he contemplated who. "You've done this... before?' he asked tightly, fighting the urge to pull away. "Who with?" His lips felt numb. He didn't want to know. But he did.
-
Ben's smile broadened and then it fell as Kerr challenged his words. He'd spoken without thought, without guile. He hadn't attempted to calculate the impact of his words. Now, in hindsight, as Kerr demanded a name, he knew he'd made a mistake. His erection, springing upwards at the idea of Kerr's attention, slowly deflated as time passed, Ben not wanting to sully their experience with someone else's name.
"I haven't... I mean, I didn't give... I did, but..." He shook his head and tried one last time. "It was different. Please?"
Please don't make me say his name
Not now
You'll second guess me
What we did
He couldn't tell if he'd hidden his thoughts from Kerr or not. He'd been feeling very comfortable baring himself and it was like trying to slam the shutters closed on Kerr in case he turned.
-
Kerr heard everything and suddenly he didn't want to know. He'd decided the name was 'Saraekiel' and it just made him sad that Ben wanted to hide it. He didn't understand why, when it felt like they were being completely open and honest with one another. The only one second guessing anything was Ben.
After a moment of simply staring, he conceded with Ben's wishes - spoken and unspoken - and silently shuffled down the bed to use his mouth on him. He'd stay on his elbow and lean down, rather than lay on his stomach and risk eye contact.
-
Coherent thought dissipated as Ben was lost in the sensation. With the intense throbbing in his backside and the return of his lover's mouth on him, it didn't take Kerr long to have him writhing and begging Kerr's name until Ben finally peaked. One hand was scratching feebly at the bottom sheet, the other hand was raised gripping his own hair, not wanting to grab Kerr's head and control what he was doing, so he'd grabbed his own.
Winding down, pulling in a long slow breath so he could release it in a shaky sigh, he watched for Kerr's next move, pressing his lips together when thinking about what he hadn't told him.
-
When Ben finished, Kerr was torn with indecision about his next step.
On the one hand, he'd really liked hearing his name and knowing how he'd affected Ben, bringing him pleasure so quickly because of what he'd done earlier. Apparently he was just that pathetic that he needed his ego stroked, especially now. On the other, he fucking hated this secretive bullshit and didn't get why it was still continuing. He'd been thinking feverishly while he was sucking and he actually didn't believe his first conclusion fitted what Ben had said. He had other names now, along with a whole bunch of different conclusions drawn about why he hadn't been told.
His first instinct was to get mad, walk away and shower but he fought that. Instead, he swallowed and shifted so that he was stretched out on his side, elbow bent and his head resting in his hand. Instead of staring and waiting for Ben to buckle - thereby fostering resentment - he chose to employ the honesty they'd been nurturing.
"I don't think I'm going to take it the way you think I will and it pisses me off that you freaked out and tried to shut me out instead of just answering me. Do you seriously think I'm going to judge you after all we've just been through? Is that what it was?" he asked, his tone firm but not angry. He genuinely wanted an answer... about why he hadn't got an answer. Living with Ben; would some things never change?
-
He could feel the tension growing even while he was coming down from his orgasmic high. He prepared himself for the telling, structuring in his head how he was going to say it - it was an old name but it still had potency. Then Kerr beat him to it, not asking who but why he'd hidden it.
It was easier to reply to and Ben was angry that Kerr suggested Ben had been unreasonable.
"I didn't freak out. You asked me for a name while looking pissed off. Don't pretend you weren't already upset before I shut you out. I didn't want you thinking about me with someone else before you put your mouth on me." Ben looked away. "It's not a secret, anyway. It was Themba. He was selfish and mean but I learnt some things about myself."
-
Kerr had realised that while his mouth was on Ben but he wasn't about to tell him that. Themba had fit with his stuttering justifications that he 'didn't give, well, he did'... give consent. Ben hadn't, but he had, too, because he was in an abusive relationship that had had some truly awful outcomes. Some surprising ones too, apparently. Kerr was intrigued to know more, though he felt he owed it to his love to apologise and soothe him a little first.
"Ugh!" he exclaimed loudly, his head dropping back to contemplate the ceiling briefly as the cathartic noise was evicted from his sternum. It was his way of breaking the tension. When he straightened up, he reached over and wrapped an arm about Ben's waist and dragged him close, dropping down off his elbow and cuddling in against him, nuzzling his face into the crook of his neck. He nipped Ben's throat pointedly.
He was back to giddy again - this time, with relief. Everything would be okay, they were just both oversensitive fuckheads who were still healing. The healing and learning part made everything okay.
"Jesus, fuck, Benjamen James, you do my head in sometimes! I do my own head in, too, because I'm an idiot. I'm sorry! I didn't mean to make it awkward, my paranoia got the best of me again! I wasn't pissed off, I was freaked out because I thought you'd done it with someone consensually and I was feeling so fragile because I didn't feel special anymore!"
Abruptly, he pulled his face away and moved up onto his elbow again, looming over Ben with a mock scowl on his face, his lips pooched in such an extreme manner that he hoped for a laugh - or to at least lighten the mood.
"Tell me. Tell me I'm the best you've ever had. My ego demands it. And then tell me what else you learnt about yourself so that I can know all your kinky secrets and act them out with you and please you sec-sually until we are centuries and centuries old!" he declared grandly, lifting his arm from Ben's waist and flinging it backwards, arching his back dramatically for added effect.
-
The protesting sound and grabbing and cuddling was enough for Ben to know the moment had passed and he relaxed into Kerr's hold, wrapping his arms around him. With his face pressed in the crook of Kerr's neck, Ben's smile would be felt and returned Kerr's nip with a peck of a kiss.
Kerr's outburst confused him. Serious words spoken in a jovial tone. When Kerr pulled away, Ben didn't know what was happening and stared at Kerr when he pulled a weird face and then made over-the-top statements. Okay, so he was joking. Was he, though? Was he hiding his real thoughts behind this clownish attempt at humour?
"You're the best I've ever had," Ben said dutifully. It was easy enough to say; Ben enjoyed sex with Kerr most. They loved each other. Nothing could compete with that.
He didn't immediately reply to the request for kinky knowledge, but he worked up the courage after a long moment, once Kerr was looking back at him.
"I like making demands from willing humans. Well, not just humans. I would've bossed Win around. He seemed he'd be into it."
He hadn't shown that kind of authority when with Gabriel and Charlie. He'd just gone with the flow, too starstruck by Kerr experimenting with him to need anything else.
-
Something insecure and scared of losing Ben’s love forever finally shut up when he was told he was his best. It was stupid, because he’d demanded it so how genuine could it be? But it thrilled Kerr all the same - to the point where a strong pulse of love, satisfaction, arrogance and (most of all) relief flared in their blood bond the moment he heard it. Ben didn’t make fun of his insecure little happy flare either, so that was a bonus.
Ben’s admission sobered Kerr and he came out of his silly pose immediately, surprised to have got a sincere answer when he was being over the top. Ben wasn’t the type for pointless frivolity, though. Especially when he was being serious and generously sharing of himself. Intrigued, Kerr bundled himself back against his love so that he was nice and close to his face, his brown eyes glittering with curiosity as he observed his expression up close.
Bossing people around. Huh. He’d been so worried that that light in Ben’s eye had been calculation because he’d be able to score another point against Ichabod, by taking his one and only toy (as far as Kerr knew, anyway. Cub wasn’t much of an experimentalist or overly outgoing but that was mainly because he was so dedicated to his work. He was so much like him that Kerr’s chest burnt with pride just thinking about him). His fledges didn’t have the easiest relationship, even after all these years.
“I love understanding you better,” Kerr prefaced his thoughts, his hold on Ben growing momentarily tighter with a hug of appreciation. “I know he would’ve been into it. He picked you the second he saw you and threw my attention under the bus just to get yours,” Kerr observed, lifting a hand to flick something insignificant away like a human with a fly. He’d seen Win’s response to Ben clearly. Apparently, he was cursed to watch men respond favourably to his amazing partner from right beside - or worse, in between - them forever. Such was the lot of a man in love with a charismatic model.
But he was Ben’s favourite and he coveted that knowledge like a mother with her baby. No, more like a dragon with its hoard. Ooh! A dragon mother with her hoard and a baby that- but he was getting terribly off-topic.
“You’ll do it a lot with our pet, won’t you?” Kerr guessed, his tone advertising his interest. “I think I’ll like being part of that - although, is your goal humiliation or just straight subjugation? And how come you’ve never tried bossing me around, if you like it so much? Is it because I wouldn’t challenge you enough?” Kerr asked guilelessly, aware of how willing he was to comply with Ben’s every request. But if he was told to be contrary, he thought he could do that satisfactorily.
-
Ben quirked a smile as he looked at Kerr, surprised that he had to ask the question.
"Because we don't have that kind of relationship. I don't want to boss you around, I want to be your partner, your equal." It had been the reason Ben had snapped at him in the corridor in the first place. He'd felt like Kerr had taken Ichabod's side and then treated Ben like he'd snatched Ichabod's toy away. Ben's irritation flared again at the timing. Ichabod had ignored Win until he realised someone else was about to play with him.
Kerr would feel that sudden annoyance.
-
Kerr frowned, disoriented by the negative emotion when what Ben had said was positive and rather sweet. He assumed the negative vibration was connected to his feeling that Kerr treated him like an inferior rather than an equal sometimes.
“You are my equal,” Kerr assured him quickly. “But I also think our dynamic is fluid and situational. We take the lead at different times, in different ways. Fundamentally, we’re in this together, even if we take on the dominant role one minute and the subordinate the next. I think that is the true mark of equality; the confidence and flexibility to alternate.”
Out of nowhere, Kerr recalled their discussion of marriage. Two hours ago, he’d have argued vehemently that it was never going to happen because it was just easier remaining apart together, without legal complications. That tended to become your mindset when you’re both contemplating walking away from a situation where it seems love isn’t enough to bind you together.
Now, he was thinking it might happen after all. Love mightn’t have seemed powerful enough to glue them forever but it was when it came connected with honesty, communication and respect. And, yeah, equality, too.
-
Kerr pulled Ben back from his unkind thoughts and he listened to Kerr's agreement and detail. Yes, he could see and understand that.
"Okay, so what does this mean, then? Are we going to call Cain over for a trial night or leave that for a few months until we know for sure how the election panned out?"
Although he'd already resigned himself to losing. It made him feel sad.
-
“Oh, I think definitely call Cain sooner than that,” Kerr answered hastily, trying to sound casual by saying ‘sooner’ but the leap of desire thinking of Cain inspired would be felt easily in their blood bond. “I’m not going to wait that long to watch you boss him around,” he murmured giving Ben a lingering kiss because the thought of watching Ben in action thrilled him.
The thought of walking into a room and finding Ben making Cain suck him off or lick his toes or make him play with himself for Ben’s amusement made Kerr want to touch himself with excitement. He’d never have believed it but the notion of seeing Ben in power thrilled him. Which brought him back to thoughts of the election and the fact he hadn’t expressed his feelings on Ben simply surrendering (too taken by the compliment at the time).
He pulled out of the kiss and looked authoritatively at his love. “We just have to keep it quiet. I can imagine how bitter Jake might get about us having a third in our relationship and I don’t want that to jeopardise your chance of victory. You’ve worked too hard to just lay down. I won’t have it. You didn’t lose me. You made me love you more. That means you’ll win and get all your fantasies coming true at once; me, a pet, a district. Now doesn’t that sound better than defeat?” he hummed teasingly, raising his eyebrows at Ben.
-
Ben stared. "But the election doesn't matter anymore," he reminded Kerr softly. "We're just... giving each other our time, now. Building up the Luminary and Lovebite and the Academy. It's already a lot."
He wasn't going to withdraw from the election though. He still had to publish the announcement of his objectives - his promises? - once he was District Leader (if the cards fell that way), and then send copies to Figueroa. He and Kerr had to hire more people to look after the carnival and put out full page ads in all the supe publications inviting everyone from every district - only the Central members got named invites. He had to make sure that the excess stock of animal blood in the fridges downstairs were okay, and that Digital hadn't gone haywire. He hadn't checked up on the Malkavian in ages and sometimes Digital would go a little weird. He needed Digital to be focussed to keep their security levels high because now that he was running a campaign, Digital had reported more attempts to hack into their systems. He had to visit Zeus, Sabrina and Lan Bao, too. See where they stood.
-
Kerr raised his eyebrows. Ben's softly-spoken words sounded like he really wanted Kerr to convince him that his election dream wasn't dead. He could do that. He hugged him and gave him a quick kiss.
"Sweetheart," he intoned seriously, "that's bullshit. The election still matters. Central District deserves you leading it, you care way too much to turn your back on it. Yes, I love that you want to make our relationship a priority but I feel like... like you'd be denying part of yourself if you stopped now. You want to lead - right?" he pressed.
If Ben genuinely told him he didn't want the district now, Kerr would let it go. But he didn't believe that was what was in Ben's heart.
-
Ben pressed his lips together tightly as relief and gratitude washed over him in waves. "Yeah, I do. But you looked happy when I said for us to let it ride," he replied.
His imagination had him eyeing the crown Jake had on his head and getting a serious case of side-eye, then he leapt for it and the two of them were rolling around slapping and pushing each other's faces while they sought a better hold. Ben snorted at the idea but it put a smile on his face.
He let Kerr share in that, even though he hadn't seen the first imagining. It was funny anyway, though it had a watery feel and look to it that differed from a memory. Ben's imagination wasn't so vivid.
-
Kerr shook his head gently and chuckled at Ben's assessment of what he'd looked like when he'd been told Ben would let the election do as it would. Apparently, he was as good at misinterpreting Kerr's facial expressions tonight as Kerr usually was at mixing up Ben's.
His chuckle became a bray of laughter as the image of Ben and Jake tussling for a crown came to him. From Ben! It wasn't far from actuality in that Kerr believed, if they ever were in the same room, it could easily get that childish. He grinned knowingly at his lover, resisting the urge to mention the lack of blood on Jake's chest. He felt guilty for even considering it.
"I only looked happy because you told me I was worth more to you than your dreams. That was... just... wow. I think that was the biggest compliment you've ever given me," he mused, tapping a finger to his chin and inspecting the ceiling, his tongue prodding the corner of his mouth playfully. He dropped the pose and smiled lovingly at Ben instead.
"I just want you to be happy. I think leading will make you so but as always, the choice is yours."