Best Laid Plans

[Existentially Odd]

The specific wording said more in terms of what was left out than what was actually stated.  Ben liked what was done with his name, but didn\'t approve of everything else.  Kerr hadn\'t expected him to, but he\'d done it for his reasons and he could only hope that, with time and age, Ben would come to understand that.

If life weren\'t filled with complexities and wrenching twists, he wouldn\'t want to still be living it after so long and he\'d done it to show that he was part of his past but none of it was the sum of him.  Not even the only person he\'d ever fallen in love with.  He was labelled, he wasn\'t owned.

"Fair enough," he uttered, giving a curt nod.

It\'s all only skin deep, if you want to look at it that way, but there are depths that nothing physical could ever touch and that\'s where I hold you

The thought was fleeting and heartfelt and he projected it at Ben, wanting at least some of his sentiment to have impact, even if most of his gestures had been, for the most part, unwelcome.  As soon as it was released, though, he felt nervous again and frowned, wanting to distract.  His right hand crossed his body to scratch at his left elbow and stayed there, unconsciously defensive.

"You can go to bed if you want," he offered, "it\'s almost dawn so I figured I might as well stay up and call Mandy to see if she can come over tonight.  I\'d say she\'ll be up soon anyway, think she\'s an early riser usually.  Did you do a load of washing?"  The frown was similar to that of someone woken hastily from a deep sleep, more confused than surly, but it didn\'t abate, nor did his arm drop.

[Trillian]

Ben didn\'t miss the way Kerr was speaking to him, looking at him, holding himself.  Ben was disappointed and so now Kerr was disappointed.  It was strange though, that Kerr would do it all in one night after trying to proclaim how special Ben was to him.

Jealous, am I being jealous?
Shallow?

The thought came at him and he received it through his natural block of secrecy and defensiveness and his expression flickered upon hearing it.  It went toward making Ben feel better but didn\'t cover it all.

He nodded at getting to sleep, for he was suddenly exhausted - as though the mention of bed was a trigger.  The question about his clothes came up, and it was something he\'d been worried about but very smoothly answered.

"When I went out I ended up drinking from a smoker," he said.  "It got in my clothes."  He screwed his nose up and was looking away from Kerr as he said it, for he busied himself with preparing for bed.  Nothing was mentioned about Mandy.

[Existentially Odd]

"You drank again?" Kerr asked, obviously surprised by this news.  He had got into the habit of almost feeding Ben like a parent bird might, to the point where it startled him greatly to think of his fledgling finding sustenance on his own.

It wasn\'t that he thought Ben couldn\'t, it was just... well, Ben never had to so he\'d somehow blocked off all thought of the new vampire hunting for himself.  It also staved off thoughts of how it had been when the youngling hunted with Lazarus, frankly, and Kerr was disturbed by the frisson of unease that thinking about his love drinking from someone he hadn\'t screened caused to pass through him.

"How did that go?" he asked warily, his frown deepening.

[Trillian]

Ben frowned at Kerr\'s pursuit on the topic, not hiding his annoyance at being asked.

"It went just like when I was on my own," he replied, reminding Kerr that he\'d not relied on anybody else to help him feed.  He also thought of Lazarus but refused to travel down that path, hoping Kerr wouldn\'t or he\'d see another side of Ben\'s emotions.

His temper.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr shuffled his feet, wanting to say more on the subject, wanting to drop it.  Ben obviously felt much the same way, for he was indignant at being challenged... the problem was, the elder vampire couldn\'t understand why his fledgling had fed.  Had he not supplied him with enough sustenance earlier in the evening?

"If you were still in need, why didn\'t you say something earlier?  I would\'ve got you someone else," he offered after a few moments\' hesitation, his hand releasing his elbow in order to swing towards Ben in a gesture of appeal.  His tone was congenial and genuinely baffled; he needed Ben\'s answer in order to know better next time.

[Trillian]

Ben shot Kerr an icy stare but moved it back to the bed, which he drew the covers down in order to prepare it for crawling into, then did exactly that, drawing the covers up to his chest and wriggling in further.

"I can take care of myself," he said in a tone that brooked no argument.

[Existentially Odd]

Again, Kerr felt humiliated, though this time he definitely believed he\'d been chastised for his intrusion.  That\'s what it felt like; like he\'d intruded on Ben\'s sensibilities by offering to help him.  He floundered momentarily, wondering if he should apologise for sounding condescending - even though he\'d tried his best not to, he obviously had - and debating whether it would only sound more pompous if he did.

"Sorry," was all he muttered, needing to say it but desperate to make it not such a big deal.  "Sleep well.  I love you," he said, repeating the phrase he said every dawn as they settled down to sleep together, though it was odd not to accompany it with a kiss and to be out of the bed, across the room and not hugging Ben when he said it.  It was a first and not one that he liked, but it was his own doing and somehow... he didn\'t feel particularly invited to approach and touch anyway.

He stood where he was, waiting for his response in kind, debating whether him not approaching the bed and kissing Ben would be construed as offensive regardless, and if they were both too tired to think straight.  His brain had very recently contemplated some ridiculous highs and lows, leaving him feeling ravaged and wishing he could easily backtrack and just fall into bed beside his love anyway.  But he had to call Mandy and... he didn\'t think he could just shrug everything off without some processing, in all honesty.  He felt like he\'d been walking a tightrope ever since he arrived home and it was not a pleasant state of being, let alone conducive to relaxing sleep.

[Trillian]

It took but a fleeting moment:

"I love you too," Ben said, tired and grumpy, hating himself for making Kerr feel like shit but unable to take it all back, it was too much.  Perhaps Kerr would just write it off against Ben\'s youth - something else he hated but right now it would work in his favour.

Without ulterior motive, he turned his head on the pillow in order to see Kerr away from him and reached out a hand for his lover to come over to him and plant a kiss.

[Existentially Odd]

Such a wash of relief travelled through him that Kerr felt almost ridiculous.  If he\'d been a dog, his tail would have wagged, he was so glad to be welcomed to be close to Ben.  Thankfully, all that showed was a little half smile - though his fledgling was likely assaulted by the sensation of his happiness and return to equilibrium through their blood bond as he crawled onto the bed, took Ben\'s hand and enhanced the opportunity presented by laying atop his love and hugging him.

He kissed him wordlessly, breaking the contact gradually by pressing smaller kisses to Ben\'s lips, then his cheeks and forehead.  "I love you," he repeated once he was satisfied, "I\'ll use the phone out in the lounge so I don\'t disturb you.  I\'ll try not to be long," he promised, disentangling himself from his draped position so he could wriggle off the bed (with far less grace than he\'d got on) and head out to the other half of the house, as promised.  His smile was far more genuine as he left the room at last.

The shutters had long since come down and dawn was about on them, meaning that Ben would likely not be able to resist sleeping anyway, but it was a courtesy he felt compelled to offer.  Besides, though he felt better about getting back into bed once his phone call was done, he still had some things to think through and it felt right that he should retreat for that to happen.

~*~

When Kerr\'s eyes opened, he lay still and gave some thought to why he wasn\'t feeling like he always did when he awoke... why he wasn\'t... content.  He\'d begun to get used to waking up happy with Ben in his arms but for some reason tonight... and then it came to him, quite suddenly.  He glanced down at his own chest to where Ben\'s name was visible at an awkward angle and recalled the events of the evening past, followed by the tiring morning of rumination.

He hadn\'t come to any earth shattering conclusions (unfortunately), for he couldn\'t be entirely certain about Ben\'s motivations behind the way he\'d acted, but he\'d made some guesses anyway.  Regarding his tattoos; Ben didn\'t feel he was special enough, despite the fact that Kerr had put most thought and effort into his namesakes (he was gradually becoming a hairless creature with all his body art and his request to keep some chest hair - rather than shaving as had happened with all the rest - had made the one tattoo take longer than all the rest combined, meaning Ben got more than his share of attention from them).  Regarding their spat before bed; it was likely a carryover from the tattoo awkwardness but Kerr felt there was a lot of unspoken Lazarus stuff beneath it, too.

Therein lay his dilemma.

Just because Ben could feed on his own... he simply didn\'t.  Until last night, when left to his own devices.  He\'d not answered any probing Kerr had done with regard to hunger, which led the sire to conclude that perhaps his fledgling had sought something else in feeding again; some independence from him... or was there more to it?  It scared him that perhaps Ben was looking for a thrill in feeding alone that he didn\'t get with Kerr supplying him with placid victims, even if he participated in an effort to strengthen their bond.

That was what worried him and was the one conclusion he\'d drawn while sitting through the sunrise, waiting to call Mandy.  He was going to have to grit his teeth (figuratively, for it wouldn\'t do to advertise his reluctance over the whole thing when he was trying to be fair) and offer Ben a bit more freedom.  He also desperately wanted to know the connection that offer might have to Lazarus and Ben\'s experiences with him, but he would do his best not to ask, since they still hadn\'t broached the subject at length - and he wasn\'t keen to, the day before they left for Europe, either.  Unless his mouth got the better of him.

With an impatient frown at his own uncertainty, Kerr rolled over in the bed - he\'d been laying on his left side, facing the balcony - to see where Ben was at.  True to his prediction, he had woken later than usual - almost an hour later - and he was fearful that his fledgling would have left the apartment and gone to feed without him having a chance to talk about it.  After all his thinking, that would really suck.

[Trillian]

Ben had woken first this time and lain in bed for a few minutes before deciding to have a shower instead of waiting for Kerr to wake up.  He managed to have it, brush his teeth, dry his hair, get dressed and stare at Kerr for a bit before he could feel a kind of double awareness, and knew that his sire was coming into consciousness.  He closed his eyes and focussed on that sensation, for it was new to him - he\'d never really paid attention to it, and couldn\'t because he\'d always ever woken second.

When Kerr shifted, the sheets made a subtle whisking sound of flesh against cotton and he opened his eyes to look at Kerr looking at him.  He supposed it was a bit odd for him to be standing next to the dresser staring at his sire without movement or motivation.

"Evening," he said, in replacement of morning, then hastily left the room to sit out in the lounge.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked, opened his mouth and then Ben was gone.  His frown deepened and he was disappointed to note that the awkwardness with which they\'d fallen asleep was characteristic of their behaviour some ten hours later, as well.  He got up and made the bed, debating about going after his fledgling immediately or showering... or even dressing.  Finding he was barely patient enough to get the bed made by himself though, he finished the task hastily and walked out to the lounge naked.

"Evening," he said as he entered the large room, smoothng his expression so that he wasn\'t frowning so darkly.  Spying Ben on the couch, he went and sat beside him, watching the blonde intently to see where his gaze travelled, to try and read from his body language what his opinion on being joined was.  If he was too obviously opposed to his presence, Kerr decided he would go and take that shower after all.

"Sorry I slept in; it was late before I spoke to Mandy.  She\'ll be around in a bit over an hour, I\'d say," he informed his fledgling, sliding an arm along the back of the couch and swivelling his body slightly so that he could face Ben and keep watching him all the better.  The fact that he was sprawling along the leather seat in all his glory was certainly the last thing on his mind.  "Are you... " he began but hesitated, unsure whether he should phrase his question subtly or blatantly, "very hungry?" he finished, opting for subtly in the end.

[Trillian]

Kerr being naked didn\'t surprise Ben at all, but waiting for a minute had.  He\'d expected to be followed immediately after and was grateful for the moment alone that he\'d had.  More would\'ve been nice too.  If Kerr had showered that would\'ve given him enough time to collect himself.

When Kerr sat Ben glanced over at him and took in his naked form momentarily before meeting his eyes again, that pale stare driving deep into Kerr\'s brown eyes.  Ben had always been one to stare unblinking and now with his eerie gaze it was a lot more obvious to those he watched.  His position remained unchanged on the sofa - facing forward, feet apart, hands in lap holding each other, though now his head was turned toward Kerr instead of facing forward.  He didn\'t tense up but he didn\'t open up either.

Ben blinked at him when the question was asked.  Inside him he could feel his stomach lurch at Kerr\'s insistence over this topic.  It both upset him and infuriated him - this was much worse than the tattoo issue.  No longer was it about hiding the truth about Ichabod either, for Ben had shoved that matter all the way down in the back of his mind and locked it up so that he didn\'t even have to see it.  No, it was the fact he\'d fed on his own that was apparently so devastating.

"I\'m always thirsting.  I\'m a fledgling.  You won\'t ever slake it."  He kept his statements short and his tone as bland as possible, as though this was something that Kerr might not have known for himself.  He shook his head as if to reinforce the fact that such a thing could not be done.  Ben had learned to live with it by now though, and the blood provided to him was always enough to take the edge of for the whole night, but Ben spoke truth - there was always that nagging requirement for more.

[Existentially Odd]

"Am I... " Kerr began, then broke off.  Deciding it wasn\'t the way to begin, he revised to: "Do I... " but found he\'d met with another false start.  His frown was back and he hated the way things were so strained; he wanted the awkwardness gone.

"Do you want to hunt on your own?" he blurted out, settling on the core of it.

[Trillian]

Ben\'s perspective changed a little on this question.  Was Kerr maybe feeling inept or unnecessary?  Ben didn\'t think he was but at the same time there was an opportunity to talk about the direction they were headed.  There was training, practise, learning... what was the difference in hunting?

"You make it really easy, and I appreciate it, but I can\'t be a baby bird forever."

Ben shifted a little, so that he was turned slightly towards his sire.

[Existentially Odd]

"So I\'m crowding you," he mumbled, lowering his gaze in an attempt to hide the hurt Ben\'s words roused.  Sure he couldn\'t be a baby bird forever but fuck... it\'d only been a few weeks they\'d been together.  He and Sawyl had hunted together for years, until Kerr couldn\'t stand the occasional lashes of violence any more.

The thought brought images of Lazarus forth to further lash at him and the wave of helplessness - buoyed by rage - he experienced was savage enough to keep him staring downwards and clenching his jaw together (literally, after all) until his teeth ached.  He didn\'t understand why Ben wanted to hunt separately from him and confusion floated the whole boat of his emotions; they had different enough interests as it was, the one thing they definitely had in common was feeding, why did he want to spoil that already?