aftermath and insomniacs

[ravery]

Ever since he was a child, Julius had never really taken to this whole \'sleeping\' business. He\'d always wanted to stay up, to wander around the house, to explore. The night was far too interesting to spend indoors, and he couldn\'t understand why the maids and his parents were always at his heels, snapping at him to get back into his room and stay put.  There were things to see, sounds to investigate. The manor, whilst familiar in the day, was strange and ghostlike after dark, shadows twisting and merging with themselves to form bizarre, creeping monsters. To a child, it was like a whole new world, and the endless possibilities would tick over in Julius\'s mind like clockwork, making it impossible for him to get to sleep.

He grew out of it, though. Well, sort of. During his time in the army, he\'d been forced to develop pattern in which he\'d spend his days on his feet and his nights in a mind-numbing sort of exhaustion. It wasn\'t especially comfortable, but it was necessary if he wanted to stay alive, and it came with a strange sense of satisfaction that followed him through his travels, even after he\'d technically left the regimental life. He found that if he stayed busy during the day that his mind would eventually settle, leaving him able to catch more than only a few hours each night. And, of course, there was always the occasional bed partner to provide a certain distraction. They always made nights interesting, in any case.

Of course, if he was forced to break that pattern, he was left right back where he started. Only now that he was older and wiser (though the latter was questionable), his insomnia was less of a wonder and more of a frustration.

Sighing and dropping his head back against the pillows, Julius shifted under the sheets for the upteenth time in the attempt to get comfortable. Rubbing the heel of his palms against his forehead, the knight made a face at himself, before shaking his head, squeezing his eyes closed, trying to  convince his body that getting to sleep would actually be a good thing in the long run.

Unfortunately, his body tended to disagree with him on that fact, and the day he\'d just had was not helping in the slightest. He\'d visited Lord Dubhdara\'s manor in the hope that the other man would be able to shed some light onto how Julius should handle Dee and the boy\'s... activities with the local medics. What he\'d ended up with instead was a bleeding, terrified squire,  a half-mad Lord snarling at him, and a decidedly unexpected insight into the Dubdhara family line.

Opening his eyes again and staring up at the shadows on the canopy of his bed, Julius exhaled slowly, resigning himself to yet another sleepless night. With both his own father\'s illness and Dee\'s situation in mind, he doubted very much that he would get any form of rest at all.

Talon help him, what a day it had been.

[w0rmy]

Julius wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep. Dee sighed heavily. He couldn’t sleep. Normally, he was a very good sleeper. On average, it only took him about ten-fifteen minutes to get to sleep or even quicker after certain, ah, ‘activities’. He shifted over so that his belly met the mattress but that didn’t help at all. It wasn’t any more comfortable than the last position. Oh well, at least he could thumb his pillow easily now.

After playing with the corner of his pillow for about ten minutes, the boy threw off the blankets. Dee propped himself up into a sitting position and gingerly touched his black eye. The swelling had increased, it felt disgusting to touch. He couldn’t possibly imagine what it would look like and just thinking about it drove shivers up his spine. Dee then looked down at his bandaged hand, wincing a little. The memory of his father was still clear in his mind, but then again, who could forget that easily?

Dee ran his fingers through his hair, pulling away any wild strands and finally, stood up. He looked around the moonlight room, wondering what he should do. What was there to do? Prance around in the moonlight? Sure, the thought was tempting but he felt far too tired to do such a thing. And anyway, Doctor Galen advised against such wild activity. Dee placed a finger upon his chin and wondered if Julius was still awake. It wouldn’t hurt to have a little peek into the knight’s room now, would it? Dee slowly opened his door and to his displeasure, the hinges creaked rather loudly. He looked around frantically but thankfully, no one came running with a candle. Without wasting any more time, he tip toed out of the guest room and towards Julius’s, praying desperately to Talon that no one would randomly appear.

Talon had answered his wishes, it seemed that no one had heard the door creak and everyone was indeed asleep. Upon reaching his knights door, Dee paused, his hand clutching the handle. Would it be right to disturb Julius, especially in the middle of the night? Going along with his impulses, Dee opened the door and peaked inside and to his pleasant surprise, Julius was awake! Or either, having a terrible nightmare…

“Julius?”

[ravery]

Bolting up at the sound of the door creaking, Julius swore as he smacked the back of his head on the way up, wincing and rubbing at the offended area as he struggled to sit up. Despite his inability to get to sleep and his own prior tendency to creep around the manor at the dead of night, he certainly hadn\'t been expecting anyone to do the same. And the last thing he expected was for someone to actually creep into his room. Keeping a hand pressed to the back of his head, he peered through the darkness before blinking as a familiar voice called out. Was that Dee? What the hell was that boy doing up?

“Dee?” he said quietly, shifting and settling back against the headboard of his bed as his eyes slowly grew used to the dark. “\'s that you?”

Relaxing a little when he saw that it was, Julius sighed, running his fingers through his hair for a moment before going to push the sheets away, swinging his legs over to the side of his bed to get up. He paused, considering lighting a candle, before deciding against it. There was enough natural light coming through the curtains for him to be able to see.

[w0rmy]

“Yes.” Dee opened the door before quickly closing it once more. It shut with a quick snap, hopefully it wouldn’t wake anyone in the vicinity. Then again, no one had woken when his door had creaked. “It’s me.” This room was bigger (naturally, this was Julius’s bedroom after all) and unfortunately, a lot more light. The boy suddenly became self conscious over his appearance and ultimately regretted coming forth. He didn’t want Julius to see his black eye, he didn’t want to be viewed as ugly or hideous. Dee bit his lip, perhaps it would be wise to return to his room and forget the whole thing, even if it met a restless night.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Dee stood rooted on the stop, his hand resting upon the handle, unsure what to do. “I guess I’m not the only one who couldn’t sleep tonight.” He smiled a little but it hurt his face doing that.  Oh Talon, what did this bruise look like? The curiosity was killing the boy! But at the same time, he didn’t want to look. Did it look as bad as it felt? Dee felt like asking Julius’s opinion but decided to keep his mouth shut.  For now, anyway.

Dee thumbed the end of his blouse. It was something that the boy did out of habit, usually when either nervous or irritated. He would wait for Julius to ask for him to come over or ask for the boy to leave. Either one would suit Dee just fine but, hopefully it would be the first. After all, he was quite bored.

[ravery]

Stretching slightly to try and work some feeling back into his legs, Julius started as the  door was closed with a sharp snap. The sound was strangely loud in the quiet, as if everything had been amplified twice over. Sighing softly, the knight made a face at himself. He knew he was jumpy, and he knew why- the day Julius just had was probably the worst he\'d experienced in a long while- but then again, self-awareness didn\'t really help much when it felt like someone had unleashed a swarm of restless beetles into his chest.

Shaking his head absently, Julius ran a hand through his hair again, pushing it out of his eyes before settling back against the edge of the bed and frowning a little at the tone of Dee\'s voice. The squire sounded rather odd, and he highly doubted the boy would  have even bothered disturbing him if there wasn\'t something wrong. Sitting up a little straighter, Julius tilted his head, watching as the shadows shifted around the boy\'s form. Well, of course there was something wrong- the boy had just been beaten within an inch of his life by his own father. Pulling another face at himself, Julius bit the inside of his lip out of habit. It was stupid of him to think that Dee would be just fine after going through that.

“Yes, I can see that,” he said with a slight smile, watching as the squire hovered by the doorway. “Is there any particular reason for this visit?”

He reached over towards his bedside table for a hair tie as his eyes grew more accustomed to the shadows, and was in the process of tying back his hair to stop it from falling into his face when he caught sight of the bruising on Dee\'s face. He\'d known the boy was going to have a rather spectacular black eye but- Talon damn it, he hadn\'t expected the bruising to be that severe. Cursing softly under his breath again, Julius abandoned the tie, sitting up a little before holding out a hand to the boy, gesturing for him to come forward. “Hey. Come over here.”

[w0rmy]

Dee pulled some locks to one side of his face, attempting to hide the hideous black eye. Even though it may look a little bit silly, it did conceal the wound successfully. Or at least, the boy hoped so. He wouldn’t know what to do if Julius made a comment about it and once again prayed to Talon he wouldn’t burst into tears again. About an hour so ago, when Dee had first attempted to sleep, there had been wave of tears. Not matter how many times he palmed them away, they just kept on flowing.
   
Dee opened his mouth but snapped it shut again. He shouldn’t have been thinking about crying, he felt like doing it again. Talon, damn it! Dee stopped playing with the end of this blouse, letting his hands drop. It felt like being back at the stables, it felt awkward being with Julius again.

Dee’s hazel eye brightened upon seeing Julius’s gesture (his other eye was hidden under the lock of hair) and moved slowly forward. As he drew closer towards the knight, he fiddled with his hair a bit more. Dee did not want Julius to see the black eye, he feared that it might disgust the man. He sure knew that he felt disgusted with the wound, more than the puncture marks on the back of his hand! Dee sat down on the bed, quite a distance from Julius, it was quite obvious the boy didn’t want him seeing the black eye.

“Jules.” Dee muttered, running his hands along his thighs. He winced a little when he accidentally applied pressure to his sore hand. “A reason for this visit?” He had just remembered that Julius previously asked a question and it had totally been ignored. “No. There isn’t much of a reason, I suppose. I just can’t sleep.”

[ravery]

Taking care not to make any sudden movements, Julius smiled as Dee hesitated for a moment before doing as he was asked. The knight\'s stomach did a rather sharp twist when the boy attempted to cover up his black eye with his fringe- it was apparent from Dee\'s body language that he didn\'t want Julius seeing it- and waiting till the boy was close enough, Julius reached his hand up a little higher to brush Dee\'s hair away from his face.

Even in the shadows, the bruise was still painfully obvious. The swelling had increased a little since he\'d sent the boy to bed, and biting the inside of his lip, Julius dropped his hand, not wanting to make Dee uncomfortable. He still had a rather hard time wrapping his head around the fact that it was the boy\'s father who had done something so horrible to him, despite knowing full well that abuse within families was not as rare as he\'d previously believed. The bandages on Dee\'s other hand, where Lord Dubhdara had stabbed him, were lit up in contrast to the rest of the boy, the linen seeming almost luminous in the dark. Settling back and shifting absently to give the boy a little more space, Julius sighed softly, watching as his squire fidgeted.

As worried as he was about the boy, and as upset as Dee must undoubtedly be, he was never very good at this whole comfort thing and felt rather strange, having Dee in his quarters. He wasn\'t entirely sure what his squire needed, or what was expected of him in a situation like this, as he\'d never really had to deal with something like this before. It was... well, awkward wasn\'t really the right word, but it was the only one that came to mind. Making a face at himself, Julius frowned, pressing the heel of his palm against his forehead in the attempt to get his thoughts back in order, before tilting his head and looking back over at the squire.

"Ah," he began, and blinked at how stilted his voice sounded. "Uhm. Well. Is there anything I can do to help, then?"

[w0rmy]

Even though Dee was perfectly aware that Julius wouldn’t hurt him, he still flinched when the hand came by his face. The memory of his father’s fist was still, of course, very clear. Quickly, he pulled the hair back so that is once again, hid half of his face. He found it quite hard to talk to Julius, let alone talk. Instead, he kicked his feet like when a child does on a swing, demanding to be pushed by their parents. Dee sure felt like a child now, not know what to say or do.

“Uhm.” Dee bit his lip, looking up towards the ceiling. “I dunno.” He shrugged and stopped kicking, his hand clenched the bed sheets tightly. His eyes were becoming hot again and before any tears could flow, he wiped them away. He didn’t want to cry in front of his knight… again. That would just be too embarrassing. “I can’t sleep. It’s too boring just lying in my bed. I felt like talking.” Dee finally dared to look up at Julius, thankfully, no tears came forth.

“You-you don’t mind me talking do you?” He asked slowly, “Would rather it if I left?” Dee didn\'t want to leave. He wanted to talk, it didn\'t matter what it was about. He just wanted to make conversation with Julius. He would feel more normal if they could talk, oh and less stressed too.

[ravery]

Wincing a little as the boy flinched, Julius dropped his hands, settling them in his lap and watching the boy as best he was able given the lack of light. If Dee didn\'t want him seeing the bruise, then he wouldn\'t press it. Julius knew how much the boy valued his looks, and the fact that his father had struck his face must have come as a doubly hard blow. Settling back against the headboard of his bed, the knight frowned slightly, feeling the bed thrumming slightly under him with vibrations from Dee\'s kicks. The boy seemed especially young right now, and the fact that Dee seemed to almost avoid looking at him twisted Julius\'s stomach into knots. He couldn\'t understand why this sort of stuff always seemed to happen whenever he came home, and he was hit with a sudden longing to be away, to ride several hundred miles past the last of the borders and to escape all of this stifling claustrophobia.

Shoving that feeling down, Julius dropped his head back. To want that would be selfish, and he wouldn\'t allow that to happen.
He couldn\'t help but smile when the boy spoke, even if Dee\'s voice was still a little too shaky for his own comfort. Shrugging slightly and shaking his head, Julius pushed the hair back out of his own face, making a face at his fringe and sighing softly, tucking it back as best he was able. "Of course I don\'t mind, Dee," he said, tugging his legs back up and crossing them under him, trying to work some feeling back into his lower body.

"I can\'t really sleep either, to be honest. What\'s on your mind? Is your hand bothering you?"

[w0rmy]

Dee chewed his tongue, hating how he was acting. The kicking had stopped, he thought it may annoy the man so instead, he thumbed the end of his blouse. He tucked on leg underneath him while keeping the other firmly on the ground.

Dee started with the question that Julius had supplied, he had not expected it. He attempted to clench his fist but it hurt too much. He tugged at the bandage, making a little bit tighter. He didn’t want to bleed all over Julius’s lovely dwelling. “No,” Dee answered curtly. He didn’t mean it to sound so rude but the question annoyed him. Of course, he had things on his mind! Why wouldn’t he? So much had happened tonight, it was quite hard to believe that it actually took place.

“Why did you come to father’s manor tonight?” Dee asked, resting both hands upon his thighs, looking rather intently at Julius. “He didn’t even know who you were. I thought he would have by now… I would have at last thought someone told him.” He paused, biting his bottom lip, “Of course they did. He just forgot.” Dee fell forward into his knees, covering his face with his hands. To his great his great displeasure, new tears had formed.

[ravery]

Blinking in surprise at the sharpness of Dee\'s voice, Julius raised his eyebrows. He hadn\'t meant to offend the boy but clearly the question had been a wrong move. Biting the inside of his lip, he settled back, watching as the boy fiddled with his bandages. Whilst he doubted it was a very good idea for Dee to be adjusting the linen, Julius knew it couldn\'t possibly be comfortable, and he figured it was probably better to just leave his squire to do whatever he pleased. It was his own body, after all.

"Sorry," he said, his voice a little flatter than he was intending. Julius never really was very good at talking to people who weren\'t roughly around the same age as him.

Shifting a little uncomfortably, he blinked again as Dee seemed to buckle, rather surprised at the emotion suddenly being shown. Given the boy\'s abruptness just before, the knight wasn\'t at all expecting for Dee to crumble like that, and the slumping of the squire\'s shoulders made something in Julius\'s chest twist a little with guilt. "Uhm," he began a little awkwardly, running his fingers through his hair out of habit.

"Uhm. Well, I... I wanted to talk to him about you, actually. I was quite worried about you and your, uh. Your social life."

[w0rmy]

Dee sobbed however attempted to hide the sounds beneath his palms. Why did he have to cry? Now? Normally, when Dubhdara beats him, he never cried. Well, sometimes he did but not like this.

“My social life?” Dee repeated slowly, wiping away any stray tears. Ever since he told Julius about sleeping with Galen, he hoped desperately that this question wouldn’t be asked. But of course, it was only foolish to hope like that. Of course Julius was going to ask, he was Dee’s knight therefore had custody of the boy.

“I don’t think you would be happy if you heard what kind of stuff I got up to.” Dee pulled wet strands of hair out of his face,  “But I’ll tell you everything…  if you want.” The boy crossed his legs, an attempt to get more comfortable. “You will not be happy.” The boy repeated, biting his bottom lip.

[ravery]

Feeling his chest tighten a little more at the sounds Dee was making, Julius bit the inside of his lip, moving to sit up. He had no idea what to do to make the boy feel any better, and despised feeling as useless as he did. Pausing for a second, he then shifted, pushing away from the headboard of his bed to move closer. He didn\'t want to crowd the boy, but hated seeing him this upset. And he especially hated knowing that he\'d played a part in making the boy feel this way.

Opening his mouth to ask Dee if there was anything he could do, Julius blinked as the boy dropped his hands away from his face. The look on Dee\'s face was strange, unreadable in the dark, and Julius was suddenly not entirely sure if he really wanted to know what the boy did during his free time.

Hesitating for a moment more, Julius then nodded, watching the boy quietly. If Dee was going to tell him the truth once and for all, he might as well listen to what the boy had to say, even if he was more than unsure about it.

"I think it would be best," he said as gently as he possibly could. "I doubt I\'m going to be much help if I have no idea what the problem is."

[w0rmy]

“Okay.” Dee sniffled a last time. He wasn’t sure how Julius wasn’t going to react to this, he knew it was going to be a good one at least. “Okay.” He repeated, rubbing his good hand along is thigh rather roughly. It was quite difficult planning it out, without making it sound too… ‘bad’. In the end, Dee just decided to tell it how it was. Just the good old brutal truth, as some say.

Dee fell back down onto the mattress, tilting his head slightly so his eyes met the others. He wanted to get comfortable. “Jules.” He used Julius’s pen name, hopefully it would sway the knight’s disappointment and possibly, rage. “Please don’t hate me after I tell you this.” Dee twirled the end of his hair with his index finger, absently staring at the ceiling.

“You know how I slept with Galen? Well, he wasn’t the first man I’ve slept with. All together I’ve slept with.” The boy paused, trying to remember the exact number. “I’ve slept with eleven people over the past year and half. It’s quite surprising to find out how many men like young boys. But, I have slept with some males who were many age, Blake for example. You met him at father’s manor. I-I can name all the men’s names if you like, I remember them all. The first one was a merchant, his name was Wilfred Kerly, twenty six years old…”

The list went on and on, or at least it did in Dee’s mind. After saying every name he stopped, resting his hands on his chest. “I sometimes do ‘things’ with other squire boys. It doesn’t require ‘sleeping’ either. We practice, you know what I mean?” Dee looked up at Julius, fearing what the man\'s response may be.

[ravery]

As Dee spoke, Julius\'s expression slowly began to harden, mouth tightening at the edges and eyes narrowing. Listening to Dee as he counted off the names, the knight drew back into the darkness, settling back against the headboard of his bed and watching his squire with a decidedly new take on the boy.

He was... He had... Dee couldn\'t have possibly done all the things he\'d said he\'d done but- no, the boy had said he\'d tell him the truth, and he had asked, and there it was. The truth. In a fucking, Gods damned list.

Clenching his fists, Julius felt his face flush despite his best efforts to keep himself under control. He wasn\'t just angry with the boy, he was humiliated, because not only had the boy gone and put his family\'s reputation in jeopardy, he had allowed Julius to make a fool of himself in public on several occasions. Talon damn him, he had struck that doctor in the middle of the market place! He had treated the other man appallingly, and with no other reason than the thought that he might have taken advantage of the boy, when it was clear to Julius now that it had been the exact opposite.

Fuck, this would require a formal apology. Julius hated those.

"I see," he said, coldly. Watching the boy for a moment more, Julius then moved to push himself up, finding it rather difficult to stay as close as he was to the boy. He was still worried about him- of course he was, the squire had just been brutally beaten by his own father- but it was hard to look at Dee in the same way now that he knew what the boy was really like.

"Dubhdara, I appreciate your honesty. However, you realize that behaviour is unacceptable for a person in your position, don\'t you?"

[w0rmy]

Just as Dee had predicted, Julius was not happy. The man looked to be seething but it was hard to tell in such light. He wished there was a candle but then Dee remembered his black eye. A frustrated sigh escaped his lips and the boy propped himself up into a sitting position.

Julius’s words struck Dee like knives. He had not expected the man’s words to be so cold and icy, it hurt a lot. Out of all people, he thought Julius would have understood. The knight seemed to be like such a caring character but then again, it wasn’t as if Dee knew the man well. Or perhaps, if at all! He ran his fingers along his toes and bit his tongue hard, afraid of talking just in case he might let something slip. Dubhdara. Julius had actually used his full name, it sent a horrible twang through out his body. Oh Talon, how he abhorred the name.

Dee lips parted but nothing came out. He didn’t know what to say, there was such shame burning his body… no, it wasn’t the shame of sleeping with eleven men but the fact he had upset Julius. Dee combed his fingers through his hair, looking down at the moon lit floor.

“No one…” Dee spoke slowly, licking his lips. They were very dry. Strange. “No one has ever told me it was unacceptable. My father did all that time, he still does it. Is it really that bad? I don’t think it is. I don’t want to be with some filthy woman. I hate women.” His voice had suddenly turned darker, meaner and older. One wouldn’t imagine it belonged to a fifteen year old boy. “Anyway, it’s not as if I’m going to be a high ranking knight. I’m hardly religious and I’m not all about Oberon-pride.” Dee half shrugged, prodding his toes with his index finger.

[ravery]

Raising an eyebrow at the boy\'s justifications, Julius snorted softly, watching Dee for a moment more before shaking his head, turning to light his bedside candles. Striking the flint, he lit up the wicks before lifting the candle holder a little to cast more illuminance over his room. The light, whilst weak and flickering, was enough for him to be able to see Dee properly, and... well. Alright, so the boy at least looked contrite, but then again, he had looked the same way when Julius had met him in the stables, and look where that had left him.

Rubbing a hand over his jaw absently and keeping a grip on the candle holder with his other hand, he sighed, doing his best to ignore the guilty, twisting feeling in his chest at the way the boy was just staring at him. So maybe he\'d been a colder than he probably should have been, but he couldn\'t help but feel betrayed by Dee\'s actions. It was as if the boy didn\'t even care about the ramifications of his behaviour, or how it affected people beyond the simple pleasure of sex.

There was also, of course, the mortification of realizing that he had been completely wrong about Dee\'s character. Whilst he\'d known the boy had always been rather tactile, Julius had never even thought that the boy would be so... Promiscuous. It was as there had been wool pulled down over his eyes for the past two years, and the realization that he had been fooled for so long was painfully humiliating.

Gods, he could only imagine what would happen if either one of his parents found out. He was certain his father would have a conniption at the thought of their precious reputation being threatened by something like this.

Shaking that thought off, Julius looked down at the boy for a moment more before breathing out slowly and going to light up the rest of the candles in his room. He listened to Dee\'s statement about women and about Oberon pride with increasing concern, and, as he lit the last candle, with a decidedly significant amount of resentment.

"So... what," he said, as he turned to face his squire finally, eyes still narrowed. "You think everything I\'ve been doing for you is a complete waste of time, then?"

[w0rmy]

It felt like his heart had dropped to his stomach. Dee hated seeing Julius like this but the same time, he had no remorse for his actions.  And the boy knew, he would do it again and again… unless of course, Julius kept him under a strict super vision and followed him everywhere however that, seemed unlikely.  The man was always traveling so he didn’t have enough time for the boy. Dee suddenly remembered that he agreed to go with Julius the next time he went on a trip. That probably wouldn’t be happening anymore, Julius seemed too angry.

“Well…” Dee spoke slowly, trying to contain his emotions. Previously he had been felling a vast amount of shame but now anger had been added to the mixture.  Well, perhaps anger wasn’t the right word… perhaps frustration? “It’s not as if you haven’t done a lot, it’s simply the fact you haven’t been here.” Dee shifted, he wanted to look directly into the opposing grey eyes. “That might be the reason I’m so fucked up, huh?” However, as soon as that was said, Dee immediately regretted it.

[ravery]

Just as Julius was starting to consider maybe easing up on the boy, there came... that. Well, damn him if that wasn\'t one of the most blatantly manipulative things he\'d ever heard. Narrowing his eyes, the knight set the candle holder down before folding his arms over his chest, watching Dee quietly as his mouth tightened into a frown, ignoring the slight twinge in his stomach at the boy\'s words. As aware as he was that yes, he probably hadn\'t been home as often as he should have, the fact that Dee would actually try and shift the blame onto him? He\'d thought higher of the boy than that.

"That wasn\'t very subtle, boy," he said quietly, watching as Dee shifted. "You might want to practice a little more before trying that sort of shit with me."

He lifted an eyebrow as the look on his squire\'s face changed from one of sullen rebellion to shame, unsure if it was simply the light playing tricks on him or if the boy really was feeling regret. Given what had just happened, Julius was forced to decide that it was former. After all, he\'d already been proven wrong about the boy twice now, and to allow himself to be fooled again would be, well. Ridiculous.

"If you genuinely feel that way, you are more than welcome to leave." he continued. "You know where the door is. I\'m sure you have many friends who would be willing to take you in."

[w0rmy]

Even though Julius had suggested for him to leave, Dee stayed rooted on the spot. If he left now, there would be no one else to turn to. He couldn’t relay on anyone else for support, his father was completely out of the question and as for his relatives in Ireland? It wasn’t as if he had met them, the only Pencawr he knew was his father. The man never bothered introducing Dee to his family, he said it would be a waste of time and money. “I’m sorry, Sir.” Dee looked down towards the ground, biting his bottom lip hard.

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, looking up at the man before him, not really caring if the light brought out his black eye. For once, Dee didn’t give a shit about his looks, the only thing he gave a shit about was Julius. “I don’t honestly think like that, I really don’t.” Dee paused and sniffed, oh Talon. “If I left, I don’t have anyone else. I can’t return to my father, I don’t know any family in Ireland… even if they did, why would they want me? Who would want a failed squire?” The boy shrugged, “And you would be surprised how many of those ‘friends’ would turn me down. I’m just a fuck to them, nothing more.”

[ravery]

A small part of Julius was rather surprised at how mercenary he\'d just sounded, and wondered if maybe this was how it all started for his parents, their lack of patience developing into something cold and permanent. Watching the boy quietly, Julius frowned slightly. This... distance he was feeling was rather worrying. He never wanted to end up like his parents, but was slowly starting to realize that maybe they hadn\'t been born that way but instead, developed it as a method of handling people.

Not that he thought that was acceptable, of course. As much as he loved them (and he did love them, for all of his resentment), Julius knew if he began thinking like that, he\'d end up exactly like the both of them, and he didn\'t want that.
Tilting his head and watching as the candles cast their light over the boy\'s bruised face, Julius felt something just behind his solar plexus waver a little. Dee was... still young, after all. It\'s not like Julius never made any mistakes when he was his squire\'s age, even if it was never anything like this.

Pausing for a moment, the knight sighed softly, running his fingers through his hair before nodding and turning his back on his squire. He reached over for one of his travel bags, undoing the catch and looking through its contents for a bottle of spirits he\'d picked up on one of his trips, before snagging a glass from his desk. The bottle opened with a dull pop as he twisted the lid off, and pouring himself a drink, Julius finally turned back to his squire, settling against the edge of his desk to watch the boy.

“I should hope you don\'t honestly think that, Dee,” he said, before raising his glass to his mouth to drink, wincing a little at the slow, steady burn of the alcohol traveling downwards. “I\'d be terribly disappointed if you did."

Wiping at the rim of his glass absently, he watched the boy for a moment more before his mouth twitched into a smile. "Even if you are a royal pain in the arse sometimes.”

[w0rmy]

Dee rubbed his hand over his neck, then along the contour of his shoulder. His lips were pouted, a habit which he caught off Blake. The image of Blake suddenly came into mind. Dee felt terrible for leaving the boy alone with his father. The idea of an embrace didn’t even come to mind! He sighed, resting both hands on his knees and looked intently up at Julius.

The man was silent. Dee feared that his behaviour would get him kicked out, never being able to return. His suspicions, however, were clearly wrong upon hearing Julius’s response. It felt like a light had been lifted, it was a wonderful feeling. Julius even offered a small smile, Dee gladly returned it. Even though it hurt to smile, he would endure to pain.

“So…” Dee started out slowly, choosing his words carefully. He didn’t want to say anything stupid. Again. “Thank you, Julius… I’m sorry about my behaviour but you shouldn’t worry. It’s not as if anyone is going to be bragging about having sex with a fifteen year old boy, right?” The corners of his lips twitched. “So, I highly doubt your family’s name is going to be put to shame… just look at my father. He still is rich. Even when mother set fire to the- nevermind.” Dee turned away. He had almost told Julius about his mother. He didn’t want anyone to know about his mothers… odd tendencies.

[ravery]

Resisting the urge to snicker a little at the look on Dee\'s face, Julius went back to his drink, adjusting his hold on the glass absently. Was the boy seriously pouting? Julius normally equated that expression with sullen children or women who were trying to be sultry and seductive, but seeing it on a boy\'s face just made Julius want to laugh. Setting his glass down again, Julius watched as his squire settled both hands on his knees, relaxing a little as Dee returned his smile.  He settled against the edge of the desk and ignored the small voice in the back of his mind warning him about being fooled by the boy again, despite knowing full well that there was always the possibility that he was just allowing himself to slide back into the same old patterns.

He shifted as Dee spoke up again, raising an eyebrow at the boy\'s apology. Whilst he wasn\'t entirely sure if his squire fully understood the extent of the damage he could cause,  at least Dee sounded like he was starting to give it some thought. “... That\'s beside the point, Dee,” he said quietly, watching the boy from where he was settled against his desk. “I\'m sure you\'re going to disagree with me here, but I can\'t help but feel you\'re just a little too young to be... involved with people in that way.”

Blinking at his squire\'s mention of his own mother, Julius\'s eyebrows shot up. Fire? What on earth? “Uhm. Sorry, I don\'t think I heard you correctly. What was that about your mother?”

[w0rmy]

Dee absently played with a loose string on his pants. They were old but comfortable but new ones needed to be bought. There was even a burn stain on them too but Dee couldn’t quite remember how it got there. His clothes, let alone sleeping ones, were rarely dried by the fire. The only time that happened when it was raining or… well, it only happened when it was raining! Anyway, this wasn’t the time to think about such trivial thoughts. Dee glanced around the room, scratching the back of his head then at Julius.

“Uh…” Dee’s hand froze, including his state of mind. Would it be good to tell Julius this? After his mother’s funeral, Dubhdara had made him swear never, ever, ever to tell anyone of his mother’s obsession with fire. It would bring even further shame to the family… if that was even possible. “Uh.” Dee bit the inside of lip, letting his hand fall on the mattress.

“My mother was… do you swear never to tell anyone this? If father ever found out, he will… be most displeased.” Dee’s odd eyes quivered but continued to speak. Julius would keep the secret, he had to! “My mother had odd tendencies, if you wish to cal them that. When she was pregnant with me… she set fire to the neighbours cat. My father at the time was talking to the neighbour, him and he were friends you see.” Dee paused, looking up to see Julius’s reaction. “Anyway, then the cat came streaking out… followed by the neighbour’s wife and then finally my mother. She was excited apparently, her face beaming! She kept saying “look at them critters burn” but in Galiege. She couldn’t speak English… well, she could but not a lot. Anyway, so people thought she was speaking in tongues or something.”

Dee fell silent. His hand had been clutching the sheets rather tightly.

[ravery]

Watching Dee quietly, Julius tilted his head, raising his eyebrows slightly as he tried to determine whether or not the boy was just pulling his leg again. That was... a rather fantastical story, even for Dee, though Julius was starting to realize that the truth really was stranger than fiction, sometimes. It would certainly explain a lot about the other boy\'s psyche, at the very least.

After a moment\'s pause, Julius cleared his throat, a little unsure as to how he should respond to that particular revelation. It was clear Dee was distressed- or at least, he looked upset- and he didn\'t want to run the risk of upsetting the boy any further if the story really was true.

“Ah. I... I was not aware of that particular area of your family history.”

Making a face at himself for just how stilted he sounded, Julius cleared his throat again, pushing himself up and starting to pace the room absently. If Dee was telling the truth, then there could be serious consequences for his own family if word ever got out. If Dee wasn\'t telling the truth, then chances are, Julius would eventually have to dismiss the boy from his service. And he really didn\'t want to have to do that, even if the boy was much more maintenance than he\'d originally thought.

But apart from not wanting to send the boy away, Julius couldn\'t help but hope that Dee wasn\'t telling the truth. To have a mother who was that unstable would have been... terrible for a boy Dee\'s age. And Julius sincerely hoped that his squire had not been forced to live with such a woman. Dee\'s father was a bastard enough as it was.

“I\'m sure it was just a fever brought on by her pregnancy, Dee,” he said, not entirely sure just who he was trying to convince more. “I know women can sometimes go a little mad when they\'re with child.”

[w0rmy]

Dee flicked back his hair and bit the inside of his mouth, worried how Julius was going to react. A sudden thought suddenly came to mind, would Julius even believe the story? What if he thought it was ridiculous and completely irrational, what if the knight actually thought that? Dee hoped not, he would most upset however if that was the case. He didn’t want to Julius to think he was nothing but a liar and sex deviant. Dee twirled a strand of hair around his finger absently and stared a near by candle, watching the flame flicker.

“It’s not something I want to tell everyone.” Dee cringed, annoyed how curt his voice sounded. He didn’t mean to sound so rude! He didn’t apologise however and instead thumbed with a crease on the blanket. He began to regret telling his knight the story… perhaps it wasn’t wise. What would Julius think of him now? A complete and utter fucking nutcase? Dee wouldn’t surprised, it’s happened before.

“A fever? A fever that lasted twenty four seven? Sure why not.” Dee snapped, a deep frown adorning his young features. “She was fucked in the head, everyone knew that. She had an obsession with fire, you see.” Dee took a deep breath, running a hand over his face and attempted to calm down. “My father didn’t help the sickness either, I think he made it worse too. He used to beat her a lot… anyway, I suppose its better that she is dead now. Tuberculosis finally got her.” Dee shrugged, trying to make as if he wasn’t bothered by the fact. The boy hated talking about this, it made him feel… upset.

“I should return to my room” Dee said suddenly after a minute of silence. This situation was awkward. He didn’t like it. Dee folded his arms and stared at the door, a look of longing deep in his eyes. He didn’t like stressing Julius out… but neither did he want to give up his life style. It was quite a hard decision.

[ravery]

Blinking as he was snapped at in answer, Julius stopped his pacing for a moment before frowning slightly. He hadn\'t been intending to offend the boy. He\'d been trying to do the opposite, in fact,  but it appeared everything he said was taken in completely the wrong way. Watching Dee quietly, Julius then shook his head, trying to ignore the dull throbbing pain behind his temples. All of this was starting to give him a migraine again.

His expression hardened a little at the mention of Dee\'s father. Whilst he wasn\'t really that surprised to hear that the lord would raise a hand against his wife, the fact that he hadn\'t been able to stop him from beating his own son it was still a sore point for Julius. It was times like these when he wished there was some form of definite law against violence towards family members.

“I\'m sorry to hear about your mother, Dee. I won\'t repeat anything you\'ve said to me. You have my word.”

He paused for a second as the boy looked at the door with obvious intent, before sighing softly and shrugging, running a hand through his hair. “Fine. Do whatever the hell you want.”

It wasn\'t like his squire was actually going to listen to whatever he said anyway.

[w0rmy]

Dee’s gaze went from the door to the floor, a flush deep in his cheeks. He didn’t mean to sound so rude but this situation was so awkward. The boy would rather just escape from it all, if at all possible. To think like that, was cowardly and not at like knight like but then again, who said that he wanted to be a knight? But, if Dee chose not to be a knight, what else was there? To become a Lord like his father? The possibility was there but Dee didn’t want to live like that. It was so dull.  

Dee stood up and walked past Julius, not bothering to look the man in the eye. He opened his mouth to apologise but decided against it. Julius would call him a liar so what was the point? But then again, was Dee truly sorry? It was hard to tell.

Dee opened the door and slowly walked outside into the hall, resisting the urge to look back. He shouldn’t have told Julius about mother, that was unwise. For a foolish moment, Dee had actually thought everything was going fine and dandy… but no. That was not the case. It will never be the case. Their relationship will only consist of fighting and nothing else, or at least, that is how it worked in Dee\'s mind. The squire crossed his arms and hunched his back, upset at the thought. “Talon damn it.”

[ravery]

Watching the boy go, Julius felt oddly resigned. If the boy wanted to storm off and sulk, then fine. If he wanted to go out and fuck half the town, then he could go do that too. It was clear Dee hadn\'t wanted to see him for anything other than to have someone to scowl at.

Waiting for his squire to head out into the hall, Julius then walked over and closed the door behind him, sighing softly and rubbing his palms over his face before going to head back over towards his desk. He raised an eyebrow at the muffled sound of Dee cursing outside and shook his head, reaching up to undo the undo the ties of his shirt before tugging it up and over his head, balling it up and dropping it on his chair. Whilst he knew full well he wasn\'t going to be able to get to sleep after this, it wasn\'t really anything new. He might as well use the time productively and actually start writing that formal letter of apology to Doctor Galen.

Pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose and pinching slightly to try and distract himself from the ache behind his temples, Julius made a face at himself before going to sit down at his desk, moving the candles over a little to cast more light over the parchment. Damn it, where was his quill? He was starting to get distracted again, which wasn\'t a good sign, but it was difficult given everything that had happened that night. Julius really didn\'t know why Dee seemed to think he believed the boy was a liar when telling him about his mother, considering Julius hadn\'t actually said anything. But then again, it appeared the boy had made up his mind about what he was going to do.

And there was the fact that his mother had been a lunatic, and his father wasn\'t that much better off either.

Talon save him. Julius really needed to start choosing his companions for substance rather than appearance.