The Visitor

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was steely when faced with Ben\'s thoughts, though they made him want to flinch when they flowed to him so naturally... and were unexpectedly vivid.  He couldn\'t allow himself to falter in any way, now that he\'d invited this information but he certainly wanted to.

"How are you selfish?" he challenged quietly, wondering if there were examples from Ben\'s time with Declan that were relevant here or whether it was post that time - or even from when he was young.  In a way, he wanted his love to justify these claims as he voiced them the way Declan had, so that he could help Ben accept or deny them.  So that he could accept or deny them.

[Trillian]

Ben made a half-shrug but he answered verbally anyway.

"Because I always want things to go my way," he offered.  That hadn\'t been what Declan had meant though.  He knew that the redhead was saying that Ben was so selfish for what he wanted that he would give away anything held dear in order to get it.  His dignity, his pride, all of these things had played second fiddle to wanting vampirism.  He\'d whored himself on the hope that Declan might sire him without so much as a promise.

[Existentially Odd]

"What things?" Kerr persisted, pushing for the clarification he still felt he needed.  In their relationship, he\'d noticed Ben wanting things like his feeding cycle to be according to his mandate, but everything else hadn\'t been an issue.  Ben had never monopolised the television or insisted they redecorate the house, never changed the linen to suit his purposes or insisted they go somewhere because it was his desire...

In their general living, night to night, Ben had been beautiful to live with.  He was warm and accommodating and doting, for the most part.  When they\'d been overseas, his lust and love had been without fault and he\'d only ever asked where they were going with eagerness, never a desire to dictate the route itself.  Kerr obviously wasn\'t seeing the selfishness Ben was, and he wante dto know why.

[Trillian]

It was very difficult for Ben to answer this simple question.  There had been many accusations Declan made against Ben to Ben that the youth hadn\'t been able to argue.  The silver-tongued vampire was able to turn Ben around and around until he didn\'t know what was correct anymore, rebelling almost on queue to Declan\'s desire but not realising how perfectly he\'d been puppetered.  He\'d been a challenge to the redhead of course, but nineteen years of social inexperience couldn\'t match hundreds of years of crafted conversation.

"For wanting to be a vampire.  For sacrificing everything and everybody to get that goal," he blurted out.  "Even you," he uttered before turning his face away.  "I gave myself to him so he would sire me.  I... I let him do things I didn\'t like and did things for him that I didn\'t like just so he\'d want me for all eternity.  It was always my choice.  I was always willing so it\'s not like I can even really blame him for anything."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, sensing a flaw in Ben\'s wording, simply because of his self-effacing phrasing.  Was this Declan\'s legacy then?  Brainwashing?  He wanted to turn his lip up in disdain.

"How - specifically - was it always your choice that you let him do things to you you didn\'t like?  How did you agree to something you fundamentally didn\'t agree with? I don\'t understand.  You can\'t be saying that just because you had an agenda - to be sired - that that meant you allowed him complete control, for if you did... how does that make you selfish?" he asked, perplexed by his own reasoning.

[Trillian]

It was too much to cover in one conversation, the attacking of what Ben believed had helped him get through the four months spent in Declan\'s care.  He shrugged to Kerr\'s question and then looked back at him unhappily. His eyes pleaded for Kerr not to push it though he knew for the sake of their relationship he supposed his lover had to.

[Existentially Odd]

Seeing the helplessness in Ben\'s beautiful eyes and in his young actions tugged powerfully at Kerr\'s heart.  He was hurting his precious one, even after he\'d declared him thus, and it hurt him to do it, but he was doing it for a point.

"I think that was all part of it," he said softly, dropping his leg and shuffling as close to Ben as he could, laying an arm along his so that he could attempt to embrace the blonde (though their positioning wasn\'t ideal and he was still intent on being able to look into Ben\'s face).

"I think that was the damage he did.  He convinced you you were selfish and that it was your fault you complied with him, because it was you who wanted to be sired, but really... he was just toying with you.  Victimising, twisting you, until you didn\'t know which way was up, and you began to believe him, even though you hated it.  But it wasn\'t true and something in you knew that too  otherwise you wouldn\'t have tried to get it out of your system with Ichabod... do you think?" he enquired, only sounding uncertain at the last.

It made perfect sense to him, anyway, but Ben seeing it was the real point.

[Trillian]

"I think it would be easy for me to just blame everything on Declan and not take any of the responsibility myself."

It was another Declan line and he had a flashback of the vampire saying it so he tried something different.

"I mean, I had the choice whether to go ahead with him or to fight him.  Apart from a few arguments

which had me slammed up against the wall

I didn\'t give him much trouble at all.  He didn\'t have to work so hard, for me.  I gave into him too fast to deny that it was just him manipulating me."

He blamed Declan mostly for the scars on his back that didn\'t have to be there, and the fact that he doubted himself somewhat more than he used to (as his confidence and self-worth had been shattered while in the redhead\'s proximity) but he blamed himself for doing all that he did with Declan.  The fact that he\'d asked about being sired before performing sexual acts.  The fact that he\'d pretended it was Kerr so he could be more enthusiastic while Declan touched him and he touched the other.  He\'d been more than Declan\'s pet, he\'d been his bitch and he\'d tried his best to portray the relationship as though he\'d loved every second of it.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was skeptical about Ben having a choice in anything Declan proposed, and could only wonder at the Oligarch\'s ability to fuck with his lover\'s head even now.  He was pondering the irony of those words when Ben\'s thought about being slammed against a wall travelled along their blood bond (for he didn\'t think Ben was up to projecting anything in the mood he was currently in) and had him lifting his gaze in startlement.

"How fucking \'fast\' is fast?  If he was slamming you against walls to get you to co-operate, I don\'t blame you for giving in!" Kerr cried, aghast at the notion that Ben believed himself to have been a weak target when a vampire had been physically shoving his mortal self around - that wasn\'t even taking into account the mental bullying that had been occurring.

[Trillian]

"Maybe slamming is the wrong word.  It didn\'t break my bones or anything, it was just to hold me against a wall," Ben justified, "because I made him mad on purpose and he knew I was trying to.  I was more scared of what he might do than what he actually did so it was easier just to let him.  It was easier to let him use me in order to get what I wanted."  Ben was frowning darkly through his entire conversation.  "That\'s why I don\'t want to talk about it.  I didn\'t want you to know how cheap I am."  He looked down at the hand in his own lap, lying there like a limp fish.  Kerr would never want him back now.

[Existentially Odd]

"You\'re not cheap," Kerr snorted, growing angry on Ben\'s behalf that he would be allowed to think so.  "You\'ve never been cheap.  Maybe you\'re disappointed with yourself over what you agreed to let him do but it\'s his thinking that\'s convinced you you should be ashamed of yourself, when you shouldn\'t.  You shouldn\'t," the elder repeated meaningfully, frowning as he looked deeply into Ben\'s eyes and gave him a hug.

This was obviously the stuff that had drilled Ben\'s worth down to nothing and sent him after Ichabod, so his words weren\'t going to have a lot of impact right now, he was sure, but that didn\'t stop him from trying.  He couldn\'t let these nonsensical statements hang as if he agreed with them when it was pretty clear to him that, given the situation, Declan maipulated Ben expertly.

Pulling back, Kerr\'s expression smoothed into one of encouragement - as much as he was able, anyway.  He was still worried by Ben\'s words and it lingered in his eyes.  "You were young and mortal, having been thrust into his care after a trial we didn\'t deserve, quite frankly.  He was much older than you and very experienced; he could look into your head and know exactly your thoughts, right where you were weak.  How you accept any of what happened as you being cheap, I have no idea.  You were manipulated, it wasn\'t just you, and I\'d never think less of you because of how you coped in such a situation.  I\'m amazed and impressed you did, in fact - I only wish we\'d been able to address it sooner, so that we might have avoided... "

The memory of what occurred because of this psychological warfare of Declan\'s rose suddenly and painfully to strike Kerr right in the heart.  As much as he could congratulate Ben on surviving Declan, he hated what it had brought about as a result.  It shouldn\'t have led to Ichabod being treated the same way, it should\'ve been discussed.  The fact that it hadn\'t only reinvigorated his pain and left him silent in the wake of that.

[Trillian]

Kerr\'s most recent argument was beginning to find Ben\'s logic.  Yes, he had just been through a trial and been punished for a crime that Kerr was found guilty for.  Yes, Declan had read his mind a lot and he\'d hated it every time it became obvious.  Perhaps that was why he was so secretive now.  Ben began looking inwardly into his own personality and wondered belatedly if he\'d been shaped a great deal more than he\'d expected by the situation he\'d been in with Declan.

It seemed that Kerr didn\'t want to paint Ben with a tainted brush at all and the mortal still felt that wasn\'t right.  Ben hadn\'t exactly jumped into bed with Declan straight away but he certainly hadn\'t held much back when sex had been initiated.  Had he been fearful of Declan every time?  At the start, yes.  Later on it had been such a habit that a simple look would have him on his knees for Declan.  Had he enjoyed it then?  Not really.  Had he feared Declan then?  Yes, he still had, a little less but he still had.

With Kerr dropping the sentence off like that it brought Ben back to the present and he felt himself again not wanting to talk about it.  Declan had given him experience in abuse and ideas of how to manipulate Ichabod, but it didn\'t explain how he didn\'t feel himself when everything happened.  Something had compelled him to perform all those acts, like he\'d done everything with a kind of neutral fascination, detached from all emotions except curiosity and anger.

"It didn\'t feel... real," he explained, feeling his description inadequate but apt.  He felt that it didn\'t convey the importance of his message though.

[Existentially Odd]

It was difficult to pinpoint exactly what Ben meant hadn\'t felt real, considering Kerr had spoken of Ben\'s entire time with Declan, as well as alluding to what had happened with Ichabod.  He frowned in perplexion, trying to decide by looking at his fledgling if it was the former or the latter and realising he couldn\'t tell.  Not if he was going to remain true to form and remain mentally aloof, anyway.

"What didn\'t feel real?" he queried tentatively, peering intently into Ben\'s eyes.

[Trillian]

"What I did," Ben said before he lost the courage to, knowing it was possible that Kerr might not know exactly where to go with that either so he clarified without saying it in so many words.  "What you took out of my head."

He gave Kerr a steady look, wondering if he would be forgiven or chastised for detaching himself from the situation.  There was obvious discomfort in his body language but if this was what was going to get them together (or tear them further apart), and it was his only chance, then talk he would.

[Existentially Odd]

For his part, Kerr did his best to do neither forgive nor judge just yet; once he realised what Ben meant, he took the time to swallow, tilting his head thoughtfully as he kept his intent watch upon his love, attempting to taste all the nuances in that simple phrasing.  There was a rainbow of difference, the more he thought about it.

"Do you think that was because you were in denial about what you were doing?  Because you knew it was wrong, yet you were compelled to try and exorcise the demons Declan gave you like that?" he asked, an edge of hope in his voice.