Recovering Sanctuary

[Existentially Odd]

(Continued from \'Return of the Lost Boy\')

They had collected everything they needed and were back in Kerr\'s apartment within the hour, he telling Ben quite rightly that he needn\'t bring all his clothes since there were still some in the wardrobe at his place.  It was odd, showing his fledgling around what had been, essentially, their home together as a couple.  Taking him into the study - where Mandy\'s drawings of Ben (as well as she and Kerr) and the numerous photos they\'d taken when they were a couple were on display - made Kerr feel awkward.  Particularly because there was now a photo of he and Jenna framed and sitting on his desk, from their recent holiday.

He didn\'t think Ben cared too much one way or the other, but that didn\'t stop him from moving out of the office as quickly as possible.  Once the tour was finished, Kerr left his fledge in the lounge with a cup of warmed pig\'s blood (that, ironically, he\'d bought many moons before when Kerr was gravely injured by his sire), watching television, and returned to the study alone.  It was almost three in the morning, at least half an hour later than Jenna would have been expecting him to call, and he was feeling trepidation as he sat in his expansive executive chair and picked up the black handset of the phone and dialled her number.

When she picked up and answered, he believed she sounded tired and somewhat annoyed, but it might have been his guilt talking.  "Jenna!  I\'m so sorry I\'ve taken so long to call - there\'s been a... bit of a hiccough in our plans, unfortunately, and I won\'t be able to meet you tonight after all."  He said it in a rush, needing to get it out as quickly as possible so she could ask him all the questions she needed to ask.

[Trillian]

In the study, Ben had barely time to glance around before Kerr was ushering him out, though he did notice the photograph of Kerr and a pretty brunette woman smiling together, in prime position by the monitor where Kerr would be able to see it in an easy glance.  He didn\'t think anything of it, but also noted that Kerr did, with the way he was breezed in and out while in the other rooms they\'d lingered.

With Ben in the lounge, and Jenna on the phone, she paused when hearing Kerr\'s declaration that he wouldn\'t be coming by after all, and believed she knew the reason why.

"Ben still needs you?" she said, phrasing it like a question if only to be polite.  She knew enough about Ben to know he had a strong connection with Kerr, being his fledgling, and wouldn\'t have paid it any mind except she also knew they\'d been in a very long, tumultous relationship.  She didn\'t think it was strange that Kerr cared a great deal for him - it would be strange if he didn\'t - but she couldn\'t help feeling disappointed at his cancelling to see her, even if it was under reasonable circumstances.

[Existentially Odd]

He purposefully sighed down the phone line so that she would hear how disappointed he was (though, again, there was that flash of guilt, this time because he was somewhat misrepresenting his feelings about spending time with Ben).

"Unfortunately, yes.  I hadn\'t realised until last night how much the situation he\'s come from has affected him.  The relationship he was in was violent... sexually as well and... well, it\'s changed him greatly.  He\'s fearful of sleeping alone.  I\'ve uh, brought him to my place for... a while, I guess."

Bracing himself for what she would say once she realised that him having Ben living with him would severely hamper their time together, he petered off and waited for her comment.

[Trillian]

She was quiet while this information sunk in, and she suspected her pause took perhaps a little too long, but she was struggling for the appropriate response.

"Isn\'t the Chambers a safer place for him?" she questioned, not wanting to sound like she was accusing Kerr of anything - taking Ben to his own place was certainly his own prerogative, but when he\'d first explained bringing Ben to the Chambers for safekeeping and staying with him there had made more sense to her, considering how well guarded it was.

She was careful to say little else on the matter, not wanting him to feel like she was nagging him over something that she really didn\'t understand.  A sire-fledgling bond was certainly much like family - more intimate, in fact - and she didn\'t want Kerr to think she was doubting his intentions, because she wasn\'t.  Not yet, in any case.  Time would tell if he deserved her doubt, but for now he would have the benefit of it.

[Existentially Odd]

"Yes, I thought so too," he agreed with her - perhaps a little too enthusiastically, for it came out sounding a little like he was accusing Ben of manipulating the situation, when that wasn\'t the case.

"But Ben didn\'t think it would matter where he was, if Themba decides to come for him - he\'ll find him either way.  I decided he was probably right and since I didn\'t particularly fancy the idea of living out of a suitcase at the Chambers indefinitely, I preferred to be here.  He seems fine to get about on his own through the night, he just has these... I don\'t know... panic attacks, I suppose, when it comes time for him to sleep.  If I\'d had to breathe last night, I would\'ve died from asphyxiation he clung so tightly," he joked, realising belatedly that such humour wouldn\'t translate well over the phone.

Or at all.  It wasn\'t really a good idea to tell your current lover that a past one had spent an entire session of sleep entwined so tightly with you that you barely had breathing space.  He swallowed and decided he really needed to be making this whole thing up to her.  "So anyway," he began brightly, shifting position in his chair so that he was leaning to the opposite side, switching the handset to his other ear, "I guess tonight\'s a bust but I was thinking I wouldn\'t work tomorrow night and we either go check out that musical we were talking about and head back to your place...?" he said in an enquiring tone before he dropped his volume and smiled so that she would hear it coming down the phone line in his voice.

"Or we just skip the outing altogether and I simply turn up at your place as soon as I wake up," he hinted, the intimate manner in which he said it communicating clearly what he had in mind.  They needed some quality time together, without any talk of Ben between them, and he had the opportunity of a light schedule the next night that could be rearranged if she was willing; he wanted her to know that she was also a priority for him, not just his fledgling.

[Trillian]

The other end of the phone was silent as Jenna thought his offer over.  As he\'d suspected, she hadn\'t liked the sound of Ben sleeping intimately with Kerr, but Kerr\'s bright tone put a lot of her unease to rest.  He was sharing with her, and someone who had something to hide wouldn\'t be so blatant.

"I would like to see you," she said, her tone warm to him.  "I miss you," she admitted, "and I\'d like the opportunity to show you how much."

It was her way of telling him she didn\'t care about missing the musical, as long as she could have her time with him.  His offering to skip work for her had brought a smile to her face and it had translated into her voice.  It was a big thing to offer, she knew, for they were both workaholics.

[Existentially Odd]

Their conversation quickly strayed from serious topics to cheeky flirting and Kerr eventually decided it was in his best interests to hang up before he became physically aroused to match the heightened state of awareness Jenna was always able to get him into.  The woman was a minx, with very few inhibitions once she let loose and he loved that about her.

Some twenty minutes later he hung up the phone, took a moment to centre himself and settle his riled hormones and went out to see what Ben was now watching on television.  He sat beside him on the couch that he was on, somehow not surprised that he\'d gravitated to the one they always used to curl up together on, to watch TV.

"Well, that\'s sorted," he said crisply.  "I told her I\'d see her tomorrow night instead - and I\'ll be back in time for us to go to bed," he assured his fledge, giving his thigh as squeeze as he looked at him.

It was a difficult thing to do, he found; it had been easier to look at him at the Chambers, where he wasn\'t in a state of heightened awareness thanks to a semi-erotic conversation with his lover, nor seeing his past brought to vivid, undeniable life after so long.  Ben in this apartment was right and his emotions responded to meeting his beautiful silvery eyes in this space; his gaze skittered away before it was communicated to Ben and he stared unseeingly at the screen over the fireplace instead.

"What\'re you watching?" he asked blandly, lifting his hand gingerly off Ben\'s leg.

[Trillian]

The hand on his thigh was comforting, but the way it was raised off self-consciously made him realise that he was making Kerr feel awkward, just by being here.  His perspective on everything had changed, since Themba.  He still didn\'t think leaving Kerr had been a bad decision because of Jack making everything confusing, but skipping to another city had been somewhat extreme.  Now he had nothing left of himself - no journals, no car, nothing of the things that made him Ben Samson.  He had money, but he had no past.  He didn\'t even feel very connected to the memories he did have.

"Just some doc about species in peril of becoming extinct," he said, quoting what the wildlife reporter was often saying, using language not usually his own.  He felt a bit that way himself though.

Hi, I\'m Ben, I\'m in peril of becoming extinct, and what\'ll be left of me is a shell.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked as he picked up on the errant thought (in truth, he was monitoring his fledgling a lot more closely than usual, because he was so worried about him) and moved to embrace him.

"Hey," he said softly, leaning down to place a kiss on his lips before he pulled back and looked into his eyes, "you\'re not in danger of becoming extinct.  You\'re still very substantial to me.  I love the person you are, even if you feel you\'ve lost your way to him, I know him, I care about him and I won\'t have anyone speaking ill of him - least of all him," he said with a squeeze, smiling to show that his words were lighthearted, but still feeling worried.

For want of something better to do, he leaned in and rested his lips on Ben\'s temple, kissing to his forehead and hoping his proximity could reassure the fledgling as much as it did the sire; there was something eerie and disturbing about their blood bond whenever they were apart, even a few blocks.  It felt right for them to be together, even if Ben wasn\'t feeling particularly right within himself at that moment.

"You know, I took your memories back from Jack, before he died.  Copied them, so to speak.  It didn\'t seem right you\'d lost them entirely and I was rather hoping I\'d be able to get them back to you one day... do you want me to try?"

[Trillian]

Upon being hugged and spoken to like he\'d said his thought out loud, he felt ashamed while that feeling of nothing being private returned.  He\'d had to curb his thoughts with Themba because the Ancient was like a radar and even with his blocks in place he was still a broadcaster to someone so old.  He was used to not having anything private anymore, but it still bothered him that he couldn\'t even think something to himself and have it just for himself.  The kiss and hug was nice though, giving him conflicting feelings about being listened in on.

The offer gave him pause and he stalled before answering.

"All of them?" he asked tonelessly.  "You took three years of them?"

He wasn\'t sure he wanted them, but it was certainly a seductive thought; especially if those memories made him feel complete.  He didn\'t think it was the memories though, for he\'d felt pretty good in New York initially, hanging out with Daniel and forging his own path.  Until Themba.

Kerr had summarised what those memories had been, also.  Most of them hadn\'t sounded too good, except for being in love, with Kerr.  Did he want to remember that now, when Kerr was with someone else?  Did he want to be complete, so he could then be broken-hearted?

"Will it hurt?" he asked last, wondering if that kind of mental weaving would hurt either him or his sire.  Surely something like that would take a lot of mental effort and stamina.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned.  "No, I don\'t think so - though it may make your mind ache and it will certainly tire us both out.  It\'s not something to be done quickly, either.  I mean, it took me weeks to get it all off Jack - though I did look at them before I took them in their original, untouchable format," he explained.  Seeing Ben\'s confused look, he attempted to elaborate.

"It\'s like... a DVD in a machine.  Inside the machine I can access it and make it show me the data files it holds in a viewable format but as soon as I take it out of the machine, all it is is a collection of burned data that I can\'t access.  Your memories were the same.  In Jack\'s head, I could access them and see them, in mine, they don\'t work.  If I give them back to you, they\'ll work - but then again I don\'t think you\'ll want them all, anyway.  Especially after what you\'ve just been through, I... "

He fell quiet, frowning as he thought about Declan and the memories he\'d taken from Jack.  Yes, there were the good aspects of their relationship he wanted Ben to have, just to know that he wasn\'t alone - hadn\'t always been, that they\'d loved each other very much - but there was so much else... so much that wasn\'t pleasant.

"You know, on second thought, I probably shouldn\'t have made such an offer.  Not when the bad outweighs the good - I don\'t know what sort of comfort it will give you and that is what I want to give you so... perhaps it\'s just better if I stick with giving to you here and now, rather than relying on the past?" he asked resignedly, cuddling Ben closer and kissing his temple again.  There was likely to be better results from reassuring Ben here and now that he was loved and valued than from giving him extinct memories fraught with anxiety and extreme emotions anyway.

[Trillian]

For Kerr to remove his offer so quickly after he\'d made it and without giving time for Ben to ponder the benefits and disadvantages of it himself, disappointed Ben.  He was too meek to challenge it however, trained to just accept whatever fate and fortune dealt him.
 
Even though Kerr\'s explanation ended on a high note, like a question, it certainly hadn\'t sounded like a question. Do you want your memories back?  That was a question.  Making a leading statement about what Kerr thought was best, that made Ben feel like Kerr didn\'t really want to hand the memories over.  Certainly he did know what was best, because he remembered them all through his own eyes.  Still, it would\'ve been nice to make the choice.
 
Ben gave Kerr a timid smile before looking back at the documentary, but not really seeing it anymore.  While he let the images flash over, he was aware of Kerr beside him, expectant for an answer to a question Ben didn\'t feel was properly asked.  It wasn\'t in him to ignore or deny such a silence.
 
"Whatever you think is best," he replied, which was a very common phrase on his lips since modelling and living with Themba.  Sit here, do this, wear that, kneel down, open wide, let\'s try this, will that work?

[Existentially Odd]

Patiently (though he didn\'t feel so settled inside himself, with Ben acting so... blandly - but in such a way that he could tell he was unhappy with the outcome of their discussion), Kerr reached over and picked up the remote, switching the television off so that Ben would look at him.

"I have an idea," he told his fledgling steadily.  "You tell me what you want, and that\'s what I\'ll do - with one addendum," he added, raising his index finger, "perhaps you might prefer to know what I know, without experiencing it and having the memories.  I just tell you it all.  I can even share my side of things.  That way, you\'ll have the understanding of everything that occurred to you within the three years, without feeling the despair - which you obviously don\'t need any more of.  I mean... perhaps I can just give you some parts of your memory, rather than all of it, too?"

He gnawed on his tongue stud as he pondered whether that would be possible.  He\'d taken Jack\'s memories strategically, in order, but since they were now foreign bodies inside his own buried mental receptors and he couldn\'t open them, he was worried that he couldn\'t be selective.  He could guess approximately where to begin giving Ben memories, though - given his way, he\'d begin with the night Ben was sired and progress through to when their relationship began to be good (probably not the in love part - though he couldn\'t actually say when Ben began to love him, because maybe that happened the night they met at Risk for all he knew... and he was okay with maybe giving his fledgling a little of that lost emotion), even though it included Lazarus\'s instructions.

The more he thought about it, the more he regretted offering - but he didn\'t have any right to withhold what was, in essence, Ben\'s property, either.  "Anyway," he continued, coming out of the haze of pondering how much he could be selective about, "I want you to decide - and it doesn\'t have to be right now, just... whenever you\'re ready, okay?"

[Trillian]

He looked at Kerr when the television was turned off, and listened to everything his sire said without interruption, taking it all in.  Ben thought over all the offers Kerr gave him, and shook his head to indicate his decision on one of them.

"Having my memories... I should either have all of them or none," he said, for having a spotty recollection might be almost as bad.  Seriously though, how much did people remember of their past three years?  Only the highs and lows, and by the way Kerr was telling it, he thought Ben had more lows than highs.  "And there are some things you won\'t be able to tell me, so that would be patchy too."

He did recall the summary Kerr gave him of his past three years.  It had sounded unrealistic and dramatic, but obviously it had occurred.  The idea of having his memories back, even if they were bad ones, was still more appealing simply because he now felt detached from everything and everyone.

"I will think about it," Ben promised, glad that Kerr wasn\'t pushing him for an answer now.  If he decided against having such memories, he could always change his mind and get them, but deciding to take them back would mean he wouldn\'t be able to un-know them.  "Thank you," he added.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr smiled and nodded, falling quiet and simply watching Ben, his hands brushing against his fledge\'s arm in a consoling sort of way.  He was very... placid, yet Kerr felt obligated to entertain him.  The ways they\'d used to entertain each other flashed through his mind and roused a smile on his lips that he quelled as he tried to steer his thoughts to something more... appropriate to talk about.

"So tell me, how did the modelling thing come about, anyway?  Was that something you decided to do once you got to the city or... ?" he raised his eyebrows enquiringly, leaving the question hanging.