The Long Road

[Kysis]

Kysis kept looking between Lam and Lily, the conversation flying through one of his ears and back out the other, its going by so quickly.  It almost sounded rehearsed.  Coming into the kitchen rather than into the dining room for their meal was strange, though it looked as though that was where they had been taking their meals. It almost seemed cozy.

And then suddenly Lam was talking to him again, and it took a moment for his mind to catch up. He took the cloth and stared at it, replaying the words in his head.  Oh yes.  Kysis tied the little cloth around Pandora\'s neck, then sat so she was on his left, though he turned to face her completely anyway.  Soon enough, Lily placed the bowl in front of Pandora and he had a spoon in his hand, for his first attempt at feeding his own daughter.

Alex was staring at the floor when Lam entered the room.  He did not look up immediately, then finally, after letting out a shaky sigh of a breath, lifted his gaze.  With Kysis in the kitchen, they were finally alone, and he could speak to her without worry of his lord overhearing them, and yet it felt as though his tongue had swollen to the size of a million bricks, standing strong like the walls of Troy.

Looking at his feet again, he shifted his weight back and forth, knowing he probably only had a breath of a moment. "M\'Lady, I need to warn you of something." His English was easier now, Alex making a concerted effort at learning the language, as he knew that was what Alia would have wanted for him.  That was enough to keep him learning, and learn he did, though his accent was still extremely thick.

[Existentially Odd]

Lam\'s jovial query about what Alex was doing died on her lips when she saw his demeanour, her heart flying to her mouth as she heard his serious words.  She stepped closer, into the room, holding her own hands with her breath caught.

"What is it?" she asked in a whisper, uncertain what it could be but supposing it had come from the time he\'d spent alone with Kysis that day.  That was all it could be, right?  What had her husband told him?  Millions of scenarios, thoughts of other women, other men, dying love, desires for them to relocate to Kreos flashed through her head, but still she waited, breathless with worry.

In the kitchen, Lily hovered, watching Kysis attempt to feed Pandora before she went back to the stove to dish out their meals.  "Wipe afterwards, sir, like this," she told him, nervously taking the spoon from his fingers to shovel another spoonful into Pandora\'s waiting mouth.  When some food leaked back out, Lily demonstrated the method of turning the spoon sideways to scrape it up from her lips and using it in the next mouthful, tapping it into the enamel bowl before holding the spoon out towards Kysis once more.

[Kysis]

Kysis took notes of what Lily showed him, trying to soak in every detail so he could get it right. He had always been a perfectionist.  That, at least, had not changed.

Taking back the spoon, Kysis tried again, emulating the motion of catching the dribble to be used for that next spoonful.  Again, he was struck by just how helpless children were, how much they had be cared for, and he tried harder, making sure he got the feeding right.

Alex knew, perhaps, that he had made to grave of a statement, and yet, he knew that sort of weight was absolutely necessary.  He glanced at the door, then back at Lam.  He could hear how distracted Kysis was, and knew it was now or never.

"I do not believe it would be a good idea to bring Matthew back into the household." Alex looked down again, shuffling.  He felt strange, warning Lam of something.  She was his lord\'s wife, and yet, he felt this had to be said. "We were speaking of Kreos and..." Alex frowned, trying to find a way to phrase it. "He has much anger at Matthew."

The words did not sound quiet right, but it would have to do.  He could try to explain more, if that was what Lam wanted, though he hoped he had sent the message effectively.  Alex was extremely worried, and figured Lam would be a much better judge of the situation and more likely to know what to do in regards to his lord.

[Existentially Odd]

"Ohh," she breathed her understanding, her gaze sliding sideways to look at the bed, unseeing for all that she\'d chosen it as her focus.  "Yes, alright.  I... sensed that earlier.  Because of Rico," she nodded, now frowning back at Alex, somewhat questioning, mostly knowing.

There\'d been a great deal of restraint and anger within Kysis\' words at the beginning and she\'d been in so much shock, she still couldn\'t be sure she was right, but her gut told her she was.  Alex had more or less confirmed it.  "Well, I think he\'s planning to stay with his parents for tonight," she murmured, folding her left arm across her stomach and resting her right elbow on the wrist, that hand creeping up to clasp worriedly at her throat.

"I suppose one of us should offer him the townehouse, if he wants that, although... he\'ll have memories of Rico there, so I\'m not sure what he\'ll want to do," she told Alex quietly, her gaze large and worried.  So much had changed in the space of but a few hours, it was becoming hard not to be overwhelmed by it all, this just another thing that made her want to cry.  Her lip quivered and she bit it, at risk of letting loose her emotions just as she had earlier at her aunt, because everything was so daunting.

"You or I, whoever sees him first, will have to ask.  Tomorrow.  Warn him, I... is that everything?" she whispered, her hand clenching at her throat as she fretted about it all.  She wanted to ask Alex his opinion about when or whether she should reveal her transgressions with Dagger to Kysis but shied from it, knowing it would make things too awkward between them.  It was something best left unsaid.  She hoped.

[Kysis]

Alex nodded to affirm that if he saw Matthew first, he would warn the man, so he would not have to deal with Kysis\' quiet fury or worse, an outburst of actual hatred aimed at him.  Alex felt for the man, considering how he was only trying to do what duty dictates: tell his lady that her husband had perished.  Alex was certain Matthew would have stayed if he knew it could have changed the outcome of Rico\'s survival, but still, duty called.

Was there anything else?  Yes, there was, but... Alex took a deep breath, holding it for a moment as though it would help gather courage.  And finally, he could say it. "Lord Liari is not the same man you remember.  He is not shy and awkward and innocent any more." Normally, when just talking with Lam, he could call his lord Kysis.  They were not very far separated in age, they had served as guards together, they had been fast friends.  Now, the Kysis he knew was gone.

Kysis gave Pandora another spoonful, scooping again, ever mindful that Lily had said something about having to wear a raincoat.  So far, he\'d yet to see that, though he was slightly worried.  He was wearing a black tunic, and whatever she decided to spew at him would no doubt do some serious harm... though right now, he could not help but concentrate on the task at hand.  He could not imagine such a little angel doing anything like that.

[Existentially Odd]

Lam\'s frown deepened and she took a step closer to Alex, her expression completely baffled.  "I... don\'t understand what you mean... what you\'re implying...?" she asked.

The man she\'d sent off to war had hardly been shy, awkward or innocent any more.  She\'d watched him shed that skin long before they were married, seen him take the mantle of responsibility so seriously that it had got him killed - she\'d believed.

Why was Alex warning her of what she already knew... unless there was some other aspect of awkwardness or innocence gone, that she wasn\'t aware of?  Was he saying that Kysis had done something in particular that had changed him?  Or was it simply that the torture of being a prisoner had destroyed her husband?

She refused to believe that.  He loved her, he\'d said it.  He was glad to be back, he just... needed time to adjust, that was all.

[Kysis]

Alex looked back to the door, towards the kitchen, concentrating hard that direction as though he would be able to see his lord through the barriers there, and see exactly what he was trying to say.  And yet, he couldn\'t.  As much as he tried, he couldn\'t.

Maybe he was wrong, and with all his heart he really hoped so, yet, it seemed like there was something missing from his lord which had been there before and he wanted to show that to Lam, to warn her, but he could not put his finger on it.  After a moment, he shook his head. "Maybe I am wrong." He shrugged, deciding that there was nothing he could say now.

Either way, they needed to get into the kitchen.  Alex was vaguely worried about his lord being left alone with Dora; he walked quickly, relieved to see nothing bad had happened, though he had no idea what bad could happen.

Kysis glanced at them when they entered, spoon held up in the air, just in front of Pandora\'s face.  She looked a touch frustrated that the spoon was right there, right by her mouth, but not giving her food.  He did not say anything, turning back towards his daughter, giving her another spoonful.

[Existentially Odd]

Lam watched Alex walk past her, confusion and overwrought emotions swamping her, causing her to sway so that she found the hand that had been at her throat now supporting her against the wall.  Her eyes closed and she pressed her head to the coolness of the plaster, wishing... wishing things were easier.  Understandable.  Simpler.

With a heavy sigh she straightened away from the wall, squaring her shoulders and preparing to face the confusion and turmoil that awaited her in the kitchen.  Thankfully, dinner was ready - a simple stew with plenty of vegetables and thick chunks of lamb floating in the broth, accompanied by day-old bread and butter - and bowls were ready to be carried to the table.  A few last-minute things were brought over by Lily - salt, pepper and an extra drinking glass for the wine they were having with dinner - and then everyone was seated.

Eating began even as wine was still being poured, Kysis offered anything he might need by Alex for the most part.  "Here, give that to me, I\'ll finish her off while you eat," Lam said softly, reaching for Pandora\'s spoon from Kysis.  She\'d sat opposite her husband and tried to offer a smile as she held her hand out for the utensil but another of those surreal moments struck her and she couldn\'t quite believe he was across from her again.  Not dead.  Not even close.

Idly, she pondered if they should be praying right now, or giving thanks that Kysis was returned to them, but Lam had given up on such frivolities as Gods when Kysis was taken from her.  She no longer had held the heart to indulge energy in sightless creatures, when a very small, very real reminder of all that she\'d lost lay squawking against her breast each day.  No, best she demonstrate her maternal dexterity at feeding herself and her daughter, and leave the worry of thanking Gods to those that had time for them.

[Kysis]

Kysis gave the little spoon over to Lam, if a bit reluctantly.  He had not been a part of his own daughter\'s life until now, and suddenly, control was taken from him again.  Kysis sat quietly, watching them, lips pressed into a thin line.  Lam would not let him hold the girl as it was likely to tear his stitches, but this did not get in the way of his healing process.

Food was placed above him, the smell calling to his stomach, despite everything.  And then Alex offered him a glass of wine, which Kysis agreed to, if quietly.  This was the first meal he had shared with his wife and daughter, the first meal with his wife in a long time.  Something so mundane seemed so strange now.

Kysis took to eating, slowly, feeling the slightest pang.  He could tell that lamb was used, and it was supposed to be flavor-filled, he was certain, and yet... Kysis closed his eyes, taking a shaky breath.  He could not think about how Rico would have made it better, how Matthew had...

Kysis let out that breath, taking another bite, chewing slowly.

[Existentially Odd]

Lily\'s face showed that she was somewhat alarmed by Kysis\' reaction to her stew and her gaze flew worriedly to Lam, who gave a minute shake of her head and a reassuring smile.  It settled the serving girl\'s fears that she\'d done a bad job of the cooking and she returned to eating her meal while the lady of the house was left to watch her husband speculatively.  She was pretty sure what was going through his mind; anything to do with food always came back to his Greek roots and how best food was prepared... by Rico.

Her lips pressed together disapprovingly before she took a gulp of her own food then fed Pandora her last.  There\'d been no bored spitting back tonight, thankfully, though she was rather more interested in what her mother had now that there was something else on the table in front of her tray.  "You were a hungry girl tonight, weren\'t you?" she cooed at the baby, who smiled and giggled at her mother on cue.  Before anything could start splattering, Lam moved Dora\'s bowl to the table, leaving her with her spoon to gurgle over.

As the meal progressed, Lam dropped bits of food on Dora\'s tray to keep her entertained - a bit of bread, a carrot, some broccoli, a bean - but by the end of it she wasn\'t hungry and was just playing with it, smearing remnants of vegetables over her face and her hair. Lam did most of the talking to the baby, to keep her entertained and distracted from the fact that she was so tired her eyelids were drooping, but it was obviously a practiced art that her other companions knew well, for they chimed in with a silly action or a bit of food if things were going poorly.  Conversation between the adults themselves was somewhat limited to requesting condiments or discussing the fact that Lam had taken two weeks\' leave from her job as Palace Advisor in order to be at home with Kysis.

Dinner didn\'t take long, thankfully (for Lam was feeling as weary as her daughter looked), and Lily was soon bustling at the sink, pouring water that she\'d been heating over the stove into a large metal tub, tempering it with cold and feeling it with her elbow.  For his part, Alex was clearing the table then heading to the washing basket once more, extracting a soft towel, clean napkin and sleeping outfit while Lam stood and approached the vegetable smeared baby, looking at Kysis with a devious smile.

"Alright, are you ready for your next job, Daddy?" she enquired, hefting Pandora onto her hip, pulling a bit of carrot out of her hair and reflexively eating it as she turned away and bent down to retrieve a small mattress - slightly bigger than the baby - that was stored on one of the shelves beneath the preparation island in the middle of the kitchen.  She placed it on the table and  Pandora was laying on it moments later, grabbing at her swinging feet as Lam announced, "It\'s time to undress and bathe your daughter.  As an added bonus, anything found in her napkin is yours to deal with."

Snickers echoed quietly around the kitchen from nowhere in particular, for all knew the smell of a loaded nappy - they\'d also noticed Pandora grunting while she ate the vegetables they\'d handed over.  Lam was kidding, because Kysis would have no idea how to deal with such an unsavoury surprise (and he wasn\'t agile enough for a trip to the outhouse to dispose of the contents anyway), but she wanted to tease him a little anyway.  She, Alex and Lily occasionally negotiated all sorts of treats in exchange for avoiding this eventuality, or begging favours; the baby was loved.  The baby\'s offcasts were not.

Lam stood beside Pandora so that she didn\'t roll off the changing mattress and the table, letting her fingers be sucked and chewed while she watched Kysis, to see if he was ready to rise to this challenge.

[Kysis]

Kysis paid attention to the conversation, the way everyone put forth effort to keep Pandora entertained throughout the meal.  It seemed orchestrated, practiced, performed countless times.  Kysis had no idea what to contribute, so he remained silent, concentrating on his food through it all.

Though Kysis tried at first, he could not finish his meal, pushing away about half of the bowl.  He was still not used to eating a great amount of food, and had lost some weight, as was evident from his bath, though it was not too much, his body proving resilient, despite it all.  Kysis had been trying to increase his meals in measures, though he had only been partially successful.

He saw the look Lily gave him, but did nothing to correct her thought.  The food was edible, yes, but at the same time, he was slightly disappointed.  He wanted a taste of home, and the thing he feared was that he would never get it again.

Soon enough, everyone was up and moving again, Alex and Lily and Lam all moving like a well synchronized routine.  Kysis watched, remaining seated.  A small spark of fear touched him, Kysis moving just enough to know he would need help getting up.

Lam caught his attention, Kysis listening, taking it all in.  Then there were the snickers.  What was going on.  Kysis grabbed the arms of the chair he was in, bracing himself, counting to three under his breath.

Before he could do any damage, Alex was there, helping him up.  It was humiliating, to say the least.  Kysis blinked away the water suddenly forming in his eyes, turning his attention back to Pandora, laying there, looking sweet as she did.

Kysis had no idea where to start.  After a moment of looking helplessly at Pandora, Alex stepped in, showing him what to do one step at a time, Kysis following in suit and actually doing the task.

And then the "napkin" was revealed, the smell was revealed, and Kysis was forced to turn his head, holding his breath.  It was shocking that such an angelic little girl could produce something that putrid.

Alex, still feeling guilty about what he said about his lord a moment ago, whisked away the laden napkin, hurrying out of the room with it, thankfully.

[Existentially Odd]

Lam cast a bemused look at Alex and stepped into his wake, picking up the baby (if Kysis couldn\'t get himself out of his chair easily, there was no way she was going to burden him with carrying the infant) and gathering Kysis\' hand in her free one at the same time.
 
"Come on, Miss Nude, time for your bath," she announced, pulling Kysis after her towards the sink. With the baby deposited in the warm water, Lam showed Kysis how to bathe his daughter using the soap and the washcloth, smiling and encouraging him in his nervousness, doing as much as was necessary considering his injuries.
 
It was all very tiring, the tutoring and patience needed to keep a tired baby happy with being the subject of experimental and worried hands exhausting Lam more than if she\'d just done it herself, or let Lily do it. But it was necessary, to bring them together as a family, and as sapping as it was, she was glad for it, kissing Kysis and complimenting him as she wrapped the baby up in her towel and transported her back to the table for dressing.
 
As she dressed Pandora, Lily questioned Lam on what she\'d require in the morning, being told that a bath for she and Kysis would be required after breakfast (for which Lam requested hotcakes, butter and syrup as a treat) but nothing extraordinary otherwise - nothing that would alter Lily\'s usual routine.
 
With quick efficiency, Dora was soon dressed warmly and sat upon Lam\'s hip, rubbing her eyes and fussing as her mother said goodnight to everyone. Unusually (for her), this was done not with just words but also a kiss to the cheek for both Lily and Alex, a habit she\'d developed after these two had pulled her through some very dark days indeed.
 
Checking that Kysis was alright to get up to the bedroom and ignoring any indignation he seemed to be displaying that she bothered asking such a thing, Lam then helped him up the stairs and into their bedroom, closing the door behind him. Alex knocked almost the second it closed and handed her the salve for Kysis\' stitches and she thanked him gratefully before closing the door once more.
 
"I\'ll put some on after I feed Dora," she told Kysis quietly, stepping over to place the container on the bedside table even as she began loosening her clothing with one hand. The baby\'s fussing reached quite loud levels as she was abandoned momentarily on the bed (so Lam could strip down to her underpants and turn down the bed covers) and everything became too much for her. Soothing the child reassuringly, Lam - now settled against a pile of pillows against the headboard with her legs crossed tailor fashion and a pillow resting mostly on top of her right thigh - pulled Pandora into her lap, on the pillow, cradling her in her arms and attached her to her right breast. Instantly, there was quiet, into which Lam breathed a sigh of relief and smiled tiredly at her husband.
 
"Ahhh, it\'s bliss, as long as she gets what she wants," she laughed, wondering what other conversation she would be capable of coming up with, now that the room was just filled with the sound of slurping and snuffling baby. It seemed very quiet and she watched Kysis for her cue.

[Kysis]

Kysis helped as much as he could, rolling up the sleeves of is tunic to make sure they did not get sopping wet, doing what he could with the washcloth.  For so long, he had fought to desensitize himself to everything.  In Kreos, he had to.  This, however, was not something to desensitize himself to.  This was his family.  If he blocked his family out, what would have been the point of racing back at his own peril?

With some help, Kysis made his way up the stairs.  He was nervous about it.  What happened if he needed the outhouse in the middle of the night?  The thought of staring down that long stretch of staircase was nearly dizzying, but he did not speak it.

It seemed Lam was determined to have a normal family again, and for that, he was thankful.

Kysis moved to his tall dresser of clothing, taking slow care with unlacing his tunic and removing it, trying not to move his torso.  The stitches were much drier now, and every little thing seemed to tug at his skin.  He moved to sit on the edge of the bed to get out of his pants and socks, putting on a pair of sleeping pants now, to make sure he could don them on his own, in case he did have to wander out into the dark manor on his own.

That done, he folded the clothing he had been wearing, putting it down by the door, to be dealt with later.  He just dropped the stack, really, as he did not want to bend at this point.

What could he say?  Kysis circled to his side of the bed, not sitting quiet yet. "She has grown up so much..." He knew she had a long, long way to go, and yet, she was already so different than he remembered her.

[Existentially Odd]

"Mmm," Lam agreed, looking down into Pandora\'s face as she fed, brushing her forehead lovingly with her left hand.  A dark shadow moved in her memory, its presence allowed by tiredness relinquishing space to the negative thing her life had become when Kysis had died.  Dagger was there, but there were many more things to address as well, too many admissions crowding her, wanting to suck out her breath and bury her.  She couldn\'t hold them in and continue as she had been.  Not now.  He had to know.

"She... I nearly killed her," she whispered her confession as she stared intently at her child.  "When you... when I was told you died... I didn\'t want anything to do with her.  She looked too much like you... she was yours... and I hated you for leaving me with her.  I thought I hated her.  I didn\'t want her.  I wanted you.  Mairin would come around and force her onto my breast... I didn\'t want a thing to do with her.  Something in me... didn\'t care if she starved, just as long as she stopped crying.  It... took weeks, I think.  I\'m not entirely sure.  I was so lost without you.  I couldn\'t function.  She got through... eventually," Lam smiled down at the baby, intensely regretful about her behaviours but unable to change them.

So much of those early days had brought home to her what her father went through.  How love could turn so easily into hate.  She\'d never understood before... she wished she still didn\'t, that she hadn\'t become like him, but Adora had seen fit to curse her with the same emotions.  Perhaps her family was cursed?  She often wondered.  Pandora was a big baby, a tall and strong child already, but her own frame had allowed Lam an easy enough delivery.  Her pain had come after the fact but it was more or less the same as what her father went through... did she deserve that, because she killed her mother?

The darkness was ever present, but she hadn\'t succumbed to it in a good long while.  Dagger had kept it at bay, focussing on daily routines had, too.  But with Kysis back... so was that confronting worry.  Would her daughter grow up as spiteful as she had towards her father?  Would there always be a chasm, wedged into place by instinct?  Would Pandora know there had been a time when her own mother had cared so little for her, she might as well have followed her father to the grave?  These questions kept her awake some nights, despite the exhaustion she moved herself into each day, to ensure she could sleep.  Would sleeping get better now that she had a husband again?  Part of her still resented him, she knew...

"I\'m sorry," she said miserably, lifting her gaze to meet Kysis\' now, sorrow skimming around her own watery emerald orbs, slick with fear and tension and anxiety.  Would he hate her for confessing this?  Would it be the worst crime she could confess... for there was another she felt weighed as heavily... had she picked the right way to begin their reconnecting?  She watched him through her tears, trying to decide.

[Kysis]

Kysis froze.  For a moment, it felt as though his heart stopped.  He stared blankly out into the room, gaze focusing on nothing, not willing to focus.  The thought of Pandora dying-- not just dying, but having her light extinguished by her own mother-- made him go still, made him feel empty and pitted, left as a husk to dry in the sun and wither away.

He could not look at Lam, not right now.  He sat there, like a statue, brain racing from one feverish thought to the next.  The information was not soaking in, staying like rain atop a wax sealed cloak.  He tried to understand.  What kind of emotions would drive someone to murder their own flesh and blood?  The only thing they have left of someone they hold beloved and have lost?

There was a place that desperate in everyone.  When the Ottomans had kept him shackled in his cell, before he was so weak they did not even bother to chain him, he had considered desperate acts which his mind would never entertain otherwise.

All of this thinking came back to a single place, though, a single point of contention.

"Matthew never should have left the camp." Kysis\' voice was a low, seething hiss, barely above a whisper, not allowed to rise higher by his clenched jaw.  His eyes narrowed, though they still held no true focus.  His lips were pulled into a thin-lipped frown, scar running down from his lip taut, uncomfortably so, not that he noticed.

The information, the thought of Lam trying to kill Pandora, was still sitting on the surface, unwilling to go deeper.  He could not wrap his head around it right now.  Anger at the circumstances that led up to such a horrific act were easier to process right now.