Clarified, Clarifying, Clarify

[pinkroses]

He couldn’t help himself, his eyes flickered up from the spot on the floor he’d been staring at to roam over Ben as he pulled off his shirt, but it wasn’t lust in his eyes, it was hunger. After a few seconds out of the room the smell was hitting him even harder and the drink he’d had earlier was a distant memory. He’d never been around so much blood splashed about like that. In a mug it was contained, civilised, safe. Even drinking from a human it just came from a small wound.

This… this was something else entirely.

“Yeah,” he agreed in a husky voice to Ben’s comment about the mug, not really sure what he was concurring with and taking a tiny step closer to the blonde, all mental blocks disappearing.

Leave
Go
Get out
I need it
Leave me alone
You and your blood
The carpet will stain
So hungry
Get out

Ichabod’s free hand drifted out to brush across Ben’s chest if his brother didn’t move away, wanting to touch the blood more than Ben himself.

“I want to drink from you,” he said, still not meeting Ben’s gaze as the admission spilled out. He was ravenous, too hungry to go find a human, to risk a human, and a bag of blood seemed like nothing right now. His brain felt cloudy and his thoughts were fuzzy in a way he hadn’t felt in over a year, almost two. He’d never been good at controlling himself, never felt confident with it, and right now he really didn’t want to try. Ben said he would do anything for this night, this time, every week. And ichabod had finally found something he wanted to do with Ben.

[Trillian]

There was something in the way Ichabod looked at him and answered about the shower that stopped Ben from moving toward it as soon as he had permission.  He misinterpreted Ichabod\'s look entirely.  He thought the other was greedy for his physical self, for what else was sexier to a vampire than a well-built torso smeared with blood?  However, he got a sensation of Ichabod\'s thoughts rather than the actual words, for he wasn\'t actively scanning the other\'s mind.  Considering the way they both were right now, clarity wasn\'t exactly at the forefront.  Ichabod\'s gaze looked as wild as Ben felt.  He thought he knew what was going to be asked of him, and he was surprised that things were going in that direction so quickly.  He\'d thought Ichabod would degrade him first by making him do stupid things in public, rather than wanting sex.

When the request came, it was so different to what Ben was expecting that his mind stumbled over it for a moment, hearing nothing but garble until his brain caught up with his ears.

Ben would\'ve given Ichabod anything freely, absolutely anything, except this.  Themba-

don\'t think of his name
oh my god
he drank from me he drank
I thought I was going to die
I called for help from Kerr
in my head Kerr heard
he drank from me
I don\'t want him
to drink from me

\'What?\' he almost asked, it was on the tip of his tongue, but he knew what, so there was no point asking.  Out of all the things Ichabod could\'ve demanded from him, the other vampire had stumbled upon the one thing that caused Ben real issue.  Why oh why oh why had he broken that stupid, fucking mug full of blood?

Because it hurt you to talk about it
That past that you do your best to pretend never happened
That time in New York that messed you up so bad
Because you weren\'t in control
And he drank from you
And so you held on too tight to the mug
And now you\'re facing exactly what made you break that mug in the first place

Oh, it was ironic, it was insane how twisted this night was becoming.  It was almost a circle.  It was what he\'d demanded Ichabod do, last week, to use him, to make demands of him no matter how uncomfortable it might make Ben.  He could stomach public humiliation, he didn\'t mind the idea of sexually playing around with Ichabod, he\'d readied himself for an intense version of Truth or Dare, but he hadn\'t figured Ichabod would want his blood.

He opened his mouth, to say what he didn\'t know, but what came out of his mouth surprised and scared him more than words could describe.

"Okay."

His voice was remarkably steady, though soft.  He\'d expected to hear a quaver in it, but there was nothing.  He\'d always managed to keep his voice steady, no matter the turmoil within.  Ben was frozen to the spot.  If Ichabod wanted to drink from him, he would likely have to come over to him and do it, or lead him somewhere.  Maybe Ben\'s legs would work, if he was beckoned, but...

He had no more time to think, because Ichabod had heard his consent and was now reacting to it.

[pinkroses]

They’d kept secrets from him, thinking it wasn’t important for him to know, but maybe if Ichabod had known what Themba had done to Ben, more than the briefest details, he might have been able to hold himself back a little more. Or at least have been able to reconsider it after the request had tumbled out. But they hadn’t told him and all he knew was Ben would do whatever he wanted right now and he was desperate for blood from a person. Maybe it wasn’t human, but it would more than do.

As soon as Ben agreed Ichabod dropped the bundle of clothes he’d been carrying onto the coffee table and the hand on the blonde’s chest, accompanied by one now on his arm, guided the blonde to sit on the couch. Ichabod was instantly straddling him, the predator inside which he so often tried to get to do it’s job not wanting to make it easy for Ben to get away. His right hand pressed against Ben’s shoulder whilst his left rested against the sofa to help keep his balance.

He dropped his head to give the smear of blood on Ben’s chest a lick, unable to wait longer for a taste although it was exactly the same as the blood in his almost full mug on the table. It tasted different this way though. His mouth quickly moved to Ben’s throat, nuzzling and probing with his tongue, trying to find where to bite. It was difficult though, with no heart beat to guide him, no tell tale movements, just Ben’s pale skin and himself not wanting to wait. Ichabod let out a moan of frustration, his eyes squeezing shut for a moment as his hand curled into a fist and smacked into the sofa just above Ben’s shoulder.

Rip, tear, drink, feed. He’ll heal. Need it now. Faster.

It was so tempting, so close, but Ichabod could just about stop himself from acting as savagely as he wanted to at the moment. He returned to his search, taking in a calming breath as letting his hand relax to stroke over Ben’s shoulder soothingly (for Ichabod at least).

Eventually he managed to find the right spot and his teeth sank in deep. Ichabod let out a much happier, satisfied sounding murmur as he drank, his eyes shutting as he got what he wanted after what felt like an age but had only been a couple of minutes since the blood had been spilt. And damn, it tasted amazing.

[Trillian]

He let himself be led, though he felt like he was walking as though someone had kicked him in the balls.  His legs were a combination of stiff and jelly-like, and he concentrated on them in order for them to carry him without a hitch to wherever Ichabod was leading him.  When he was taken to the sofa, he sat obediantly and avoided eye contact with his blood brother.  He didn\'t have to worry about not staring at Ichabod, because the other vampire was being pretty efficient at getting to what he wanted.  Unusually so.  It wasn\'t like him, but then, the heady smell of blood was making Ben want to act on it too.  He positioned his head in the easiest place for Ichabod to be able to drink, knowing that the lack of a heartbeat would make it difficult, and the strange quality of his cold skin would be more difficult to bite through.

The sensation wasn\'t unpleasant, but it was a far cry from being pleasant also.  There wasn\'t that overwhelming sexual ebb that had caused Ben to lose his inhibitions as a mortal, nor that wonderful warm feeling that used to tingle down his spine and throughout his body.  There were two memories here, warring with one another, while Ichabod drank from him.  The first one was an image of the dark skinned vampire who\'d taken him hostage, demanding that Ben give in freely (laughable), and the second was of Kerr, and their practise of sharing blood together, drinking from one another.  It was harder to conjure the second memory, only because this wasn\'t a sharing exercise.  At the same time, Ben kept his eyes open in order to see as well as feel and smell that it was Ichabod at his throat.  This was enough to banish the first image.

He wanted to close his eyes, to help him tolerate what was happening, to simply let his mind wander until Ichabod had his fill, but he was too scared to.  Letting his gaze fix on a spot on the ceiling, he listened to Ichabod drinking away the blood he\'d only just collected for himself, causing Ben to feel hungrier with every swallow. He needed to take his mind off it, yet he could feel himself reverting to a kind of numbness anyway.  The memory was too powerful and it consumed him more heartily than Ichabod was consuming his blood.

He became aware of his hands, both settled high on Ichabod\'s legs.  He squeezed his fingers into Ichabod\'s thigh before rubbing with the heels of his hands.  After these strange caresses, his hands moved around to Ichabod\'s rump before stroking up his back, swiping his nails over the thin material of Ichabod\'s shirt.  He became very aware of Ichabod\'s chest pressing against his own in places, and the tingling memory of where his tongue had licked upon Ben\'s own chest.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod drank slowly, thanks to the unusual effort of having to pull for the blood rather than it flowing easily and so he was able to feel when the blood lust began to ebb, rather than it taking over completely like it almost did so often. So many times he’d felt like he was on the edge, he could just keep going on and on and on until no more blood flowed. But so far he had managed to resist.

The feel of Ben’s hands on his was relaxing, soothing, encouraging. His hips moved gently, reacting to the hands moving over him, the heady smell of blood making him want more than just the blood. He didn’t even care who it was under him, he was barely aware of it.

The brunette pulled back after too long, ready to bite his lip to heal the wound, wanting to go on to more. But Ben was healing before he could even finish the thought of healing him. Ichabod blinked in surprise at the sight, then sat up straighter, his gaze flickering to Ben’s silvery eyes, his body stiffening. He’d let himself get carried away, everything had been so fuzzy, all he’d wanted was blood and then sex. Not this though. This wasn’t right.

Ichabod scrambled backwards, crashing into the coffee table and weaving around it, moving quickly until he made it to the window, pressing his back against it, a terrified look in his dark eyes.

“He’s going to hate me,” he whispered, his eyes fixed on his brother, one hand idly rubbing at his shirt where blood from Ben’s chest had rubbed off on it. He’d done what Ben had done to him. Forced him into this. Ben was trying to be his friend and Ichabod had taken advantage. He should give him a drink, let him shower, make him get out. But it wouldn’t change anything. Kerr was never going to forgive him.

[Trillian]

With Ichabod rocking against him, grinding gently, Ben wondered if more would happen anyway.  Once the drinking stopped and Ichabod reacted the way he did afterward, Ben knew it was unlikely.  Hearing Ichabod\'s fears had Ben shake his head.

"I doubt it. It\'s all in the telling," he replied, feeling much better now that it was over. He knew himself well enough to know his mind would worry at it and make him feel like crap afterward, once he was away from here, but right now he felt like he could bounce back and ignore his earlier fears.  "Kerr will want to know what happened tonight, so I have to tell him, but I can make it sound like progress," he said with a shrug, looking steadily at Ichabod from where he sat, hands on his jeans clad knees.

He wondered if his courage, temporary as it was, was vibrating along their blood, considering they\'d refreshed their connection.  He certainly had a clearer picture on the guilt Ichabod was feeling, and he didn\'t think he would\'ve felt it if his blood wasn\'t mingling inside Ichabod\'s veins right now.

"Can I have another cup?" he asked shortly, still unwilling to stand up for he doubted his legs would hold him.

[pinkroses]

His head shook a little as Ben spoke, disbelieving him and the confidence flowing from Ben combined with his steady words only made Ichabod feel worse. Ben was going to go home to Kerr, tell him everything, from his point of view. It was always first from Ben. Always. And even if Ichabod managed to get in first, he was always overreacting, being ridiculous, scared. Ben was the one to be believed.

And Ben could try to make it look like progress, but he couldn’t remember the last time. He couldn’t remember how Ichabod had felt then, how furious Kerr had been afterwards. Yes, there had been a lot more to that, but this could be seen as a start.

“A cup?” he breathed quietly, staring blankly at Ben without really hearing the question before he shook himself out of it.

“Oh, blood, yeah, I’ll just…” he said, his voice trailing off as he headed to the kitchen, going through the motions as his mind raced. They couldn’t keep it from Kerr, even if Ichabod asked Ben to. But he wouldn’t, because Kerr would find out eventually, somehow. And Ichabod was scared enough as it was, he didn’t want to be waiting constantly for Kerr to find out.

“Maybe you should drink from me,” he said, thinking outloud as he frowned at the cup he was pouring warm blood into. “Maybe that would… cancel it out?” he said hesitantly, hating the idea of it. Imagining seeing Ben looming over him, pressing him against a wall, having to give in. It wouldn’t cancel out their bonding though, it would make it stronger and Ichabod would ideally have no connection to his brother at all, but it was too late for that.

“Or would it make it worse?” he added, still half talking to himself, needing to reason it out as he came back to the sofa, holding out the blood to Ben with a shaking hand.

[Trillian]

It was funny, how hindsight could be contain more clarity.  While he\'d spoken, he\'d watched Ichabod shake his head minutely, but that was because he\'d thought the other doubted he could spin it in Ichabod\'s favour.  It was only afterward, when Ichabod moved away towards the kitchen that Ben considered Ichabod didn\'t want him to say anything at all.  Well, he could possibly do that, but Ben\'s loyalty was greater to his sire than to his blood brother, and all three of them knew this.  He was going to ask Ichabod what he thought was best, and once again chastised himself for taking over again, even though he\'d been trying to help.

Ben twisted around on the lounge at Ichabod\'s suggestion, in order to look at him.  He didn\'t know why Ichabod would consider such a thing.  Wouldn\'t that put Ben into a dominant position once again?  He\'d thought Ichabod would prefer being in charge.  Wasn\'t this where all their problems stemmed from?  At the same time, he didn\'t want to shoot down the other\'s idea, because he was supposed to be agreeable.

"It\'s up to you," he said finally, after Ichabod muttered the final question to himself and Ben realised belatedly that Ichabod hadn\'t addressed him directly.  "I don\'t want you to feel... obligated to do anything that would make you uncomfortable."

Ben pressed his lips together to stop himself from saying more.  This was enough, and it wasn\'t a suggestion for Ichabod to do anything either way.  He hoped his blood brother would see it that way and not another attempt to steer their night together in a direction Ben wanted.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod raised an eyebrow in disbelief. Was he fucking kidding?

“If you didn’t want me to feel obligated to do anything, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t have turned up and said that if didn’t let you in you would just keep coming back until I did. That, and all of this…” Ichabod gestured at the two of them and around the apartment in general, “…this all makes me uncomfortable and I’m only doing it because you and Kerr think it’s a good idea.”

He put the mug of blood down on the table within Ben’s reach and turned away from the blonde, not wanting to hear any reply, but knowing one was probably coming as he moved to sit in one of the arm chairs, as far away from Ben as he could get without leaving the area.

“When you’ve drunk that I’ll let you a towel so you can shower. Then you can go back to Kerr and tell him… whatever,” he said with a shrug, still terrified by the idea but there was nothing he could do about it. He’d fucked up. And although having Ben drink from him had seemed like a good idea for a few seconds he didn’t know if he would be able to handle Ben coming at him like that. Not when he was in this mood with his brother.

[Trillian]

Ben was astounded at Ichabod\'s fury at him.  What?  What?  He gaped at the other vampire, feeling like Ichabod really was a useless, clueless asshole.  Ben had been wanting to make amends so badly that he\'d sacrificed his blood!  Over something he didn\'t even recall doing!  Maybe he\'d been possessed, (though by everything Kerr had told him, it certainly sounded more like he\'d tried to wriggle out of the consequences by blaming something unexplainable, but hell, what did he know, when he\'d been part of a demonic ritual in the middle of the fucking desert?), and maybe Ichabod had to get the fuck over it.

It was likely the heady mixture of a number of things pushing him to this outcome, but once Ichabod finished with his sanctimonious shit, Ben made his legs work out of willpower, finding they had the strength to hold him now that he was pissed off to the extreme.

"That\'s your biggest fucking problem with me, isn\'t it!" he snarled, though it wasn\'t so much a question as a statement.  "The fact that I can go back to Kerr and you can\'t!  I came here to be friends with you but I see now that there\'s no fucking point, because it\'s not the past I need forgiveness for, it\'s the present!  It doesn\'t matter that I bullied you in the past, or that I always take charge, it\'s the fact that given a choice between you and me, Kerr chose me, like he has always chosen me!"

He was feeling light headed and hollow, and thought that had more to do with the lack of blood than what had transpired between Ichabod and himself.  He was still standing and glaring at Ichabod on the armchair, the coffee table making a nice barricade between them.  If Ichabod said nothing in return in the next few seconds silence, then Ben would head for the door - blood in the cup ignored.

[pinkroses]

“Yes, yes, I’m fucking jealous,” Ichabod snapped back at Ben from where he was seated. Wasn\'t it obvious? Had Ben seriously only just realised? Maybe if they had started off better things would have worked better - Ichabod might have been able to be happy for the two of them if he\'d liked Ben - he could have been glad two of his friends managed to get together. But he didn\'t like Ben because of what had happened. And he didn\'t think he was good enough for Kerr. He\'d left. He\'d hurt Kerr over and over again. And Kerr always took him back.

“You always get him and I’m just… hanging on. But I don’t want to be. I don’t like being miserable and hating you.” Ichabod rubbed his nose in frustration, his eyes shutting for a moment.

“That’s why I was asking you all that shit. I want to stop caring. Kerr thinks if I go fuck a load of strangers that’ll happen but I can’t and it doesn’t work,” he said, his voice breaking half way through, unable to keep a steady voice like his brother could.

He didn’t move from his position in the armchair, not trying to stop Ben if he left, although he still needed help and Ben was the only person he knew who to ask. He had no other friends, other than Ash who he wouldn’t feel comfortable talking about this with. He might try to come on to him and although Ichabod didn’t like the idea at the moment he didn’t know whether he would be able to say no. Other people he knew were just acquaintances, again, not people he would want to talk about this with. And now he wasn\'t even living close to Kerr he was feeling the distance from his sire even more and hating it constantly.

[Trillian]

Ben glared at Ichabod until he spoke of not wanting to care, then his hard gaze lost its edge and he looked at Ichabod with uncertainty. His thoughts returned to what he\'d been like when he\'d come back from New York, even though that had been about rebellion, not emotionlessness. He remembered being numb though, about making every decision with his head and not his heart.  Apparently this was a common tactic of his, as Kerr had described him as running away once and seeking out such numbness, after being sired.  He wanted those memories back.

It occurred to him that he could reclaim them, though he\'d not wanted them before.

He was losing his focus.  His gaze dropped to the new cup on the table before him, and he stepped forward to take it, reaching down and picking it up, drinking from it so quickly that he had a red moustache to swipe away when he finished with his drink.  He felt much better after that; enough to feel confident in his answer to Ichabod - though his voice was gentle rather than its usual knowing tone.

"You don\'t want to stop caring, even though it sounds a good idea." Ben glanced behind himself to check where the couch was and sat on it, very aware of the feeling of leather against his bare back, while looking at Ichabod with mixed expressions.  "Or have sex with loads of people. You and..." he paused, unhappy with himself. "It doesn\'t work the way you hope it will. It just takes away who you are, and replaces you with someone you don\'t really like or recognize."

He was a far cry from that young mortal boy who\'d entered Risk looking for a vampire.  Or maybe he wasn\'t, after all he\'d worked so hard all his life for this outcome, even while thinking vampires weren\'t real. He knew it wouldn\'t solve all his problems, but it wasn\'t like he\'d had the most straightforward path.

He sighed.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod stared at the blood on the floor as Ben spoke, more willing to listen to the blonde when it didn’t sound like he was trying to make demands. And he was saying things Ichabod could understand and wanted to be told, that he didn’t have to go out there and stop caring about who he was with. But what he was saying wasn’t helping. It might be nice to hear but it made no difference.

“Might replace me with someone you and Kerr want to be around,” Ichabod replied quietly, giving a tiny shrug. Yes, Kerr said he loved him, but they couldn’t live together. He and Ben could hardly go an hour without bickering at the best of times. With things as they were him being a part of their lives just made everyone feel awkward and uncomfortable and Ichabod didn’t want to be the cause of that. Even though Kerr chose Ben, Ichabod still wanted him to be happy.

[Trillian]

Ben wasn\'t surprised that his perception wasn\'t welcome.  Ichabod didn\'t want his advice, so why would he want his knowledge?  Yet, here he was, pining for acceptance.  Ben had never met anyone so contrary.

"If you think sleeping around will turn you into someone Kerr wants, then go for it.  What do I know?"  Ben asked, and though his words could be said savagely, they came out sounding tired instead.  "Maybe you should sleep with me.  If you can stomach that... Kerr\'s sounding curious about threesomes with me lately."  He shrugged.  The conversation had come up a couple of times, and he\'d expected Kerr to go to Cain because he had Ben\'s permission to do so, but Kerr still hadn\'t visited the newest donor in their ranks.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod gave a sigh as Ben said he should go sleep with a load of people if that’s what he thought Kerr wanted. That was the point, he didn’t think he could do that. He’d slept with Melissa, but all that happened was he’d felt guilty, dirty, like he was betraying Kerr somehow.

He dark eyes flickered upwards at Ben’s latest suggestion, a look of surprise on his face, trying to see a hint of something in Ben’s face, anything. A sign of a joke, of anger, upset, anything, but he always found Ben hard to read, even when they shared blood.

“You… you would let me sleep with Kerr?” he said warily because Ben hadn’t actually said that. He’d said they should sleep together, that Kerr was curious, not that it would come to anything. Ichabod just wanted to be with Kerr and Ben was in the way. But if he was just… there, not stopping it… The way he phrased it though, made it sound like Ichabod would have to sleep with Ben alone first - maybe to show that he could do it.

“Why would you?” Ben was here for these few hours to let Ichabod do what he wanted, to empower him, but outside of that, Ichabod had no idea why Ben would be suggesting such a thing.