Fallout

[Trillian]

When Kerr didn't even have the courtesy of returning his greeting, Ben knew that tonight was going to be a bad night.  He felt ambushed and as though Kerr was being a parent rather than a lover.  He'd only just woken up, and even though Kerr's presence had the effect of ice water on Ben's face, he still felt like he was mentally catching up.

Have at what?  What?  What the hell did he mean?  Ben didn't remember his exact words for dismissing his sire's plea for him to join him last night, so the starting question threw him.  The second question caught him up, enough to know that Kerr had been stewing over his words so intensely that he could probably recite Ben's statement back at him.  Well, as much as he didn't recall exactly what was said, (or thought, as the case was), he remembered the sentiment behind it and didn't need Kerr to analyse every single piece of his statement.

Ben looked at him steadily, feeling strangely calm in opposition to the turmoil that was thrumming in his direction.  It wasn't numbness, no, because his own emotions were stirring, it was more a feeling of control.

"Looks like you've had time to shower and dress.  If you don't mind I'd like the same courtesy before we talk about this."

He was blocking his thoughts, the barrier solid between them, because he didn't want a hint of his thoughts escaping.  Otherwise Kerr would be hearing words like 'ambush', 'unreasonable' and 'father', which were not words Ben wanted to share with him, or say out loud.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr stared at Ben for a moment, looking almost as if he couldn't understand what was being said to him, simply because it wasn't anything to do with what he'd asked.  When it finally registered, his expression cleared except for a frown and he saw that he would have to wait a little longer for his answers.

"Fine," he barked and, too restless to sit still now that Ben was actually awake, he stood abruptly.  "I'll be... out in the lounge," he decided spontaneously.  He spun on his heel and stalked out immediately, resisting the urge to add further biting comments or smash that fucking mental barrier between them to pieces.  As long as Ben eventually came to him and used words, he wouldn't have to deal harshly with it.

He sat at the right end of the couch facing the huge plate glass windows that separated their living space from the brightly lit city, feet close to the furniture and elbows on his knees so his clasped hands wouldn't break anything.  He pressed his lips to his thumbnails and tried to calm himself while he waited.

[Trillian]

Ben didn't linger.  As soon as Kerr left the room, he was up and out, naked and showering before the first minute was up.  He did take a further five minutes to clean himself and hold his face beneath the spray, in order to collect himself and his now whirling thoughts.  Every time his mind wanted to recite a speech to Kerr about last night, he squashed it, wanting to keep everything more sincere and spontaneous.  Kerr would want to lead their conversation with questions, and Ben was happy to let him.  He was determined to address each question with an answer that would hopefully clarify to Kerr that Ben was justified to deny him his presence.

Fuck.  The fact he had to justify himself at all just sucked.  Sucked hard, in fact.  After he finished his showering (foregoing a shampoo, feeling it would be testing Kerr's patience to take too much time), he towelled himself dry and sent out a tentative mental reel for Ichabod, retreating when he touched a slumbering mind.  His fledge brother was still young, and Ben had woken earlier than usual as well (thanks to Kerr's mental desire to have him wake up, probably).

He dressed in the first things he grabbed out of his drawers; undies, navy cargo shorts and a white polo shirt.  The thought of choosing a different shirt came to mind as he took a glimpse of himself in the mirror and thought he looked like he was about to go boating, but once he stepped into the living room and joined his sire, clothes were the furthest thing from his mind.

"Thanks," he said, wanting to start on a civil footing, sitting himself on an adjacent armchair, closest to Kerr.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr didn't move immediately, though his eyes swivelled to look in Ben's direction as he sat down close to him.  It surprised him, that he'd sat close, as opposed to the end of the couch he was on, but he didn't comment on it.  He'd spent his time deciding that his previous question for Ben had been too aggressive, that he needed to take a more succinct route, rather than just letting passion and anger rule him.

"It's fine," he dismissed crisply, dropping his hands away from his face and sliding his ass back onto the couch properly, his right arm falling along the arm of the seat while his left draped across his thigh.  His thumb was jiggling against the inside seam of his jeans, causing a slight scritching noise that he spoke over, his gaze directed at Ben.  "I need you to tell me why you refused to come with me, and blocked me out, last night," he stated clearly, leaving it at that.

[Trillian]

Ben was silent a moment, for Kerr had started with a very complex question.  He was sitting back in the chair, looking more relaxed than he felt, with his right ankle on his left knee, his left hand holding it in place, his right hand unmoving on the chair arm.  There were so many ways to answer such a question, so many different reasons behind it, but of course there was the biggest in-his-face reason that had motivated him to deny Kerr and shut him out, and this was what he led with.

"I mentioned the ghost because I didn't want to start a bigger argument," he began softly.  "I didn't like the choices you made.  You chose to get stinking drunk, when you could've excused yourself from the party instead.  You used Cain to plaster yourself on, and then made it common knowledge that he's... important to you."

He paused, expecting Kerr to interrupt him because of his use of that word.  In his mind, in less than a second, he could hear Kerr's scoffing sound and the denial 'he's not important to me!'.

This imaginary reaction caused him to fist his right hand.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr flinched at the admonishing statements, closing his eyes and pressing his lips together as he weathered another bout of nausea inspired by the humiliation he'd brought upon them all the night before.  This was something he couldn't deny, especially since his memory of the entire incident was a swirling, colourful mess of falling and bouncing and dizziness.  No doubt worse would come at him than this, because this was someone who loved him and many didn't.

Swallowing, he opened his eyes again and looked at Ben once more.  "I made many mistakes," he admitted, "and I'll no doubt face a great deal more recrimination for my stupidity.  You're right.  I should've just turned around and left the ball when I walked in the door and realised how staggering it would all be.  Should've; but I didn't and I'll have to deal with that.  Later.  So, you're telling me that you refused to listen to my pleas, ignored my need for you because you were mad at me and wanted to punish me?" he continued, his brisk words returning once he'd waded through the miasma of contemplating the fallout of his idiotic actions with Cain.

His mind was whirring, picking at Ben's wording, focussing on the mention of Cain as being important... and that 'common knowledge' bit.  Meaning he'd already embarrassed Ben by draping himself over Cain, like some sort of common whore, and his lover couldn't forgive that?  It was alright for Ben to know what he did with Cain, as long as it was private because... what?  It undermined Ben's importance and reputation if it happened in public?  Even before the debacle of the falling over?  He was observing Ben's expression and connecting these verbal clues as he saw fit, but he wasn't ready to put these things into questions yet, rather hoping Ben might volunteer and save him the effort, if he kept his questions clear and clinical.

[Trillian]

Ben was so surprised not to hear Kerr's opposition to his wording that it took him a moment to realise that he was hearing something different.  When Kerr spoke of receiving recrimination for his actions, Ben lowered his gaze to his held ankle, unable to look at his sire.  He was sorry that it had happened, he hadn't wanted it to happen, he wouldn't wish something humiliating on his sire or anyone else he loved, but he couldn't summon the amount of compassion for Kerr that he knew was expected.

Frowning at Kerr's last statement and consequent question, he looked back at him once more.

"I didn't want to punish you," he said, because it wasn't about giving Kerr an even worse night (though he understood that was what happened due to his refusal), "I just couldn't bring myself to comfort you, not when you..." he trailed off, thinking it out.

He'd known exactly what had happened, though he hadn't seen it for himself, because he'd picked up on Ichabod's emotions so easily.  Kerr might have been dulled to Ichabod's passionate swing from anger and resentment to rejection and eventual concern but Ben had felt it dully in his temples (though he'd missed the guilt because he'd shut himself off so well afterwards).

"Not with the way everything rolled out.  Ichabod was already there for you.  I would've been there for you, if you'd summoned me.  But you went to him, and we both felt what he did for you."  He found a breath of laughter somewhere to puff out.

Everybody knew now what Cain did for Kerr and somehow that made Ben feel cheap.  He'd given the go ahead, right?  He'd said so because he didn't want to keep Kerr in a choke hold, the way Themba had kept Ben in a choke hold.  Was he like his tormenter now?  Saying 'go, show yourself off, put yourself out there' and then punishing him for doing just that?

He was confused now, and the ironic humour expressed in his face made way for his newest emotion.

[Existentially Odd]

"Yes, but you weren't there for me, not when I asked," Kerr ground out, finding the anger swelling in him again, "and that's what I'm so upset about.  Do I make such a habit of begging for your help that you couldn't find it in yourself to come to me when I was obviously at my lowest?"  His voice was high, indignant, his head tilted and his eyes narrowed as he asked this question rapidly.

He'd thought long and hard over it in the past hours and he couldn't remember a time when he'd made such a monumental request of Ben, but he was genuinely interested to find out if he was wrong.  Perhaps he was martyring himself and he actually did make so many demands that one under such heinous circumstances had been easy for Ben to shrug off.

All he'd needed was Ben's presence, that would've been enough, but he couldn't 'bring himself to offer comfort'.  Because of Cain.  Again, the reference wasn't lost on him but he found it hard to believe because that part was the least significant, to him.

[Trillian]

Ben's confusion gave way to a frown, as all thoughts of Themba and motivation within motivation was put aside for later.

"I was there for you, if you'd wanted support, but you didn't want it.  You wanted a pity party after everything went wrong.  If you wanted me to be there for you, you should've called for me before you got so drunk, before you abandoned Ichabod to look for Cain and made him feel like shit, before you decided to sneak away with Cain after drinking from him.  You didn't want my support, you wanted me to cuddle you after everything blew up in your face.  I wasn't in the mood to cuddle you, and I'm surprised Ichabod was so quick to forgive you considering you rejected him for Cain so blatently."

Ben had no idea that Ichabod had withheld his emotions from his sire, nor that he'd been responsible for Cain getting drunk for Kerr to drink from.  Ben would be saying very different things, in this case.

Somehow, during his statement to Kerr, he'd started leaning forward in his chair, and now he settled back in it and made himself unclench his hand from a fist, though he didn't avert his gaze from Kerr's face, wanting to see if his words had made any impact.  He'd been surprised at Kerr's last reaction to them, so would he be surprised again?  His emotions had started to rise, so as he waited, he worked on calming himself down again, before he ended up saying something heated and unforgiveable.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's heart went cold and a very familiar ache started up inside him.  He disconnected from it before it overwhelmed him, knowing it would cripple his ability to formulate any sort of coherent argument.  He could wallow in that later.

"I see," he said mildly, swallowing down the urge to comment about Ben's surprise at Ichabod's forgiveness, for it would be counterproductive to what he wanted to know.  What he needed to hear.  "So what I'm hearing is a whole lot of disapproval and a focus on the Cain part of things," he summarised questioningly, sounding much like he always did in his boardroom interviews now.  Brisk and emotionless.  It was easier that way.

"Is this... just because of last night?  Or is there more?  Because I have to say... I've noticed you haven't been particularly... demonstrative, lately.  Oh, you've responded when I've initiated things with you and it seemed fine enough that I didn't really question it but I was doing a lot of thinking last night and I have to wonder... is there something else you haven't been telling me?"

[Trillian]

"Yes, I disapprove," Ben said to Kerr's summary, repeating it to him though it sounded too insignificant to deal with the complexity of what Ben had felt.  Disapproval was highest on Ben's list, however, so it would do.

The confusion in his expression returned as Kerr's questioning took a turn in a direction that Ben hadn't anticipated.  He was caught off guard by it so completely that it struck him dumb for a long moment as he thought about what Kerr was

accusing him of

saying to him.  Was it true?  Had he not been initiating sexual intimacy between them?  How long had this gone for that Kerr had noticed?  Was it just coincidence?  Perhaps Kerr got horny before Ben did.  He couldn't really tell, and it wasn't like the quantity of sex they experienced had decreased significantly - or at all.  A tidbit of information about lowered sexual interest in one's partner niggled at him, and he wondered if Kerr was trying to slyly ask him something.  Ben had given him the go ahead for Cain after all, it might imply Ben was wanting a go ahead with someone else for himself.

He was calm again, but wary when next he spoke.

"I'm not sleeping around, if that's what you mean.  I don't share myself with anyone but you."

He didn't know how to respond to the statements about never initiating.  He'd not been aware of it, himself.

[Existentially Odd]

"That's not what I meant," Kerr answered dismissively, frowning as his question was misconstrued.  "I meant have you changed your mind about me and Cain or...?" he trailed off with a shrug, impatient because he was frustrated with everything.  All this talking and he still wasn't hearing what he wanted to hear.  "Or me," he added suddenly.  "Have you changed your mind about me and what you feel for me?"  A tingle crawled across his scalp for no apparent reason as he asked Ben if he still loved him, the closest to a shiver of apprehension as he was likely to feel.

[Trillian]

"Don't be silly," Ben said, still frowning but smiling reassuringly at the same time, which made for a peculiar mix on his face.  "And no, I haven't changed my mind about Cain, I just don't want it being everyone's business," he explained, uncomfortable with the idea that now everybody knew and they would have more ammunition against him.  It wasn't as if anybody even said mean things to him, and he supposed he was an egotist for thinking they cared about him at all enough to gossip about him, but he would be naive to think they wouldn't talk about the Luminary's affairs - both public and private, and now.

He wanted to add more, to tell Kerr more, but he withheld himself.  He wanted his sire to ask everything he needed to and not go off on tangents.

[Existentially Odd]

"Silly," Kerr repeated in a hollow whisper, not responding to Ben's smile, for his expression was frozen into something akin to horrified, his brown eyes clouded with raw agony.  He could feel it, so he looked away, down at his lap, nodding as if Ben had continued speaking and he was agreeing vaguely with him, trying to think his way out of this, to understand... but he didn't.

Don't be silly
that's
so silly
silly of me to think
you could love me without judgment
support me
even when you don't agree with what I do
help me
when I ask you to
I was a pity party
I was
I was pitiful
I was pitied
I was
because of you

It suddenly seemed so hopeless, though.  Ben was blocked to him, even though he was thinking openly, because he wasn't used to being shut out.  But he was probably silly for thinking that, too.

It all started to swirl in his head, the verbalisations on one hand, the recriminations on the other and the distance in between.  It didn't feel right, and he definitely wasn't right and... he swiped a hand down his face and stood up abruptly, turning and shambling towards the front door.  "I need to... go and... think," he mumbled dazedly, staring at the carpet as he went rather than looking at Ben.  There was a weird effect of shimmering and jumping happening at the periphery of his vision, but he could see perfectly clearly when he focussed straight ahead so he did that, not figuring out what that other stuff was and not wanting to know.  He just watched his bare feet taking him forward, kicking out from beneath the hem of his jeans, thinking only about getting his wallet but not his phone.

He didn't want to talk to anybody anyway.  Words only seemed to be getting in his way, he felt like he was swimming in them and they were thick and weighted.

[Trillian]

He'd thought it was going well.  They weren't shouting at one another.  They were talking about their feelings.  Ben wasn't giving big speeches.  He was answering Kerr's questions as directly as possible because he knew that was what his lover liked.  It simplified the crap out of his very complicated emotions, and not explaining himself further or trying to clarify the multitude of emotions he'd had both last night and tonight when he thought about it, had been difficult.  It had been a strangely flat conversation, but he'd done it because that's what Kerr had always told him he wanted.

The flat conversation had yielded very flat results.  Kerr hadn't seemed to appreciate Ben's attempt at giving straight-forward, simple answers.  Perhaps, even though he criticised Ben for doing this throughout the history Ben couldn't remember but had been told about, he preferred tears and shouting and drama.  He was certainly being dramatic now.  In hindisight, as Ben watched him make his way out, Kerr was a dramatic kind of person - not so much in actions, but certainly in almost everything he thought or said.  Huh.

"Yes, run away, because I proved that works."

He hadn't meant to say anything, he'd intended on giving Kerr the exit he'd wanted, but this was just insane.  Kerr was the one who got drunk, Kerr was the one who'd thrown himself at his favourite slut, Kerr was the one who'd made himself look a dick in front of everyone who mattered at the party, and now Ben was getting a hard time?

He stood up, and all thoughts of a sleeping Ichabod left his head as he raised his voice and continued along that vein.

"You fucking hypocrite," he said with obvious anger, seeing Kerr was now looking at him, and talking rapidly before he was interrupted.  "The amount of times we had trouble in the past, and you made it very clear in your storytelling thanks to my absent memory, that I refused to take responsibility for what I said or did to you.  Now it's time for you to own it, but look at you!  Running away because I wouldn't come to you when you mewled for me.  I was your third choice for support!  Third!  Your first was the alcohol.  Second was Cain.  Cain!  Some blood slut that you have the hots for.  And then, after those two very supportive things fell through, then you called for Ichabod and me.  And now you have the gall to look at me like I'm a traitor.  Maybe next time you'll ask for my help before you attempt to fix it up on your own."

He stopped

so much for no speeches

and stared at Kerr, not knowing what would happen next.  Would Kerr mumble something else and leave?  Would he come back?  Ben didn't care, he was still hurt and angry from being the target of blame.

There was still another card he could play if Kerr didn't come around, but he really didn't want to go there.