To Sleep, Perchance To Dream

[Trillian]

BEN WAS ROCKED FROM HIS foundation a great deal more than he'd realised after Ichabod left.  He waved goodbye from the driveway, went back inside, and then had entire conversations with Murphy that he couldn't remember.  He had the vague notion of playing pool with his friend, but that was all, really.  By instinct he'd known the sun would come up in roughly an hour, and when they finished their fourth game together, Ben mentioned he would like to go to bed.  Murphy's bed.  With Murphy.

His friend had smiled and gone upstairs with him, obviously tip-toeing around him again because of how he was acting, and as Murphy got the bed ready and undressed into his sleeping clothes, Ben went into the bathroom to brush his teeth.  He didn't think he got decay anymore, but there was always the idea of tasting blood in his mouth and he preferred not to have red-stained teeth either.  It had taken him years to drop his nightly shower routine, also - and had gone for every second day.  He didn't sweat much anymore.

When he opened the cabinet, he saw there were only a few things in it.  A very old bottle of baby oil (he had a peculiar memory of something being stuck in something else when he'd bought the bottle to unstick it, then forgotten where he'd put the bottle later - this was pre New York); a box of travelling tissues; a cup with his toothbrush in it that he'd brought down from his room after he began sharing Murphy's bed, and a tube of toothpaste rolled up at the end.

He picked up this last object, and his toothbrush, running it under water before going through the ritual of brushing his teeth.  He did it with the cabinet door open, so he wouldn't have to look at himself while doing it.  The more he could live with his head in the sand right now, the better he was.  He didn't want to have to look at his own face and stare into guilty eyes.  When he was done he replaced the toothbrush and paste, shut the mirrored door (whilst already turning away), and headed into the bedroom where Murphy already was.

"Having a shower?" he asked, undressing to his underwear and then crawling into bed and pulling the sheets up to his chin.

[pinkroses]

Murphy couldn’t really believe Ichabod had just left. Ben hadn’t said what had gone on between them, but Murphy had heard the shouting earlier and then Ichabod had gone. Ben was obviously shaken up and Murphy had no idea if anything he was doing was helping. All he really could do was try to be there for Ben and attempt to distract the blonde if he looked like he needed it. That was difficult though and he knew he wasn’t being very successful.

So when Ben had asked to share his bed again Murphy hadn’t even given it a second thought and agreed without hesitation.

When he friend reappeared from the bathroom Murphy had changed into the cotton shorts he usually wore to bed and he scooped up his washbag – he still hadn’t started leaving his toiletries in the bathroom yet because he hadn’t been here long enough for him to have stopped feeling like a guest yet so he was still living out of a suitcase.

“No, I’ll have one when I get up. Just need to brush my teeth,” Murphy said, gesturing slightly with the bag before disappearing into the bathroom. He brushed his teeth thoroughly and then scrubbed his face, trying to wash away the worries of the night but he knew it wouldn’t be easy for Ben, none of this was. Trying to help the two fledglings yet through this had stopped him from thinking about his own worries about his article and the trouble it had caused at least, but he wished that could have happened some other way.

Murphy soon made his way back into the bedroom, leaving his washbag on the desk before slipping into bed beside Ben, rolling on his side to face Ben.

“Did you hear anything from Ichabod getting there safely?” he asked, unsure about whether bringing up Ben’s brother would be a good plan but feeling like he should ask. They couldn’t just ignore it.

[Trillian]

"Yeh, he texted me," Ben said, and immediately pulling himself closer to Murphy.  He'd have to make sure to have a warm baggie before retiring tomorrow night, as well as sitting in front of the fire while drinking it.  He could feel Murphy's initial flinch from Ben's cool skin.  "Sorry," he whispered, but he wasn't sorry enough to move away.  The bed would warm him up, anyway, as well as Murphy himself.  He didn't want to lose contact with Murphy's warmth and beating heart.

The desire to drink from his friend was there again.  He stamped on it.  There was no way he could possibly do it safely three times in a row, and it would be a very bad habit.  Instead, he snuggled, facing Murphy and bowing his head to tuck it beneath Murphy's chin, adjusting himself a little lower on Murphy's frame, so they could be comfortable.  He draped an arm over the mortal, and his foot inserted itself between Murphy's, but other that those more obvious points of contact, there wasn't anything unusual about the way he was pressed against his friend.  Or so he believed.

[pinkroses]

“S’ok,” Murphy murmured, wishing he hadn’t flinched when Ben snuggled close but his body reacted without him seeming to have a say when Ben’s cold skin pressed against him. He silently let Ben arrange himself, very aware that Ben was a lot closer, and the hold more intimate than usual as their bodies wove together.

He dropped his head a little to rest his cheek against the top of Ben’s head, letting his arm fall comfortably around Ben’s shoulders. Ben’s mouth was close to his throat, Murphy knew if Ben had been breathing he would have been able to feel breath on his skin just where Ben would normally bite. But even though it was a delicious feeling and he thought it might help comfort Ben, they couldn’t do it three nights in a row, it just wasn’t sensible. His heart rate picked up a little at the thought of it though and Murphy quickly became very aware of just how intimately Ben had pressed against him.

Murphy instantly felt disgusted at himself at even thinking about how Ben’s leg was pressed between his own – Kerr had died just over a week ago, there was no way he should be thinking about that and he’d never really considered anything more with Ben before. Now was definitely not the right time if there ever would be.

He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of his friend’s head, wishing he could back off a little physically but he didn’t want to upset Ben by doing that.

[Trillian]

Ben closed his eyes, grateful for Murphy's presence.  His friend had come when called, stayed when needed and had proved himself a true friend.  When he heard the mortal's heartbeat speed up, it felt so natural to lift his head and nuzzle Murphy's neck.

Not going to bite, he told himself as he did the usual routine of preparing Murphy's flesh for the sinking of fangs; his lips pressing against Murphy's skin, his tongue sneaking out to press against his neck.  He felt something wet against his cheek and flinched back, thinking he must've bitten Murphy after all, but he saw nothing.  It took him a moment to realise it was a fresh tear that had rolled down his face.

He pulled away just far enough to look at his friend's face in the dark.  Murphy was far more than just a friend, he knew.  There was love and trust there, their emotions ran deep for one another.  There had been a few times when they'd been just hanging out that Ben had looked over at Murphy and wondered: What if?

All those times were coming back to haunt him now.  He'd never acted on them - hell, he'd never wanted to act on them.  But look at things now; Ichabod didn't approve, Kerr had never approved, but it really didn't matter anymore.  Everyone else was gone, but Murphy was still here.  What did that say?  What did something like that mean?

"Kiss me?" he pleaded.

[pinkroses]

The breath caught in Murphy’s throat and a shiver ran down his spin as Ben nuzzled at his skin, finding himself longing for the bite or something else, something more. He’d never let himself think of doing anything like this with Ben before, it would have been pointless, but he could remember times when there had been more of a spark than just friendship and they seemed clearer than he had let them be in the past.

The attention to his throat brought those times to mind and being pressed so close to Ben put Murphy at ease. So when Ben’s request came Murphy didn’t hesitate to lower his head a little to press a lingering, but chaste kiss to Ben’s cool lips. His hand slid up from Ben’s shoulder to cup his cheek tenderly, a thumb brushing away the tear there, not wanting to deny the blonde the comfort he needed.  What other people thought and whether it was appropriate didn’t matter right now, it was just what Ben needed.

Once he'd let himself kiss Ben properly though Murphy found himself quickly swept up in it, it felt like so long since he'd let go with someone and his lips parted as Murphy shifted closer to Ben, leaning into him more and bending his knee a little to ease his leg around Ben's.

[Trillian]

The kiss was beautiful and horrible.  It was pure and evil.  Ben was both unthinking yet acutely aware of the clearly two different paths he could take here.  Murphy was malleable in Ben's hands, and he knew if anything happened now, he would only have himself to blame.  He would be proving everyone right; mostly Ichabod and Kerr.  The thought of his dead lover struck him with such potency that it had the opposite effect on him.  Instead of pulling away, he amped up the passion of their kiss.  His eyes closed, his mouth worked against Murphy's and his tongue sought its partner.

His whole body was screaming no, this is wrong, yet in contrast there was a desire to connect physically with someone.  Murphy was the perfect candidate, for he was an intimate friend, and this wouldn't be a meaningless charade.  How could he want something that he knew would only harm him later?  Would it even harm him later?  Very probably, but only if he went into this blindly.

As far as he was concerned, he was thinking more clearly tonight than he had in those previous.  Kerr was gone, he was dead, and it was horrible and Ben would never really get over him, and being intimate with Murphy wouldn't fill that void but it might numb it.  A vague memory of an old song called Novocaine For The Soul came to him then, but he didn't know who sang it or even why he was so familiar with it.  For some reason his old job at the soft drink factory came to mind - before it had burned down.  He associated that song with that place.

Murphy was his novocaine, and as they kissed, he wondered if he'd been leading up to this anyway - before they'd even gone to Austria.  That country would forever haunt him.

[pinkroses]

When Ben deepened the kiss further Murphy knew he should stop it, warning signs were flashing in the back of his head.

Stop, stop, don’t do it, stop this before it goes too far.

But Murphy didn’t listen to the voice of sense and his body responded without hesitation, rolling onto his back and tugging on Ben’s shoulder to urge the vampire over him. As his tongue worked with Ben’s his hand slid down Ben’s shoulder to rest on his ass, squeezing firmly.

[Trillian]

Once he was atop Murphy, being touched and groped, feeling the warmth of the body beneath him, the split within him deepened.  This kiss was meaningful to Ben.  He'd missed the last opportunity to kiss the man he'd loved, after all.  Now, he was channelling all of his regret and passion into Murphy - not that he was conscious of this.  His heart both mourned and accepted.  There was guilt and regret and sorrow and grief for Kerr, and love and appreciation and warmth and happiness for Murphy.  Here was a man who'd accepted him as Kerr had accepted him; without question, without hesitation.

As Murphy warred with himself, Ben didn't.  Everything was telling him to go ahead, to commit himself to Murphy, to prove his love to him.  Friend or not, of course he loved Murphy, he simply wasn't in love with him, for Kerr had taken that role and Ben couldn't imagine him ever being replaced.  Murphy was platonic yet not - the flirting had been harmless, the closeness a sign of their connection, not because he wanted to bed him.  He understood Kerr's dislike for him because he understood jealousy, he'd never worried about it because he'd never worried about himself.  He'd got to a stage where he could trust himself around Murphy, but couldn't blame Kerr for being unsure.  Ben had made some very peculiar decisions in his past, after all.

But now, as he kissed Murphy, he felt like he was saying goodbye to Kerr.  A kiss his sire had never received, intimacy he'd wanted but been denied.  He was gone, and Ben wasn't celebrating his death with Murphy like Ichabod might think, but he was seeing Kerr off, in a bizarre kind of way.  Perhaps this was another of his peculiar decisions, but whatever it was...

He stopped kissing and grinding and touching, pulling away from Murphy and looking down at him.  His friend was attractive, and devoted, and wonderful, and he wanted to do everything that pleased him, except something was wrong.  His mind hadn't worked it out, but his body had.  There was no physical response from himself, no hardening, not even twitching.  He was flaccid and cool - not even warmed up by what they were doing.  It was humiliating.  Of course there were countless other things they could do, but that would be cheap, he thought.  He'd wanted to share and love and connect, and now he saw that just because this was what he wanted for himself, his body had known better.

"Sorry, I..."

am not going to tell you that
we could've fucked we could've done the
dirty mind dirty soul dirty boy
he loves you he loves you he loved you

He didn't finish his sentence, he just shook his head and shifted himself off Murphy.  He laid beside his friend, but didn't pull away - simply pressed against his side and thoughtful.  He expected his friend would speak, and so he waited for whatever repurcussions of his actions to come.

[pinkroses]

Murphy let his head drop back down onto the pillow as Ben broke away, his breathing heavy and his cheeks flushed, but to be honest he couldn’t help being a little relieved that Ben had stopped it. He let his hands drop away from Ben’s cool body, lifting one to run through his hair as he took a deep breath, trying to steady himself as adrenaline was rushing through his body in anticipation of what they’d almost done.

“Don’t apologise, you don’t need to ever,” Murphy said quietly, rolling onto his side to face Ben, realising as he moved that he had definitely been aroused by the brief encounter and his cheeks grew warmer, wondering how much of that Ben had felt.

He moved onto his back again and lifted one knee, tenting the sheets in an attempt to make things a little less obvious. Murphy didn’t want to press against Ben, but he didn’t move away when Ben rested against him.

“Would have been a bad idea, and probably not helped,” Murphy said, staring up at the ceiling as he spoke and not really thinking about what he was saying as it came out.

[Trillian]

Ben pressed his lips together firmly, then pulled them in a little, hiding them away and stopping himself from saying anything he might regret later, though he nodded to acknowledge Murphy's words.  He was confused and concerned about his own actions.  He thought he knew why he'd started it all, but he hadn't gone through with it... would Murphy have stopped him?

Would have been a bad idea

Murphy obviously believed that if he was saying it already.  Ben was still struggling with what had happened.  He was still very aware that his body had been completely unresponsive, while Murphy had a more normal reaction, and it was screamingly obvious that he was trying to cover it up.  The tented sheet wasn't fooling anybody.  Ben wasn't sure why he was bothering - he'd been pressed up against it just moments ago, so it wasn't like he hadn't felt Murphy's erection on an intimate level.

He wasn't sure if Murphy would've stopped him, but now he'd never know for sure.  There was no point hypothesising whether or not he would've, had Ben been more erotically affected by the kiss.  He did know that he'd thought of Kerr during that kiss; that he'd thought of Kerr and thought of the fact he'd refused kissing him, refused to say goodbye to him before he'd left for Austria.  Like a sullen little kid.

"I think it would be best if you went home tomorrow," he said, trying to sound conversational and normal and as though what had happened between them just now wasn't fuelling his desire to get Murphy away.  "I need to sort my head out without getting... um, mixed up."

And before I ruin my friendship with you, he thought but didn't say, because he knew Murphy would just protest that it wasn't ruined - but it only needed one of them to pull away.  Better to just get rid of Murphy in case Ben talked himself into trying something again, at a time when his body could perform.

[pinkroses]

The breath caught in Murphy’s throat as Ben told him to leave. At least he wasn’t telling him to get out right this moment, but Murphy still felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He knew it was a bad idea, Ben was miserable, Ichabod was gone, if Murphy left Ben was going to be alone and things would only get worse for him.

Normally when he was feeling like this - so rejected and embarrassed – Murphy would have slipped out of bed now and gone to his own bed now. But this was Ben and Murphy cared about his friend.

He rolled over onto his side again to watch Ben in the dim light, taking a deep breath but he could feel his stomach turning over. If he left tomorrow he didn’t know whether Ben would contact him again, or want him to come back and visit. Murphy had seen what loss and misery could do to a person through his father and he didn’t want to see that happen to Ben.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Ben,” he said softly. “I can go back to my room if you want, but I think you need someone here, and now Ichabod gone… you need someone,” Murphy said softly, reaching out to lightly touch Ben’s shoulder timidly.

[Trillian]

Murphy's insistence at staying was making Ben feel awkward, but he resisted the urge to pull away.  Now was not the greatest time to be losing friends, and when Ichabod had left - even though it had come after an argument - he still felt like the two of them could salvage something civil.  They were the only blood connection left to Kerr, and his wishes had always been for them to be friendly (if not friends).  It was important to Ben now that he adhere to those wishes; that he not sever his ties to Ichabod even though that would likely be least problematic (considering the fact their personalities clashed quite dramatically, with Kerr being their fulcrum).

Ichabod only had Kerr and Ben, so his connection to their shared sire was greater.  He would feel a greater loss, Ben thought.  Ben could still feel a thrumming on his bloodline, but it was faint.  It had always been faint - even though Arles was older, Kerr and he had shared and shared and shared their blood, effectively weakening his other sire out of his blood connection.  There was a second thrumming on that line as well - and Arles had contacted him just briefly to inform him there would be another fledgling made on his line, though Ben couldn't remember the meeting.  Now he was connected to a sire who was somewhere else in the world - he hadn't thought about him at all, because all of this knowledge of Arles had been communicated to him from Kerr.  Ben could pass Arles on the street and have no idea, and depending on how faint the blood connection was, he might still not know beyond the fact his sire was 'close'.  Even now, with the gaping hole that Kerr had left in his mind, body and soul, the connection was barely recogniseable.  He had no idea what direction his sire was, or if that meant he was close or far away.  Even though he was thinking of him now, Ben had no desire to reconnect with him.  He would be trying to reconnect with a man he couldn't remember.

Now, lying beside Murphy and holding onto him, letting his thoughts drift in and out like the sound of the ocean below them, he was desperately aware of how little Murphy could do for him.  There was a stronger possibility for more damage.

"No," he said simply.  He wasn't overly firm, but neither did he sound unsure.  He was stating a fact.  No, he didn't need someone, not if it came at a risk of losing his friendship.  If Murphy stayed, Ben would resent it, and find ways to attack him or seduce him into leaving.  He knew himself.  He didn't have the healthiest personality in the world.  He either ran away or worked at someone until he finally got his own way.  Looking at himself in such an emotionless and abstract way made him understand himself better, and why he really didn't have so many friends.  Because he found a way to fuck it up.  "I'm not trying to punish myself, sending you away.  I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with myself.  I'm not suicidal," he added, thinking maybe Murphy was worried he'd try and hurt himself.  He'd never been interested in seeking that kind of exit.

[pinkroses]

“Fuck,” Murphy murmured, rolling away from Ben to sit on the edge of the bed, running a hand through his hair. He hadn’t even considered that Ben might try to kill himself, maybe he really didn’t have any clue about this hurt despite what he’d lost and trying so hard to be there and understand what Ben was going through. Bullshit Ben wasn’t trying to punish himself. Why else would he want to hole himself up here alone? Murphy loved being around people – but then again when he got upset he would go off alone. But he knew it wasn’t healthy for Ben.

What was he supposed to do though? Ben wanted him to leave because… why? Because he hadn’t pushed Ben off when he’d kissed him? Because he’d wanted to comfort Ben and have a bit of that himself too?

“Do you want me to go now?” he asked, his voice husky as he tried to swallow down the emotion of knowing he was wasn’t wanted here.