Musical Beds

[pinkroses]

Ichabod blinked in surprise at the response he got. Warm? Murphy was warm? That was all he was being given? That was the explanation?

“Warm?” he said with disbelief obvious in his voice. He let his hands drop down to his waist, then lifted one to run through his hair with frustration as he took in a sharp breath. He had tried so hard to help Ben through this, he’d tried to do what he’d thought Kerr would want, to stay here and keep him calm and from getting too upset and he had done as well as he could. But it wasn’t enough, it was never enough and Ichabod felt tears welling up which he struggled to keep under control. As distraught as he had been throughout the past week he had tried to hide it when he could manage to.

“Did you fuck him?” Ichabod blurted out, letting his emotions come out when he knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t help himself. He was still clinging to the memory of Kerr and Ben was a line to that. Being able to be close to him whilst they slept had helped more than he’d realised when Ben had been there – it was only when Ben had disappeared and the shock of being completely alone had set in that Ichabod had realised how much he needed his brother to get through this. And Ben was turning to Murphy instead then for the warmth and comfort he couldn’t get from Ichabod.

[Trillian]

He blinked his shock at such a question.  He would've blushed too, but he hadn't had a baggie yet.

He'd left Ichabod's bed because he felt like he couldn't comfort his brother back, that he was a leech and only drawing support.  This only proved it, that Ichabod thought so little of him that Ben would substitute Kerr with Murphy as a lover.  He stared at Ichabod for a moment, wondering what to say to that.  Likely the silence that threaded out between them after such a question was implying all kinds of things to Ichabod.

"I managed to restrain myself," he said finally, feeling hurt and upset that Ichabod had even gone down this road.  "I managed to hold myself back from you, too," he added unnecessarily, turning his hurt into unkindness and launching it back at his brother.  "I can see your point, though.  Murphy's much better looking than you.  And I can--"

He stopped himself, looking guilty for a very short moment before he turned his face away and looked at the books on his left.  Drink from him, he'd been about to say, but he'd drunk from Murphy two nights in a row now, and that seemed a little wrong to him.

[pinkroses]

As the silence stretched out between them Ichabod’s eyes were wide and stayed fixed on his brother, waiting expectantly. And the longer it lasted the more Ichabod began to believe that maybe Ben had actually had sex with Murphy. When he’d initially said the words it had just been an angry reaction, trying to figure out what Murphy could give Ben that Ichabod wouldn’t, but doubt began to creep into his mind. Ben had given Kerr permission to screw other people, he may well have had his eyes set on doing the same himself.

He felt some of the tension go from his shoulders as Ben replied, although it instantly came back when Ben went on sarcastically talking about fucking Ichabod and attacking him further with petty swipes.

“You can what?” Ichabod said, hearing his own voice get a note more high-pitched. “See a future with him? Look at him without thinking about Kerr? Get away from me? What did I do wrong?” He flung his hands out to the sides as he finished, feeling flustered and confused. He'd thought they were doing alright, that they would be able to live like this until they were feeling... a little better. But that was all falling apart so quickly.

[Trillian]

He pulled a face at his fledge brother, not liking the implications behind the questions.  Perhaps some of them were true, and this was why it stung.  Ichabod was painting a bleak picture indeed, but if not being reminded of Kerr's death was what drove him into Murphy's bed, was this such a bad thing?  Did they really need to mutually suffocate in each other's arms?  Ben was far from swimming to the surface, he was still underwater when it came to how he felt about Kerr - he didn't want to face the world, he didn't want to think about moving on, but here was Ichabod, telling him that this was his end goal, and he was using Murphy to do it.

"Why is everyone suspicious of my friendship with Murphy?" he asked, not acknowledging the questions Ichabod brought up because they would just open up the door to a new kind of hell.  Everyone, being Kerr and Ichabod.  And the odd person at the Chambers, whose thoughts Ben could read - usually the donors.  He knew rumours had been rife with that lot.  He wasn't sorry to see the back of them.  "And what if I did fuck him?  What would it matter now anyway?" he challenged.

Oh, but this was a painful conversation indeed.

[pinkroses]

Why was he suspicious? He had been even when Kerr was still alive. He hadn’t trusted when he’d found out Kerr was allowed to fuck anyone (apart from him) because he saw it as Ben wanting an excuse to be able to do the same. After Lazarus fucking anything that moved, and then Laurie cheating on him when he was at university, and then being bitter about him being on the no go list, why wouldn’t he think Ben would take any chance to cheat on Kerr? Even when Ben and Kerr had been together when he’d been human, Ben had pushed him into sexual acts (and then humiliating him by stopping him) and then suggested they have a threesome. So why wouldn’t he think that?

But luckily he didn’t need to go into any of that because Ben was shooting more questions at him and Ichabod stared blankly at his brother. What did it matter? Why the Hell wouldn’t it matter?

“It matters,” Ichabod said firmly, not believing that it needed more than that. Of course it fucking mattered. “So you’re going to stay with him, sleeping with him, fucking him when you get the urge because he’s warm. And I’m just… what? Now that Kerr’s not here I’m nothing? Not even worth trying for?”

Trying for what Ichabod had no idea, but he had been as content as the situation could let him be when he’d been beside Ben. He’d been clinging to it and now Ben was chucking it away as though that was nothing.

“Why did it take you this long to crawl into his warm bed? Pity?” he snapped, his eyes filling with tears which he blinked back furiously, angry at himself, and Ben and this whole mess.

[Trillian]

Ben felt like he'd been slapped.  Ichabod could dish it out quite well verbally also.  Ben wondered if he'd taught the other vampire that when they'd been living together those two years when he'd first been sired, or if this was a natural state for the other when he'd had enough.

It was demeaning, that Ichabod would think so little of him.  Of course if Ichabod had pointed out all those reasons he'd thought about for why he was so suspicious of Ben, the blonde would've retreated and been forced to concede.  Because Ichabod kept those things to himself, Ben only felt justified in attacking back.  He was already hurt, he was angry, and he said the first mean thing that came to mind, without thinking of the consequences.

"You should be glad whenever I pity you.  The last time it happened you were sired."  Of course such a thing wasn't true - Ben had wanted Kerr to sire Ichabod because he knew his blood brother would be reliable, loyal, caring and safe - all the things Ben was concerned about not being.  Why should the truth get in the way of a good hit?

He saw the way Ichabod's face changed to know that he'd connected quite well.  Too well!  Oh fuck, with that one declaration he'd just demeaned Ichabod's entire relationship with their sire.  With their dead sire, who couldn't now fix things between them, who'd always wanted them to get along.  What a bad job Ben was doing to his memory.

"Oh fuck," he said, mirroring his thoughts, horrified at himself now, which was what he'd seen on Ichabod's face.  Horror.  "I'm sorry, I don't mean it," he said, taking a few steps forward to Ichabod but stopping.  What was he going to do, hug him?  Ichabod wouldn't want that, he was sure.  "It's not true."

[pinkroses]

It hurt. Hearing it, that he’d been sired out of pity felt like a knife had been shoved through him, or as though he’d been plunged into a pool of freezing water and he took in a sharp breath which didn’t help in the slightest. In the past, when Kerr’s presence and love had been there, a comforting safety blanket, Ichabod would have been able to brush it off, to know it was a lie. But now… maybe it was true. They hadn’t wanted him to go with Cole, they’d pitied him; that was the only reason he was still here, the constant third wheel. Trapped in it.

Ichabod couldn’t have hidden the emotion from his face even if he’d wanted to. His mouth had clamped shut, all fighting talk gone as he stared at Ben. What was he even still doing here? It was because of Kerr he’d ever tried with Ben, and now Ben was the only link to Kerr he had left. And it was all a joke.

Ichabod flinched as Ben stepped towards him, drawing his shoulders up and barely hearing the apology as the words were still echoing around in his head.

“Stop it,” he breathed, not sure exactly what it was he wanted to stop. The shouting, the insults, the apologies, the pain. The tears finally came out as he sank into a crouch, running his hands through his hair to clutch at his head. He had nothing anymore and the only person he had a connection to hated him.

“I was scared, when I woke up and you weren’t there, I thought… but you don’t give a fuck anyway, you just...” His voice came in ragged gasps as he cried and then his words trailed off and he shook his head. Ben didn’t care about him, he never had, and Ichabod knew it but he’d still missed sleeping beside him and having him close.

[Trillian]

Ben couldn't refuse Ichabod when he was crumpling up in front of him.  He went to him and knelt by him, but wasn't confident enough to put his arm around him to comfort him.  He'd just said a pretty shitty thing, to bring Ichabod to his knees in the first place, and now it sounded like he'd made the wrong call leaving Ichabod to go to Murphy as well.  This changed his perspective, somewhat but he didn't know what to do about it.  He was still smarting from the assumptions Ichabod had made about why he'd gone to Murphy in the first place.

"Is that what you think of me?" he asked softly, though his words were still challenging.  "That I don't care?  Don't you think you hurt me just as much?"

Where had his apology gone?  He'd meant to make one.

[pinkroses]

“How?” Ichabod sniffed, brushing the hand of his hand roughly across his eyes as he lifted his head to look at Ben, tears still running down his cheeks.

“What did I do to make you leave me alone? I have tried so hard to be here for you, I know how hard this has been for you, I know and I have done everything to try and make it better, but you left me.”

He wasn’t sure if Ben meant he’d hurt him before to make him leave or that he’d hurt him now with his accusations. If it was the former Ichabod was clueless. Since Kerr had died Ichabod had tried to be there in Ben in every way and it felt like he was getting nothing back.

[Trillian]

When Ben heard Ichabod's plea, it added to his guilt.  He was getting really good at collecting guilt now.  He was guilty for forcing the Mimics out of his plane, he was guilty for bringing down the Oligarchy, he was guilty that Kerr had gone back to Austria to die, and now he was guilty for failing to support his fledge brother.

Good one Ben.  Got anything more?

"I didn't want to just be this needy... clinging... emotional leech," he explained.  "I don't want you to get bogged down taking care of me.  It'll just be this... pit of despair."

He wanted to say more, but that was enough to get his point across.  Even now, if Ichabod wanted to support him again, Ben wouldn't want it.  He didn't want to just take and take and take anymore.

"Murphy... he's a healthier option."

[pinkroses]

Ben didn’t want to feel needy or clingy, but right now Ichabod knew he was the one trying to cling on. But he wasn’t even sure what he was trying to keep hold of. He had Ben had never been close, even though things had got better for a while before Kerr had died. There was nothing but the misery that they both made each other feel, Ben was right. And even though there hadn’t been arguments, not until tonight, there would no doubt be more in the future.

Murphy was better for Ben, and Ichabod knew he couldn’t stick around to watch Murphy taking care of his brother.

He dropped his head for a few seconds, running his hands through his hair as he tried to think things through, but there was only real solution he could see and it was one they had fallen back on previously.

“I should go. I should… then we don’t need to worry about each other and needing each other. We don’t.” God, the thought of leaving and losing the small bond he had left to Kerr’s blood was heart wrenching, but this was never going to work. Should he go tonight? Now? After realising they weren’t doing each other any good was there any point in staying longer?

[Trillian]

Ben wasn't going to share his bed so now Ichabod was leaving?  He was astounded.  He stared at Ichabod for a long moment, lost for words.  He couldn't think of anything to say that would be appropriate to that.  Asking Ichabod to stay would just be contrary to what they'd just agreed on, but letting him leave without saying anything seemed wrong also.

"Where will you go?" he asked, thinking it was possibly one of the dumbest questions around.  "The Capital?  How do you know it's safe?"

The Oligarchy had fallen, after all.  He'd been fielding a few calls from people trying to get in contact with Kerr.  He'd explained a few times over the phone that Kerr was dead, thank you for your condolences, yes, he and Ichabod were together at the moment, goodbye.  From the hostility he heard in their voices when he'd first spoken, he'd deduced that he would've got an earful about what he'd done with Murphy about the article, but after hearing that his sire died, all of them had gone flat.  Ichabod had received a couple of calls too, saying the same kinds of things whenever Ben listened in.  News wasn't travelling as fast as it used to.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod stared blankly at Ben as he asked where he would go and then answered it himself. Of course he’d go to the Capital, where else? For now at least.

“You think we’re safe here? If someone wanted to do us harm? People know we’re here,” Ichabod said, placing a hand on the ground to push himself upright, brushing away his tears and starting to feel more decided. The longer he stayed with Ben there more he would feel like he needed him, Ichabod knew that from experience with his other relationships.

“I can call Ash to see that nothing weird’s going on there, but…” Kerr was dead. Who would want to hurt him now? Ben and Murphy had pissed people off with all the issues with the demons, but Ichabod didn’t think they would have an issue with him about that… perhaps naively but it made sense to him.

"I'm sure it'll be fine there."

[Trillian]

I don't want you to go

How selfish could he be, though?  He'd just said that he and Ichabod would end up spiralling in a cycle of mourning, hosting their own pity party and not healing together.  Now he wanted Ichabod to stay with him so they could do just that?  Not only that, but he was asking Ichabod to hang around, even though Ben would be using Murphy mostly for support.  Ichabod was to be Ben's safety net, just in case Murphy couldn't connect with any particular facet of Ben's grief, in which case Ben would turn to Ichabod.  Wow, was it really like that?

Yes.  Yes, he thought it was.

"Yeh, we always have the phone," he said, committing himself to letting Ichabod go.  "Or visits?" he asked hopefully.  "You know this is your home too.  I'll... I'll be here, I think."

It was such a huge house, though, and it felt like Kerr's house, not his.  Right now he wanted to be here.  He couldn't see it changing anytime soon.

[pinkroses]

“Yeah, yeah sure, of course. You can come whenever too,” Ichabod said quietly. God, was this really happening? He was going? Leaving Ben to Murphy and just going to be by himself? But being that would be better than being lone here whilst Ben and Murphy were together.

"I guess this is it then, make sure you call if you need anything," he said, running a hand through his hair as he began to walk for the door trying to ignore the churning worry in the pit of his stomach. He should drink before he left, or maybe he could stop somewhere on the way. There was probably some blood at the Capital… or there were always more people out on the streets around there than they could find here. 

Deciding he could wait until after he'd packed Ichabod hastened for his room, shoving things into his suitcase without great care, but by the end of it his room was look bare and empty. He found Ben afterwards and gave him a tight hug, which felt awkward but he couldn't leave without it. He didn't bother finding Murphy to say goodbye but headed out into the night. Deciding Ben could use Murphy's car if needed Ichabod slipped into the car they had taken from the Oligarchy and headed home.