No Explanations

[pinkroses]

“I think that would be best,” Ichabod said quietly, feeling like he should be saying the opposite, like he should be offering Ben a drink, more chat, offering to make plans for the future. But he’d tiptoed around Ben so much, tried so hard to help Ben and it didn’t work. So why bother anymore?

“I guess… I’ll see you… around,” Ichabod said, standing up again, ready to show Ben out of the door. He was all set to go back to his own solitude and stay there for a while longer ignoring the world around him.

[Trillian]

He was shocked.  He'd made the comment in order to give Ichabod an easy way out to show him the door, but he hadn't expected the other to take it.  As a result, he could hear in his voice as he spoke that he wasn't quite speaking normally - but then, he could be paranoid about what sounded normal anyway.  Neither of them had been normal ever since Kerr had told them to go to the beach house, and the world had tilted even further off kilter when he'd died.

"Sure, okay," he got up and headed for the door, and blinked a couple of times as he saw Ichabod was already heading that way to show him out.

Wow.

"Um, see you," he said, and headed out the door, directly for the elevators and pressed the button, not daring to turn and see how quickly Ichabod shut the door behind him.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod stood by the open door, waiting until Ben was inside the lift and watching the doors shut behind his brother. He felt terrible, but having Ben here would just make both of them feel worse, he was sure of it.

The vampire waited until he heard the lift moving downwards before he turned to grab his keys from the bowl near the front door, then he headed for the stairs, forgetting to slip on any shoes as he took them two at a time, ending up in front of Ash’s front door and knocking firmly before he could think better of it.

As tempting as it was to go hide alone, talking to Ben had reminded him that maybe they did need something. Sitting alone hadn’t been helping. And he didn’t want to sit and mourn with Ben. So he went to the next closest person. He hadn’t tried to feel if Ash was home, it hadn’t occurred to him that the other vampire wouldn’t be here.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Ash opened it without much of a delay, and glared at Ichabod at his door.  In his right hand he held a smartphone, as though he'd just been on it, or about to call someone.  In fact it had been the latter, for Ash had been trying to call Kerr again.  He'd sent a few texts, some of which had gone through and some which hadn't, and followed them up with an actual call.  His sire Isaac hadn't come calling since their last visit together, likely giving Ash space or waiting for him to go to him.  That would be the fucking day.  He directed his ire at Ichabod, who was handiest.

"It's about fucking time you showed up," he growled as though he'd asked Ichabod to come up earlier, then stepped back, leaving the younger vampire an empty space to walk into.  "So what's happened with Kerr?" he demanded, "his phone's gone dead."

Granted, if he knew what had actually happened to Kerr, he wouldn't have used that turn of phrase.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod’s mouth dropped open a little at Ash’s blunt demand and he took half a step back, debating whether or not to just head back downstairs. He’d thought Ash had known. He didn’t want to go through this. But Ichabod was here now and Ash deserved to know.

“I… I thought you knew,” Ichabod said quietly, forcing his feet to take him inside as he folded his arms across his chest.

“I don’t know what happened. He’s gone. He’s dead,” he said, staring down at the floor between them. He should probably do something about cancelling Kerr’s phone contract. And his credit cards. And a hundred other things which hadn’t occurred to him before. “Sorry,” he added quietly.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Know what, Ash thought but had the grace not to say.  He figured the information was coming his way soon enough.  When it did, his expression changed to bewilderment, then negation, then anger.  He turned and roared, throwing his phone through the opening between the foyer's water-sculpture towards where the galleria kitchen was.  This time he wasn't so lucky with its landing, and he heard it crunch and shatter against something before trickling onto the floor in pieces.  He didn't care about it, but he did care about Ichabod, who he suddenly understood had gone through so many things at once.  To Ash, Kerr had been a good friend.  A fucking absent-minded asshole of a friend who hadn't called much, but a friend just the same.  Ash had few true friends, so he treasured those he had.  To Ichabod, Kerr had been many things, and if that shithead Ben hadn't been around, he could've seen Kerr and Ichabod together.

"C'mere," he said, his voice rough but his intentions gentle as he reached for Ichabod and pulled him into a tight embrace.  He held the other vampire for at least a full minute - and after that, for as long as he was allowed.  No doubt Ichabod had gone through whatever the first few stages of grief was, and likely didn't want a repeat with Ash.  The actor wouldn't find it difficult to play the part that Ichabod needed him to play, because squashing his own emotions was what Ash did best.  He could grieve later, on his own.  Fuck, they both could.

When the pair of them were apart, he had a hold of Ichabod's shoulders.

"Wanna shoot some pool or watch a movie?" he questioned, grateful that Ichabod had come to tell him the news about Kerr's death, though it wasn't something he figured his friend would want to talk about.  He'd hung out with Ichabod a few times - not as much as he had with Kerr, and it had been obvious Kerr hadn't wanted them canoodling - but he still considered the kid a friend.  Obviously the feeling was mutual if Ichabod was coming to him for support.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod flinched at Ash’s reaction, the roar of anger and the smashing phone although he’d considered doing the same thing so many times as he stared at it willing it to ring and flash up with Kerr’s number.

He let Ash pull him into his arms and squeezed his eyes shut as he wrapped his arms around his friend, burying his face in Ash’s shoulder. He hated saying it out loud. Saying Kerr was dead made it feel more real, something he couldn’t deny. If he didn’t say it then he could begin to pretend that Kerr was just off on holiday, or still in Austria collecting that stupid book. But then it all came crashing back to him and he let out a quiet sob.

He felt like he needed to explain more, to tell Ash what had happened – as far as they knew. But Ash gave him a way out by suggesting other things and Ichabod grabbed at it, giving a small nod as he brushed away the tears which had escaped.

“Yeah, pool sounds good,” he said in a cracked voice, lifting his hand to grasp Ash’s. This was better than sitting alone. With Ash he didn’t need to think about what he’d said to Ben and how shocked his brother had looked when he’d been shown to the door. He hadn’t cut their ties completely, but he definitely hadn’t been gentle about it.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Ash led Ichabod past the kitchen and dining areas and turned left into the billiard room.  The room was very warm, thanks to the fire crackling in the fireplace on the far wall.  The table had a cue resting against it, and a scattered mishmash of coloured and striped balls.  Ash moved around the table to each pocket, getting out the balls that were already in there and then set up a new game with the triangle that had been hooked on the overhanging light.  Instead of putting it back there, he put the triangle back in its proper place on the cue rack.  He did all this in relative silence until he went back to his cue, and if Ichabod hadn't yet chosen a cue for himself, he gestured for him to do so.

"Guests take the first break," he said, and stepped back away from the table.  "Better watch out, I've been practising," he grinned his best movie-star smile.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod followed quietly, picking up a pool cue as Ash arranged the balls, stepping back from the table out of the way as he watched Ash. He’d been so shut off the past couple of weeks, not wanting to talk to or even see anyone. Being here with someone, in quite a cozy, comfortable environment was… comforting. Seeing Ben was completely different, it put Ichabod on edge, reminded him of everything. But Ash reminded him he wasn’t completely alone, even if it felt like it sometimes.

“I haven’t, you’re about to wipe the floor with me,” Ichabod said, trying to give a smile in return, but it was nowhere near as bright as Ash’s as he stepped up to the table. He took his shot, breaking without really thinking about it and not potting anything.

“Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I just… assumed. I mean, everyone’s been asking, it’s hard to keep track of what we’ve said to people,” Ichabod said, curling his fingers around the cue as he stepped back out of the way to let Ash take his shot. He appreciated that Ash had let the subject drop, but Ichabod couldn’t help feeling like he should apologise for turning up and dropping that bomb on him. He hated telling people – a lot of them had been work colleagues of Kerr’s, but Ash had been a good friend and had obviously been upset although he was hiding it well now.

[Malkavian Riddler]

"Hey man, you don't have to say sorry," Ash said, approaching the table and pausing in his perusal of it to look at Ichabod.  "I get it's a big deal.  I mean, I'm not even that close to my sire anymore, but if anything happened to Isaac..." he shrugged, but finished the sentence anyway.  "I'd be a fucking mess."

He hoped Isaac would never hear this confession, but Ash figured he was arrogant enough to assume it anyway.  He nonchalantly took his shot without saying anything more, and potted the ten ball into the side pocket while the cue ball rolled on to close the gap between two more of his own.  He grinned at Ichabod but some of his smile had lost its lustre so he simply strutted over to where his cue ball was and lined up the next shot.  After pocketing both the fourteen and nine balls, he stood up straight as though another thought had occurred to him.

"Hey, have you had a drink yet?  I've got a few baggies I have to get through by tomorrow."  He shrugged.  "Or I could call a couple of girls over."  He looked at Ichabod with interest, to see what he would think of this second proposal.  As soon as he'd made it, he'd thought his friend might baulk at more company - shallow even as they would be.

[pinkroses]

“Yeah,” Ichabod murmured quietly as Ash said he’d be a mess if his sire died, unable to help a swell of jealousy from bubbling up inside him at being reminded that his friend did still have his sire. He swallowed it down quietly though – he wouldn’t want anyone else feeling like he did right now.

He’d been staring at the table without seeing it really, but his gaze flickered up to Ash at the suggestion of him calling some girls around. Was he serious? Ichabod had found it difficult enough coming up here to spend time with one person, let alone a couple of girls he didn’t know.

“A bag would be good, thanks,” Ichabod said. He’d already fed tonight, but he was still young enough that he wouldn’t turn down a drink. “I think… like you said, I’m kind of a mess, I don’t think I should be inflicting that on strangers,” he said, trying to give a soft smile which faded quickly as he thought about how he’d treated the person left who he was supposed to be closest to now.

“I just kind of chucked Ben out, I think. He just kind of been… too much and you know we were never all that close anyway. We can’t just change that because of what happened,” he said, rolling the cue between his palms anxiously as he spoke. He knew Ash probably didn’t want to hear about his family issues, but he felt like he had to talk about it with someone.

[Malkavian Riddler]

"You turfed him out?" Ash repeated, a growing grin on his face, and he was nodding at Ichabod throughout the rest of his reasoning.  "Fuck, the more distance you put between yourself and that asshole, the better for you," Ash intoned sagely, pointing at Ichabod in case he didn't get who the 'you' was.  "That guy's a creep.  I don't know what the fuck Kerr ever saw in him," he said, and regardless of Ichabod's expression (which he wasn't paying attention to anyway) he continued.  "When he got back from New York, I did him.  You know, he and Kerr weren't together at that stage, and wanna guess what he did?  He took it and then sent me packing.  Fuck, eh?" Ash said, putting away his cue stick as he spoke, his back mostly to Ichabod as he relayed this bit of information, glancing over his shoulder just for the last question that was really just seeking agreement.  "I'll get the blood on," he said, giving almost no pause or allowing Ichabod the chance to reply before heading for the kitchen.

Ash possibly had told Ichabod about his hookup with Ben some time ago, but he'd forgotten if he had - and he liked gossiping negatively about people who he felt had done him wrong.  Ben, in dismissing him after sex, had done him a great disservice indeed.  He'd made Ash feel two feet tall, and that was not on!  Not from some pretty piece of trash, anyway.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod lowered his gaze as Ash began to bad mouth Ben – he’d hoped telling Ash would help him feel better about getting Ben to leave so abruptly (Hell, he’d asked if he should go), but he’d forgotten how much Ash disliked Ben. And that Ash had told him he and Ben had fucked. Seriously, was there anyone he was friends with who hadn’t been with his brother first?

But Ben was his brother and Kerr was dead, hearing Ash dismiss Kerr’s choice of Ben was doing nothing to help.

“He wasn’t himself then, he was messed up… I dunno,” Ichabod said quietly, following Ash to put away his cue and walk after him towards the kitchen.

“I don’t want him, like, out of my life. He’s… he’s all I’ve got left of Kerr and I’m the same to him. But we can’t seem to get on. I can’t get on with him at least. I moved out of the beach house, he came to see me tonight and I just…” Ichabod’s voice trailed off as he gave a shrug, coming to lean against the counter and not bothering to finish his sentence. Ash was probably going to say he was better off without Ben again but Ichabod couldn’t help feeling like he should have tried more. He had no idea what else he could do though. He needed some space and Ben made him feel crowded and trapped.

[Malkavian Riddler]

Predictably, Ash continued on the same vein when Ichabod defended Ben.

"You're too nice a guy," he warned over his shoulder before reaching the kitchen, opening the fridge door and removing what looked like two small juice cartons from it.  "Don't feel guilty kicking him out if you need him gone," he advised, ripping the small bendy straws away from the containers that they were sealed to, in small sealed plastic bags.  The blood 'bags' Ash had described looked more like popper juice boxes as he went along, placing them both in the microwave at once and beeping twenty seconds for them on medium.  As he talked, he peeled the small bendy straws out of their seals and tossed them into the garbage as Ichabod looked on.  Without the younger vampire asking, Ash explained them.

"Isaac found a supplier who had these," he said, rolling his eyes as though it was very typical of his sire to find such things - and so it was.  "He always knows someone who knows someone who can get shit," Ash complained, annoyed that he was still very dependant on the 'shit' Isaac could get.  Ash had already burned through his Hollywood earnings and was now living off Isaac's money - but fucked if he was going to tell anybody that.

The microwave beeped and Ash took out the boxes, giving them both a good shake up before puncturing a straw through the aluminium seal of each of them and then handing one to Ichabod to take.  The boxes themselves were generically coloured a vivid red-orange, without branding, pictures or any such thing.

"Cheers," Ash said, and started sucking through the straw of his one.

[pinkroses]

“Not always,” Ichabod murmured as Ash told him he was too nice. Getting ben to leave so abruptly hadn’t felt nice. Shouting at Ben at the beach house, some of the things he said about Ben and Murphy, getting so jealous of Ben, of Cain. He could be nice, but he was a prick at times. 


He watched Ash and his juice boxes of blood with interest, leaning against the counter. He’d not seen anything like those – he liked the bottles he got, but these looked interesting for a change.

The lifted his box a little in response to the ‘cheers’ before taking a sip of the blood through the straw, instantly feeling like a child again and the thought of that made the corners on his lips curl up into a small smile.

“So how’s things going with you and Isaac?” he asked after a few sips. He’d recognised that look of frustration in Ash’s face, but he was obviously still in contact with his sire if he was providing blood boxes. Ichabod wasn’t aware of how dependant on his sire Ash was now though and didn’t know that much about the older vampire.