"Yeh," Ben said defensively. "He knows it's not his fault, that it's my fault. It's always my fault," he said, but not sarcastically, like he might've in Ichabod's presence some time ago. Instead he said the latter to himself, quietly, but of course his fledge brother would hear it. "I do and say things that... "
He breathed a puff of laughter, of incredulity at himself.
"Look at that, story of my life. I only figure out I've fucked up when it's too late to do anything about it." He looked at Ichabod with a tormented gaze and asked a very serious question. "Have I already screwed up with you? Kerr was always the glue binding us together. I thought it would be honouring him to stay in touch with you, but maybe it would be better to just leave you alone. I mean, look at my track record."
He was conflicted. He wanted Ichabod to tell him to leave, to breathe a sigh of relief and admit that he wanted Ben gone. This way he wouldn't have to worry about hurting him again. Doubtless he would, it was just his way. Better to cut out the cancer. At the same time, he wanted Ichabod to be merciful, to care about him even though Ben had done some terrible things to him. Did he care about him, though? Or was it obligation? If it was the latter, it would be better to be cut loose.