Face To Face

[Trillian]

Ben burbled his car into a parking space provided for visitors.  He'd not ventured often into Chinatown in his past, he realised now.  Just a couple of tourist stops to watch a Chinese New Year festival, when he'd been a little kid - the dragon costume had scared him senseless, and the popping fireworks hadn't helped much in a location that he wasn't familiar with.  Perhaps it had been due to his accidently being separated from his parents that night, in a crowd full of people who were laughing and jeering and shouting.  At first he'd been filled with wonder, and then it had taken on a sinister tone, when he couldn't find his mother's hand.  The second visit was a lot better, for he was a lot older and had gone to the Good Night markets.  He wasn't much of a markets goer, but it had been interesting to immerse himself into a culture that was from the other side of the world.  He'd prefer to visit actual China than Chinatown, however.  It would likely not reflect this peculiar bustle.  He'd be coming here more often now, since Murphy's new home was here, providing all went well.

He'd burned his bridge with Ichabod quite completely.  He still felt justified over his actions, for Ichabod had rubbished Ben's ability to judge an appropriate honour to their sire.  Their path had been fraught with complications, so it was not to be.  Ben wasn't a big believer in signs from the Universe, but he did understand when two people simply couldn't connect.  They were opposites, despite their similarities.  Ben had even had a change of heart for a while there, focussing on all of Ichabod's good points.  Even that hadn't worked because it had come too late.  He needed all the friends he could gather now.  Murphy, and the newly acquired Vincent.  Fuck, even Vomas, Jake and Conner were prospects for friendship, because at least he had some connection to them.

He switched off the engine and got out of the Impala, locking it with the key because it was too old to have a remote system.  He'd always imagined his second car might be one like this, old like his first but in better condition.  He doubted Murphy would notice, he wasn't much of a car guy, but really neither was Ben beyond his love for the classic looks.  As he walked away from his car, he gave a quick look around at the numbers of the apartments and found number five easily - Murphy's place.  He'd been sent a text when his friend had moved here.  Their whole friendship had been resorted to texting while Ben got over his guilt at considering Murphy for a sexual partner, with Kerr but a few nights dead.  It had been a fleeting notion, with their tumbling around on a bed, and Ben unable to truly get into the mood.  With a great deal of self-analysis afterward, he'd decided that his body reflected what was in his heart while his mind was trying to forget.  Kerr had very recently died and he was allowed to be confused about it.  He was allowed to make bad choices after it.

Enough time had passed that their texts had even managed to move past the awkward informing stage to a joking stage.  Ben was pleased that he'd made the extra effort to keep in contact with Murphy - texting him several times a day.  Losing him would be terribly difficult, especially after all that had happened recently.  He didn't even know if he wanted to tell his friend the details about the will and his falling out with Ichabod, but he figured it would probably come blurting out of his mouth anyway.  It was on his mind, because it had only happened last night.  Seeking out his friend with a text, he'd asked if he could come over and see the new place.  Murphy had invited him around and now here he was.

It was early in the night.  Ben had driven straight here after waking, grooming and dressing.  He'd switched to showering at the end of the night, sloughing off the city's smells and whatever else stuck to him during his activities.  He wore a steel grey coloured button up sweater (he didn't have it in him to call it a cardigan) over a checked shirt and darkish blue jeans, plus his newish green chucks on his feet.  He might have to field a joking comment or two from Murphy about them, but that was okay.  He was even looking forward to it.

When he approached Murphy's apartment, he saw that his car was parked in front of the garage.  Either he had two cars or his garage was full of stuff.  Probably the latter, since he'd moved out of a house and into an apartment.  He'd have to offer to help Murphy go through it, because the mortal had done that for him.  He went to the door and knocked a few times, feeling a little bit anxious about what he would find.

[pinkroses]

Murphy had been expecting Ben, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t surprised when the knock came at the door. His hands were full of various items which should have made their way to the kitchen sink a while ago but somehow had remained lying around the apartment.

“One sec,” Murphy called out, knowing it had to be Ben. The only other people he’d bothered to tell he’d moved was his work and it was unlikely any of them would come around paying visits. They just had to know where to send the pay cheque – when there was one.

The human dumped the plates into the sink in an untidy pile (and a louder clatter than he’d anticipated) before heading to the door, wiping his hands on his jeans as he went, although they didn’t really need it. It felt like an age since he’d seen Ben and unwelcome butterflies fluttered in the pit of his stomach in anticipation of seeing the vampire. Last time they’d seen each other Ben had been chucking him out of the beach house and sending him back to that big empty house, leaving both of them to face whatever the consequences on their actions and losses were alone. Yes, there had been texts. And they had become easier to write as time had gone on, but that didn’t rid Murphy of the nervousness he felt. He’d followed Ben’s lead with those, looking forward to hearing  from a friend but too wary to take things further than he knew Ben would be comfortable with.

The deadbolt slid back easily enough after a quick check through the peep hole and Murphy pulled open the door with a warm looking smile which was well practised over the years. Even when he felt like shit Murphy could put a smile on his face which was bright enough to convince most people it was genuine. He didn’t know if Ben would recognise the difference though.

“Hey, Ben, come on in,” he said, stepping back to let him in and then shutting the door again behind him, not bothering with the extra lock this time. “It’s good t’see you,” he added, taking a half step forwards and his arms twitching as he almost went for a hug but then stopped himself. After what had almost happened he didn’t know if that would be welcome now.

“So this is it,” Murphy said, tearing his eyes away from Ben’s silvery gaze to turn to the apartment with a gesture of his arm. “It’s not huge, but I didn’t need so much space, y’know?” he added, dropping his hand to fiddle with the hem of his dark green t-shirt. He wore a pair of battered slippers which were half falling apart on his feet and no socks. He looked around the room himself, as he waited for Ben to speak, wishing he’d done a little more to tidy up.

The coffee table was still covered in books and papers and his laptop lay half shut on the sofa. At least the dirty dishes were gone, banished to the kitchen. But even that was visible as the kitchen made up part of the living area and the pile would be easy to spot, especially if Ben had heard the sound of him dumping it in there before coming to the door. Murphy had crammed the small apartment with things which reminded him of home, but it didn't feel like home. Not yet. He was hoping it would eventually.

[Trillian]

When Ben stepped into the apartment, he didn't miss that peculiar not-hug come his way.  He turned his body ever so slightly to better receive it, but Murphy's hands did little more than twitch so Ben hadn't even reacted at all.  There was a weird, awkward moment as Ben looked down at Murphy's feet, which had to shuffle slightly because of the movement forward to him that hadn't followed through.  There was shame too, in looking down.

I caused this

Yes, more blame to throw onto Blame Mountain, which was growing steadily into quite a peak.  Blame Mountain, with parking available at Guilt Summit, and then the Regretful Lookout.  Fucking hell, he really had to drop this metaphor.  Too bad the visual was so strong it refused to leave.

Ben's gaze followed Murphy's gesture and he nodded in order to indicate he did know.  He knew all too well.  He was thinking about moving away from Kerr's beach house, of putting it on the market to sell, of finding a new location.  Either South or City, considering the district layouts.  He liked Vomas but was intimidated by him, he didn't mind Jake but he thought the other didn't like him.  The kiss seemed like such a stupid thing to get jealous over, now.  Hindsight.

He moved into the kitchen - probably the last place Murphy wanted him to go - and was looking at the dishes in the sink.

"Let me help you clean these up," he looked at the expression on Murphy's face and talked over him while shaking his head.  "I like cleaning," he insisted.  "It calms me down, and helps me think, and right now I'm feeling a bit..."

anxious
misplaced
lonely
needy

"...nervous."  He gave Murphy an easy grin, and whether or not his friend's smile had been genuine or not (Ben hadn't been able to tell, either way), his own smile certainly was.  He felt relieved already, just being here, though he felt a bit tense and weird.  Doing something as silly and mundane as doing the dishes would at least give them something to focus on while they talked.  "I wash, you dry?" he offered, because the one who dried usually put things away and he didn't want to be constantly told where things went.

[pinkroses]

“Oh, uh,” Murphy began, wanting to protest against Ben going into the kitchen and especially against him cleaning up. But he knew how spotless Ben’s home usually and if Ben thought it would help then why argue? Ben’s admission that he was feeling nervous too helped a little, at least Murphy wasn’t the only one feeling this.

“Ok, sure,” Murphy said, slipping a clean tea towel from its hook and reaching out the nudge a bottle of washing up liquid closer to Ben as the vampire began to fill the bowl. “I guess I kinda let things mount up a bit. Sorry,” he said, running the cloth between his fingers as he waited for the clean dishes to come his way. He wasn’t sure why he was apologising – whether it was for letting things get in this state, for not cleaning up properly before having a guest around, for making Ben feel like he had to clean or just for his general awkwardness which he assumed was not helping Ben’s nerves.

It wasn’t just that it felt odd seeing Ben after so long – all of this was embarrassing, letting Ben see how bad things had got. Murphy didn’t like sharing that side of things, but Ben was the best person he could show it too. And there was more he hadn’t even told Ben about. How could you do that by text?

He’d had a house, well, he’d thought he had. Now he was renting an apartment, a small one. His father’s debt had hit him hard. And he’d fallen sharply down his career ladder and didn’t want Ben feeling responsible for that – of course he would though, this was Ben.

So Murphy did what he did best when there was something he didn’t want to talk about and tried to force his mind off of his own problems.

“So how you been doing? Been up to much? Things getting sorted out?” he asked, glancing sideways at the blonde.

[Trillian]

Ben didn't say anything directly in response to Murphy's apology, because he also felt like it was unnecessary.  At least he was allowed to help clean up, and the pair of them could do something together.  He was also hoping that afterward, with the house looking tidier, Murphy might feel good about letting him help.  There was still a need to acknowledge the words, though.

"You helped me at the beach house," he said, but lapsed into silence after it.  He'd made a little pile of dishes beside the sink and finished filling it up.  Funny how the memory of washing up was so clear even though he hadn't done dishes in years.  He wondered if it would feel like a weird task after twenty years.  Or fifty.  Or a hundred.  Robots might be doing dishes by then.  Or there wouldn't be any dishes at all.

Murphy's questions sliced through the rubbish that was circulating his mind, and he shook his head.  No, things were not getting sorted out.

"I burned Ichabod once and for all," he said, sounding a lot more detached than he felt about it.  There was more news, but he had to start from the beginning.  Telling Murphy about Ichabod was like starting at the finish line.  "I doubt we'll even bother trying to be nice anymore," he said, unable to stop talking about it because it was the most pressing thing.  "What about you?"

Ben's life had gone to shit since the article, and since the article had been written by Murphy, he wanted to know if anything bad had happened to Murphy too.  Since the Districts had been organised, they might've overlooked any punishment he might've faced from the now-retired Oligarchy.  Who was in charge of Chinatown?  Jake?  Did Murphy even know?

[pinkroses]

Murphy frowned at Ben shaking his head. With their texts they hadn’t gone into the more serious side of what had been happening in their lives, and obviously they’d both needed more support than they’d had.

“What happened?” he asked, speaking at the same time as Ben turned the question on him and Murphy glanced down, giving a small shrug.

“The paper won’t take any of my articles or ideas any more. I’m now working in the glamourous section of the personals and ads. It… it sucks,” he said hesitantly. He didn’t want to tell Ben about that especially, but he had to tell someone and he didn’t want to keep it secret from Ben. What was the point in having friends you hid things like that from?

“They didn’t just fire me outright at least. It could’ve been worse.” The pay was much worse, but at least he had a bit of money coming in whilst he tried to find something else. With the Sacramentum having ties all over the city Murphy didn’t know if he’d be able to get a better job here, but he wanted to try properly before giving up.

[Trillian]

Murphy's story made Ben feel small and worthless.  He'd talked Murphy into writing and submitting the article about the demons, because they'd originally been talking about investigating ghosts since Ben's bizarre interaction at the masquerade party.  Fuck, the masquerade party, it felt like years ago but it was almost the thing that had started it all.  The party, running off to Europe, looking for material to write about, the article, meeting Themba, the disintegration of the Oligarchy, Kerr's death, and now the ruin of Murphy's career.

I'm poison
I'm fucking poison
I kill or burn everything around me

And how had they ended up?  Ben now had billions of dollars in assets and cash.  And what did Murphy have to show for it?  A demotion and the prospect of never getting good work in this city again.  For fuck's sake, how was that fair?

"I am so sorry," he said, and though the words felt inadequate, they were sincere.  He was devastated.  He couldn't even offer Murphy money to help, because he knew his friend was much like he'd been when living on his own; proud and wanting to solve his own problems.  Now he understood why Kerr was so frustrated when nobody took his money.  Because he'd had such a stupidly ridiculous amount of it, and people had been suffering all around him.  It was only money, right?

So why'd he cut Ichabod off from it?

The thought came at him from left field, and he slammed it shut into a deep, dark part of his brain.  It had no business coming out into the light, not when he had Murphy in front of him.  The awkwardness of being fresh around his friend after all this time was gone - at least for Ben - and he put down the cloth he'd been holding to wash the dishes with, tossing it towards the sink and stepping forward purposefully to wrap his arms around his friend.  They'd ached to hold him, and he was unable to stop himself after hearing that Murphy's future and dreams had been stomped on.  There were always other options of course, other avenues for his writing, or other city papers to write for, but he'd been onto a good thing before Ben had come along.

He squeezed his friend as tightly as he dared, not wanting to add a fractured rib to Murphy's lot.

[pinkroses]

Murphy shook his head slightly at Ben’s apology, but didn’t resist as Ben moved to hug him. His tea towel was still clutched in his hand as he wrapped his arms around the vampire in return, dropping his head to rest on Ben’s shoulder and squeezing him tightly – he didn’t need to worry about hurting his friend so didn’t hold back.

He’d missed Ben so much as everything crashed down around him and the reason they’d stopped seeing each other had been so stupid. Murphy knew he should have stopped it before it got to that point but he’d fucked up royally and got carried away.

“It’s not your fault. I’d probably had written something to mess things up eventually. And they’ll forget about it in time,” Murphy said, his voice muffled as he spoke against Ben’s shoulder.

But no, they wouldn’t forget. Charon had made that obvious from their discussions – the Sacramentum didn’t forget and they wouldn’t forgive. He wouldn’t get his proper job back at this paper, but it wasn’t just that. They’d discussed siring – not that they would sire him, nothing so solid, but if things had carried gone on well, maybe when Murphy decided he wanted to become a vampire they would have been there. Now that option was gone completely.

He couldn’t tell Ben that though – he might think Murphy was asking to be sired by him, or that he wanted to do it now. Murphy wasn’t ready for that, but one day he thought he would be. It was just an option for now and you didn’t get fed from by vampires or be best friends with one without considering it. Kerr had sired Ichabod to help get over the loss of his family though, Ben had told Murphy that. Kerr had been older than Ben was now and obviously he’d sired Ben previously, but maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to mention. Maybe being connected to someone would help. Murphy wasn’t about to launch into that though – last time he’d tried to help Ben feel connected to someone they’d stopped talking for far too long.

Murphy pulled back after a few seconds, lifting his hand to squeeze Ben’s shoulder whilst his other stayed on Ben’s waist. His eyes were red but he was trying desperately hard not to let Ben see how upset he was about all of this or what he’d been thinking about telling Ben. Murphy kept telling himself this could be worse and it was true. Sometimes it was just more difficult to see it than others.

“Tell me what happened with Ichabod,” Murphy instructed, taking in a deep breath to steady himself and ready to listen to Ben’s problems as well. If he talked about himself more he’d just get more upset.

[Trillian]

He was grateful to have been accepted, and melted into the embrace.  When Murphy pulled back and made his request, Ben nodded, but returned to the dishes.  Yes, his situation now was better than Murphy's, but he'd lost his sire for it, so he hadn't come out better off like he'd just now thought.  He'd give all that money back and more, if it would return Kerr to him.  He picked up the cloth and started cleaning a plate with it in water so hot it was scalding his hands.  The pain was absurdly good, and he started to get used to it, even though it was making his hands go pink.  He wouldn't burn or blister, his skin was healing even before he plunged them back in.  He started talking after handing the freshly cleaned plate over for Murphy to dry.

"Kerr's lawyers left a bunch of messages for me and I finally got in touch with them.  They said there was a will Kerr left behind, so I got Ichabod and we both went to the offices.  Kerr left me everything.  Ichabod got nothing but the apartment at the Capital, but one of the lawyers said there were talks to leave Ichabod some money.  He'd not got around to re-doing the will though, so I... got everything.  Billions of dollars of property and investments."

He felt stupid just saying that word.  Billions.  It felt like a made-up word, like  mega-gazillion.

[pinkroses]

Murphy dried up slowly, paying more attention to Ben than the plate in his hands. He wanted to tell Ben the water was too hot (it was still steaming slightly) but he knew Ben was sensible enough to have it just how he wanted it. It wasn’t like he’d stay injured if he got burnt.

Billions of dollars? Ben had billions of dollars? Murphy had known Kerr was rich, but fucking hell. Billions? And all Murphy had got when he went to one of those meeting was a bucket load of debt.

“Wow… that’s amazing,” Murphy said sincerely, turning towards Ben a little more. “So what happened? Ichabod got jealous? Can’t you just give him a share?” he asked. He knew Ben and Ichabod hadn’t exactly parted on good terms so maybe it wasn’t a great suggestion – but they were brothers. Surely if Ichabod was getting upset about it and it was such a stupidly huge amount of money then it wouldn’t hurt to just give him a bit. He guessed Ben would have a good reason if he hadn’t already done that though.

“Did something else happen?” he added gently.

[Trillian]

"Yes."  He paused for a long moment before continuing, handing Murphy another plate, then a bowl.  He was washing cutlery when next he spoke again.  "There was cash.  Forty million of it, and I said just to split it down the middle.  There were properties too, but I didn't want to hand them over without seeing them.  I'd seen two of them, but... " he shook his head, not going down that path because it wasn't important in the grand scheme of things.  "Anyway, I was planning on giving him another of the properties, of giving some of the companies and stuff.  To share the private jet."

Fuck, was this even real?  It felt bizarre.  So far none of it had made any impact on his life.  He was still just hanging around in Kerr's beach house figuring stuff out.

"But then I remembered my project for Kerr.  Instead of putting up some stupid headstone in a cemetary, or nothing at all, I wanted to give him something meaningful.  I... I was having a talk with, uh, one of the ex-Oligarchy guys," he said, thinking that Murphy probably didn't know Conner.  "And we talked about setting up an academy of knowledge for supernaturals.  A way to continue your training if you've lost your sire as a fledgling, among other things," he said, connecting the dots a lot more clearly for Murphy than he had for Ichabod.  "I'd figured I was probably going to come into some money, since the lawyers were already leaving me messages, so I promised I'd put up an investment."  He handed over some of the cutlery and then leant with his hip against the kitchen bench as he looked at Murphy.  "Ichabod went from almost broke to having twenty millions dollars in two minutes, and then he shit all over my idea, and didn't want to put in five of that along with me.  It's not I was asking him to go broke again, he would've had fifteen million.  But he said to me... he said," Ben was visibly upset, "that Kerr wouldn't have cared for it.  I told him it was about reclaiming a connection, with him, with us, because aside from Kerr, wanting to learn is the only fucking thing we have in common."

Now for the worst of it, and he pressed his lips together tightly before spilling it out in one breath.

"I was already angry and upset, so I told him Kerr left him with nothing, so that must've been what he felt for him, and I reminded him it was my idea for Kerr to sire him, so he reminded me it was my fault Kerr was dead."

It was the clearest part of the conversation at the lawyers, because they'd ended on it.

[pinkroses]

Murphy smiled softly as Ben talked about setting up an academy to help fledglings who needed it as well as teaching about other supernatural things. Murphy was almost jealous for a moment that it sounded like a place only for supernaturals, no humans allowed. But he doubted Ben would shut him out completely and he thought it was a brilliant idea. And the kind of place which would really need donations to keep it going.

His smile disappeared as Ben went on to describe Ichabod’s reaction. It was surprising – although Murphy didn’t know Ichabod well he thought Ben’s brother would have been pretty enthusiastic about something like this as well. He was still studying, he’d just lost his sire so would need help training, and it would be a memorial to Kerr. He’s have so much money, so what was the issue with giving some of it to a great cause?

Murphy lowered the forks in his hand to rest on the counter at the sound of upset in Ben’s voice and the look on his face.

“He fucking said that?” Murphy said, his eyes widening in shock. Damn, how could Ichabod point the finger like that. It was heartless, even if Ben had said something cutting beforehand. That was all bullshit and it was words they flung back and forth at each other whenever they got angry.

“That’s shit, it’s not your fault, Ben,” Murphy said, abandoning his towel and wrapping his arms around Ben in another tight hug. “Things happen, accidents and… all sorts. Anything could have happened to Kerr at any time.” He pulled back, keeping his arms around Ben but wanting to be able to look at his face to see how he was reacting. “If you keep thinking it’s your fault it’ll never get better. He went there to try to help the demons, but whatever happened, you didn’t cause it.”

[Trillian]

Ben quickly clung to his friend, grateful that they were at ease with each other enough already to be giving and taking comfort from one another.  He clung to Murphy, accepting and melting into the embrace, and before they parted, he pressed his lips gently on the mortal's neck, to feel his pulse, to draw his warmth, to reconnect.

"I missed you," he said, speaking into Murphy's neck now, before pulling away so he could say the rest to his friend's face.  "I need you in my life.  I want to do something for you, too.  Not because a lot's gone bad for you,"

that I feel is all my fault because I influeced you into writing that article

"but because we're friends."

He didn't have the heart to offer money, knowing such a thing would injure Murphy's pride.  He'd never had a problem taking Kerr's money, because he'd had his own, but Kerr had told him Alternative Ben had issues with it.  It was weird, being a victim of demonic amnesia and to have heard about caring about things that didn't seem important to him now.

He was still holding him at his waist, watched Murphy's face to see what expressions would flit across it.

[pinkroses]

Murphy found himself holding his breath as Ben's lips pressed against his throat. God, how long had it been since he'd been drunk from? Too long. Not since Ben at the Beach House. He let him eyes slide shut for a few seconds until he felt Ben pulling back when his hazel eyes opened to meet Ben's silver gaze. Murphy had missed Ben too. If only they had done this ages ago, they could have got past this awkwardness and forgotten all of that so much faster.

A frown flickered across his face as Ben said he wanted to do something for him, not quite sure what the blonde meant and not really wanting to be reminded of everything which had gone wrong. Ben stating that whatever he wanted to do wasn't because of that, only made Murphy think it was. He really had no idea what Ben had in mind - whatever it was would probably be far too much. The things Murphy wanted weren't that big, or they were things Ben couldn't give, like getting his old job back. Murphy gave a soft smile, squeezing Ben's arms. It was lovely to be told you were needed and made Murphy's heart swell, feeling content for the first time in a while. Although sometimes shit happened, he wasn't alone and neither was Ben.

"You've done my washing up, I don't need you to do anything else for me. Just... Don't stay away so long again," he said, giving a small shrug, hoping to dissuade Ben from trying to do things for him he really didn't need.

[Trillian]

"I can get you extra work," he offered, not liking his offer being dismissed but understanding why.  He held Murphy's hand, his own was still warm from the water but he could still feel the warmth from Murphy's hand above and beyond it.  "If you want it.  Just typing stuff, probably."

He figured Murphy's paycheck wasn't going to be so great now that he'd been relegated to the personals section.  He doubted there'd be opportunities for overtime either, and he knew that the Academy idea would need a lot of typing up of ideas, courses, and whatever else.  Ben figured he'd help out too, because the money he was giving over was likely going to go towards setting up and getting some of the rooms lecture hall ready, and also to keep a cushion of cash flow because initially the Academy wouldn't support itself with its fees.  The whole point of it was to help fledges or people who had nowhere else to get their information the knowledge to help themselves.  They might not have any money.  Ichabod and Ben wouldn't have, if Kerr hadn't thought to make a will and have it officially handed over to his control.  Ben wouldn't have been able to get to any of it.