A Reluctant Confession

[Existentially Odd]

Owen's brow furrowed and now his hands were rubbing thoughtfully against one another as he examined the carpet, not really wanting to look at Ben while he cast his thoughts back.  "He confused me.  I thought he asked me there for a date, that... something else might happen, then he started talking about you and the fact that he thinks I intimidate you and I couldn't understand where it was coming from."

He glanced up at Ben as he said that, wanting to see if there'd be a reaction to Vincent's beliefs.  "When I got agitated and told him I wasn't the one that made you walk out on our last session - well, our last session together - he changed tactics and started going on about how much you miss your sire so you kissed him and that I should understand because he'd understand if I told him I'd hooked up with someone while I was at the Chambers and I just..."

Owen broke off, shaking his head as his hands separated only to come towards each other and then funnel upward, describing a silent explosion that was reflected in the way his cheeks puffed up then released air suddenly.  He hadn't really blown up at Vincent so much as told him he needed time to decide if he really was being the asshole his husband had implied he was about to be, but the explosion had happened in Ben's presence.  Near enough.

[Trillian]

Ben's eyebrows lifted slightly at being told about the intimidation thing.  Interesting thing to hear, when it was coming from the guy he was intimidated by.  Why Vincent had chosen to reveal this morsel to Owen was beyond him, especially when he couldn't have known such a thing.  Ben supposed that after six centuries, a person should be able to read people, even without the mental skills, but Owen had admitted that Vincent could be clueless too.  Perhaps not clueless so much as misinterpreting, or putting the spin of his own percetption and character into a behaviour.  A person could only judge with their own yardstick, after all.

"You do intimidate me," Ben admitted sheepishly after Owen's explosive sound effect finished and was met with brief silence.  "I've always been intimidated by athletic guys, the kind with a ton of muscle.  And big black guys now, too," he added after a moment, in a flustered manner.  "I think it must be about my past, maybe it was because I always checked out the jocks in high school and knew if they knew I thought of them like that they'd beat the fuck out of me.  It's not like they did, or anything, just how I felt.  You've got that same physique, that really... hot... built... look," he was frowning now and looked away, not keen on making eye contact with Owen in case he thought Ben was now coming onto him or something.  "And you had this awesome sire who was being nice to me, and you walked in and I felt really third wheel.  It was confusing and awkward and I went off the deep end, at the end of the night.  Stressed out, I think, from feeling like a dick all night.  Like I was intruding."

And that was before I kissed Vincent
So yeh, still an intruder
But more official now.

[Existentially Odd]

Owen didn't really know what to say when Ben admitted he was intimidated by him; should he be relieved it was based mostly on his looks, or offended?  It was really difficult to tell and it just made him feel awkward because it almost felt like there'd be an offer coming any minute for them to kiss, to even out the playing field or something and he was glad Ben wasn't looking at him because even thinking that concerned him.  Thankfully, Ben's final words gave him an opening he'd been hoping for but hadn't managed to create for himself and he was able to work towards that.

"I wasn't really a jock, I just had a friend who got me to my high school's gym and I discovered I really enjoyed working out - it seemed like a good idea once I found out for sure that Vincent wanted to sire me, too, because I was pretty dorky up until then," Owen explained, laughing self-deprecatingly.  "And you weren't a third wheel, if anything that was me, given the way I can still get weird around Vincent.  I just thought you were cool, and really beautiful - well, handsome would be a better word - being that you're a model, but I thought you were really down to Earth considering you're so famous.  I had no idea about who your sire was or any of that... what was he like, your sire?  I gather not a jock or a big black guy?" Owen smiled gently, his questions hesitant because he didn't want to upset Ben by bringing up bad memories but he was curious.

[Trillian]

Not really a jock, he just worked out at the gym?  Yeh, okay, that was like saying Ben wasn't really much of a writer, he just kept a few journals.  He had to admit that sometimes a hobby could be a bigger definition than you'd first believed.  Ben didn't want to write professionally, like Murphy did, but Owen hadn't wanted to become a professional athlete either, but that didn't make him any less a jock.  Ben saw the definition quite starkly.  He couldn't imagine Owen as 'dorky'.

He wanted to correct Owen, that he wasn't a model anymore, but he kept his mouth closed.  He'd checked his old email and found a number of contacts on it that were still interested in his coming to work for them, since they'd found out he was in this city and more available to them, rather than in New York and signing up with big contract names.  It was smaller work, but that suited Ben more.  He'd not really been considering it until this moment, when Owen called him 'a model' and he hadn't cringed or immediately thought of Themba.  The 'famous' comment was something he dismissed, figuring Owen must be of the opinion that if he'd recognised Ben then many others did too.  It was a rare thing.  He wasn't famous.  Ash Rivers was closer to fame than him - and he wondered what Owen would say about the fact a Hollywood B Grader was in the city (and that Ben had sex with him).

All thoughts of anybody else left his head when Owen asked about Kerr, and his gaze returned to Owen.

"No," he said, and paused for a long moment, but he made all the gestures of someone who is about to answer: licking his lips, looking thoughtful, opening his mouth and then quirking his jaw as he considered his words.  "Kerr was straight forward.  Compassionate.  He hated mind-games and was up-front with everyone he met.  He was really patient and liked the simpler pleasures.  He was very cultured, but he wasn't elitist about it.  I could wrap him around my little finger, because he loved and trusted me so much.  He was blind to a lot of my flaws."  Ben took a deep breath and sighed.  "It wasn't perfect, but it was good.  When Kerr died I didn't only lose a lover, I lost my friend, I lost my sire.  I just took for granted that he'd always be there, because we don't die.  I keep forgetting we can be destroyed."  His voice had become very soft at the last few sentences.

[Existentially Odd]

Owen wondered about what of Ben's flaws his lover had been blind to and tried to interpose his and Vincent's relationship for the one he was hearing about.  Perhaps it was a sire/fledgling thing, because Owen could certainly imagine Vincent forgiving him his flaws because he loved him, but he wouldn't have said he had Vincent wrapped around his finger... maybe he did and he was just being modest.  Or ignorant, simply because he'd never had cause to think of things from an outward perspective.  He wondered if Ben had found it challenging to do; he'd certainly spoken eloquently enough to dissuade Owen from thinking he had difficulty switching perspectives.

"I think... maybe all the good sires... are a little blind and a lot forgiving of their fledglings' flaws.  Probably because they're old enough to have seen it all before and we're so young and stupid.  Hopefully we all get to the age where we can have their level of forgiveness," Owen smiled, but it was tinged with sadness because Ben had also reminded him that his husband could as easily be taken from him, and it was a horrible thought.  He'd regret all this time apart from him, if that happened.  He'd curse his decision to sacrifice time with the man he loved for selfish reasons and that made him terribly nervous.  He frowned.  "Do you know... how?" he queried cautiously.  "How old was he?"

[Trillian]

Ben pulled his lips inward and chewed on them for a moment, holding back all the things that were in danger of spilling out.  The first question was so hard to answer, and yet so easy.  He focussed on the first one initially, because it was a declaration of fact.

"Four hundred and seven," he said.  "His birthday was first January, which makes it easy.  I still think of my birthday as the one to celebrate, though my siring would be the more important celebration to me.  I guess it's because..."

I don't remember it

"...I was co-sired."

He could barely feel his other sire - Arles - but he felt him enough to know that he was still running around the world.  He'd felt closer to Ben, in Europe, but even then he was still a fair distance.  Perhaps the man had gone somewhere in Asia.  He was a stranger to Ben, and not anybody he was interested in seeking out.  Things would be far too unusual and awkward.

"I don't know how Kerr died, it's under investigation by the Ward," he said, and shrugged.  He doubted they'd ever find out, and he doubted it really mattered in the end.  Kerr was dead, and knowing how he died wouldn't give Ben closure, because it wouldn't bring him back.  He didn't want closure anyway, he wasn't ready for that.  "It's my fault though, indirectly.  A lot of things are my fault, just ask Conner or Jake, heh."

He doubted Owen would know who either of those people were on a personal level.

[Existentially Odd]

Since Ben mentioned Conner's name directly after the Ward, he associated the correct man and put a face to the name immediately, but he wasn't certain about who Jake was.  He didn't think that was the point of the comment, though.  It sounded more like Ben was apologising for something, and he wasn't certain what.

"He was younger than Vincent, but not young.  What would they say was your fault?" Owen asked curiously, also wanting to know how co-siring worked but holding that question back until the information taht seemed more relevant was revealed.

[Trillian]

"Kerr's death.  Bringing down the Oligarchy.  Banishing the Mimics," he said bluntly, and didn't want to get into details so he left it at that.  If Owen pushed in the wrong direction, Ben would tell him that he didn't want to talk about it anymore.  He'd made his confessions, after all.  He'd chosen Vincent for that.  He wasn't in the mood to open up to someone else, even if it meant he would lose his opportunity for training with them both.

[Existentially Odd]

Owen raised his eyebrows, understanding there was a pool here that was far deeper than Ben was willing to open up for him to dive into and feeling he was okay with that.  The set in Ben's jaw bespoke tension and wariness and Owen's gaze slid over his face and across his shoulders, taking that in before he turned the subject around a corner and steered it down a slightly different path.  He smiled, because he'd always been able to win people over with his smile and hoped it would put Ben at ease, too.

"Well.  I don't know about any of that.  When I learned you were the Luminary's fledgling, the first thing I thought about was how lucky you were to have been exposed to all the different supernaturals that came to the Chambers or lived there.  I read the magazines sometimes and all the different types that are written about in there are fascinating.  Did you mix with lots of different types?  Were there any really interesting ones?" he asked, sitting forward and clasping his hands together again, genuinely curious about Ben's life.

[Trillian]

He was relieved that Owen didn't pursue it, and he noticed the other vampire checking him out, reading him as he would read others.  He was glad Owen was smart enough to read body language and facial expression, and then respected it.  He could see why Vincent didn't want to lose him.  Theirs was a wonderful partnership, cultivated over centuries, from Vincent's point of view.  What a fucking fool he'd been, to kiss him.

"There are lots of interesting ones, especially the Fae.  I think you could study a different kind of fae creature a day and still be scratching the surface after a century.  I've decided not to pursue researching them, unless I come across one and can look them up specifically.  Vampires are... united, in a way the other species aren't.  Even the demons don't really stick together, unless their culture is familial like the Mimics.  I think it comes from our human side, to work together as a unit.  It's very... clique-y.  Not many other species trust or respect vampires, I find."

He thought Owen might have more questions, so he paused and watched him expectantly.

[Existentially Odd]

Owen tilted his head, thinking about Ben's observations and fascinated by them.  "Is it because we're predators, feeding on mortals?  But... wouldn't demons be similar?  I don't know much about them but they've always seemed predatorial and... evil, for want of a better word," Owen laughed.  "That could just be in my head, of course, considering how ignorant I am.  I've applied to work at the Ward, hopefully I learn enough so I don't put my foot in it somehow!"

[Trillian]

"The Mimic demons weren't evil," Ben said quietly, "they were noble.  They put Kerr in charge, you know.  They mutinied against Lazarus because he wasn't doing his job, and told Kerr he was who they would serve.  Every demon I've met's been... nice.  The only ones who really bother me are the shadow demons.  They... " he shrugged.  "How do you fight shadows?" he asked after a moment, and shifted uncomfortably as a shiver ran along his spine.  The movement he made was indicative of what he'd felt, and he was sure Owen would recognise it as such.

[Existentially Odd]

"Wow," Owen said, surprised to hear that every demon Ben had met had been nice.  The fact that demons mutinied and chose a vampire to be in charge of the supernatural side of the city was very strange.  "I didn't know that demons put your husband in charge - if they were so powerful, how come they didn't run things themselves?" he frowned, feeling like Ben's knowledge of everything was a maze and it was all starting to get away from him.

It was odd how Owen knew all of this had happened in the city they all lived in, but he'd been newly made and crazed with bloodlust through most of it, or mortal if not.  His ignorance was understandable in that sense but he was certainly feeling his inferiority to the beautiful vampire across from him more acutely thanks to all the catching up he was having to do.  It was boggling, though, so he wasn't certain he was better off hearing about the past when he had plenty enough to learn about in the present.  Surely there was no expiry date or too much knowledge on supernaturals, though?

[Trillian]

Here was something Ben felt compelled to correct Owen on.

"Kerr wasn't my husband.  We were never married, didn't have a ceremony, don't have rings," he said, and thought of the ring and necklace given to him from Kerr that he'd hidden away, but he'd never considered it about them, because Ichabod had one too and the jewellery had been presented in front of his fledge brother, including him.  It was about sire and fledgling, and that bond.  In his heart it had always been the more important one, and Kerr had called him out on it several times, that Ben would say 'sire and lover' instead of the other way around.  He'd thought the blood connection, the intimacy of that had been much greater than anything else, because people broke up, or moved away, but that sire/fledge bond couldn't be broken.  Of course he saw his folly now; even though Kerr was still his sire, that bond had weakened, while the love he had for Kerr did not.  Love came first.  He ached now, to concede such a thing to Kerr, when it was too late.  "I never wanted it, though he'd talked about it."  Ben shrugged.  Too late, again.

"As far as I understand, they revered the original Luminary and chose to follow him.  Halen.  The dragon.  That's why the dragon tattoo was the symbol for Oligarchs.  I guess that's going now, too," he wondered.  "They followed Lazarus because he was powerful enough to slay the dragon.  They put Kerr in charge because he stood up to Lazarus, and they backed him."  His hands came apart, palms out in an appeal to Owen.  Take my word on it, they said, because that was all he really knew.

[Existentially Odd]

"Oh, okay," Owen said, feeling a little foolish that he'd chosen the word 'husband' to use instead of sire.  He really shouldn't apply his beliefs to anyone else and it was a timely reminder; instinctively, his thumb toyed with the ring on his left hand, twisting it while Ben continued speaking.  What he said next was astounding.

"A dragon?!" he shrieked.  "No fucking way!  Dragons exist?!" he exclaimed, sitting up straighter and looking every bit as shocked and amazed as he felt.