Paint It Black

[Trillian]

Three nights ago Ben had been in Saraekiel's thrall, influenced by the dark angel's words. The phrase 'thinking with his dick' made a lot more sense now that Ben experienced that kind of lust-crazed attraction. He could see how people got swept up by it now. Kerr hadn't said a lot back then but his rant filled assessment now made Ben second-guess his initial contact. Saraekiel had backpedalled a few times, but was it because he was influenced by Ben in return, or was it because he'd wanted to charm him? Being with him last night, there had certainly been an intensity between them, a passion and a heat that had brought out an almost animalistic quality in both of them. No, he trusted that Saraekiel was genuinely into him. So how blind were they to each other? Ben had still managed to keep some things to himself, after Kerr's warning. It meant the dark angel could've as well.

"I don't think we should underestimate him," he said slowly. "We don't know anything about him. He came out of nowhere to claim the north, and nobody knows how he did it. Nobody that we know about challenged him, or maybe they did and he took care of it. I think you're right about his wanting chaos. He only changed his tune about the Oligarchy after I said I liked it and probably because he likes me."

It was a testament to how he and Ben were influenced by one another. Ben had certainly lost his fucking mind at the start with his rambling speech, dropping bombs of information thoughtlessly because he'd been so nervous he couldn't stop talking and he'd wanted to impress Saraekiel. When away from him, he noticed he could look at things differently and analyse them the usual way. But when near him? His 'dark ray of sunshine' could certainly scramble Ben's thoughts.

Pain speared his heart when Kerr admitted he preferred Ben's rapist over Saraekiel. At those words he felt fluttery within himself at Kerr's admission. He didn't like how that had turned out - if he'd been a stronger person, the outcome would've been different. There was more to unpack, there.

When Kerr spoke of taking the north and arranging an assassination, Ben's frown returned and he dropped his eyes to the doona, but he didn't pluck at it. Instead he pushed Kerr's outrage aside and went back to Lazarus.

"I shouldn't have told Jake about the rape," Ben said after a moment, lifting his gaze to look at his sire. He'd revealed a tendril of his darker ideas and received something violent in return. Was Kerr... open to that? Was this how he and Kerr would be able to manage Ben's superiority complex? By being superior together? "Because Jake got all the benefits from it by showboating the court case. What I should've done was kept it quiet and hung it over Lazarus' head myself, and used it to manage him."

This was the kind of talk that had attracted Lazarus and Charon to him and kept them coming for more. The kind of talk that had got Halen killed. But Kerr hadn't been about to leave him as he'd thought, and that gave him a burst of confidence (though he was wary that it might be misplaced and Kerr might berate him). The dealbreaker to their relationship was hurting Kerr... and becoming a sick, murdering psycho, but Ben felt very safe about not going that far into his darkness.

Except that Ichabod-torture thing haunted him. It proved he could go too far.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr agreed wholeheartedly that Saraekiel was untrustworthy and tension he didn’t realise he’d been holding for three nights leaked out of his shoulders as Ben finally acknowledged that the fuckwit hadn’t said a damn straight thing in their meeting, unless it was to comply with what came out of Ben’s mouth. It had been utterly transparent to Kerr. He felt vindicated at last!

The mention of Ben’s rape and Jake’s handling of the situation brought a scowl, recalling that dark time in their lives and the complete mismanagement of it. “Hindsight is twenty-twenty,” Kerr agreed and heard himself sound ambivalent with those words. Fuck that, he wasn’t and if he wanted Ben to be honest with himself and his feelings, he needed to lead by example. He’d held his opinions in check back then, too, in some instances. He’d been too worried about upsetting an already-fragile Ben to reveal everything he’d thought. Tonight was the time for that, apparently.

“But you’re right, Jake fucked up and you should never have told him,” Kerr agreed bluntly. “Manipulating Lazarus would’ve given us so many advantages now but we didn’t get a chance to think before it was all underway. I... I’m sorry. I should’ve done more but I was so afraid of hurting you more and my only thought was protecting you. And shoving Lazarus into the portal in my chest to lock him away until we could figure out what to do with him,” he admitted with a shrug. “But Jake had him and it was all too complicated and would’ve involved too many big moves I didn’t feel you were emotionally ready to deal with. Do you... resent me? Do you feel I stopped you from getting the revenge you deserved?”

Kerr hoped like hell that role was still Jake’s in Ben’s head but he would cop it on the chin if Ben felt he was partially responsible. There were no rules for dealing with what they’d gone through and the simple fact that Ben had even been raped meant that Kerr’s resolve was undermined by a river of guilt. It’d felt like his fault; if Ben told him now that he thought he could’ve done better by him, Kerr wouldn’t be surprised.

[Trillian]

"No, you healed me." He remembered the ocean, being under the waves, being at peace. "And it's easy to think about managing Lazarus but harder to do it. I would've had to wrangle him away from Jake. But... what he did, it mostly damaged me because it reminded me how powerless I am. I mean... I've weaponised sex before enough to recognise it wasn't the... the act... so much as the helplessness that came with it. He took me back to Themba, a place I thought I'd escaped from, but he also didn't make it hurt so... I almost feel like he was trying to recreate something with me? I dunno. He's not exactly around to ask."

He hadn't really talked about the rape except to describe to Kerr what had happened. He'd thought about it a lot afterward.

He wondered if he would be asked about weaponising sex.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr nodded his agreement that getting Lazarus away from Jake had been an issue; it’d stopped him, too. He was relieved that Ben assigned him the role of healer, not the one to be blamed. His interest was piqued by one of Ben’s comments.

“Thankfully,” he murmured to the fact that Lazarus wasn’t around to ask. “Who’ve you weaponised sex with?” he asked, obvious interest in his expression. He thought it was possible Ben would tell him ‘everyone’ and he’d be disappointed to hear he was weak to it - but not surprised.

There were times every relationship became a negotiation and theirs was no different. Sex wasn’t commonly used between them as a tactic, emotions had generally been his and Ben’s weapon of choice but he supposed it would’ve happened to him, not with his consent (or awareness).

[Trillian]

"Themba," he said, not knowing if he'd done it before that. "When he wanted me to drink from him, I didn't want that connection so I offered sex instead. He made noises of disapproval but went for it anyway. That's when I realised how I could use it against him but it would backfire sometimes." He shrugged, thinking of that one time Themba had made the sex hurt because he'd thought Ben was flirting with another. The memory was no longer vivid - it had happened long enough ago that he could look back on it without fear or hatred.

"I guess with Charon, too. To make him want me enough to play as you."

He wondered if he would see anything negative in Kerr's face. Disappointment. Disgust. Because he saw only what he thought was thoughtfulness, he admitted something else.

"I probably would've slept with Jake if I thought it would've got me somewhere." It would've been against his instincts but if he'd read any interest in Jake's eyes when he'd looked at him, Ben would've used it. He hated Jake so much that the emotion was passionate enough to fuck with.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr laughed at Ben's admission he'd have slept with Jake, amused by the thought of the two of them together. It didn't have any negative effect on him. "But you realised there was nowhere to go that was worth that?" he chimed in bitchily but then his gaze slid to the phone on the bed nearby and he sighed loudly.

"Yeahhhh, about that. I think... I kind of fucked up with him last night. You went to Saraekiel, I went to Jake," he admitted, looking sheepishly up at Ben from beneath his lashes, his head still somewhat angled towards the phone. He reached over and picked it up, unlocking it so he could read Jake's message properly.  He couldn't bring himself to confess what he'd asked of Jake, it seemed a strange and deviant request on another, clear-headed night, but he alluded to it.

"I needed a friend and he was there for me but... things got a little out of hand. In the heat of the moment, I led him to believe I'd sleep with him but then he mentioned you and sanity won out and I refused him. He was hurt. He didn't take it well. I started out with my Jake but I definitely ended with your Jake because I kept trying to apologise for leading him on and he made a nasty comment and gave me the finger as I left. He's apologised but... " Kerr shrugged, showing Ben Jake's message. "I've made it awkward, unfortunately. I'll need to fix it, I guess."

[Trillian]

Ben hadn't thought Kerr would go to Jake and his eyebrows raised with his surprise. It was interesting to think that Kerr might have consummated a sexual relationship with Jake. He felt a spark of cruel pleasure that Jake had been denied, but it went away quickly when he heard about how Kerr and Jake had parted. Ben's gaze dropped to the phone and he read the message a few times, trying out different tones and inflections in his head before he was satisfied that Jake wanted Kerr still.

"Seems like he's feeling part of the fault," he said. "Will you show me what happened?" he asked tentatively, imagining that there'd be a lot of kissing and fondling.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blanched and swallowed, looking at Ben warily. He ran through what had happened last night and strongly considered refusing Ben... it would seem so weird and out of character. But he couldn't do that. Not now that he'd preached honesty and self-awareness with such ferocity. He'd be a hypocrite. He owed it to Ben to share his darkness, too.

Gritting his teeth, Kerr closed his eyes and reached out to Ben's mind, pulling him in in a way that was becoming familiar and strangely more intimate than even sex. He began with the moment he'd asked Jake to fight him because he had the need to punch the shit out of something that wouldn't break and Jake would fit the bill. He was aware that the turbulence of his emotions were so strong in that moment that he could barely see straight and now Ben would understand the frenzy he'd driven him to, too.

As he'd done previously, he allowed Ben to dictate what he saw, letting him run through anything again, if he wanted to. He wondered if the scenes of Kerr walking through the unfamiliar labyrinth beneath The White Rabbit roused bad memories for Ben but soon enough the punching and the agony began and that would likely be distraction enough. Ben would understand how he'd relished the pain, how it'd grounded him and given him a focus he hadn't been able to achieve alone - he hoped.

It was interesting, reviewing it now, how he and Jake had progressed from a lust for violence to straight up lust. Jake riding his dick hadn't exactly helped him remain impartial but he'd also wanted him. Wanted to fuck. Wanted to drown them both in blood and revel in it until he was spent, because that was the insanity he'd been lost in, last night. He kind of forgave himself, looking at it again, and hoped Ben would, too. Once Jake had given him the finger, Kerr pulled away from Ben's mind and opened his eyes, nervous about his judgement of what he'd seen.

Kerr felt naked, expecting Ben might start looking at him as if he was some sort of freak now.

[Trillian]

Ben was quiet for a long moment.

"I enjoyed hitting his face," he said, then smirked. His smile turned into laughter when Kerr started laughing at his comment. They giggled until Ben wound down and considered what he'd just seen. He was surprised Jake hadn't known how to get Kerr to do what he very obviously wanted. Kerr had been too complex for him. Ben would've just used the physical assault and wrestling and just started kissing and humping, staying away from talking altogether. The atmosphere between them at that point had been fully charged. Unless.... Ben didn't think Jake was that bad at seduction so something else was going on for Jake to bomb them from getting together. He'd certainly got upset surprisingly fast - like he was throwing up yet another barricade between him and Kerr doing the deed. Huh.

"I can't fight. I would've been his punching bag," Ben said. After a moment's thought, he asked; "Is it possible to show false memories?"

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr considered. "Yes, because I've seen Sawyl do it but it involves you convincing yourself that it's real and happened a certain way, for one, and there's a... a muted quality to false memories that comes out if the person you're trying to swindle is paying attention and starts to doubt," he explained, having been the victim to such illusions countless times in his life.

"Like, under scrutiny, they'll fall apart because they don't have a holistic set of sensory impressions embedded - as they would be, if you'd been there, experiencing that moment authentically. If the vampire is skilled at deception, they'll carve something into the falsehood to make it seem real - a random noise or smell, usually - but it quickly comes undone if a sense is neglected. Particularly touch. You're always touching something, whether it's as simple as the clothes on your skin or someone else's body. You're going to have physical input and if the textures aren't encoded into the memory properly, it feels fake from the start."

He tilted his head, assessing Ben. "You want to learn to do it? Or you think I'm trying to deceive you?" he teased gently, smiling because he didn't genuinely believe it was the latter.

[Trillian]

"No," Ben said offhandedly, positive that Kerr never would. "When I first went to Charon, he wanted to see some of my, uh, experience with you, so he could play the part. Or get off on it," he added with a sly grin, "but a couple of times he accused me of giving him a false memory. I'd superimposed your face onto

Sotiris

someone else."

Charon had rummaged around and seen who it was and he'd been very surprised that Ben had interacted with a Sacramentum contact before him. Ben hadn't even realised Liquid Empire was a Sacramentum business until Charon had told him so.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr grinned, absurdly flattered and wanting to have that bit of information explained in greater detail.

"So you accidentally did it because, at some point in your past, you'd been with someone else and imagined they were me?" he asked gleefully, coveting the notion that this had the added bonus of upsetting Charon and his play with Ben. "So you're telling me I was your fantasy?" he teased.

[Trillian]

Ben stared at Kerr, wondering if he'd forgotten that Ben had spent six months living a fantasy while he'd been gone. He couldn't recall imagining Kerr in place of Sotiris at the time, but when Charon had been after Kerr data, Ben must have wanted more and confused memories.

"Yeah. One of them." He gave a slow, sly grin.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr raised his eyebrows. "And what else is there?" he enquired curiously.

Part of him was unsettled with flirting with Ben because he could still imagine all too vividly the hands that had been on him last. In this sense, he felt he was being deceptive but it was automatic for his body to quicken and his imagination to stir to life when Ben looked at him with a sexy smile like that. It was very confusing.

[Trillian]

Ben shrugged, not wanting to talk fantasies when he couldn't see it through. He'd noticed an absence of touches and knew it was because Kerr was still angry, in a way. It was unusual for Kerr not to have his hands on him, to reach out, to hold and caress and just... touch. Ben wanted to initiate but he didn't want Kerr to pull away.

Still, an image flashed into Kerr's mind vividly, of the two of them fully dressed, standing facing one another and making intense eye contact, and a naked young man kneeling between them (first it was Cain, then it morphed into Charlie... then into Win), looking from one to the other for permission to attend to one of them first.

It was gone like a blink, as though Ben hadn't meant to think or send it. He was wary when he realised Kerr might have received some of what his mind had thrown at him.