Mistakes Were Made

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked at Ben, letting the question hang in the air to emphasise its preposterous nature. He stared right back at his lover, knowing he was defensive because he was hurt.  That hadn't been Kerr's intention or implication at all. He could forgive Ben being triggered by Lazarus' name and not hearing him properly, though, so the pregnant pause was also to be sure he was heard clearly when he spoke this time.

"That's the exact opposite of everything I just said."

[Trillian]

Not quite, Ben thought to Kerr's explanation that he was declaring the opposite. He wished for the opposite, he believed that Ben wouldn't delve so far, but to say it at all was enough to know the thought had lurked in his mind.

"You threw it out as a possibility," Ben said, his tone conversational. His gaze dropped and shifted aside while his muscles tensed. He knew he was latching onto something said flippantly, that Kerr had possibly only thrown it out there as a shocking example, but it had entered Kerr's mind enough to be said. He'd had no qualms reminding Ben about the path he'd headed down on. Never mind that Ben already admitted he'd done the wrong thing. Never mind that Ben was prepared to live with his mistake and make up for it. It felt to him like Kerr wouldn't know how big a deal it had been to Ben to hear that name as a comparison.

If asked before it happened, because Ben himself had thought about and mentioned Lazarus already, he would've declared he wouldn't think twice about such a thing being said by Kerr. But now here they were and he was still reeling. Funny, that.

"Can you wake Cain up after I'm dressed, please," Ben said, and turned to go towards the bedroom.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, wondering if Ben was deliberately misunderstanding his message or if he was still just too thrown by Lazarus’ name to hear him. It felt - and looked - like the latter so he clarified.

“I used him as an example of a vampire existing on power trips and then specifically said it won’t be you. It’s not a possibility,” Kerr frowned. “I won’t let that happen.” Whether he prevented such dire eventualities with love and guidance or violence and death was left to interpretation but the steely tone of his ominous statement implied all of it was possible.

He didn’t acknowledge the request to wake Cain up because it was mainly a way for Ben to let him know he was upset and wanted the conversation to be over. It was a signature Ben Samson move, a verbal full stop - used particularly when he was uncomfortable with the topic. Kerr disagreed they were done.

[Trillian]

Kerr’s insistent words gave Ben pause but the phrasing and what he said didn’t sell his meaning at all. It felt like an argument the other way.

“But left to my own devices...?” Ben prompted. “I understand why you don’t trust me. I’ve proven myself untrustworthy. But don’t throw Lazarus in my face and say you didn’t.”

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's frown didn't abate but he held his tongue while he tried to see this from Ben's perspective. His only movement was to blink. He'd thrown Lazarus down as a cautionary tale with personal connections; Ben wasn't wrong, technically, but Kerr needed to take Ben beyond the personal.

"I trust you. My belief in you is strong," he stated bluntly. "Left to your own devices, you certainly wouldn't become Lazarus. But you covet power and are drawn to it. You're corruptible. Which is why the powerful are drawn to you. It's a potentially catastrophic symbiosis and exactly why you need to stay away from evil influences. Particularly while you're still navigating your way through situations like this thing with Cain, testing your boundaries and trying to find your balance. I'm here to give you a fighting chance at doing that. I'm your advocate, not throwing things in your face."

He lifted his eyebrows, his expression wary.

[Trillian]

Corruptible. What an interesting way of looking at him. It came from much farther left field than Lazarus. In a way the comparison to Lazarus was expected, even though it had shocked him regardless. But 'corruptible' felt oddly worse.

When he'd first met Kerr years ago he'd been out hunting for a vampire most likely to sire him. He'd sought immortality. Was that seeking out corruption? And when he'd woken up in the desert to come face to face with another person using a copy of his face and body... he'd run away from that and gone to New York, hooking up with Sotiris, a powerful Ancient. Not really a corruption there. It had come after, with Themba. Had he been corrupted then? He'd played a dangerous game but no, he hadn't felt corrupted. And after returning home, Lazarus had rediscovered him. It had only been sexual though Lazarus seemed to think it had been more meaningful. Had Ben been corrupted then? He didn't think so. And then when he'd gone to Charon to play the part of Kerr. Was that a corruption? Of Kerr's memory, yes, but... Ben himself hadn't felt corrupted or corruptible. He'd been groomed by Charon to become an Ambassador for the Sacrament until the roleplay had taken them both over in the last remaining months before Kerr's return.

So where was it, that Kerr believed he was corruptible? It could only come from one person. One name. Saraekiel.

"No," he said finally, after a drawn out pause. "I'm not corruptible. That's your excuse for me, maybe. It's not why the powerful are drawn to me. I put myself in front of them, sometimes consciously and sometimes not, and generally they're interested in me because I don't shy away. Maybe not too many people look them in the eye, I don't know what it is, but it's not corruption. You only think that because of... because I call what's inside me my darkness, and 'dark' is what he is. But no, I'm not corruptible. I think it's more the other side. Corrupting."

[Existentially Odd]

Despair rose in Kerr and he was weary of arguing. It mattered to Ben that he was exposed to corrupting influences but wasn't corruptible because he was young and saw himself as invincible but Kerr knew better how the passage of time corroded everything - particularly resolve - and he feared for Ben's future. Ben, in all his youthful bluster, saw it as Kerr doubting him rather than Kerr trying to get Ben to cement his values before prolonged exposure to 'corrupting' influences undermined them.

Maybe Ben was right, though. Maybe he was making excuses and crying alarm and all it amounted to was a lack of faith in his partner. Kerr had lived a life that had burnt him. He was old and jaded. Perhaps his paranoia was the true corruption here and all this tension was coming from him. Maybe he was worrying for nothing. He just didn't know anymore. He rubbed an agitated hand back and forth over his short hair and then it dropped back to his hip to mirror his other one.

"Well, as long as you're confident, I guess Digital and I worry for nothing," he sighed, looking Ben directly in the eye. Kerr had lost his entire family because Digital foresaw Ben's ultimate corruption and fall to the influence of those evil fuckers. It was the insidious worm undermining his faith and always spreading terror through his heart that he couldn't forget about. It was the reason he could never relax and thought he would remain ever vigilant until Ben was older. Apparently, Ben was confident he was fine.

Digital hadn't killed Saraekiel yet... but Kerr still had hope on that front.

[Trillian]

Digital's name being dropped caused Ben to shift position and straighten fully, arms dropping to his sides and facing Kerr directly. He was alarmed by Kerr's casual reference and also irritated that news hadn't been shared with him.

"Why? What has he told you?" he demanded.

[Existentially Odd]

"Nothing new," Kerr frowned, lifting a hand and waving it dismissively, as if gesturing towards the past. "It's just never far from my mind that he killed my family because he wanted to protect you from succumbing to their corrupting influence."

[Trillian]

“Yesterday he warned me to stay away from frogs because they would steal my socks so I don’t think judging how corruptible I am based on his warnings is a fair call,” Ben said, a light smile forming on the corner of his mouth. “It was his truth and you forgave him but that was over ten years ago. How long are you going to hold grudges against me for? How long before you accept I’m different or will make different decisions? Am I going to hear about this night in a century's time?”

The smile was gone as Ben considered his own argument. “You say you trust me and then you throw old shit that somebody else prophesied against me in my face. Either you trust me or you don’t.”

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr looked pained as he considered Ben's challenge, feeling it just wasn't that simple. There were so many variables at play; future predictions, developing personalities, exploring preferences, political affiliations, evil influences and naive vulnerability. It was hard for him to let go in the face of such terrors.

"You know what? I don't think I trust anything. Or anyone. Not you. Not even myself. As eternal as this life is, the length of it just means prolonged exposure to change and to risk. The more you have, the more you have to lose. And you're my everything," he said quietly, his expression despairing and resigned as he gazed at Ben.

He shook his head, expecting Ben to take exception to being told he wasn't trusted but unwilling to change his comment. He didn't trust anything. "It's not holding a grudge. It's just having a long and jaded memory. Ten years wasn't that long ago."

[Trillian]

Ben studied Kerr; the press of his lips, the line of his shoulders, where he set his weight. Ben moved closer, his steps more deliberate than Kerr's had been before and he moved almost into his intimate personal space but stopping just before it. Reaching out to touch distance, not hugging distance.

"Then stop," Ben said gently. "Stop thinking about what might happen or what happened then. I know I messed up and now I know I messed up bad. I'm lucky Cain's so positive, that I didn't break him. That in itself has..." he pressed his lips closed and breathed the rest of his air out through his nose instead of using them on the rest of his words. He tried again, his eyes falling to Kerr's chest as he spoke the rest of it. "I hoped to come out of it unscathed, that you would help me cover it up because of the... because someone might see what I've been doing with him and it would hurt my campaign. But if that's what happens then so be it. It's not like I can blame anyone but myself. I pushed myself to do things I normally wouldn't do, just to see if I'd like it and... I like the feeling of being dangerous but I don't like endangering others. I treat Cain badly because..."

He couldn't say it. Right when it was almost out of his mouth it suddenly felt absurd.

"I don't know why I do, but it'll stop. I promise. Myself, I mean. I promise myself I won't continue treating him that way. I've learnt enough."

His eyes finally lifted to meet Kerr's. He didn't expect that his sire's stare would soften, but his lover's might. It depended on whether he was believed. He didn't think he was lying.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, wanting to take Ben's advice but not knowing how. It wasn't in him to just stop worrying, not when he had such a headstrong and unbalanced fledgeling to guide (and a lover who would blindly follow where his dick led, rather than his head). Those variables would haunt Kerr for a good while yet and Ben's campaign and what might ruin it was the least of his concern. Everyone in the house's wellbeing was far more important.

He nodded his acknowledgement of Ben's promise to treat Cain better, unable to respond in kind and promise he'd show more trust. The blond was arrogant and naive to believe things could be so simple... but Kerr did believe he'd try. That counted for a lot. Hopefully it meant Ben had grown up enough that this sort of thing wouldn't need to happen for him to realise just how wrong his choices could be.

Kerr lifted an eyebrow when the primary source of his ire failed to be addressed in amongst Ben's enlightened vows, however. "And how about you promise me that you'll stop trying to deceive me and you'll honour that other promise you already made me that you'd be more open - even when you know you've fucked up - hrrrm?" he prompted, his hands lifting to grasp either side of Ben's head. Kerr held him in place, his eyebrows raised as he looked pointedly at his young love.

He was damn cute... as far as motherfucking assholes went.

[Trillian]

"I am being more open," Ben said, but he knew his statement was a cop-out because he knew what Kerr meant. "But you're right, I went back to old habits. It's difficult to tell you things I know you won't like. I feel like it's cruel."

He knew what Kerr would hit him up with next. 'Then don't do them'. But Kerr had already told him to explore his true self.

[Existentially Odd]

"Mmm, because I'd much rather find out stuff like I did tonight," he growled sarcastically, giving Ben's head a little shake as his eyes widened for emphasis. His gaze roved over Ben's face contemplatively, his tongue twisting so that his stud tapped against the roof of his mouth. His grip softened and his hands whispered their way down to Ben's neck, his thumbs brushing along his jaw.

He was aware that they'd missed their chance to start the night with sex because of Ben's confession and favour request, which disappointed Kerr but he wasn't likely to do anything about it now. He was still disgruntled with this whole deception situation and Ben wouldn't want him angry in bed. Well, maybe he would enjoy getting punished... Kerr felt a twitch of interest and forcibly stopped thinking about it.

"You should always tell me anyway. Trying to hide shit from me is crueller and it's the part that pisses me off most. Are you sure you don't know why you treat Cain so badly?" he prompted frowning again. It seemed odd that Ben couldn't state equivocally what he disliked about the mortal to bring such nastiness out of him.