The Defeatist

[Trillian]

After extracting himself from Saraekiel, he'd showered before meeting with the Dean and informing him that he would be having a vacation for an indeterminate time. They hammered out what the Dean could be responsible for and was given the green light to add staffmembers and classes as he saw fit. Then Ben met with a few of the lecturers who were available, glad that Vincent wasn't rostered on tonight. He felt as though his former mentor would be able to see right through him. Dreki was on, though, and their dialogue was professional though stiffly delivered. Ultimately everyone would be given the news that Zim Parry was fully in charge of the Academy without requiring founder approval, and including hiring and firing, which had been Ben's main responsibility.

On the drive back, Ben kept his mind firmly on the road. He arrived at the Luminary sooner than expected and there were still many hours left in the night. He parked in his spot and headed up. He could sense the elevator whisking him closer to Kerr with each floor it zoomed past. Hollow stare and with emotionless expression, he entered the penthouse to see Cain and Kerr on the couch together (but not together) and sat down diagonally from them. He'd noticed on the approach how tense Kerr looked. He'd sat up and stared at him expectantly.

"Cain, do you mind going downstairs to the games area or something?" Ben said, his voided stare shifting into something that resembled warmth and apology which faded after the mortal was out of the way. He held eye contact with Kerr, waiting until the elevator doors closed before speaking again. "You look worried," he said. "You don't have to be worried."

Delivered matter-of-factly.

[Existentially Odd]

"Oh, come on," Cain teased, grinning as he poked a finger into Kerr's pectoral. He admired the way the tight-fitting grey tee barely imprinted before he walked his fingers up the vampire's chest and curled his wrist around his neck. He was stretched out along the couch, his ass pressed up against the side of Kerr's thigh and his back laying across his lap. His head was on the armrest as he gazed up at Kerr adoringly, one hand gently patting his soft, spiky head, the other now caressing his neck. "You can't be serious."

"I am," Kerr chuckled indulgently, smirking down at the shirtless mortal sprawled across his thighs. He wasn't sure where to put his hands, chagrined by the flare of pleasure that sparked in Cain's mismatched blue eyes when one settled at the hip nearest his knee and the other rested on his bicep. Really, he'd just been trying to make sure he didn't roll off the couch but Cain didn't see it that way, he knew.

They'd spent the better part of an hour with him huffing impatiently at Kerr because he didn't see the point in returning to abstaining with him. Not after they'd spent the night together the night before and it had been as good as it had always been between them. Possibly even better, since it had been so long. That hadn't been about them, though, Kerr maintained. It had been for Ben; an inadequate distraction from his breaking heart.

"You're being ridiculous!" Cain chortled.

Kerr blinked, his black eyelashes fluttering his offence at the accusation. "Now who's being dramatic?" he demanded haughtily.

Cain blushed, his beautiful cheeks colouring a delicious pink. "Yeah, okay," he grumbled, pursing his lips thoughtfully. His eyes narrowed. "Is it because you're Irish?" he asked suspiciously.

Kerr snorted. "She's Scottish. There's hardly any loyalty there!" he declared, returning the poking favour and attacking Cain's ribs. Predictably, he curled into a defensive ball, rolling inward and pressing his face into Kerr's side as laughter overtook him. Kerr grinned, his cool fingers dancing across the sleek muscle holding Cain's ribs in place, enjoying the sweet sound of his boyish laughter.

"Alright! Alright! I concede!" he cried, pulling his face away from Kerr's stomach long enough to gasp air into his lungs and surrender.

Kerr stopped the tickling and watched as the boy slowly unfurled and grinned up at him, his eyes dancing with the watery mirth that only merciless tickles can provide. "Say it," Kerr demanded, quirking his right eyebrow as he watched Cain imperiously.

Cain huffed again, taking advantage of the temporary truce long enough to get his breath back and return to his former very comfortable position. He licked his lips and grinned broadly when Kerr automatically mirrored his action, just because he was watching him so closely and they were so attuned to each other.

God, he was such an idiot. A big, stupid vampire idiot. He knew what he was missing out on between them and even he admitted how dumb it was that he was listening to his stupid fledge's opinion. He was denying himself needlessly, but he was old and fucking stubborn and Cain lamented that he hadn't been able to change his mind. He'd just have to wait until it happened some other way, he supposed, sighing quietly to himself as his gaze roved over Kerr's handsome features. Some might call his looks severe, he supposed, but they were perfect to Cain. Everything about Kerr was perfect, to Cain. Even his stupid abstinence.

"I'm waiting," Kerr prompted, the other eyebrow joining the first.

Cain giggled again and poked his finger into Kerr's mouth, pressing it between his lips with little resistance and running it along his tongue. When he found the little metal ball that felt so good pressed beneath the head of his cock, he rubbed his finger over it. He moaned a sigh, swirling his finger around and feeling his pants tighten as the blood rushed downward. It only got harder and he swallowed and shifted uncomfortably when Kerr sucked on his finger with glinting eyes.

"Oh fuck," he whimpered, squirming as he lowered his other hand to palm the crotch of his swim shorts.

Kerr pulled his mouth off Cain's finger with a slick pop, smirking at the mortal again. "Not what I'm waiting to hear," he reminded saucily.

Cain glared at Kerr, feeling his chuckle echo through him in the most delightful way. It was hard to even feign anger at him when the vampire could turn him into a lustful puddle of want with just a look but he tried anyway. "Fine," he snapped. "Merida is the ultimate Disney princess," he said through gritted teeth.

"Thank you," Kerr said graciously, feeling around near Cain's ass for the remote he'd abandoned when their heated debate had begun. He unpaused 'Brave' and they continued to watched long red curls flying blindingly across the screen.

"I still say Elsa could kick her ass, though," Cain muttered mulishly, turning so that his shoulders were pressed back against Kerr's stomach and he could see the television again.

Kerr merely snorted as he started combing his fingers through Cain's long hair and the mortal sighed contentedly, practically purring as Kerr's nails occasionally raked his scalp. The motion was so soothing, Cain was outright confused when Kerr tensed a few minutes later. He whined, reaching up in an attempt to convince Kerr to keep playing with his hair. "What's wrong?" he pouted, unable to make Kerr's hand continue moving.

"Ben's back."

"So?"

Kerr pressed his lips together, unable to tell Cain what he was nervous about. 'Everything' seemed like a good answer. The tension didn't leak from his body as Ben got closer, though he resumed his grooming of his pet with a distracted hand. His gaze left the TV when he felt Ben arrive at the penthouse level, his head turned to watch his love enter the lounge. It followed his progress unerringly.

When Ben sat down opposite them, he drew Cain's attention, too. He sighed at the request for him relocate, having expected it even though he dreaded it. "Sure," he agreed, sitting up and giving Kerr a pointed look when he grabbed the remote and stopped the movie, silently telling Kerr that he didn't want him to watch it without him. He sighed again when Kerr didn't even look his way. He got up and made himself scarce, wishing for the day when he wasn't always being shooed from the room like a child that would wilt if he heard Daddy and Daddy fight.

Kerr watched Ben closely, looking for signs of life or genuine emotion. He couldn't see any - beyond the rage simmering just beneath everything, souring their bond with its taint - though he didn't miss the fact that Ben smelt shower fresh. He'd gone away to take care of some business at the Academy and returned having showered? In the mood Ben was in, Kerr hoped he was only masking the scent of sex. He blinked when he was told he didn't have to worry but his expression didn't soften. Being told a thing didn't make it true.

"I always worry about you," he said bluntly, aware that it could spark the sire/lover debate they'd had - or even something worse - and almost hoping for it. He didn't feel Ben was expressing himself in a healthy way, though it had only been a night. He'd wait it out. In the meantime, he'd fucking worry his ass off, despite what his pup of a fledge had to say. "But especially now."

[Trillian]

Ben took a moment to stare at Kerr, assessing his reaction, assessing his words, assessing how the blood bond thrummed between them; jangly and impatient. He knew he was behaving in a way that would only draw out Kerr's fears but he couldn't make himself stop. He'd arrived at that point where he was

trashing

coping with everything. He wasn't running around making emotionally charged decisions, everything made a horrible kind of sense. He squashed the thoughts that insisted on being dredged up and they went, though they didn't go quietly. He hummed his displeasure at the little voice inside of him. He considered Kerr might think that disappointed noise had something to do with what he was about to say. It fit, in any case.

"My car is recogniseable now, since the festival. When I went to the Academy, there was someone waiting for me. He must've been... flying around or something. Or he's put spies on me, that's possible."

Ben didn't want to say his name to Kerr. He'd said enough, knew the shower would fill in the rest. He looked sideways, breaking eye contact with Kerr and considered if there really were spies on him from Saraekiel. What would they know about him? He should've asked Rae outright. He had a feeling that the dark angel would tell him. There wasn't trust between them, but there could be truth.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned as Ben started talking about his car, mildly baffled that the fight he'd expected didn't come. The confusion only grew as he talked about 'someone' waiting for him, flying around, spies... and then realisation hit him like a lead weight propelled into his body at high speed. His stomach twisted and his face contorted with repulsion as he flinched deeper into the couch, head turned as if he'd been slapped.

Oh, God.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be cool and calm about it. He'd fucking encouraged it. But that was a month ago, when he'd returned with his tail between his legs, contrite and disgusted with himself because he'd made a stupid decision. The wrong decision. He'd been emotional and willing to do anything, give anything if only Ben would forgive him. He'd been sunk deep in his own horror at putting Ben through these feelings and had convinced himself that turnabout was fair play.

He'd been very wrong and his initial instincts prevailed as Ben sucker-punched him with this repulsive news. He couldn't handle it. It wasn't even the sex - though that was horrific in itself - it was Ben. His fragility. His vulnerability. His fucking corruptibility. Right now, he was the sweetest fruit on a very fucking low-hanging branch and Sa-fucking-ray-of-fucking-evil would gorge himself on Ben's pain. It was such a hideous thought, Kerr felt physically ill, in a way he hadn't for hundreds of years. It was strange and awful.

Images of the two of them together, entwined and... Kerr clenched his eyes shut and forced them out of his head, feeling a slight heave in his gut. He fisted his hands, pleased that Cain had stolen the remote from him. He would've crushed it. Now he understood why Ben was on the other couch. He was glad. The thought of touching him right now made his skin crawl and he shuddered, hating himself but hating that vile filth more. He was a tragedy of a creature, a joke of a leader and an evil motherfucker.

Kerr had daydreamed frequently of ending Saraekiel's life, particularly once he'd met Remiel and they'd discussed angels of light and dark at length. Their potential alliance never seemed sweeter than in that moment and he relished the new images that came to him, of him tearing Saraekiel away from Ben's helpless flesh only to have Remiel disembowel the dark angel where he stood. The imagined plop of his viscera falling upon the ground as he stared in open-mouthed wonder was truly satisfying. Almost as good as thinking about the blood gushing from his torn open throat. Or the thud of his ugly head falling to the ground and rolling away after one giant stroke of Remiel's sword.

Bloody, violent images were the only thing that calmed him and Kerr longed to call Remiel with a poignancy only Ben could usually draw from him. He was too disgusted to hide anything from Ben, though he wasn't exactly projecting his bloodlust, either. Just... relishing it for a minute or two. It made him feel better - enough that his eyelids flew open and he was able to look at Ben, his brown eyes glittering. His fists remained clenched, his body rigid.

"You need to stay the fuck away from him right now. You'll just feed him all your power," he ground out. You stupid little idiot.

[Trillian]

Ben reacted with surprised laughter, insulted by Kerr's warning. The laughter died down rapidly and he had a quick reply.

"Will I? Jake's got the power I might once have held. You and I talked about how I could use my relationship with Saraekiel once I was District Leader. How quickly you dismiss my ability for negotiation. Is it because I lost the election?"

His words were delivered flatly though there was an undercurrent of venom. Yes, he'd felt it too whilst with Saraekiel, and thought the dark angel had been feeding off it as surely as Ben fed off blood. But it was quid pro quo, wasn't it? They both understood how they could use one another. The sexual attraction was just a... peculiar quirk that had brought them together.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr stared at Ben, feeling the needling pricking at his skin, the desire to respond and feed Ben's misery strong. He couldn't do it, though. Ben's heart was broken, he'd been betrayed by the city he loved. He was reeling and vulnerable. Kerr wanted to protect him, not wound him further. It was a heinous task when he had to protect him from himself.

"There's no negotiation with that imbecile. He's not worthy of your attention any more. We'll have other options open to us now," he maintained, thinking of Remiel again. He wasn't their only option. Kerr was sure other avenues would open up, once they regrouped. Ben needed to give himself time to do that, though, and coating himself in the jagged shards of his broken heart wasn't the right way to go about it. It wasn't a strong position, even if he thought he was. "It'll just take some time."

[Trillian]

There was more to confess. The sex wasn't even really it and Kerr wasn't reacting as strongly as Ben had expected. A physical reaction, yes, but he was being very reasonable about it. Ben felt relieved and also, stupidly, a little disappointed. Had he wanted Kerr to scream at him? No, not really, but it would've been familiar.

Nothing was the same any more. The city looked different, felt different. He was a nobody now, worse, he was someone to be ridiculed by the opposition and pitied by those who supported him. Kerr was looking at him that way now, too. He recognised the sadness in his sire's eyes, looking at him like he'd been wounded and was bleeding.

Nobody seemed to realise he had teeth.

"I made my own options," Ben said. "I told Saraekiel about the ring. The one that Jake stole from Lazarus after he killed Halen for it. I think it's cursed, you know? People who wear it end up dead."

He said it flippantly, as if it didn't carry the weight in his heart that it did.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr frowned, not quite sure he was understanding what Ben was saying. The ring was cursed, if it was taken by force, though... people ended up dead? Oh. After a moment of staring, Kerr hazarded a guess.

"You're saying you told Saraekiel to kill Jake?"

[Trillian]

And there it was again, said out loud with context. Kerr would see and feel the shock that travelled through Ben's body, with a residue of guilt followed by a wash of denial.

"No." Stated firmly, but this was what the confession really was about, wasn't it? It began to churn in him, what he'd done, what he'd said, and he held it away from himself like it was a writhing cat that he was trying to force into a sink full of water.

"I told Saraekiel about Jake's ring, the one that lets him prance around in the daytime like he owns the fucking world. It's not enough that I let him have the sun, he still took the city from me. And it makes him vulnerable, that stupid fucking idiot risks his life every time he goes outside with it because he has no powers to defend himself, he has no way of stopping an ambush when he's in the middle of a fucking walk in the park. I didn't tell Saraekiel what to do, all I gave him was information that..."

will lead to Jake's death. Nope, try again.

"All I gave him was information that..."

will help him end Jake. Nope, that was the same thing.

"All I gave him was information that..."

Fuck, he could hear himself repeating the same line like a broken record. What the hell was wrong with him? He lifted a hand and covered his mouth with it before closing his eyes.

Stop. Stop talking. You've said too much already.

Kerr might feel differently about him, but Ben would prefer his disgust to his pity.

No, no I don't. I'll take whatever has him stay with me.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr nodded thoughtfully, gnawing on his tongue stud and watching as Ben's horror escalated, causing him to glitch and cover his mouth. The emotions pulsing through their blood bond were a cocktail of negativity, matching Ben's outward appearance.

Jake was absolutely the wrong assassination target - in Kerr's opinion - and he was confident that the vile dark angel was the least competent assassin he'd ever met, so Kerr was largely unfazed by the conversation from a city-wide standpoint. Saraekiel couldn't effectively run a district. There was no way he'd penetrate Jake's defences (though Kerr wasn't compelled to warn his friend, either, because then Ben's involvement might come to light sooner and he wasn't having that) to get to him.

If he did somehow get lucky... Kerr would cross that bridge when he came to it, because then they'd have to worry about that fucking winged cunt having the ring. That would be a whole new ball of shit to gag on. It caused his mouth to compress and the sneer to return to his face as he thought of that eventuality coming to pass.

The clear problem here was Ben... Ben being so broken and bitter that he'd foolishly engaged a buffoon in a fool's errand that would be traced straight back to him. Ben being so bitter he'd felt the need to attempt to end Jake's life. It was definitely not a rational consequence but Kerr was reassured by his love's reaction at the moment. Now he looked ready to throw up, all because Kerr had said bluntly that he'd set in motion events that could cause Jake to die. Of course, the fact that he'd asked fucking Saraekiel to do the deed also showed he probably wasn't all that serious.

If he'd been serious, he'd have gone to Digital. He was clearly enchanted with the idea of Jake's death, though. Kerr could relate to the ideal of wanting your enemy to die horribly.

"...would help him hopefully kill Jake in the day time when he's most vulnerable," Kerr finished for Ben, nodding again. "Does Jake deserve to die because he beat you in an election, Ben?" he asked, schooling his voice to betray only curiosity and hide his many other feelings on the matter.

[Trillian]

The retort landed correctly but Ben was not moved. "He threatened my life when I was a nobody and had done nothing wrong to him. He hates me with a dangerous jealousy because I have you and I'm smarter than him. He's mentally unstable, he's a despot and a warmonger. Look at the people he surrounds himself with. I might have sex with Saraekiel but I wouldn't put him in charge of security or diplomacy. At one point Jake will come after me, I don't need Digital's visions for that." He had no idea that Kerr had thought of the Malkavian just now, though perhaps their blood bond had tinged his thoughts somewhat. "And I didn't arrange for his death but I also didn't arrange for Halen's death either. I just got lucky."

He didn't know if he meant that last tidbit or not. He felt like he did. There was satisfaction in saying it. Halen had ruined him by enslaving him to a vampire sadist. The first but not the last. It seemed sadism and vampirism had a high correlation in the supernatural community.

"All I did was pass on information from a book that's in my possession. Jake is a fool to think I would keep that knowledge to myself." He stood because he wanted to walk away, except he didn't want to turn his back on Kerr or end the conversation before he had a chance to respond. "If Saraekiel is successful it won't be because he thought how to do it."

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr took the time to weigh Ben's excuses on their merits. They all amounted to the same thing, which mildly disturbed Kerr: Ben had made the decision that he could be responsible for taking lives. Not directly but it amounted to the same thing. That was the way Ben would see it (and although Kerr's view was somewhat different, Ben's opinion was the one that mattered). Part of him wept for his fragile love but he wasn't sure there was any point to that. It was done now.

His real concern were the ripples that could ebb outward and drown Ben because he didn't trust Saraekiel as far as he could spit and he thought his beloved was a fucking moron to have chosen in kind. He snorted derisively at Ben's final statement. "If Saraekiel is successful I'll walk naked through the city at midnight. It'd take a fucking miracle for that fuckwit to take any sort of useful action, he couldn't find a diamond in a jewellery store," Kerr sneered. "If I wasn't terrified that you've just stupidly brought Jake's vengeance upon you full throttle, I'd warn him in the hope that they'd kill each other and then you and I would both be happy," he sniggered cruelly, images of Saraekiel's guts strung around his neck in glistening red knots dancing in his mind once more.

The laughter stopped abruptly and he glared at Ben, shaking his head in disappointment. "You're a fucking idiot to trust that evil psychopath. Jesus fucking Christ, Ben. Going after Jake? What the fuck have you done?" he whispered hollowly, his expression falling into something aghast as he looked at his stupid, stupid fledgeling.

[Trillian]

Ben's anger compounded with Kerr's dogged insistence that what Ben had done was stupid. He'd thought there would be an argument about morality, but stupidity? His eyes narrowed at Kerr.

"Don't be so fucking obtuse. Saraekiel has been after Jake from the get-go. Their battle has nothing to do with me. All I did was hand over information that would give Rae's attack a little more surprise. And what vengeance would Jake rain down on me, exactly? Vengeance for tattling about what his fucking ring does?" The next comment came out with enunciated pauses in between where he punched his fist into his open palm with each word. "I've, done, nothing, technically, wrong."

Except I let him fuck me, and that's what's really bothering you. The thought was more abstract than a sentence, and there was no way Ben was sending that down the line.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's face twisted with repulsion again and he found himself able to concentrate on only one thing Ben had said.

"Rae," he sneered, voice dripping with mockery. His stomach clenched again but he fought it off, settling for shaking his head as he glared down at his fists, his jaw ticking he bit into his tongue stud.

Ben had looked ready to walk out just before and Kerr rather hoped it happened now. It might make this fucking mess hurt less.

[Trillian]

Oh no.

He didn't remember saying 'Rae' in Kerr's presence and he'd slipped up badly for it to come out at all. That was his private name for the dark angel and to hear it sneered back at him before Kerr glared down at his lap gave Ben the pause he sorely needed.

He hadn't stepped away from the couch so it didn't take much for him to sink back down onto the cushion again. After watching Kerr battle with the knowledge of an intimate name of a being he despised, Ben lowered his own gaze to the floor, looking at but not really seeing the spiral of two similar colours interwoven into every fibre of the carpet beneath his feet.

After a long pause, he admitted something new with quiet words. "I know I'm walking a dangerous path. It just felt... liberating."