The Despoiler

[Trillian]

BEN AWOKE THE NEXT NIGHT in the Capital Building apartment that currently belonged to Ichabod. His memories of this place were the first genuine ones he had of living with Kerr, after returning from New York. Most everything else was a confused mess or movie-memories.

He'd left the Luminary with just the clothes on his back and his phone. He ended up shopping for a few casual outfits so he could change into one of them the next night and not need to go back. He wasn't sure if he would or not. Every now and then he checked his phone even though he knew there was no message waiting for him, in case Kerr was typing one and he would be able to tell from the three expectant dots. There never were any.

Letting himself into the apartment was easier than expected. The staff recognised him so they weren't alarmed when he walked through the lobby and headed for the elevators, and even though he didn't have a keycard anymore because it was Ichabod's place, he managed to mentally unlock the door. It was a new achievement for him, something that he hadn't been specifically training for though he had been working on his telekinesis since he was over ten years a vampire. It was bittersweet that he would have success that he couldn't share. He let himself into the apartment, smelling the mustiness of no air movement.

The first thing he did was turn on the air conditioning. The second thing he did was trash the place.

He'd spoken to Kerr about liberation but now he felt truly liberated as he ripped kitchen cupboard doors off their hinges and smashed whatever he could find with them until they splintered in his hands. The more he destroyed, the more satisfied he felt. It was better than the hollow emptiness so he just kept going. Couch cushions were picked up and ripped in half. Coffee tables were stomped on and cracked, collapsing onto the floor. Paintings and pictures were smashed over furniture that was then ripped apart with his bare hands. He moved from room to room, destroying everything that he could.

Only the guest room survived, and by the time he got there, he needed a drink. Using Lovebite, he ordered himself a mortal and met him in the lobby. He was recognised him but of course he was. There was no question of trust, the mortal was keen to have Ben drink from him. Ben's posters had been everywhere and the guy said he'd voted for him and was sad he'd lost. Ben said nothing and took him upstairs to Ichabod's destroyed apartment. The guy talked the whole way there but thankfully shut the hell up when he saw the place. After being taken into the guest room Ben drank from him and discovered his 'surprise sweet' was a zen. When the guy came around, he apologised for not being more exciting and offered a blow. Ben accepted but was mostly bored until he came. The mortal was sent on his way and Ben collapsed onto the bed, invigorated by the blood but he went to sleep early and then the sun came up an hour later, putting him into deeper rest.

The first thing he did when he woke up once the sun went down, was to check his phone for messages. There were some work related ones but he scrolled through them for anything from Kerr.

[Existentially Odd]

Ben had received a single text message from Kerr. It had come through just as the sun rose over the city that morning.

I love you. I miss you.

It was hardly complicated but the process he'd gone through to get to those six fucking words had been.

Kerr had spent the rest of the night licking his wounds, rehashing all of Ben's words, cuddling Cain in an effort to make himself feel better. It didn't work, though. Cain was an inadequate substitute for the amazing, complex, destructive man Kerr really wanted to be holding - well, he did and he didn't. With his mere presence, Ben comforted Kerr in ways that no other creature ever could but he definitely couldn't stomach the thought of touching his lover after Saraekiel had been near him. It narrowed the distance between he and the evil filth far too much for Kerr's liking, making his skin burn and his gut heave as if he were human.

Part of him wished they could be less complicated. And monogamous. But it was a very small and selfish part because he knew it would also kill Ben and make him less of what Kerr loved. This was his problem because he despised the one creature Ben was most attracted to - besides him. That qualifier was very important and, on a logical level, Kerr knew that but he couldn't stop his fragility over it. He despised the cretin with every fibre of his being and Ben didn't give a flying fuck. He couldn't care less about Kerr's view regarding his disloyal, disrespectful, disappointing return to the creature's side.

It was hard for him to believe Ben loved him when he chose to repeatedly hurt him like this. It had been the entire reason he'd felt so astoundingly guilty about Cain and walked out on him. He hadn't known how much he'd been hurting Ben with Cain and he'd been horrified enough to bolt in apology. Ben knew exactly how much he hurt Kerr with Rae and he did it anyway. Worse; he fucked him, capitalised on the opportunity by pretending he'd done some sort of magical business negotiation and then tried to rationalise his offensive actions by attempting to force Kerr to say he wouldn't be bothered by the evil cunt coming between them.

Kerr spent the better part of the night railing at Ben in his head, repeatedly expressing his fury and absolute mortification regarding his offensiveness. He tried to tell himself it had something to do with Ben's feelings about the election loss but he didn't believe it. It was just Ben being a selfish prick, stabbing him in the heart and then, effectively, yelling at him for feeling hurt by the metaphorical knife sticking out of him. There'd been quite a lot of 'fuck Ben' thoughts that'd only calmed down when he'd started convincing himself that leaving had been the right idea all along.

It had been the cold splash of realisation he'd needed because he knew that wasn't true. This night of agony was nothing compared to what he'd suffered half a country away from Ben. He wouldn't willingly go through that torture again for anything. Once his love for Ben had overcome his hatred for Saraekiel, Kerr's thoughts had evened out and his horror had abated. Then he'd just been left with an empty bed and even emptier arms with daylight fast approaching so he'd sent Ben his message. In that moment, the words had held a poignancy so sharp there'd been tears and a dull ache that'd throbbed in every joint in his body as he had surrendered to a fitful sleep.

When he woke up, he looked at his phone and lamented the fact that he hadn't even used an emoji. He should've put a heart after it. He still felt fragile and drained by the strength of the emotions Ben forced him to work through but he wanted to see his love. He'd hated sleeping alone. Though he doubted he'd have spent the day with him if Ben had come home (because Saraekiel germs... ugh), having him in a bed closer by would've soothed Kerr's anxiety. His fledge hadn't been far away, though. Just the exact distance his other fledge usually was, so he'd known he was safe, at least.

After a quick shower, Kerr pulled on jeans and a black T-shirt. Conceding that he should also wear something on his feet so he didn't look completely like a vagabond, he pulled on socks and black boots before grabbing his phone and all the keys he'd need and heading out. The Capital was a quick run away and he arrived on the penultimate floor twenty minutes after the sun had finally yielded the sky. He used his key to let him into Cub's apartment, managing to close the door behind him before the destruction registered. His mouth fell open and his body went rigid as his gaze flowed back and forth around the open space, silently cataloguing every broken bit of furniture, destroyed cabinetry and malicious damage done to a place he still felt was a home.

Pain constricted Kerr's heart and he could no longer fight the tears as he absorbed Ben's cruelty. He gaped and sobbed and wondered what the fuck this meant now. A distant part of his mind considered the fact that neither of them could catch a break, it seemed, but why the fuck were they taking it out on each other? He couldn't come up with a reasonable answer as he boggled at the wreckage surrounding him, crying like a distraught child.

[Trillian]

Ben wrote a text message back, spending ten minutes over whether to add anything extra to the four tiny yet powerful words on his screen. He didn't add anything and just sent them as they were.

I love you too

He tossed his phone onto the mattress beside him and used the guest bathroom which had also survived his chaos. The two rooms were his islands of peace amidst the destruction that he'd caused. A fitting metaphor for the bigger picture.

He was in the shower, hot water streaming over his body when Kerr arrived without his knowledge. Ben already wasn't feeling great but the blood bond with his sire echoed in him, compounding his feelings of sadness and helplessness. As Kerr cried in the entryway, Ben cried in the shower. Even though he thought he was alone, he stifled his sobs with his hand.

It took him a few minutes to get himself under control because he fought for it, forced to mentally isolate himself before he could do it. Once he was expressionless and emotionless again, he shut off the water and towelled himself dry, moving back into the bedroom and putting on his new clothes. He was pulling on his pants when he realised that Kerr's presence was a lot stronger than it should be with him at the Luminary. Ben had thought he'd been focussing on it in the shower but no, Kerr was here, he could feel it as a physical thing.

He was here, here.

Finishing getting dressed speedily and knowing what Kerr was looking at, Ben shoved his feet into his shoes before walking out and down the corridor bare of the pictures that used to hang on their walls. His shoes crunched over the glass that used to shield the photos from dust.

He stepped out into the main area and stopped when he saw Kerr. His silvery blue eyes were fixed on his sire's face as he waited for Kerr to comment on the apartment that was the first true memory of Ben living with him before Kerr gave it away to his insipid, uninspired, judgmental and condemning fledge.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr had barely ventured into the apartment, his feet shuffling through detritus in one direction before he retreated and tried another, heartbroken by the pieces of his life he was walking through. It was only stuff, he told himself. Things. Sure, they were things he'd chosen with Ben, as this had been their first real home together but they had better things now. It was just...

His gaze shifted to Ben's face as he approached, Kerr's expression less teary but still crumpled with sadness. They stared at each other for a moment and when Kerr spoke, his voice was heavy and thick. "Why?" he asked. It wasn't a throwaway question, or rhetorical. He really needed to know why Ben had done this. He had many hurtful theories but he wouldn't entertain them until Ben had his chance to explain.

[Trillian]

There were a lot of reasons why but it would only give Kerr ammunition with which to attack him, a specific way to tell Ben how stupid or selfish he was being, one that would cut him to his heart.

He shrugged while keeping a wary gaze on Kerr, anticipating he would be reamed out all over again. He supposed he'd collect himself a lecture on destroying Ichabod's apartment. It wasn't even close to the destruction his fledge-brother had unleashed upon their relationship.

They'd been happy for a while. Kerr had been his absolute happiest with Ben and Cain. Now Cain's existence was just an ugly reminder of what had once been. Ichabod and his judgmental bullshit, like the only right way to have a relationship was his way.

Ben's hands clenched into fists but otherwise he seemed undisturbed.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr's pained gaze drifted over Ben, waiting for the explanation that never came, focussing on those fists and the calculation in Ben's beautiful eyes. He was so fucking hard, he was a glittery diamond; beautiful, multifaceted and unscratchable. Kerr was afraid he was going to get cut on his edges if something didn't shift soon but he had no idea how to go about it.

Tenderness and understanding had got him laid but that was about all. He hadn't been allowed in. The horrific knowledge that Saraekiel might've got closer, with his evil wheeling and dealing had haunted Kerr all the night before and had made the situation worse. Now he was surrounded by the ruins of many things he'd loved and he was being forcibly ignored. It was overwhelming.

Despairing, Kerr sank into a cross-legged heap where he'd stood. There weren't any chairs to sit on anyway, and one semi-clear space on the carpet was as good as the rest. His expression was sad, defeat lurking at the edge of his eyes. "I don't understand you," he confessed, giving up the charade of strength he'd been projecting in order to convince Ben everything was going to be alright. Apparently, it wasn't and the sooner he buckled up and accepted that, the better it would be for everyone.

His gaze drifted with his thoughts, sliding over to take in the chaos around him once once more. "I mean... was this to get back at me, at Ichabod or yourself? Did it make you feel better to tear everything apart because you still want to see the city burn? Or was it because y-you know I loved this place and you just wanted to take it away from me?" he asked, his voice cracking when he stuttered.

The Saraekiel bullshit hovering between them had been covered with 'get back at me' but destroying something he loved on purpose was different. It was still targeted but it attacked a place that should've been safe from the fires raging here and now. If Ben's destruction was about obliterating the past, nothing between them was sacred anymore and he'd been cast adrift.

[Trillian]

Ben was about to answer one of Kerr's questions - about watching the city burn. He opened his mouth to explain some of what he was feeling when the last question shut him up. The questions weren't there to be answered, they were there as accusations.

He looked away, out the windows to the city. He wondered if Kerr would notice or care that Ben was wearing brand new clothes. It would show that when he'd gone out he'd not intended on returning to the Luminary. He'd thought that would become a point of discussion once the vandalism was addressed.

"I didn't take anything from you, Kerr. You gave this place away. It's not ours, or yours. It's his and he doesn't even want it. You mourn these things that I destroy but you let him destroy what we had and you don't even blame him for it. You even continue to honour the damage he caused us. You hate on Saraekiel because you say he's useless and vile and yet you hold a torch for and change your behaviour over a fledgling who covers up his social bias with righteousness."

Ben delivered his words with only a hint of the bitterness that he felt coiling up inside of him. He looked away from the windows and spoke the rest of his words directly to Kerr.

"He's more important to you than Cain. He's more important to you than me. You decided that Ichabod was right when he said what we were doing was wrong, never mind that you were actually happy with Cain and I sharing your bed. And now I think you're pushing Cain away because you want me to push Saraekiel away, to show me how much better than me you are because you have willpower, you don't give into that lust. But all I can think is how often have you felt that way about anyone, over your hundreds of years of life? Because I've certainly never had that intense physical reaction for anybody and I've never even heard you mention feeling that way about anyone except for Cain. But you would let other people ruin you, and you talk to me about corruption?"

Ben laughed humourlessly. "Ichabod screwed you way worse than Saraekiel could ever do to me."

[Existentially Odd]

As Ben spoke, slandering Ichabod, Kerr got his answer after all. He blinked, surprised (though he really shouldn't be, by now) by the venom in Ben's voice. He was pinning all this on Cub, then. He'd destroyed Cub's apartment because Ichabod had destroyed their arrangement with Cain? And Kerr had no free will so none of that was his fault? Interesting.

When Ben accused that Cub was more important than him, Kerr's hanging head snapped up and his eyes narrowed at his partner. Any confused amusement still lingering seeped out of him. Did he actually believe Ichabod was the most important person to him? Was he that insecure? The ensuing words made Kerr's lips part in stupefaction once more because yes, it seemed it was true.

Kerr was fretting that Ben's heart and spirit were broken by his election loss and Ben was worried who Kerr was fucking. It couldn't be that simple but he'd go with it for the time being, see where it led him. He rose to his feet and strode over to Ben, cupping his face in both hands and holding it so that his fledge was forced to look into his eyes. The familiar thrill of touching Ben tingled briefly across his palms and he felt the impact of looking into his eyes all the way down to his groin. He wondered how his love could be so blind as to ignore signs as blatant as these but supposed he mightn't feel them. That would be a travesty.

"Jesus Christ," he ground out impatiently, "just let me love you, would you? Yes, I've been alive for four hundred years. There've been scores of people I've felt that blind physical/chemical reaction to over that long, I'm not a fucking statue. I haven't talked about them because none of them mattered enough to even remember but that doesn't mean they didn't exist. Cain's just the only one in your lifetime, besides you. I do not love Ichabod more than you! More important than any of that physical bullshit is love and I've only ever felt that twice - once as a child when it hardly counted and with you," he asserted gruffly, his thumbs swiping the soft skin either side of Ben's mouth gently.

"I'm not playing mind games with you regarding Cain. Sure, Ichabod threw me with his condemnation of our relationship and it definitely unsettled me for a while there but that was ages ago. I'm over it now. I save myself for you just because I want to. Yes, I want you to never go near Saraekiel again because I have nothing but hatred and derision for him in my fucking soul and you don't care because he makes you tingly but I swear I'm not staying away from Cain to lord it over you. Fuck!" he exclaimed, releasing Ben's face and shaking his head reprovingly at him.

"It's really very simple so can we just move on from this to how you're really feeling? Because that's all that matters to me. I hate Saraekiel, I love Ichabod, I like Cain, I'm in love with you. I enjoy Cain and others in bed but right now my focus is just you because you're my absolute favourite and my soulmate. Got it?" he demanded, hands curled around his hips and his expression stern.

[Trillian]

He was so, so angry when Kerr forced his face. He tried to get away but couldn't without any real struggle (which he didn't want to do) and so held onto Kerr's wrists and glared at him while the delivery was given to him.

Yes. Yes, Kerr saw through Ben's words and something inside him was relieved and it mewled and crumpled and his rage was gone. Not the anger, because he was still that, but the mindless, sightless, blind red rage that coloured everything he looked at.

He took in a shaking breath once Kerr finished his part of the conversation. He felt weak but he also felt invigorated.

"Everything's changed," he said. "Not us," he added, not wanting Kerr to think Ben was talking about their relationship again. "My world. My understanding of the world. I have to... I have to reset and it's hard. It's hard to do."

He sighed, but continued. "I thought it could be fair. The Oligarchy wasn't perfect but they were heading in the right direction. But nobody else sees it my way except maybe you. I know I had half the city's votes but not all of them shared my vision. A lot of them were bought by the carnival and a promise of a new entertainment complex. It had nothing to do with justice or fairness. I wanted to prove I wasn't a joke but everything I stood for, it was a fucking fairytale. Humans are violent, territorial creatures that need little excuse to hate others. And supernaturals, they're even more violent and have every excuse to hate others. There is no system that can control them."

He huffed his incredulity at himself. "This world that I'm a part of, the layer that was peeled back when you sired me, this world is a melting pot and nothing can stop it from boiling over. There's too much chaos in it already. The only thing that can be controlled is our own existence or destruction of others." Ben gave Kerr a sorrowful look. "And I didn't want to believe that but the more I accept it the more this world makes sense to me. I... I'm no longer an idealist."

It was hard to know what he was now.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr nodded as Ben finally spoke, his head bobbing because Kerr needed to acknowledge that he was listening to him without interrupting with his voice. He relished being let into Ben's thoughts and he treasured his tone. It wasn't aggressive or accusatory, it was bewildered and honest and raw in a way that made Kerr love him anew. His vulnerable expression as his words drew to a close tugged on Kerr's heart and drew him closer to press his lips against Ben's forehead before he pulled back with a sympathetic half-smile.

"Realists still have dreams, sweetheart," he reassured huskily, "it hasn't all disappeared from inside you. And it's okay to find this hard. That's what I was trying to tell you the other night - not that if we left you'd be running away but that if you took a break, you'd be embracing your new timeline. There's no need to hurl yourself into anything, no rush to define yourself. You owe no-one anything and just because you were twenty-seven votes away from making everybody's life better but were denied, doesn't mean you don't have anything left to offer. You still have the future. You'll get there. Take as long as you need and stop fucking punishing yourself."

He reached forward with his left hand and wrapped his fingers loosely around Ben's right, not holding his hand properly so much as needing to touch him and doing so uncertainly. "It's next to impossible to get in between you and your emotions," he smiled sadly, not pointing out that he'd done his best, with the usual results - getting caught in the crossfire and earning Ben's ire aimed at him instead.

[Trillian]

To call him a realist made Kerr an optimist, Ben thought. He felt like a cynic. He felt like he'd changed overnight and he was still coming to terms with his new skin. How many transformations had Kerr seen him through? What kept him around?

Love.

Of course it was the same for Ben. He loved Kerr so intensely that he sometimes couldn't bear to be near him. Was that a thing? Perhaps that was his thing. It was messed up, is what it was.

"You don't have to keep trying. You could've waited me out," Ben said, thinking it would've hurt less for Kerr if he'd done so. Of course there was the risk that he could've made a very poor decision, but according to Kerr he already had. Having sex with Saraekiel didn't risk him or his life, though. And he'd provided blanket cover for Kerr as well. And...

...and he didn't want to say so, but he liked playing with the dark flame of destruction that was Saraekiel. He was attracted to the danger of him almost as much as he was attracted to him. He'd wanted to lock Saraekiel up in the werewolf cell and keep him captive... just for a minute... before opening the door and joining him in the room. Saraekiel hadn't let him get that far. If he had, there was a good chance that Ben would be more intrigued by him than he already was. There was no leap of faith though, no show of trust. Saraekiel would only ever be a physical indulgence.

"I like punishment, though. I must."

Because he kept going back to it. Sado-masochist.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr wished he could trust Ben not to self-destruct long enough to feel comfortable waiting him out. It'd only taken him one night to find his way back to Kerr's nemesis and light up that motherfucking personal relationship bomb. Selfish little prick. Letting him roam, angry and unsupervised wasn't wise.

"Yeah, well, just for the record, it's not my thing," Kerr said softly, back to picturing Ben fucking Saraekiel and feeling the awful mix of physical revulsion and gut-twisting despair dipped in hatred rip through him. Fuck, he wished he could do something to compel him away from that cunt. Charon came to mind and he wondered if that was a fair and kind partner type action to contemplate. He knew it wasn't.

His gaze slid from internal images of Ben and the dark moron to the destruction surrounding him. Ben had really figured out a lot of ways to punish him this time and resentment rose because the fucker wasn't even sorry. He sighed, dropping Ben's hand and craving being alone again. Ben was just a lot.

[Trillian]

The release of his hand said more to him than Kerr's words. Ben was appalled that Kerr had made trashing this place about him as if Ben had been picturing his face or something as he'd released the rage inside of him. Was Kerr taking Ben's crisis of faith as a personal vendetta against him?

"Just go home, Kerr," Ben said softly. "Enjoy Cain's company, or don't enjoy it as you prefer. I'll come back when I'm done."

[Existentially Odd]

Being told to go sparked a rebellious instinct in Kerr that had him gently shaking his head even as he shuffled around Ben to stand at his back. He’d come because he wanted to understand, because of their love, because he wanted to help. Leaving wouldn’t do that and the fact that Ben implied he wasn’t ‘done’ yet terrified him.

He’d let him go out alone last night and he’d fucked Saraekiel, told him how to kill Jake and completely destroyed Ichabod’s home. If there was one thing he did understand in all this turmoil, it was that Ben shouldn’t be left alone to make his own decisions.

Intending to embrace him from behind - it was how they found themselves fitted together every evening when they awoke and something primal and scared in Kerr craved that to start tonight over again (even more than he wanted to be alone so he could pretend things weren’t as hard as they were) - Kerr touched Ben’s stomach, his wrist, his hip as he moved. All of these were signals of his intended destination though they were unconscious. Still, they gave Ben the opportunity to turn with him or step away before he pressed his front completely against Ben’s back, wound his arms around his waist, rested his chin on Ben’s shoulder and held him as close as he could possibly get.

“Done doing what? I mean... did this help?” he asked, meaning the destruction of the apartment “I want to help you but I don’t know how,” he admitted softly. It was a plea but one he didn’t expect would be answered. Not because Ben was being an asshole but because his words had helped Kerr realise that even he didn’t know how to help himself. They were both finding their way blindly through this darkness. The least he could do was ensure Ben didn’t have to be in there alone, no matter how much it hurt.

[Trillian]

Ben allowed Kerr to hold him from behind; the touches and signals were well-received and he held his ground and then melted into Kerr's hold, taking comfort in the familiarity. His words dismissed his lover, sire, partner... but his actions showed that he welcomed Kerr's presence.

"It helped at the time," Ben said quietly, eyeing the destruction before him. He held Kerr's arms around him, wrapping his own arms over his sire's to keep them in place. "Now it infuriates me. While I was tearing it apart I mourned that it was my first real memory of living with you but it made me angry that it no longer belonged to me now, to us. Destroying it felt right, like I was taking apart a lie. The city feels that way to me now, like lies. I want to leave because it feels wrong but I also want to stay so I can confront it. I figured if I stayed long enough, I could tie everything off for myself and also wait until I could no longer stand it. That way I won't analyse whether or not I left too soon."