The Penumbral; Ritual of the Earth

[Trillian]

Confusion was rampant, because all of the memories Jack owned were of people calling him and referring to him as Ben.  Luckily he had his own memories to draw from, but they circled around Kerr just as tightly.  Especially the beachhouse visit, which was the most memorable, and the way they\'d got together at the Oligarchy chambers, in one of the rooms.  It had been a heated exchange; though because the last time they\'d been truly intimate was with Kerr referring to him as Jack, he felt less bewilderment at the name change.

"Ben is Ben and I am me," he said after a great deal of considering his words, weighing them and debating whether he would say them or not.  "We look the same but we\'re not the same, because I\'m the one who loves you.  It\'s not fair to push me away."

It wasn\'t fair for Kerr to snatch Ben out of the ground either, but it wasn\'t Samuel\'s place to say such a thing to him in front of Kerr.  He\'d been reprimanded for that, but discussion had turned to a more important thing; the situation of Ben.

[Existentially Odd]

The hard truth of it, stated so blatantly, caused Kerr\'s heart to cringe and his jaw to set.  Aye, and therin lies the rub, he thought to himself.  Ben liked him at best; Jack loved him... and Kerr had yet to figure out how he felt.  Love for Ben, affection for Jack, that much was clear, but the love was misplaced and no longer returned whereas he was loved by Jack and thought he might be able to love him back... once he got to know him.  Maybe.
 
It was hard to know for sure and Kerr was really beyond predictions of the future at that particular moment.  A line from a song ran errantly through his head and brought a grim twist to his lips as he stared at Jack with glittering brown eyes.
 
If you can\'t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you\'re with.
 
"Okay," he said softly, "I won\'t push you away.  How do you want to do this?"  By \'this\' he meant everything; travelling back to the city, living arrangements when they got there... sleeping arrangements, even.  He wanted to know what Jack\'s thoughts on it all were.

[Trillian]

Jack considered Kerr\'s words, then mused on the matter for a moment, reaching for his lower lip and tugging on it before rubbing his nose and then gazing at Kerr, his hands finally resting on his lap.

"There\'s a tourist drive that starts from here," he said, gesturing at the brochures that he\'d been flipping through, found in a folder much like the one Ben had found in order to discover the year.  A couple were upon the coffee table now, discarded but not ignored.  "We can do something quiet and relaxing, where we can talk, uninterrupted.  A neutral place for me and you."  He smiled just thinking about it.  "It\'ll be fun."

[Existentially Odd]

"You want to take a holiday?" he asked Jack disbelievingly, not quite seeing the relevance of such a thing.  He would have a hard time having fun when he felt obligated to return to work.  "What about Ben and Sam?"  It seemed likely that Jack would have a preference about whether the other two attended this tourist stroll or not.

[Trillian]

Jack was dismissive.

"I\'m sure Ben will need the mental time before plunging himself into city life again, and Sam seems happy enough to go with the flow."  Jack\'s flow, that was.  Anything Jack decided was the plan, Sam would be there to instigate it, and happily.

"It\'s not a holiday, really," he defended belatedly, after Kerr stared at him for a moment longer.  "It\'s a neutral place," he repeated, trying to get his point across because the vampire wasn\'t getting it.  "So we can talk and get ourselves straight without..."

He felt the presence of the witch nearby and something in him stirred.  It was enough to give him pause, which was ironic, considering the word he was about to say next.

"Interruptions."

[Existentially Odd]

"Mmm," Kerr considered, not paying enough attention to notice the hesitation coming from the mortal.  His focus was turned inward, regarding the squirming, reluctant feelings presiding at the thought of taking time out to accomplish something that he believed would happen of its own accord, when it was right.

"But I have to get back to work and I think this is all going to sort itself out in its own time anyway whether we\'re alone, together or apart.  It\'s about the time needed, rather than the location," he said persuasively, his voice sliding along different words with smooth emphasis.  He raised his eyebrows at the end, entreating Jack\'s agreement.

[Trillian]

Jack was disappointed and it was obvious in his face.  Kerr wasn\'t wanting to spend time here, with him alone, and it felt like a strong rejection.  He wanted to plead his case some more but knew it was futile.  However, he couldn\'t help but voice a desire.

"I\'ve never been out here before," he said quietly.  "It\'s beautiful and peaceful.  It\'ll be a shame not to linger.  I wouldn\'t want to experience this alone, though.  It won\'t be the same without you."

He held Kerr\'s gaze, wondering if his statements which were not a plea would do the trick regardless.  Asking wasn\'t going to win Kerr over, perhaps the honest truth was.  Jack wanted to stay. These were his reasons for wanting to stay.  But if Kerr wasn\'t going to stay, there was no point.

[Existentially Odd]

"Well, of course not, you spent all of your other incarnations in Europe, didn\'t you?" Kerr muttered, feeling testy because he was being guilted into doing something he didn\'t think he should do and didn\'t particularly want to, either.

It felt like the sooner they all got back to the city, the sooner reality would set in and he could start properly coping with what had happened; he could crawl into a familiar bed (or coffin) and cry himself to sleep for a few days before he had to face the world properly.

Meandering away on a trip - as nice as it might be - only delayed the inevitable and the mere thought of it made him impatient.  The words that he said were another delaying mechanism; something to say while he took a second to actually think this through.

[Trillian]

This time Jack said nothing further.  He shifted on the sofa, as though how he was sitting was uncomfortable.  He sat a little further back on the cushion, the small of his back against the cushioned back and allowed himself to sink into it, staring at the vampire who he remembered as his sire but wasn\'t, because he wasn\'t a vampire.

If Kerr felt guilt, then it was a reflection of him.  Jack didn\'t feel as though he was particularly setting out to make Kerr feel bad - to him it was more the point of letting Kerr know what he wanted so that they could both make an informed choice.  Short of saying no outright, there was no way to deter Jack.  Things had to be clear for him, for he was a straightforward being.  Despite his memories - artificially grazed from Ben or not - he was still Jack at the core, and the Earth didn\'t have two faces.  It was what it was, and he was who he was, and there were no secrets or mysteries or deception.  There was only time.  Ironically, Jack didn\'t have it - not in the lifetime he knew now.