Jagged

[Existentially Odd]

Owen had never felt so utterly helpless as he did in that moment, watching Vincent, his steady, certain rock, stumbling blindly around like a newling released into the night.  He'd felt something close, years ago, when his girlfriend had cheated on him but they'd been the experiences of a child and didn't compare to this.  This was terrorism to his soul, watching his sire fall apart before his very eyes, because of him.

He wished, in that moment, that he could be forgiving.  He wished for everything inside him to just be... reset, like a watch that was showing the wrong time and needed a quick fix.  He wished he could hold Vincent and tell him everything would be alright... but the moment he envisioned touching his sire, folding him in his arms, that hatred and anger bloomed in him again.  And he was back to resenting and wishing he'd never been found, never been chosen, never been the plasticine beneath Karen and Vincent's hands.

Somehow, Vincent pulled himself together and Owen found that taking a breath and releasing it actually helped, too.  He wiped his eyes and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans, flinching as Vincent spoke mentally to him.  "Don't do that, please," he asked quietly, finding the invasion of his sire in his head too abrasive at that moment.  "Just... stick to talking out loud I... well, we'd better get started then.  Should we run?" he asked, referring to the fact that the car was so far away.

[Trillian]

"No," he said, because the request was made as a question.  If Owen wanted to run, then they would run, but he'd asked, so damned if Vincent was going to hurry Owen out of his life.  He would take every single second he could get - even if he could feel hatred thrumming along that line.  It was better than absence.

He began to walk, expecting Owen to fall into step with him.

[Existentially Odd]

They walked in silence for the most part, though Owen asked Vincent to wait at one stage as they passed a perfect opportunity for him to drink from a guy who'd walked in front of them and headed down an alleyway.  Using his charm ability, the guy was quietened and Owen held him against the wall, drinking from him in a perfunctory manner, finding it helped settle him.  Once the interlude was satisfactorily concluded and they were one their way again, Owen was far more himself, his thoughts clearer.

After a short while, he was ready to ask more questions - not because he wanted to upset Vincent again, but because he felt he needed to understand every aspect of this whole mess before he could move on from this debilitating pain.  "When we came back from our world trip and told my mo-Karen that we were a couple," he began, allowing a moment for Vincent to centre his thoughts on where Owen's were, "why was she so pissed?  Really?"  He had a suspicion, now, but he wanted Vincent to say it.

[Trillian]

He couldn't stop himself from feeling proud that Owen would be able to survive well without him.  It was a forlorn kind of pride, but he would much prefer Owen's independence than his needing to be coddled or protected by someone.  Vincent had never wanted to hold Owen back.

When the question came, it was the right kind of question and the right kind of time to ask it.

"There were several reasons," he admitted.  "The main one being she'd thought I'd taken advantage of you.  That you were seduced."

He wondered if he had seduced Owen, because of how things had turned out.  He'd drunk from him, and been very selfish afterward.  If Sabri hadn't expressed interest in bedding Owen, he doubted he would've claimed Owen's body as he had - he would've calmed the mortal down until he went to sleep.  But Sabri had been there, and he hadn't wanted to lose Owen, even then.

"She also didn't realise I had any sexual interest in men, so believed I'd misled her.  I'd told her I'd wanted a companion, that it was entirely platonic.  I'd never thought... I didn't believe at the time that it would turn out to be a lie."

[Existentially Odd]

Oddly, it settled the question for Owen and he believed Vincent (though there'd only been the barest of doubts that had arisen while he was listening to his story of the girls that came before him) had truly never sought out this kind of relationship for them.  He'd wanted a companion, purely and simply, a fledgling that he could spend his time with.  Owen resented that, though he knew it was a dead-end feeling because there was nothing he could do now about being chosen as the one who'd wear the mantle of companion for Vincent.  Whatever else there was between them, that couldn't be undone so he doubted he'd waste too much time lamenting it.

Frankly, he'd had more of a role in pursuing Vincent sexually than he'd been given credit for by Karen and his discovery last night didn't change that.  What needed to change was him.  Learning that he had a constructed identity infuriated him and that had only been reinforced by the fact that he'd had nowhere to go, no-one to turn to when he'd wanted to get away from Vincent.  He was nothing without his sire and the thought that the role was all he was was suffocating him.  Yes, he and Vincent were lovers but owen had always fretted over what he would bring to their relationship - it had nearly prevented it from happening, in fact.  Now he felt he was even less and it was unbearable to look at Vincent and feel that.  It was easier to be angry and resentful than inadequate, for that fear had always been inside him.

"When we met Leigh in England... she knew what I was, didn't she?  She knew I was your experiment?"

[Trillian]

Vincent balked at the terminology Owen used.

"You're not my experiment," he argued.  "I wasn't studying you and making notes."  He was angry that Owen would belittle their relationship in such a way.  "Leigh only ever resented me when I interfered with her choices.  Her choice not to go to school, her choice to pursue drugs and criminal activity, her choice to have sex while underage with men who were hundreds of years older," he said, still disappointed that she would want such things for herself.  "Otherwise she and I had a good relationship.  It had to end when she was sired by someone else, obviously.  I don't know what Leigh thought of you, but she assumed I was trying again with someone else.  Maybe she was jealous, I don't know."

[Existentially Odd]

Owen thought on Vincent's theories about Leigh first, curious about their relationship (and even a tad jealous, truth be told) and the choices she made.  "When did she find out... that she was supposed to be your fledgling/companion?" he asked quietly, wondering if the behaviours Vincent described her as having had resulted from her confusion over the truth.  It was odd, to think that someone else might have set a precedent and he was following in their footsteps but that's exactly what he was... another design from a blueprint Vincent had created.

He may not have been observing him and taking notes but Owen felt he was no less an experiment for that.  He was an unpredictable outcome based on previous scientific research and cumulative data, right?  The word wasn't pretty enough for Vincent to wear comfortably but Owen knew in his heart that it was exactly what he was.

[Trillian]

Vincent closed his eyes.  He continued to walk, but he didn't want to look at anything, and he slowed down a little because of it.

"She always knew."

He opened his eyes again, horrified to find they were leaking again.  He lowered his head, to try and hide his tears from Owen.  He thought his fledge would be furious.

[Existentially Odd]

Owen gave a short laugh, feeling hollow and sounding bitter, noting that Vincent was slowing down and hanging his head in shame so he slowed accordingly, glaring resentfully at his sire.  "Right.  So that method didn't work out and you changed tactics.  How about the next one?  When did she find out?  When you were on holiday overseas was it?  When she was fifteen?" he demanded, anger growing.  He couldn't remember the next one's name but figured Vincent would supply it for him.  It didn't matter if he didn't of course, because her name wasn't the point here, her being told about her past was.

Part of him knew he was being cruel to say these things to Vincent and he quailed from it, but it also satisfied the other, angry parts of him.  He was lost and hurt and although it had never been part of their relationship before, scoring points seemed to matter to him now, though he couldn't say why, exactly.  To prove how hurt he'd been, maybe.  He could tell from Vincent's reaction that he was winning this game, despite not knowing why he was playing it, yet it didn't make him feel better.  It made him hurt more, and there was a horrible, masochistic satisfaction in that that was as hungry to continue this cycle as he'd ever been for blood as a new vampire.  Perhaps it would make Vincent understand why they needed to be away from each other, now, because nothing good was coming from being together, any more.

[Trillian]

Owen's remarks were hitting his target directly, causing fresh pain to bloom in Vincent's chest and made it impossible for him to be rid of his tears.  He hadn't known he was still able to cry them.  It was knowledge he would've preferred being ignorant of.  He looked up, even though he hadn't wanted to show Owen his face, just so he could appeal to his lover.

"I don't deal well with loneliness.  I'm not built that way.  I just wanted..." he took a moment to stop himself from crumpling again when he felt the emotions suffocating him again, causing his voice to break.  "I just wanted someone to be a part of my life," he pleaded.

If Owen smacked him down for that, he didn't know how he would cope.

[Existentially Odd]

Owen looked away, unable to look into Vincent's eyes and bear witness to his pain, even though he should be triumphing in it, he supposed.  But it was a bitter victory indeed, when the points scored harder on yourself than the one you were aiming at.

They remained that way for a while, Owen staring blindly at the city around them with nothing to say while Vincent got himself together.  The fledgling knew enough to relent now - about the others, anyway.  He still had questions about him but he wasn't sure Vincent was ready for them yet.  He wasn't sure he was, either.

Impatient with standing around, Owen soon sighed and took Vincent's hand.  "Come on," he encouraged stiffly, like a child needing to lead their invalid grandparent around the retirement home when they felt nothing but smothered by old people.  This time, he grabbed Vincent's left hand in his right and he heard their rings clink together thanks to his supernatural hearing.  It compelled him to show his sire a bit of kindness, for it reminded him of the part about them that couldn't be broken.

"You'll be alright," he said begrudgingly, tugging Vincent forward even though he wasn't sure of their destination.  "You'll always be my sire, you'll still have to train me.  You haven't lost me, I just... I told you, I need some time to work this all out," he scowled, his words brisk and resentful, despite their intention to reassure.

[Trillian]

It was what Vincent needed to hear.  Both Owen's words and the sound of the ring were testament to the fact he shouldn't lose faith, shouldn't stare into the abyss that didn't yet exist.  He knew he shouldn't allow his hopes to soar so high, either, but they did.  He was grateful and full of love for Owen, who'd offered him this morsel to treasure.  Things wouldn't be the same for a long time, but perhaps he would be forgiven and in time Owen would understand and they could be together once more, as they were.  It was silly, to dream of such things, but Vincent was a dreamer.

"Yes," he said breathily, eager to agree.  He squeezed Owen's hand lightly, confirming the willing presence of it, feeling Owen's ring against his finger whenever it pressed or shifted against his own ring.  He was still sad that it had come off Owen's finger, but at least it was still on his hand, instead of in his pocket, or in a bedside drawer, or in a city gutter.

They walked together until Vincent selected the next turn, heading for the car.  It was only a block away, now.

[Existentially Odd]

When they got to the car, Owen offered to drive again, uncertain about letting Vincent get behind the wheel in his fragile state.  To keep them safe, he wouldn't say anything to his sire on the drive, just in case it resulted in one of them sinking into the miasma of emotions they were both barely treading water over.  One slip could have them both drowning and there was a great difference between that happening on a sidewalk and while they were hurtling down a freeway at high speeds.

(Continued in 'When The Stars Fall')