Hidden Past, Unknown Future

[Existentially Odd]

Thankfully, the focus on the feeding dampened the physical reactions Kerr had been experiencing, but that breathy sigh of his name and the holding of his ass caused a response anyway.  Ever the selfless partner, he encouraged Ichabod\'s pleasure by grinding softly against him, in time with his deep, luxuriating swallows.

As is inevitable, however, the pleasure needed to finish before Ichabod became too weak, and so Kerr eventually stopped the slow, sinuous grinding and drinking, biting his tongue and pressing it into the holes in the mortal\'s neck so that the wounds would heal over.  Once that was done, he pulled back so that he was able to peer down at Ichabod through heavy lids, a sexy half smile lifting his lips as he gazed at the bliss on the mortal\'s face.

"Maybe we should meet like this more often," he husked, moving his hips instinctively to describe one last, slow circle in the cradle of Ichabod\'s before he began moving away once and for all.  If he stayed where he was too long, the satisfaction of the feeding would fade and the blush of arousal would return and he felt it best to leave it as it was; warm, sensual and full of promise that was likely more sweet because it would never be realised.

With a chuckle, Kerr got to his feet and gazed approvingly down at his latest \'victim\' for a few moments before he held a hand out to help the boy up.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod’s eyes half opened again as he felt Kerr healing his neck, disappointed that it was ending after what didn’t seem nearly enough time, but he knew Kerr knew what he was doing and it was his own selfishness wanting more when he couldn’t for so many reasons. He gave Kerr a lopsided grin as the vampire pulled back, loving that look on his face. He was breathing heavily and focused on calming himself down as Kerr suggested they do it again, although that voice and Kerr’s final movement made it all the more difficult.

“I’d like that,” Ichabod murmured, wetting his lips slightly as he gazed up at Kerr. There were still a few months before he left, and if that was on offer then Ichabod would definitely make the trip back at weekends. Not too many though, he didn’t want to cause trouble for Kerr with Jack or Ben, and didn’t want to see Jack either so that would definitely limit it. Of course, that was all assuming Kerr actually meant what he was saying and wasn’t just trying to make him feel good… which wasn’t really necessary after that.

Ichabod’s head flopped back onto the pillows and he dropped his hand from Kerr’s hair as the vampire stood up and he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. God, he wanted so much to be taken home, like that night so long ago, but it just wasn’t going to happen and Ichabod wasn’t about to embarrass himself or Kerr by asking when he already knew the answer. But why bother lingering on that when what had just happened should be good enough for him and was already more than Ichabod had expected?

He grinned when he saw Kerr holding out a hand to help him up and he accepted, letting Kerr pull him to his feet with ease. He felt a little light headed, but no more than normal, and he knew that would fade quickly and was probably partly from standing up so quickly, but it was a good excuse to hold Kerr’s hand for a few more moments. Instinctively Ichabod stepped forwards and kissed Kerr once more, keeping it brief and chaste this time, trying to ignore how tight his jeans felt after that.

“I should probably go get some juice or something,” Ichabod said, stepping a more sensible distance away from Kerr and absentmindedly rubbing at the spot on his neck that had just been healed. That was something that he was amazed by, how vampires could heal, and make others heal so quickly. “Do you want to come or… go find Ben?” he asked, “I’ll be fine, if you do go,” he added quickly, not wanting Kerr to feel like he had to look after him.

[Existentially Odd]

"I\'ll go look for Ben," he answered, his words soft and dreamily delivered through a truly goofy smile.  The urge to follow Ichabod\'s mouth and recapture it for a longer kiss when he\'d delivered such a short one was a tantalising game in his head and he saw himself following through in more ways than just that.  He knew it couldn\'t happen but just imagining it brought about the dopey grin he wore nevertheless.

"I\'ll walk you to the stairs, though," he added, and tucked Ichabod\'s hand into the crook of his elbow while he briefly straightened his clothes and ran his free hand through his slightly tousled hair.  After that, it was just a matter of knowing when the mortal was ready and accompanying him out of the little almost-room.  There didn\'t seem anything else for him to say, it almost felt like he was (they were?) floating out towards the noise and flash of the club proper, the good feelings of their surprising little tryst suffusing him.

Kerr left Ichabod at the top of the stairs down to the refreshment basement with another soft kiss, his hand briefly cupping the mortal\'s cheek before he let him go.  He didn\'t say anything and, unless Ichabod did, he would walk away with a satisfied half smile lifting his lips and flights of fancy dancing in his head that only seemed to intensify the all-over glow of happiness he felt.  He had to be careful, he knew, to guard the full extent of this deliciousness from his fledgling, but Ben would know how good Kerr was feeling no matter what and even the harshness of the club itself couldn\'t wipe the smile off his face immediately.  Relying on his blood bond, he headed casually towards where he knew Ben was, not wanting to intrude but wanting to join him if it was at all possible.

[pinkroses]

“Okay,” Ichabod murmured, feeling a little disappointed, but it had been the replied he’d been expecting. He stayed close to Kerr though, running a hand through his own hair before they left the curtained room, holding the vampire’s solid arm. He felt alright, still buzzing from the encounter, but Kerr hadn’t drunk enough to make him feel too dizzy after that initial light headedness, he just liked holding onto him.

As Kerr kissed him again at the top of the stairs Ichabod felt himself leaning forwards, wanting it to continue, but managed to pull himself back, the dopy smile that had been on Kerr’s face transferring onto his own.

“See ya,” he said with a smile, trying to hide that desire, his head tilting to one side slightly as he stayed where he was, watching Kerr as he moved away, disappearing into the crowded club. A part of him wanted to call out and run after him, begging to be taken home with him, but Ichabod took a deep breath, steadying himself. Maybe another meeting like that wouldn’t be such a good idea, but as Ichabod turned to head down the stairs he was already pulling out his mobile to check he still had Kerr’s number. A satisfied grin crossed his face when he saw he did and he pocketed the mobile again as he made his way downstairs for some juice; after such a great night he didn’t want to mess it up by fainting on the way home.

[Trillian]

When he left the Risk back rooms, he looked pissed off.  There was a cold anger apparent in his gaze that he didn\'t realise was there.  He\'d calmly told himself how to resolve his situation but there were too many emotionally charged things that were pulling at him for him to be settled on the matter.  He thought he\'d been talking himself into a position where he could look after himself, but all he\'d really done was start the old merry-go-round again of questions and analysis of things he couldn\'t change and had no control over.  The past.  His past.  His unknown past.  It was nipping at him, sometimes it was taking big bites of him.  He blamed Kerr for that, for explaining to Ichabod what had happened to Ben (while he\'d been right there in the fucking room, mind, and being talked about like he was a little kid was one of his dislikes - how could Kerr profess to love him and not know that about him?) and Ben learning even more things about

Jack

himself.  In spite of his dark expression - or perhaps because of it - he drew a groupie to him, who nervously offered a drink with a corny line but Ben didn\'t care.  The youth had been sitting in a booth by himself, left behind by a couple of female friends if those handbags were anything to go by - maybe he was looking after them while the girls danced, Ben wasn\'t going to bother asking.  He sat down beside the groupie and ordered him to shuffle further in so Ben could have more room.  The other did as told and Ben stared at him for a long moment, seeing a young man barely the legal age of eighteen if he was a day, brown hair, hazel eyes, average looking, dressed in a black shiny shirt and black jeans, like it was some kind of clubbing uniform with the shirt tucked in.  Ben advised he\'d look better and more casual with the shirt untucked and was (and wasn\'t) surprised when the other untucked it on the spot.

He\'d only just finished drinking and healed the wounds when Kerr came out of the back rooms as well.  Ben hadn\'t gone far, just off to the left slightly before he was spoken to from the groupie in the booth.  Ben had the groupie\'s head in his lap and was stroking his hair while the other talked about various things (something about the girls he was here with, something about the job he did, something about something else, Ben wasn\'t really paying attention), while Ben stared at the dance floor and waited for Kerr to be done so they could go home.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s dreaminess was abruptly startled away when he followed his nose (so to speak) in Ben\'s direction and made out, from across the room, parts of a body barely visible beneath the table of the booth he sat at.  It seemed to be a man\'s body and, in the first second he glimpsed the arrangement, Kerr was chagrined (and jealous... madly jealous, he knew) to think that it looked like Ben was calmly sitting there while some guy was sucking him off.

In the next second, of course, he got closer and could see the boy\'s face directed towards the ceiling as he talked at Ben and Kerr told himself that naturally his body-shy fledgling wouldn\'t do something so crass out in the open... but the thought had been there all the same.  It was probably because he\'d just seen Ichabod - rationally, he knew that - but the effect had been instantaneous panic and it had efficiently blown away all the nice, happy feelings he\'d had.

Now, feeling a little out of sorts and a lot humbled (though Ben didn\'t know what he\'d thought and he therefore didn\'t need to be embarrassed, he told himself), he stopped opposite Ben and smiled.  He was pleased that it felt natural, despite his topsy-turvy internals.

"You\'ve had something to drink, then?" he asked pleasantly, knowing it to be true and therefore his question was more a needless statement than anything else, but he needed some sort of run-up to get into a conversation with Ben at that moment.  It was as an inane a statement as he could come up with on the spot; he needed to figure out whether he should sit down and start his conversation

confession

or whether they should go somewhere more private.  His vote would certainly be for privacy but Ben looked oddly unhappy as he sat there patting his donor\'s head and the last thing Kerr wanted to do was upset him further.  He was bound to be very tetchy after his run-in with Ichabod and being confronted with the past he wanted nothing to do with, so Kerr was all ready to tread lightly.

[Trillian]

At the sound of Kerr\'s voice, the donor in question rose up hurriedly and smartly whacked his shoulder on the underside of the table, hard enough to make one of the handbags fall over.  Ben made a compassionate noise, reaching out to help whatever-his-name-was move out from his position to better sit up.  Any wooziness he\'d proclaimed to be felt was likely knocked out of him, and Ben knew the other would bruise tomorrow.

Something to drink?  Ben was rather startled at the proclamation, but he wasn\'t sure why.  Was it because Kerr had referred to a person in such a detached reference?  Ben thought not, because he hadn\'t cared what the groupie\'s name was, nor had he bothered to listen to his chatter.  Whatever it was, Ben was profoundly mute, unable to think of a single thing to say in response to a statement about the obvious.  Luckily for him, his donor\'s ability to talk didn\'t fail him.

"Are you his sire?" he asked in a tone mingling with respect, fear and awe.  Ben was once again unimpressed to be referred to as \'he\' when he was sitting right there, but it wasn\'t like the groupie could refer to him by name, seeing as he didn\'t know it.  "If you like, you can take me home," he offered.  This offer shocked Ben into reaction.

"What? Fuck off!" he yelled in a manner unlike him, shoving at his donor\'s sore shoulder to motivate him to move.  Wide hazel eyes met him but didn\'t stop to argue as the human boy shuffled hurriedly around to exit the booth, grabbing the handbags he was supposed to look after as he went.  While this happened, Ben glared at the table, his lips pressed together tightly, ashamed of what had just happened but he couldn\'t take it back.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr was unmoved by the mortal\'s offer and watched Ben intently when such an overt reaction occurred.  Once the intruder was gone, Kerr merely stood, watching his beloved fledgling and thinking that he\'d never seen him look so much like a defiant child as he did in that moment; his lips were a slash of anger across his handsome face, his eyes glittering with emotions that could have been anger, could have been shame.  Could have been both.  Either way, he looked somewhat like he couldn\'t decide whether to rant and rail at the injustices of the world or simply curl up on the cushioned seat and bawl for all he\'d lost.

The sire was drawn like a bee to pollen, sliding in beside Ben smoothly and not speaking.  He didn\'t want to fight and although it was very likely Ben would pick one, Kerr didn\'t want to give him ammunition.  Despite the hustle and activity about them, there seemed a need to recoup and so the dark-haired Irishman merely nuzzled his way close to his fledgling so that his forehead rested against the side of his neck.  The rest of his body was close but not overpowering, their only firm point of contact was that forehead and his nose.

He closed his eyes, tucked his hands into his lap and emitted soothing vibes, his own mind reaching out and touching the most knotted parts of Ben\'s with nothing more intended than the communication of relaxation and comfort.  He wasn\'t aware of it, but the angle of his head tilt and his body\'s position caused his hair to fall way from his own neck, baring the Oligarchy\'s insignia - the dragon - tattooed there for anyone walking by to see, putting their situation in a far more precarious place than intended... but he wasn\'t thinking about being recognised just then, he only worried for his emotional fledgling and, ironically, how he would cope when he was told that Kerr had joined the enemy.

[Trillian]

When Kerr said nothing - and Ben had been expecting something - he was relieved.  He noticed movement on Kerr\'s part but didn\'t look up, still staring a hole into the table in front of him until Kerr was very close and he looked away, making it perfect for Kerr to move against him like he did.  When the touch was made Ben closed his eyes, his whirling thoughts losing their frantic pace and slowly dissipating until he was thinking only of the contact and the music.  The tension in his body had relaxed also, and it was once he was fully calm that he could feel the mental caresses of Kerr\'s mind against his own.

He was grateful.  Instead of feeling angry and confused however, he now felt sorrow, and had to acknowledge an obvious truth.

"I have to know," he said quietly, knowing Kerr would\'ve heard him even if he\'d been sitting opposite.  "I have to know because not knowing isn\'t working for me."

Not because he was ready to hear it, not because he wanted to hear it, but because there was no other option.  He didn\'t even recognise himself; he was drowning in a present he didn\'t understand and the only way he could keep his head above water was to know what had happened in the three years he\'d been asleep.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr merely listened to the music a while longer, looking at Ben\'s thoughts as objectively as he could, before he got up and held a hand out to him.  He still didn\'t believe Ben needed to know all of it - and he had no faith that the telling would restore his lover to what he had once been - but he was feeling somewhat hopeful despite himself.

(continued in \'Home Truths\')