Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair...

[The Cedar Witch]

Could someone be so kind as to edit this for me? It\'s very rough around the edges and I need some serious touching up. It\'s for an english assignment, and I\'d truely appriciate it. ^^
We had to rewrite a fairy tale in the form of a poem. And, obviously, I chose to do Rapunzel.


There was an expectant mother,
who spied a beautiful garden
with diversity like no other
and to enter would be forbidden.

Her craving fell on the rampion
in the garden, green and lush it grew
along side the pungent onion
in the forbidden garden of the enchantress, she knew.

Her husband, being a good old chap
stole away o’re the enchantress’ wall
and a handful of the rampion he did snatch
yet his wife’s craving became opposite of small.

A second time he went inside,
into the witch’s garden,
there she caught him, this time
yet giving him a pardon:

“You must give me the child,” said she
“that your wife will soon bring forth”
And promptly did he agree
and over the wall, henceforth.

True to her word, the witch did come
when the babe did barely appear,
the witch would be known, to the girl, as ‘mum’
and the name ‘Rapunzel’ would the babe hear.

By the time Rapunzel was barely a teen
she wasn’t the prettiest thing,
out of everything wished for she wanted to be queen
yet in a locked tower did she stay, merely to sing.

Fortunately for her, she had a beautiful voice
perhaps her best feature, if not her hair:
long golden braids, that the witch would be hoist
climbing, and none to careful, in place of stair.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzul let down your golden hair”
so the girl her mother did obey,
praying fervently that god would build stairs,
wishing upon the stars when it was not day.

This particular day, however,
when the witch did take her climb,
a decent which appeared to take forever,
Rapunzel’s neck twisted this time.

The witch, who had grown rather big,
broke the poor, ugly thing’s neck,
if only the witch had not been such a pig,
leaving the alive, yet poor girl, a wreck.

The minute the witch climbed up the tower
she put poor Rapunzel in a bulky neck brace,
causing her mood to become rather sour,
even more so since she had to remain in this place.

Now one fine day as Rapunzel was singing
a fine young prince did pass by,
he fell for the voice through the woods that was ringing
and came upon the tower, so high.

No way in and no way out
could the prince perceive,
but he saw when the witch did shout,
the girls long hair to which she did cleave.

The silly prince resolved to give it a go
to climb up Rapunzel’s hair,
to meet this little doe,
and climb up the golden ‘stair’.

So when he knew the witch would not come
did he call out to the poor girl,
amazing how this girl was so dumb,
her hair, out the window did she hurl.

Much heavier than the witch, he did climb
onto Rapunzel’s locks,
perhaps for the last time
which wouldn’t come as a shock.

For you see, since the prince was too heavy
Rapunzel had her scalp ripped off
which, of course, left her lying quite bloody
and our dear prince had a nasty fall.

[pinkroses]

I\'m not very good at editing and saying what\'s good or bad about other peoples work (I would never be a good teacher!) but I think it\'s mostly quite good.

But what I did notice is that at first your style of writing seems quite serious and going with the story accurately, but as it goes on you seem to make it more jokey and playful and I don\'t know your version of the story, but I know it deviates from the version I know! Your style of writing differs greatly, for example in the first few stanzas you\'re using words like \'henceforth\', but in the last one you say \'he had a nasty fall\' and \'dumb\'...it\'s like they\'re from completely different poems.

[The Cedar Witch]

Eh yeah. I was trying fervently to get the every other line rhyming format...but towards the end that stanza kind of poured out of me.

Like I said, it\'s awkward. And in desperate need of editing

[Trillian]

I like the poem concept, it\'s funny  XD

I noticed that too about the poem style, that the latter half where the poem varies from the original storyline, that the language is a great deal more casual.

I think in this instance, the editor would have to make a choice - keep the whole poem a bit more lighthearted and casual in its language, or more formal all the way through.

My opinion?  Formal would be funnier, though casual would be easier.