Home Truths

[Trillian]

Ben listened to the story about Arles and was emotionally detached from it.  How could he feel guilt or shame about someone he didn\'t even know?  Arles sounded like he\'d been used by Ben; a means to an end.  Really, Ben hadn\'t planned on getting involved with any of the vampires he asked to sire him, but in the back of his mind he\'d known that starting some kind of sexual relationship would heighten his chances of being sired.  Hearing about Arles had him doubting what he\'d originally felt for Kerr, coming onto him the way he had.

Ben looked at Kerr steadily now, wanting to know if there was still the attraction.  Looking at the dark Irishman seated beside him, he felt the familiar physical reaction bubbling in him - yes, he was attracted to Kerr, it was simply a secondary thing now.

"He was the rebound guy," Ben figured out, for wasn\'t Arles the one he got together with after thinking Kerr had moved on?  Funny, how his detachment could help him analyse Kerr\'s story.  It didn\'t feel real though, it felt like Kerr was talking about a character in a book he\'d read.  There was nothing personal in it, even though it was all about Ben.  "So we ended up together, after him?" Ben guessed, though he guessed wrong.

[Existentially Odd]

Oh, the urge to simply agree was strong. It would be so much easier to simply say, "Yes, Ben, after that, we got together and we lived happily ever after - until you got the urge to go slice and dice some folks, of course. Then it all fell apart." But he couldn\'t and it really sucked; again, his shoulders slumped defeatedly, despite lifting somewhat through the discussing of some slightly more upbeat things.
 
"No," he shook his head sadly, getting up because the urge to pace was too strong to deny. It wasn\'t a rapid striding back and forth in front of his fledgling, though, it was a slow and thoughtful stepping whereby he curled his toes into the sand on each of the three steps he took to walk the length of the bench, before he dawdled around and scrunched his way back, hands in his pockets and deep in thought. "It just got messier," he admitted, deciding to see how much he could get through without looking up at Ben to distract him.
 
"I was pressuring you to make a decision between Arles and I; you didn\'t want to. You felt obligated to him and you were still pretty mad at me for having anything to do with Sawyl in the first place, so I think part of you was holding back because you didn\'t fully trust that he and I and the twins were done with. I, on the other hand, was getting impatient and the more I saw you, the more I wanted you. I didn\'t know how good we\'d be together and, truthfully, I was getting really frustrated - sexually," he admitted, with a wry laugh that didn\'t lift his gaze from his sandpile pathway.
 
"I did something stupid. I went to Risk horny and I met Ichabod there. I hadn\'t seen him since the night you drank from him and I had some apologising to do because I\'d Dominated him to submit to you. He was upset because his latest fling - Lazarus, the vampire that took over the city years ago," he interrupted himself, his gaze flashing towards Ben just to check he was still listening at the dropping of such a significant name, "was ignoring him. Was, in fact, off in one of the back rooms with someone else, leaving Ichabod feeling like shit." He paused on a pivot, gnawing on his tongue stud as he thought about that night and his earlier reunion with the mortal, then his feet set off and his words followed.
 
"I took him home. As it happened, that was the night you\'d decided to move on with me and you walked in on Ichabod and I in bed together, right when you\'d decided it should be you and me there. You were horrified - naturally - and left, despite me going after you. It was the final straw for you. You couldn\'t see your way out of the messes we kept getting ourselves into, the fighting, the miscommunications - you decided that the love just wasn\'t worth it and you would quit." Again, he was minimally silent as he turned and began walking back, but he still didn\'t look up and he didn\'t stop talking, because he hadn\'t been interrupted.
 
"A few nights later you came to me and told me you were leaving, bowing out, it was over. I was devastated but you were beyond everything. You left Arles, left me and dropped out of contact with both of us. Neither of us thought it would last as long as it did, but you were a very determined man and you were lost again, to both Arles and I. I was so very sorry," he admitted forlornly, pacing and falling quiet, wondering if he would be questioned now, sort of hoping he would be, but continuing anyway.
 
"When Lazarus found out Ichabod had cheated on him he was furious. He went to the Oligarchy and had him made my pet, before he delivered him to my door - literally. Ichabod was hysterical, so of course I let him stay. I had nothing and he was a comfort. We didn\'t sleep together again, though," he stated and frowned a little at himself, wondering why he\'d said that. Ben hadn\'t asked, yet he\'d felt the need to justify himself... with a slight shake of his head, he went on.
 
"Lazarus got revenge on me by finding you. He promised to teach you to close your heart to me. You stayed with him to forget me, forget love, to learn to survive for thousands of years with your sanity intact, because you felt you were losing it, with the way you and I were tearing at each other. You moved in with Lazarus, slept with him once and began the process of distancing yourself from humanity." His voice was cold now, and at last he came to a stop, facing Ben with an impassive expression on his face, unable - even now - to communicate the full horror of what he\'d learned of Ben and Lazarus\' time together.
 
"One night, I found the two of you, in an alley behind Risk. You were sitting on a dumpster - studying one of your lessons, I suppose - calmly observing him fuck a corpse, a boy he\'d just drained and started raping slightly before he died. Lazarus\' survival philosophy 101: kill them, fuck them - in that order if you wish - and move on without them touching your heart. That\'s his way of staying safe. That\'s how he\'s survived two thousand years on this world; by not giving a shit." His eyelids were heavy as he observed Ben, wondering what this iteration of his fledgling thought of what that one had done.
 
"I fought him for you and I knocked him down hard. He\'s got no mental training to speak of. You didn\'t seem too worried by the thought of leaving him there in that alley, actually - he would\'ve stayed there until the sun came up and so would the great Ancient one, Lazarus, have perished - but I, stupidly, insisted we take him to safety. I drove the two of you back to your place, we left him in his bed and I took you back to the apartment with me. We got together after that," he explained, still standing with his hands in his pockets and watching Ben dispassionately.
 
"Lazarus wasn\'t happy I\'d bested him, though, and he made a short but meaningful reappearance in our lives a short while after that. He\'d invaded the Oligarchy, had killed Halen and assumed power as Luminary.  Next, he came to the apartment, to our home, where he had the balls to bribe me - well, threatened me with your death if I didn\'t see the light and comply with his wishes - to become an Oligarch for Vampires." Calmly, he reached a hand up and lifted his hair away from his neck to reveal the dragon tattoo in all its glory. "And so I am."

[Trillian]

Ben listened to the tale which followed a pattern he couldn\'t deny.  Everything was bad, everything was tainted.  Everything out of Kerr\'s mouth was tragic and dramatic.  Were there no good moments?  Was there no happiness in any of that?  He looked up at Kerr when there was a small pause, enough to draw his gaze to the tattoo that Kerr showed him, and he didn\'t feel surprised by it.  He started analysing his own reaction, or lack thereof, thinking about why he wasn\'t feeling much of anything.  Was he in shock?  He didn\'t think so.  He felt pretty normal.

There was a big pause now, indicating that Kerr had finished speaking.  Really?  He was going to end on that?  Why would he say so much about so many bad things, and not tell Ben about anything good that happened?  And Halen, he was dead, Ben didn\'t particularly feel anything either way about that, because the leader of the Oligarchy had began him on this merry-go-round.  Lazarus now, someone who was Ancient, he could see the appeal of it, but a necrophiliac vampire was enough to disgust him.  Kerr had found him watching Lazarus rape someone?  It didn\'t sound right.  In fact, most of it didn\'t sound right.

"Is that it?" he asked, wondering if Kerr had more bad news for him.  He sounded pretty calm, even bored, to his own ears.  Oh, he was far from bored, but right now there were no pressing emotions.  Ben had always been pegged as a \'chilling\' kind of guy by a lot of people who\'d met him, but if they\'d got to know him better, they would\'ve known he was the kind to keep everything inside.  He looked calm, he sounded calm, and this was one of those rare times that within himself he was calm.  Like Kerr correctly believed, Ben was gathering this information to him for ammuniition - but even Ben didn\'t know what he was going to use it for.

He was leaning forward on the bench again, his forearms on his legs and his hands hanging loose between his knees.  He was peering up at Kerr in front of him, an unimpressed expression upon Ben\'s face.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr blinked, feeling uneasy and instinctively knowing that things were worse when Ben didn\'t react emotionally.  It had been exactly this way the time before he\'d gone to Lazarus, to attempt to gouge Kerr forcibly from his heart for good.  Calm didn\'t bode well for the two of them and it crawled along Kerr\'s skin in a way that made him want to take back all the truths he\'d revealed and spin a fancier, prettier tale that would enchant Ben.

Enchant him to what?
Stay.  This is what he\'s like before he leaves.  I want him to stay with me.
Why?
I don\'t...
He\'s not in love with you, he\'s not the same as the one you love and he looks at you like you\'re an alien.  He doesn\'t even like you!
But...
Why fight it?  It\'s a fairy tale to him and there\'s no happy ending, no obligations-
There was a happy ending, fuckit!  Then the fucking mark took over!
Well, tell him... he may even hear you.

The sire stood there regarding his fledgling with an expression that was mingled terror and hopelessness upon his face.  Was it really to be this way?  His hand fell slowly from his neck and his tongue sluggishly tapped the stud buried in it against his teeth.  There were so many low points between them, why did this have to be another one, how was that fair?

And quite suddenly, he realised it wasn\'t and it didn\'t have to be.  He was galvanised into action without preamble, stepping over to Ben and grasping him by the upper arms, forcing his ambivalent body to its feet and looking him intently in the eye.

"No, that\'s not it," he said urgently.  "We found peace.  I had to work for the Oligarchy and you began to be influenced by the mark enough to torment Ichabod until the two of you were hauled in front of me at work and I had to lie to let the two of you off - and then I left you until you convinced me there was something wrong with you and we started investigating, which led to the necklace and to Jack - but in between we were happy!" he insisted almost frantically.

"We went to Europe and we were in love.  We went to the manor house I grew up in, made love every night, slept in my parent\'s bed and traced my family history.  We bummed around London, laughed madly when a security guard caught us walking around Stonehenge, kissed the Blarney Stone, drank from drunk Irishmen until we were stumbling, giddy messes that could barely stand up long enough to get our clothes off.  We went to my castle in Scotland and promised each other we\'d go back again this year, to Italy and France!" he declared, swallowing the lump in his throat that formed when he talked about all the good things.

That was why he\'d stuck to talking about the bad stuff, he realised now; because talking about what he lost broke his heart and it was clearly on display for Ben to see, the rawest of his loss and despair.

"We came back and we just... were together.  Sure, I had work and you wanted to learn to hunt alone but here was love.  I was so stupid for you I got your name tattooed all over me because you weren\'t interested in marriage or wearing my ring and I loved you like I\'ve never loved anything or anyone in my life," he whispered, the emotions getting the better of him and his eyes clouding with tears that remained unshed as yet.  "We laughed and we had each other for almost a year and it was all fucking worth it," he ground out through teeth gritted together in an effort for him to hold himself together.

"That wasn\'t it - not by a long shot," he continued after another forceful swallow - though a tear escaped because of it.  "There was everything that\'s gone, that I mourn, that I didn\'t want to burden you with because I understand it\'s too much for you, and it makes me ache to think about it anyway because it was so good when it was all resolved and it terrifies me to know I\'ll never find that again, if I can\'t convince you to hold on until it gets easier - because I swear it does!" he insisted, the tears falling now and thinking he sounded a bit like a babbling fool, trying to convince Ben that he was worth hanging in there for.  Surely this wasn\'t the way to do it - dignified and calm waiting had been his plan, not this emotional wreckage he was slobbering all over his beloved - a man who couldn\'t remember any of this and likely didn\'t care, either, because it was all his now.  All the pain and the joy was his alone to bear.

Abruptly, he pressed his lips together and let go of Ben\'s arms, his hands somehow finding their way to his cheeks, to cup his face instead.  He looked at his fledgling in an agony of longing, his cheeks as wet with tears as the wind had allowed them to be and the corners of his mouth twitching as it attempted a reassuring smile.  Reining himself in was difficult, but he had to do it... and then he gave up altogether.  "I\'m sorry you missed it," he said solemnly and the smile broke through of its own accord, "because it was fabulous.  And there was this."  With these words, he leaned forward and kissed Ben for all that he was worth.

[Trillian]

Ben\'s eyes widened as Kerr hauled him up.  He could feel the tension in his body because the movement had been so hostile.  He thought he was going to be shaken like a doll by an angry child, but that didn\'t happen.  Kerr told him a tale of a European vacation, describing things that Ben had wanted to do, that he would\'ve done with someone to influence him, things that he would\'ve been ecstatic for the opportunity for.

Tattoos?  Ben\'s interest was piqued by this information, that Kerr would mark his body with Ben\'s name.  It was something Ben wanted to see, figuring that could help him understand the depth of their love - though Kerr\'s words were beginning to help him achieve that.

Could he have grown to love Kerr in three years after all that?  It seemed now, through Kerr\'s eyes, that they always came together, regardless of what bad things happened between them and around them, they always came together.  Ben could always look at it like that, and the romantic inside of him desperately wanted to accept it as truth.

He didn\'t like seeing Kerr cry, the type of tears shown him this closely were the kind that pulled on his heart.  Ben wasn\'t a cold, unfeeling person, or the kind that could shut himself off (no matter how hard he tried).  He was sympathetic to the plight of others, and now, with Kerr in his face and telling him how much they loved each other and now he\'d lost it because of Ben losing his memory of it... it struck an empathic chord in Ben.

The kiss came at the right time.  He saw Kerr close in - quickly, too - and knew what was about to come next.  His eyelids fluttered closed (because he\'d never been able to kiss with eyes open) and he accepted what Kerr gave, not taking very long to respond back, remembering the kiss he\'d initiated in Kerr\'s bed about two weeks ago.  Two weeks, three years, those time differences could be one and the same to Ben.  His hands lifted and pressed on Kerr\'s chest - not pushing him away, not exactly, though it was a barrier between them.  This kiss, led up to like a fairytale of true love, had also come after a story of evil.  To believe the good, Ben also had to believe the bad, and it was hard enough on him to eventually break the kiss by lowering his head, pressing his forehead against Kerr\'s chest.

He didn\'t know what to say.  His lips were tingling and he could taste Kerr on them.  He stroked them with his tongue a few times to try and hold onto the memory of the kiss but he wasn\'t game to return to the real thing just yet.

[Existentially Odd]

"I\'m sorry," Kerr said again, allowing Ben to lean against his chest. He rested his head upon the back of Ben\'s and wrapped his arms about him, rubbing his back lightly as calm returned to his own body. He felt drained, exhausted, gutted. He\'d vented and given everything he had to give and he had no idea whether it would be enough. He was smart enough to know that he wouldn\'t even find out right now, things didn\'t work like that. His story couldn\'t magically make Ben remember these things, like he was an amnesiac who simply needed guidance; the memories were gone. They were in a mind where he couldn\'t even steal them back, too, because Jack was entirely blocked to him in that way - that was the worst of it.
 
And so they stood, for as long as was necessary, until there was calm again - questions, yes, but calm enough to continue on - and Kerr lifted his head, uncurled his arms so that his left remained at Ben\'s hip but used the fingers of his right hand to press beneath Ben\'s chin, silently requesting he look up at him. "I am sorry, you know. And I completely understand your need to... to get away and ignore all this shit. You didn\'t live it, you don\'t own it, you can\'t handle it. I love you enough to give you what you want, what you feel is best. If you need to go away for a while or forever... I can take it. Just don\'t," he had to stop long enough to swallow and steel himself a little, for the saying of these things, "just don\'t lose contact with me, okay? I am your sire and I\'ll always love you. I want to protect you. If you need to be protected from me... it\'s harder, but I understand," he said wryly, a little laugh coming with the words.
 
"Jack is a poor substitute for you, but he has your memory of love for me and I can make do with him, if that\'s what you prefer I do. I\'d be alright, I don\'t want you feeling like you\'re caged here or trapped or have no options or anything, okay?" he asked anxiously, dropping the hand supporting Ben\'s chin and re-linking his hands at his back again. "If you love something, set it free, right? I\'ve thought that with you before but it\'s true; I love you, I set you free. You are free, now that you know it all, to continue as you wish." He fell quiet, wanting no answers, but knowing that Ben was on the brink, simply because of how calm he\'d been.  All he really needed right now was an acknowledgment that he\'d been heard and his message had been understood: Just don\'t leave me entirely, keep in touch.

[Trillian]

Ben listened to Kerr, knowing what he was saying but he didn\'t feel ready to make any decisions about anything.  Stay or go, he was still swinging wildly between these two options.  If he stayed, he would try and regain a relationship with Kerr, though he\'d keep Kerr at arm\'s length enough to have a chance to build things slow and steady.  If he went, well, he\'d really go.  He couldn\'t imagine staying in a city with his three year history haunting him - especially when he had connections to the Oligarchy; connections that he didn\'t remember and might come and bite him on the ass.

"I can\'t make promises to you," Ben told him quietly.  "I don\'t know how I feel yet, because I\'ve only just heard all of this and none of it seems real.  It\'s like you\'re a million miles down a road I\'m only just stepping on, and there\'s a hundred different paths to choose still facing me."  He wanted to say more but held back, feeling like anything he said wouldn\'t be worded correctly and might be misinterpreted.  He didn\'t want to knock Kerr down after saying something so heavily emotional, but he didn\'t want to get his hopes up either.

[Existentially Odd]

"Yeah, I know," Kerr said, his smile turning wistful and sad, because he\'d known it would be this way... yet there was still a kernel of hope inside him that wouldn\'t be swayed from believing he\'d be told good news straight away.  "Make me no promises, I\'ll tell you no lies," he quipped, gently kissing Ben\'s lips once more (briefly) before pulling away.

"You want me to leave you alone now?" the sire offered, knowing that Ben would likely want time to digest all that he\'d learned - he might even wish to go on up to the house and begin recording his feelings and thoughts or the details of what he\'d learned on his new computer.  It wasn\'t really the time to launch into a heavy session of mental training, either... just floating about and digesting seemed the way to go (which gave Kerr an idea).

"I\'m going to go for a swim," he announced decisively, glancing over his shoulder at the water behind him.  Yes, floating and thinking sounded nice - though there wasn\'t a lot of floating that happened with undead bodies that didn\'t hold amounts of oxygen inside them for just such a purpose, but a paddle would be good and refreshing, he thought.  Also, by saying what he intended to do, he figured he was putting no pressure on Ben to stay so he\'d feel free to do his own thing.

Pleased with himself, Kerr gave Ben the most natural smile he\'d managed to conjure all night and pulled his shirt over his head.  He dropped it on the sand negligently, then began working on undoing his jeans.

[Trillian]

Ben wasn\'t feeling up to a swim, even though swimming in the ocean was an appealing thing.  He didn\'t respond when Kerr asked him if he wanted to be left alone, undecisive.  Kerr made the decision for him anyway, with the swim thing, so Ben looked back up the cliffside at the house as he replied.

"I\'ll be in my room," he said, taking one last glance at Kerr before going up the stairs, trying to concentrate on each step instead of on his thoughts which were whirling at a million miles a second.  He wanted to set up his computer and write all his thoughts down, but he didn\'t think he\'d be quick enough plugging everything in and loading everything on, so he was firstly going to take out one of his journals and write in it while everything was fresh, before he got to the computer.  As it turned out, if left alone, he would only be finished with his writing a little over two hours later.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr nodded when told Ben would be in his room then stripped the last of his clothes off as his fledgling walked away.  He walked into the relatively gentle waves slowly, wanting to embrace being naked beneath the moon and surrounded by the natural power of the water.  His own thoughts kept this from happening completely but once he lay on his back and managed to obtain the water\'s undulating surface it got better.  Water filled his ears and frequently splashed up his nose or over his face but he ignored it as he floated and stare at the white disc riding the sky, emptying his mind as best he could.

He lost track of time in this way, got caught in a rip and floated much farther out to sea than he should\'ve, so was forced to allow himself to drop down into the black depths to the ocean floor to simply walk back.  That was an eerie experience and he found himself frequently disconcerted by marine life swimming past on its own course, close enough to tail-lash or sting him to no effect (beyond the fright).

An hour and a half later he emerged from the ocean\'s clutches and shook his head vigourously to dislodge the salt water from his ears and nose.  He flicked his arms and legs a few times to dry off, not liking the way the salt stuck to his skin, then gathered his clothes in a bundle under his arm to climb the cliff staircase.  When he got to the top, Kerr went directly to his bathroom, not sensing that Jack was home yet and feeling the low-pulse awareness in the back of his brain that told him Ben was thinking very hard and fast (and should not be disturbed).

After a brief shower - during which he washed the salt water out of his hair also - he pulled on a pair of loose, knee-length denim shorts and headed downstairs to wait for Jack to get home.  He finger combed his wet locks as he went, annoyed by the way droplets of water fell on his bare shoulders and pondering going back to dry it off a bit more carefully but deciding against it.  He also pondered cutting his hair off entirely, but wasn\'t quite that annoyed yet.

He checked his mobile to see if his mortal charge had called while he was swimming then settled down on the couch in the sitting room to read.  He\'d left his latest book on the coffee table and it was pleasant sitting in the large room with one of the doors open to blow fresh air on him, long legs sprawled out behind him as he rested on his right elbow.  Reading kept his mind off wondering what Ben was doing and if he would have any follow-up questions once he\'d processed everything he\'d been told.  Plus, he would be easily found there on the couch, by whomever sought him out first.

[Trillian]

Jack was back home not long after, while Kerr sat reading and Ben lay writing.  He\'d had a most curious time with Samuel and Hannah, with Samuel tutoring the pair of them about what Jack really was and all the things that had happened in the past, why the ritual was incomplete and Jack had only a small portion of memory.  Kerr hadn\'t played any part in the lessons other than being the device to have caused many things to go wrong.  Hannah learned that the form Jack had taken over was a homosexual man, though Jack\'s usual attraction had brought him together with her.  Samuel had put such a romantic spin on the whole ordeal (which really had been nothing other than sexual release after many dormant years) that her eyes went starry and she accepted that Jack was in a position that he couldn\'t really consummate anything with her.  Jack\'s respect for Samuel had grown tenfold in this story-telling session, for he\'d managed to give Jack every option while losing no ground.

Of course he had kisses for Hannah, and she didn\'t seem to notice his heart wasn\'t really in it.  Kerr was his dominant memory, all he knew was his love for him.  However, they had to position Hannah where she would be willing and honoured to bear the mark to bring Jack back (should any evils befall him), so she could pass it on to a male of her choosing who would be the sacrificial in the ritual.  Oh, she knew it all now, she was excited about it, and though she declared much love for him and what he looked like now, Jack suspected that the wheels were turning in her mind.

He sought Kerr out now, for some normality.  Every time he met with Samuel (and this usually included Hannah, but not always), there was always a feeling of surreality.  He was worshipped, tutored, adored, waited on.  It fed his ego and he hadn\'t even discovered the powers Samuel declared he could tap into, yet.  He also thought of the witch - how he would like to visit her and learn of the earth magic she no doubt had access to.  She would be a good place to start.  He found Kerr on the sofa, reading, and pounced on him with barely a hello.  No doubt Kerr would\'ve sensed him coming, though he doubted the vampire would know he was going to get a lap full of energetic mortal youth.

"I\'m back," Jack told him unnecessarily.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr laughed and scooped Jack down so that he was laying along him and could look up at him.  The couch cushions were broad enough to accommodate this because Kerr was still laying on his right side and Jack - even flat on his back - was not a broad or unwelcome intruder.

He took a moment to shuffle his right shoulder forward (taking Jack\'s head for a short slide across the couch, for it was laying on his bicep) and place his book on the coffee table before he pulled back into position and cuddled around Jack with both arms and a leg.

"I\'m sorry about earlier," he said worriedly, succumbing to the need to apologise more because of what he\'d said to Ben, rather than feeling any blame for their earlier disagreements (though there was some, he knew).  Calling a person who made you feel loved and really very happy a \'poor substitute\' for another encouraged a great deal of guilt and embarrassment when that person was faced again, he suddenly found. "I hope your time in the city cleared your head?"

[Trillian]

He\'d initially left to go shopping, and so Kerr thought he had, though the lack of purchases should\'ve told him better.  Jack didn\'t like doing things alone so he\'d gone to the penthouse to get Samuel (and Hannah, if she was back from her night\'s work at the circus), but had been waylaid by something completely different.  The shopping trip had entirely left his head upon being greeted with such eagerness on Samuel\'s part - apparently he\'d dropped in at a perfect time.

Now he heard an apology from Kerr and thought it unnecessary for not inviting him to go with Kerr and Ben to Risk, mostly because Kerr had explained himself.  He didn\'t know he\'d been condemned twice after leaving Kerr and Ben alone; once for his clothes and the other for not being Ben.

"Mmn," he murmured lightly, not wanting to go into everything said and done with Samuel and Hannah.  That was separate to his time with Kerr, and he wanted to keep it that way.  "You don\'t have to say sorry," he said, then ground his hips against Kerr beneath him.  "You just have to make it up to me," he added with a mischievous look.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr merely stared at him for a few moments, thinking.  In truth, he yearned for someone in his bed, but only to hold.  He wanted Jack there this day, but the implication that there\'d be sex, after the emotional Tour de France he\'d just been on, was as alien as Jack sprouting another head from which to send him asides.

"I told Ben everything, tonight," he blurted out quite suddenly, finding he really had been stripped down to raw elements and staccato thinking.  He blinked at Jack, waiting for his reply because it seemed that it would influence the way everything would go from here.  He didn\'t have the energy to predict and shape the outcome ahead of schedule, he could only put his information into play and wait for it to ricochet around until it landed on a consequence.

"We ran into Ichabod at Risk and so Ben asked.  I\'ve told him everything about the last three years.  He\'s... processing it."

[Trillian]

There was a rather intense flare of jealousy mixed with possessiveness upon being told Kerr had shared such information with Ben.  He squashed his initial reaction (which was to stiffen, and though there was an obvious tension in his body he thought he did quite well at relaxing it away fairly immediately), before raising his eyebrows at Kerr in a questioning gesture.  What happened next? his expression implied, but it was unnecessary for Kerr continued on his own steam, telling him that Ben was processing - whatever that meant.

Those are my memories, he wanted to say.  They were the memories that made him special to Kerr, that connected him to Kerr.  What was he, if Ben had it all?  Ben didn\'t even know him!  Why was Kerr insisting on pursuing that avenue when he had all he did in Jack?  He didn\'t need two in his life, he just needed one.  That one was Jack.  He knew his protest would either fall on deaf ears or cause the vampire to sour.  The last thing he wanted to do was pressure Kerr away from him.  He was smart enough to know Kerr would resent any negative comments about Ben, and devious enough to keep such feelings to himself.  Honestly, he couldn\'t care less about what happened to Ben, as long as he stayed on the training side of Kerr and didn\'t interfere with a relationship that Jack was supposed to have with Kerr.

The easiest thing to do was not to acknowledge Ben at all, for fear of giving the wrong response.

"How\'s Ichabod doing?" he asked, knowing the youth in question.