Brothers (continued)

[Trillian]

"I tried," Ben said edgily, not wanting Kerr to counter him.  "I did try.  He\'s unforgiving.  I said sorry right away and he said okay, and he still holds me accountable.  I\'m not even the same," he said, and these words were echoed back to Kerr from the few times he\'d heard his sire mention that Ben had certainly turned a few corners in his outlook and behaviour.  The core of Ben was still the same, but he wasn\'t the inhibited, reserved prudish young man he\'d been when Kerr had first met him, nor the selfish, blase, promiscuous young vampire Kerr had rediscovered in New York.

"I don\'t know how he isn\'t different after so much passing time.  Don\'t people grow and change?  Is that why you\'re offering him the chance to move out and get away?  Do you think he\'ll...

grow up?

flourish?"

Ben\'s mental shield wasn\'t up all the way, and he had to think about it to hold it up, so it was very likely Kerr had caught the disparaging comment overlying the nicer, diplomatic one.

He considered the fact that Kerr might make an issue of how Ben thought about Ichabod instinctively.  The pair of them were a great deal more emotional and sensitive than Ben was currently.  His emotions were a great deal more guarded.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr cast a sidelong glance at Ben, the corner of his mouth twitching merrily despite himself as he exhaled a snort of bemusement through his nose.  He wasn\'t about to enter into the circular argument of who tried and who blamed who, for they all tried and they all failed but the point was the continuous trying.

At least, that had been important to Kerr, until the whole thing just became trying, full stop.

It amused him though, Ben\'s thought that Ichabod might grow up if left to his own devices, for it was exactly Kerr\'s thought.  He\'d developed quite independently when he went away to college but, unfortunately, meeting Cole had steered him back onto a path where he was forcibly an ingenue once more.  He likely needed time on his own to rediscover the person he\'d found he could be when on his own, independent of Lazarus, Kerr, Mandy... anyone upon whom the youngling had hung his heart and hopes instead of trusting in himself.

"I think he will, yes," he murmured, biting back the chuckle that burbled in his chest.  He slid his hands into his pockets and fell quiet a moment before looking pointedly at Ben.  "But I won\'t be pushing him out.  Just offering him the chance, if he wants to take it," he warned, watching his handsome young lover with raised eyebrows, expecting agreement on that point.

[Trillian]

"And if he doesn\'t want to go too far from you?" Ben asked, thinking that the invisible lead that tied Ichabod to Kerr was a great deal shorter than the one that tied Ben to Kerr.  Perhaps it would\'ve been different if Ben had been a full blood fledgling.  Ben was more inclined to think that he was more independent.  He liked to think the fact he and Kerr had come together time and again was due to a deep seated love that had nothing to do with the sire/fledge relationship.  Ben was mostly right, considering he couldn\'t remember Kerr having sired him in the first place.

"If he wants to move down a floor, maybe?" Ben asked.

He didn\'t want to admit it, but if their positions were reversed, Ben wouldn\'t want to stray too far either.  So much for independence.  He would want to be near his creator.  He would miss Kerr too much.

Hell, maybe he\'d even miss Ichabod.

But he doubted it.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr\'s lips twisted in silent contemplation of the question, just as the lift arrived at the library floor.  When the doors slid open, he reached a hand forward to bar them from closing again, uncertain whether his conversation with Ben would take just a few more comments or whether it seemed a better idea for them both to step out of the lift and talk in the hallway.  Either way, the lift needed to stay put for a little bit.

He shrugged.  "I dunno\'," he answered honestly.  "I don\'t see much point in just moving downstairs, for a break," Kerr hesitated, unspoken words momentarily hanging between them

from you

before he continued.  "He might as well stay, if that\'s the case.  I figured the point would be getting his own space, and I\'m not very far away from the Capital, here.  You think he\'d opt for downstairs?" he tilted his head curiously.

What Kerr wasn\'t saying (because it was highly insulting to Ben - even though it was the truth) was that he felt everything centred around Ben and Ichabod\'s relationship and he was barely part of the equation.  The two fledglings came to loggerheads regularly enough that their sire believed escaping that pressure would trump any distance Cub might wish to not have between him and his sire.  Ben was likely too close to it, to see this side of things.

[Trillian]

"I don\'t know what he\'ll think," Ben said softly, but through clenched teeth.  Ichabod was Frustration, capital F and all.  His statement wasn\'t quite right, however.  It was more Ben didn\'t know why he thought what he did.  Ichabod didn\'t think like Ben did, and he was so much of a polar opposite to the blonde that he couldn\'t relate.  At all.  It didn\'t matter that they were blood brothers and connected in a way that would translate all their thoughts and feelings upon their uniting bond.  It wouldn\'t have mattered if Ben had sired Ichabod himself.  He would never be forgiven, he would never be considered having changed; he would always be evil in Ichabod\'s eyes.  And Hell, it was likely the nasty side that Ichabod saw was real - it was more the problem that he couldn\'t see any of the good in Ben, that he couldn\'t see the benefits.  Only flaws.  He supposed he only saw Ichabod\'s flaws as well.

"No, he\'ll want to be further away from me."

There was no point mincing words.

[Existentially Odd]

Despite himself, Kerr exhaled a breath of a laugh and the corner of his mouth lifted in the beginning of a smile.  It seemed that Ben could always surprise him.  The frankness was refreshing and the sensation lessened the coiled anger in him slightly, enough that he gave his lover a bemused look as the elevator door made its first run at closing, only to retreat once it sensed his hand in position.

"Well, I guess when I get back, I\'ll ask him and we\'ll both find out," he murmured, shrugging the shoulder opposite his extended arm and watching Ben calmly, expecting his fledgling to take his exit now.

[Trillian]

Ben nodded and looked at Kerr for a lingering moment.  Was that tiny conversation the whole reason for riding down in the elevator with him?  Was there something else he wanted to ask?  It was true enough that the lifts at the Chambers dropped or rose so quickly it could put a supernatural\'s teeth on edge (usually the weres, or so Ben had overheard), so it was possible they\'d arrived at their destination before Kerr hadn\'t managed to spit out what he\'d wanted to say.  Ben had learned enough about Kerr to know his sire sometimes would faff about the point before making it.

When nothing else came, Ben stepped out, just before the doors were about to close, and late enough that his exit made them ding

I liked the bong at the Capital better

and do a kind of shuffling close-open maneouvre before dinging again.  He gave Kerr a big smile before the doors shut on his sire to transport him up again.  He felt like his sire deserved a smile, considering all the crap Ben and Ichabod had put him through.

The smile was gone by the time he arrived at the library doors, however, which was really just an about face from the elevators.

[Existentially Odd]

Once the lift doors closed, Kerr didn\'t push another button.  He just pulled his hand back and stayed in the unmoving lift, slowly leaning forward to press his forehead against the cool metal in front of him, his eyes falling closed.  He wanted very badly to get away from all this, quite suddenly.  Away from bickering fledglings, convoluted relationships and awkward decisions and conversations.  He wanted to be anywhere but where he was, with anyone but who he was with, doing anything but what he was doing.

Actually, anyone wasn\'t accurate.  He wanted to go to Jenna.  He wanted to knock on her door and wrap his arms around her when she answered it, bury his face in the crook of her neck, breathe in her scent and kiss her until she was breathless and he was...

Squeezing his eyes shut more tightly, Kerr shook his head and then opened them, straightening up away from the door and staring blankly at the column of buttons set in the panel to the side.  He still had his keys, it would be just as easy to go down to the garage and drive to Jenna\'s as it would be to go to his office and work... he really had no interest in doing any more work tonight, after all the shit he\'d been through.

Sighing, Kerr hit the button for the penthouse and put his hands in his pockets, fingering the keys as he travelled away from one blood bond, towards the other.  There was no time like the present, he supposed; he wasn\'t going to get anything productive done and he knew he was not in the right frame of mind to go and visit Jenna - in the mood he was in, he\'d end up trying to get her into bed and that... was just stupid and spiteful.  He\'d regret it immediately, even if it seemed like a good idea right now.

Once the lift stopped and the doors opened again, Kerr strolled back through the apartment, feeling his way to Ichabod and taking a seat near him.  "Mind if we talk?  I have something I\'d like to ask you," he warned seriously, placing his hand on Cub\'s thigh.

[pinkroses]

When Kerr returned to the apartment Ichabod was sitting in his bedroom, browsing on his laptop. Well, not exactly browsing, Ichabod knew exactly what he was looking for. He had plans, although he hadn’t voiced them to Ben or Kerr and tried not to think about them too much. With Ben always there it had felt like he couldn’t really do what he wanted to - he always had to be with the blonde, to focus on training his vampiric skills and the only other research he could do was inside the Oligarchy, unless he had a babysitter to go anywhere else.

But he had started his university course and then let it go, losing his focus with Cole and everything else. Now he could pick it up again with night classes at the local university, or at home work. He could carry over the points he’d earned before, but not indefinitely. If he wanted to use them then he only had a couple more years.

And, like Ben had been, Ichabod didn’t feel comfortable having to rely on Kerr for everything. He was grateful for it, for everything, but it would be nice to have his own cash, not to have to whip out the shiny credit card whenever he wanted the smallest thing. Maybe he could get a job, just a couple of nights a week. He didn’t have too much experience, but just doing something different, having a good excuse to get out, that would be a lovely change. And there was time - he could study a couple of nights, work a couple of nights, work on enhancing his vampiric skills the other nights, and come home to be close to the man he loved for the daytime. Well, as close as he could be, as close as he was allowed to be.

So when Kerr entered, Ichabod was half way through filling out an application for classes at the city’s university. He was going to discuss it with Kerr, but why not get a head start?

The young vampire put the laptop to one side,  a smile on his face as the Irishman approached and he skootched to the edge of the bed, one leg dangling off the edge and the thigh of the leg Kerr put his hand on folded up underneath him. His smile faded slightly at Kerr’s words and his hand moved to cover Kerr’s.

“Sounds ominous… what’s wrong?” he asked, his dark eyes fixed on Kerr’s and a sinking feeling filling his stomach. Kerr wasn’t happy - which was too be expected with the events of the night, but he hoped they would be able to forget it and move on. Things hadn’t gone to plan, Lazarus appearing had thrown them all, but Ichabod had hoped this change would be a good thing. What had happened? Had Ben said something in the lift? What was going on?

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr wasn\'t in the mood for preamble, he wanted to know Cub\'s honest thoughts and so he didn\'t mince words, though he did offer a small laugh that faded quickly into an intent look after his first reassurance.

"Not ominous, don\'t worry.  It\'s just... it occurred to me that you might want more than just freedom from Ben when you\'re out.  If you\'re going to be independent, you might want to do it properly.  I was wondering if you\'d like to live at the Capital apartment?"

His stare was steady as he watched his fledgling\'s expression carefully - though he was sure he\'d feel a reaction before he saw one.

[pinkroses]

And there it was. Kerr would instantly feel the horror in Ichabod at this suggestion and if he’d had more blood tonight then it would have flooded from his face at that moment. Move out? That hadn’t even occurred to Ichabod and it definitely wasn’t something he wanted. He wanted to be close to Kerr - this whole set up was less than ideal but it was the best Ichabod could get right now and he was about to be shoved out of it. Kerr was phrasing it as a question, but Ichabod knew that this wasn’t a suggestion.

And living at the Capital Building? Alone? That was Kerr’s home, it was all him and Ichabod hadn’t lived there for all that long. It had been nice there, but it would be like living in the Luminary chambers alone - he would feel completely out of place.

“You want me to go,” Ichabod said, not bothering to even pretend it was a question, although it could be taken that way. He lowered his gaze, giving a tiny shrug as he pulled back his hand from Kerr\'s but not moving away from him further.

“Okay. If you think it’s a good idea.” He didn’t want to go. He wanted to stay here, to be able to sleep in the room beside Kerr every day, to be able to see him and know he was close. But he trusted Kerr and he knew his sire was upset with how his fledgings had behaved tonight. Maybe this was a sort of punishment. Maybe he deserved it.

[Existentially Odd]

"I don\'t want you to go," Kerr argued impatiently, annoyed that Cub was saying one thing and feeling another.  Their blond bond was crawling with the feeling of mourning, of Ichabod not wanting to go.  He understood it, it had only been two years, after all, and Ichabod still had a great deal to learn - in no way did he desire his fledgling to be apart from him.
 
By the same token, he also had had enough of he and Ben bickering, but realised now that he could only hope that once their forced union was broken, that would lessen, too.  Ichabod being free to roam alone would have to do for now, he saw.
 
"I just thought I\'d offer you the chance - if you wanted it.  I\'m perfectly fine with you staying here, don\'t simper and agree if it\'s not what you actually want.  Surely you respect me enough to tell me the truth?" Kerr chastised brusquely, reaching up to cup Ichabod\'s face in his hand.  There was love in the touch, though it was stern, rather than gentle, and his gaze was equally so.
 
He wanted his strong, independent Ichabod back and coddling him was not the way to do it, he believed.

[pinkroses]

“You know I don’t want to go, so why bother asking?” Ichabod said, frowning at the reprimand but not pulling away from Kerr’s touch. He tried so hard to make Kerr happy, to get along with Ben in an attempt to achieve that end but everything he tried on his own seemed to fall flat on its face and it was endlessly frustrating.

“I respect you. You know that too. And I trust your opinion which is why…” Ichabod shook his head, shutting his eyes for a moment as he tried to gather his thoughts. “You suggesting it implies you think it’s a good idea. I’m not agreeing because I think you want me to just be a good little boy and do what you say. I’m agreeing because… if you think it will help and I don’t have a better suggestion, why not. I‘d trust you with anything.”

Ichabod turned his face away from Kerr’s his eyebrows knitting together and showing his mood as he reached out to push down the lid of his laptop idly. Of course this wasn’t what he wanted, but Kerr knew how to make things work. He had centuries of experience and Ichabod had to trust him. This might make them happier. Maybe some time apart would make things better.

And if he didn’t go now he’d be constantly worrying that he should because it was what his sire wanted.

[Existentially Odd]

When Ichabod turned his face away, Kerr allowed his hand to drop to the bed, mirroring the frown his progeny wore.  What the fuck?  He didn\'t want to go, he wanted to stay with he and Ben, but he would go, because Kerr thought it was a good idea and he respected him... what?  It all sounded very backhanded to the Irishman and staring at Cub didn\'t make it any clearer.

"I thought you might like to try going back to being truly independent, that\'s all," he huffed, feeling a bit half-hearted in arguing, now that he wasn\'t really sure which way the conversation was going.  He liked starting things with a clear purpose in mind - an anticipation, if you liked, of where the conversation would possibly go.  A yes or a no had been in his head.  What he got was... neither and both.  On this night, such complications did his head in!

"I do think it\'s a good idea but only because you\'re limiting yourself here.  Sure, we get to do plenty of training, but you\'re at the stage now where I don\'t have something new to teach you every night, you need to develop - and that can happen anywhere.  And you don\'t go out to meet people, your old friends, you don\'t... well," Kerr\'s gaze broke off Cub\'s and fell to somewhere vaguely between them as he hit a stumbling block he\'d avoided speaking about for at least two years now.  It really couldn\'t be ignored any longer, though.  He looked up once more, managing to make eye contact.

"You\'re celibate.  And I know you and I... " he broke off again, licking his lips and blinking rapidly as he contemplated how to say something when there\'d been an unvoiced agreement that nothing needed to be said.  He and Ben had sex.  Ichabod didn\'t.  But Ichabod was always close by, and he and Kerr shared an intimate connection that ran a level deeper than his and Ben\'s (no matter how hard they\'d tried to artificially enhance it) and... there\'d been times when Kerr\'s mind had bled down that connection and coupled with Cub\'s and they\'d... partially shared a... climax. More than a couple of times, really.

But Ben had no idea - well, he likely suspected it, but he\'d very kindly never said anything if he did - and Kerr had never confirmed the fact that he and Ichabod occasionally experienced a vicarious fuck by way of his pleasure ebbing down a blood bond and enhancing Ichabod\'s auto-erotica.  It wasn\'t really cheating, and he didn\'t think it was evil of him to want Ichabod to feel pleasure when he did, it felt very natural to share his happiness with his fledgling

ex-lover

when he felt it.

The thing was, it was no way for Ichabod to exist.  He needed to get away and find his own actual sex life, because how could a relationship that only sort of, sometimes existed in his head be any good for him?  He deserved real love and arms to hold him, a real body to be pressed against him, not a mental presence imposed briefly and then withdrawn after a very brief, intense connection was achieved.  He wasn\'t seeking nor finding it when he was accepting his role as a third in Kerr\'s and Ben\'s relationship.  A shadowy, ethereal third at best.

Kerr pressed his lips together briefly, gnawing on his tongue stud as he still couldn\'t bring himself to say what he\'d been thinking.  It was like... if he didn\'t say anything, then it didn\'t really happen and he wouldn\'t have to make any awkward admissions to Ben.  Best leave it swept under the rug, in that case... right?

"We share a connection," he eventually said, chickening out and keeping it vague and sterile.  "But it\'s not real.  You deserve real, sweetheart, to have a relationship and friends and a life beyond Ben and me - don\'t you want that?  To be kissed?  Held?  Touched?"

[pinkroses]

Ichabod couldn’t keep his gaze away from Kerr for too long, but as soon as he met that look again he wished he could just hide away. He didn’t want to hear Kerr’s sensible reasons for thinking his fledgling should leave - surely him agreeing to it was enough? He’d said yes, why was Kerr pushing these reasons on him?

Maybe it would be nice to meet more people, more than the humans he was trying to feed from, whose minds he tried inexpertly to manipulate, or the people he ran into in the Oligarchy who could be interesting to chat to but who never had time for him.

His jaw set as Kerr almost voiced what they shared at times. Sometimes Ichabod wasn’t sure whether Kerr knew, but of course he did. How could he not? That was what gave Ichabod a spark of hope, one he knew he should squash down and ignore, but when he and Kerr shared that, how could he not believe that one day there might be more? Ben and Kerr had been apart before, Ben had left - maybe he would again and it wasn’t like Ichabod had a time limit on how long he could wait now. He had forever. But he tried to hide those thoughts as best he could and fortunately when he thought of it most often was when Kerr and Ben were… otherwise engaged.

“Of course I want those things,” Ichabod murmured. I want it with you. Ichabod’s cheeks would have flushed a bright red at letting the stray thought slip through, but the way his shoulders hunched up slightly, tensing, would show Kerr it was a mistake.

“I was going to apply to do a few remote courses from the university, I can carry over the marks from when I started before, do night classes here and stuff. And I could do that a few nights a week and still do training other nights and I could graduate in a year or so,” Ichabod blurted out, wanting to fill the silence before Kerr had a chance to comment on his mental slip although he doubted Kerr would just let it go. His black eyes fixed on Kerr were pleading with him to though and he hoped Kerr would understand.