Austria

[Existentially Odd]

While Ben had been in the shower, Kerr had arranged the room as they always did, pushing the two beds together so that he could sleep in the middle (just far enough away from the join so that it didn't spread apart in the day and dump him on the floor) with Ben on his right and Ichabod on his left.  Prior to tonight, it had been he who had needed this central position, to feel the comfort of his fledglings around him, but tonight, as he fiddled with overlapping the blankets, he wondered if they should swap.

He'd been near to panic-stricken when told his jet couldn't get to them tonight and he'd considered all sorts of exhorbitant work-arounds - generally involving helicopters and exceptionally fast cars that could get them to it - before Ben suggested they just leave and wait until the next night.  The drive here had been executed as quickly as he'd dared and he hadn't conversed a great deal wth Ichabod.  There wasn't much to say, though there were plenty of mental questions and ponderings that had passed between them.  Mostly they just worried that Ben wasn't okay and hoped they were doing the right thing to help him.

There'd been just as few words while Ben showered and Kerr stripped down to his boxer briefs, deciding he didn't need a shower.  He normally slept naked but tonight... that also didn't feel right.  He'd turned the television on, with the volume down low, just for something else to look at while they waited and he and Ichabod had curled up on a chair together, watching it unseeingly.

When Ben emerged and slid into the bed, Kerr exchanged a look with Ichabod and then got up to walk over by the bed, looking down at the blonde inside it and smiling reassuringly.  "You want to be in the middle?" he asked gently, recalling how Ben had hung onto both their hands in the lift.  He might like them walling him off and leaving no part of him open to the room and Kerr certainly didn't need it any longer.  If ever there'd been a fast-track to accepting his failings and just moving ahead with the knowledge, this was it (though he certainly hadn't thought about it in such terms; he had thoughts only for Ben tonight).

[Trillian]

Ben sat up on his elbows and looked over at Ichabod, who was a key element in the sleeping situation.  Ben hadn't felt any of Ichabod's misgivings about three in the bed, because their connection was too loose for such a thing to travel on their bond, but he could certainly imagine.

"I don't want to... force anything," he finished lamely, the words he'd used not the ones he'd wanted to use, but they seemed the most perfect fit.  He didn't want to force Ichabod into anything, and it was only now that he finally realised what it must've been like for Ichabod to have Ben around, after he'd bullied him.  It didn't matter what Ben didn't remember, or the fact his personality had performed an about face to what it had been before, or that he wouldn't do such a thing now.  He'd done it, and Ichabod had experienced it, and then he'd had to live with Ben like Ben had lived with Themba.  It was so chilling a realisation that he now shook his head harshly.  "No, no, you in the middle."

[Existentially Odd]

Confused by Ben'a apparent about-face, Kerr merely gave Ichabod a vaguely questioning look, shrugged minutely and then moved to turn the television off before he got into bed - in the middle, as Ben had eventually insisted.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod could never remember being as happy as he was when he saw Kerr and Ben both appear at the hotel but since they were both so quiet Ichabod didn’t feel like he should do more than check what had happened. He wanted to grab them both and hug them and hold them and never let go – but he kept his distance seeing how close and sedate the two of them were. After what they’d been through he didn’t want to intrude – be the third wheel or bring up things they didn't want talking about.

He remained quiet as they raced around, trying to leave the country, then just the city when they couldn’t get the flight home that night. He was as keen to get home as they were, it had been a terrible end to a holiday which had been more stressful than originally intended when it was just a spark of an idea. Normally Ichabod would have been chatting as they travelled, trying to fill a silence, but now the silence didn't need to be broken. Ben was obviously lost in thought and Kerr, although he was responsive it was difficult to keep up a conversation and so Ichabod didn't even try. He said a few needed words once they were in the hotel but other than that he was content to be near them and after slipping into his soft cotton pyjama bottoms whilst Ben showered he curled up next to Kerr on the sofa until Ben returned when Ichabod moved away from their sire slightly so that Kerr could tend to Ben.

At the question of Ben going in the middle Ichabod sat up a little, hooking his elbow over the back of the sofa, gazing across at his brother. Even a few nights ago he wouldn't have felt so comfortable lying right beside Ben, but that had changed after almost losing both Ben and Kerr. He’d thought that he might have been left alone, that neither of them would come back and the idea of not having either of them had shaken him. He and Ben had never been all that close – but they were family and they were slowly becoming friends, despite what had happened between them. And he did care about the blonde.

“You’re not forcing anything,” he said, standing up and giving a small shrug. “Sleep in the middle, please,” he said, gesturing at Kerr’s usual spot. I’m glad you’re here at all. We couldn’t have lost you, he added mentally to Ben, not including Kerr but not trying to block him out either. He gave his brother a small smile before disappearing into the bathroom to brush his teeth so that Kerr and Ben could get in bed together, knowing he should probably give them a little time alone. after brushing his teeth he washed his face and ran his wet hand through his hair, trying to string out the time he could give Ben and Kerr in private as well as distract himself from his hunger. The same as Ben, he hadn’t wanted to ask to stop to feed and hadn’t wanted to bring a stranger into this situation. He could feed tomorrow night.

When he returned to the bed Ichabod climbed in beside Ben, whether or not the blonde had moved into the middle. In the two beds pushed together there was space for him. Ichabod didn’t curl up as close to his brother as he would have done to Kerr, but he found his brother’s hand and curled their fingers together, trying not to thinking about what might be happening now had Themba not let Ben go. Would Kerr have come back? Would Themba have killed him? God knows.

If Ben hadn’t come back but Kerr had Ichabod wasn’t sure if he could have coped handling Kerr in his moods by himself, and losing Ben would have just added to the things Kerr would have been battling against. But it hadn’t happened. They were okay. It was all okay.

[Trillian]

Ben blinked at Ichabod's polite request that he understood was his brother's way of giving orders.  He didn't receive the mental message sent to him because he was still closed off mentally, and it was a little harder to let that go - much like someone who was tense would struggle to relax.

He found himself suddenly marvelling at Ichabod.  All this time he'd been impatient with him, weary of him, finding him difficult to get along with and tiresome with his overly emotional manner.  Really, he should've realised it was all him.  It was all Ben's fault they hadn't managed to be friends.  Look at how many people at the Chambers had made quick friends with Ichabod and were offended or thought little of him? 

Ichabod actually cared about the troubles of complete strangers!  Ben struggled to feel that kind of concern over people he barely knew.  Fuck, he struggled to feel that kind of concern over people who he called friends (just not good friends, like Murphy).  Something was broken in him, and had been broken in him as a mortal because he remembered being the same back then, too.  Why had he believed that being like this made him a better vampire?  It was so conceited.

Conceit.  Arrogance.  These were words that had haunted him because he'd heard them in thoughts about himself, or in the looks of faces of people who'd passed him by.  Kerr had received all of the self-doubt and the tears that came from them, but everyone else received his contempt.

All this time he'd believed that Ichabod was weaker than him because he gave a shit.  How messed up was that?  Not only that, but Ichabod had been living with his tormentor (Ben) for over two years before finally having enough and moving out.  That wasn't weak, that was strong!  Ben had looked down upon such a move from his lofty place and judged his brother callously for it, not realising that escape didn't mean running away, in Ichabod's case, it meant having the courage to face the world alone, and having the courage to leave the monster in the shadows via Ben.  He didn't even know if he'd been as bad as Themba, he didn't fucking remember!

And oh God, then he'd pursued Ichabod and demanded they be friends.  What the hell?  It would be like what Themba had done to him tonight.

Be with me, remain connected with me, or else.

And in a bizarre twist, Ben had also demanded Ichabod make some dominating sexual move on him, to get the upper hand.  Was Ben truly retarded?  Had he not seen that dominance didn't work that way?  If Ichabod had complied, then it would've been Ben bullying him all over again.  No wonder his fledge brother was shy around him.  Had Ben really expected more?!

Now Kerr was cuddled up against him while Ben stared up at the ceiling, with his sire lying in his usual spot.  Ben hoped Ichabod would just go to Kerr's other side.  He didn't want to be the tormentor, he didn't want to be someone's shadow-monster.  Ichabod couldn't trust that Ben wouldn't turn on him again - Ben had already done so much damage, and recently.

When Ichabod came out of the bathroom smelling minty fresh, Ben didn't look at him.  He didn't look at him even when Ichabod moved to his other side and crawled into bed beside him.  When Ichabod then took his hand and held it underneath the covers, Ben used his other hand (the one that had been folded over his own chest as Kerr had tucked against him) to cover his eyes and begin sobbing.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod opened his eyes and lifted his head as Ben began to cry, a worried frown creasing his forehead. He realised Ben’s hand and lifted his to lightly touch his brother’s shoulder, oblivious to the fact that he was the reason behind the tears. He lightly reached out to touch Ben’s mind, but found it still shut and he guessed that maybe it had been for his previous message but he wasn’t sure.

“Ben, it’s okay, you’re okay, you’re safe here,” he whispered, squeezing Ben’s shoulder gently, believing Ben might be thinking about the narrow escape he’d had tonight with Themba. He wanted to help, to make Ben feel better. Ben confused him completely sometimes, with how he acted and the decisions he made, but Ichabod didn't want him upset, especially not after this past week.

[Existentially Odd]

Kerr closed his eyes, feeling every one of Ben's sobs echo through him - and not just because he was on his side and pressed against the left side of Ben's body.  Every shake, every mewl hurt his heart as he shared his lover's pain.  He couldn't bring himself to reassure Ben as Ichabod was and he was grateful that his youngest was able to; he'd been so terrified that he'd be completely ineffectual against Themba tonight - and still would be, if the tormentor turned up - that he found it difficult to say the word 'safe' and mean it.

But things were as okay as they could be now and though he couldn't say the words, he could still show reassurance.  He rubbed the palm of his hand across Ben's torso, slowly sweeping in circles across his cool, firm skin, while he leaned down and pressed soft kisses to the upper arm that had lifted near his face, due to Ben covering his face with that hand.  His bare leg rubbed soothingly against Ben's beneath the covers and, in between kisses, he whispered of love and being glad they were together.  Other than that, all he could do was hold his love and just let him cry out his emotions.

[Trillian]

He cried for a while, listening to soothing noises coming at him from both sides.  Kerr's motions beneath the covers made him uncomfortable so he tilted slightly towards Ichabod before second-guessing himself and not wanting to do anything against his fledge brother anymore, so returned to his position on his back, though drew up his knees and making a mound in the bed with the covers.  He got himself under control in stages, and once he'd stopped crying, he removed his hand by wiping it down his face.  He didn't say sorry for crying, or apologise to Ichabod even though he badly wanted to.  There had to be the right time and place, and right now wasn't it.

"I want to tell you everything," he said, "because last time, when I kept it to myself and pretended it didn't happen, it messed me up.  I don't want to go there again, so I want to tell you everything."

As he spoke, he felt even further under control, and took that as a sign to mean that he was making the right decision in sharing.

[Existentially Odd]

Ben's drawing away from him wasn't lost on Kerr and he ceased moving immediately, having been very cautious about even touching Ben without invitation since he was reunited with him.  He didn't know how much might have been done to his lover and so he shuffled back a little more and withdrew his hand, ensuring that he was close but no longer brushing against Ben in any way.  He leaned up on his right elbow, head in the palm of his hand and simply watched while the sobbing was reined in gradually, exchanging heartbroken glances with Ichabod across Ben's curled-up body.

When the declaration that they would be told everything came, he was both relieved and anxious.  This was a horrible, familiar path to walk down once again - except this time it came after Kerr had been told in no uncertain terms that he was a failure as a protector.  It wasn't going to be pleasant but he certainly wanted to understand the extent of the damage that fucking ancient had done.  Again.  "That's fine," he said encouragingly, lifting his left hand to pat Ben or something but stopping short of contact and instead lowering the hand back to being curled over his own hip.  Now more than ever, he guessed Ben would need his space to retell his short tale (and hopefully the limited length of exposure to the psychotic tormentor meant that nothing too horrific had occurred).

[pinkroses]

Ichabod stopped talking at the end of his short reassurance, letting his hand rest gently on Ben’s shoulder as Kerr kissed and nuzzled at the blonde, whispering words of love. He felt like he was intruding (again), but at the same time he didn’t want to leave when Ben obviously needed support. And when Ben rolled towards him, stopping Kerr’s advances, Ichabod was glad he hadn’t gone or moved away. Maybe Ben wanted space, but he needed them too.

His dark eyes flickered across the Kerr, raising an eyebrow slightly, questioning silently if there was anything they should do, but Ben had eventually quietened and was letting them know what he needed.

Ichabod frowned slightly, settling his head down on the pillow to listen to what Ben had to say. He hadn’t heard anything much at all about what had happened last time so he was desperately curious to know what had happened this time and maybe learn more about last time Themba had held Ben. If Ben wanted to talk to Kerr alone about this, he would have made it obvious, or picked a different time and Ichabod was glad that for now he was being included, as horrible as the circumstances were. His gaze stayed on Ben, thinking Kerr's acceptance would probably be the only go ahead Ben would need to tell them what happened.

[Trillian]

Taking in a deep breath and releasing it in a controlled manner like someone getting ready to lift something heavy, Ben got his emotions in check and began to speak, starting from the first moment he'd seen Themba again.  Ben looked at and talked to the ceiling.

"It was a surprise for both of us, seeing one another in that shop.  He didn't have time to cloak his real emotion at seeing me, well, his first instinct anyway.  He said my name and I went to him.  I thought later that I was trying to stop something worse from happening, like he was going to hunt me down or something, but that's not right.  I went to him because I couldn't not go to him."  He paused here, though didn't want to, because he hadn't wanted to give this action more importance or power.  He hurriedly continued.  "I lost track of where I was and who I was with.  It was like going back, being back in his hold, when he owned me.  Ichabod..." he looked over at his fledge brother apologetically, "he woke me up, in a way, by reaching for Themba, and I knew that if I didn't interfere, if I didn't knock you down myself, then he would.  I've seen him almost beat someone to death.  I've almost been beaten to death.  I didn't want that to... to happen to you."  He shook his head.  "I'm sorry I shoved you and said those mean things, but... it was all I could come up with to get you out of the way."

He couldn't look at Ichabod anymore without being awash with guilt, so stared back at the ceiling again.  If Ichabod said anything, Ben would listen but wouldn't respond other than to continue with his story.

"I said a couple of things the wrong way.  I'd wanted to make myself unworthy while not making him angry but... it backfired.  He wanted to talk more so sent Ichabod away and took me to his room.  He was caught between wanting me and knowing he couldn't have me, because his clan had vowed to destroy me on sight."  That was a nice little tidbit, should he ever see those women again.  He doubted they'd converse with him and give him a chance to appeal as Themba had done.  "I told him I would go with him, that I would be with him, because I figured anything else would have him angry and violent.  I promised him that I would be loyal, that I would send you away, that you would leave me alone because you would respect my wishes and you had Ichabod to look after.  He didn't think that was enough.  He wanted to keep me secretly, and because Ichabod knew he had me and had likely gone to tell you, you both knew that we were together and might appeal to his clan so he was going to destroy you both in order for me and him to have a proper go of it."  He paused again, because it was difficult to remain emotionless at the idea of Kerr and Ichabod dying just because Ben had said a few wrong things.

When he spoke again, he was quieter, and if either Ichabod or Kerr tried to interrupt his next bit of telling, he would hold out his hand to them in silence and raise his voice a little to speak over them.  This part had to be done in one telling.

"I told him no, that he shouldn't do that.  He argued and I argued some more and he realised it was because I wasn't really dedicated to him.  He turned on me then, he got angry and said that I wasn't worth the pain and the heartache, or words to that affect," he closed his eyes for a moment and stared up at the ceiling again, wanting to finish his story.  "He took my head in his hands and was about to... uh, he was going to, um, pull it off... but I said wait, and he waited, but there was nothing I could think of to say.  I figured if I went with him it was only going to end like this, and this way you would both be left alive, and I wouldn't have to be with him... so I had nothing to say, no argument why he shouldn't.  I... I had to say or do something though, because I'd asked him to wait, and so I kissed him goodbye.  I don't know how or why, but what I did changed his mind. He said he wouldn't dirty his hands with my poison and this was a real goodbye and I should go.  I left."

There, he was finished, and thought he better point out that his tale was done.

"That's all."

[pinkroses]

When Ben apologised for what he’d said and gave his reasons Ichabod’s cheeks would have flushed if he’d drunk properly that night. When Ben had come back he’d realised Ben had said it and lashed out at him to get him away and keep him safe, but there had been a few minutes Ichabod had actually believed Ben wanted to go with Themba and leave them. And with the way Ben had been drawn to the ancient Ichabod thought it had been a reasonable assumption at the time.

“That’s ok,” he murmured with a small shrug without going into it more. He wanted to apologise for believing Ben might have wanted to leave, but now didn’t feel like a good time to do it. Ben still had more to tell them so Ichabod fell silent again.

He chewed gently on his lower lip as Ben told them the ancient had almost ripped his head off – scared again for Ben even though his head was obviously still in the right place, physically at least.

“It’s done now,” Ichabod said quietly, unsure for what else he could say and thinking it would be better to leave it to Kerr to say more for now.

[Existentially Odd]

When Ben finished speaking, Kerr shifted so that he could grasp his lover's left hand in his right.  He hoped it wouldn't be too much contact for him, because he desperately needed to touch his fledgling at that moment.  As Ichabod spoke, Kerr rolled unassumingly onto his back, shuffling the bedclothes over his hips quietly and squeezing the fuck out of Ben's hand while he also stared at the ceiling and processed what had been said to he and Cub.

They'd escaped certain death tonight.  The truly unsettling part about it was that none of them could explain how, just as none of them could claim courting said death in the first place.  It had slunk into their midst like a hungry panther, driven by its own motives and spooked for the same reason.  It hadn't been defeated, for it hadn't been faced and even if it was again in the future... there was no guarantee of safety.  They were doomed.

For tonight, there'd been a reprieve and the gratitude Kerr felt for that was indescribable.  Ben's life had literally been in Themba's hands and, for whatever reason, he had been allowed to walk away with it.  To return to those who loved him.  It was a simple act but the void he looked into when he thought of what it would have been like to feel Ben's lifeforce severed from their bloodline showed him that it was truly profound.  Their relationship was not perfect and he'd just been beaten over the heart yet again by the fact that he was virtually powerless in the face of fate and the workings of the world, but it was precious.

Ben was precious.  And he was alive and right here, held tightly in his grasp and Kerr literally didn't ever want to let him go again.

Tears welled as he looked at the ceiling, the power of Ben's ordeal, the vastness of the horror, the depths of the blackness they were bandying about overwhelming him and crushing his chest.  He was quiet, but it hurt to be so, the tears leaking out the corners of his eyes as he did his best to mourn the near-miss, to celebrate the relief of triumph and to suppress the terror that lurked behind them, in another town and also at their backs, invisible and insidious because now they knew how close they really lived to it.  Now they fully understood just how tentative their existence was, for they'd looked into a place of loss so black they were just about reflected in it.  And it could happen at any time, when any monster was having a bad day, when they got separated or when their concentration lapsed for even a moment.

For immortals, they were awfully fragile in their world and Kerr couldn't help but weep over it.

"I'm glad he let you go," he said after a while, turning his head on the pillow to look in Ben's direction.  His emotions were like bath towels left in the rain, sodden, heavy and deplorably hard to wring out, even with large, strong hands such as his.  He'd had plenty of practice at blocking them from his fledglings lately but he was too overwrought to hold much back now, and he could sense his feelings leaking into his progeny and enhancing their own states of distress.  It was a messy little circuit and he knew it was his place, as the sire, to moderate it, and so he did his best to focus on the positive, the fact that Ben was here between them and they weren't dead yet.  They still had a future.  "I don't know what I'd do without you," he confessed, his face screwing up into an ugly expression of sorrow as another wave of sadness overcame him. "I love you.  And I believe you; we can only do our best for each other.  I see that now.  We'll do our best," he promised, squeezing Ben's hand even tighter (if it was possible).

[Trillian]

"I'll do my best too," Ben said through numb lips.  He could feel the wash of angst, shock and relief pouring at him from Kerr, and the guilt from Ichabod (perhaps he was extra-receptive to them now, being physically in the middle like he was).  It was like watching the ocean, though - there was a peculiar sense of detachment.  The surreal feeling hadn't entirely left him after leaving the hotel, but at least that dream-like quality was gone, where he was confused about his place in time and what was real and what wasn't.  It had all been real, and the raw emotion he was feeling (though not his own, he could at least identify with it) made it real.

Yes, he would do his best, and he knew he wouldn't ever be able to properly fix Ichabod and himself, just like he knew Themba wouldn't ever be able to properly fix things between himself and Ben.  It was weird, to think that it had been another tormenter (Declan?) that had motivated him to antagonise Ichabod (according to Kerr), and it had been Ben's messed up ideas of dominance (thanks to Themba) that he thought would help things.  Evil couldn't be cured with evil.

"I love you, too," he said, feeling it was a little late to say it in response, but not too late.

[pinkroses]

Ichabod burrowed his cheek against the pillow as he gazed at Ben, his gaze occasionally flickering past to his sire on the other side of his brother. He stayed quiet as he felt the grief and upset from his family, trying to not let himself be overwhelmed by it. They were both so unhappy, so upset and yes, it was scary, they had all almost died. It could so easily have just been two people here as dawn approached – or even one of them left alone. But they were alive. They were all together and Ichabod was desperately trying to cling to that positive or he knew he would crumble as well.

As Kerr and Ben declared their love to one another Ichabod rolled away from Ben and onto his back, and then onto his side facing away from them, trying not to disturb them with his movement. He felt like he should try to leave them alone as Kerr had started talking about their relationship (Ichabod  assumed).

It had been such a difficult week in so many ways, but Ichabod had felt like he and Ben might actually be getting somewhere. But when they got back home… then what? Ben and Kerr would go back to living together with Ichabod on the other side of the city. He was glad Ben was still here and he couldn’t have imagined what losing him would have been like, losing a part of his family, his blood. But with Kerr telling Ben he was glad Ben was here and that he loved him Ichabod didn’t feel like anything he could say would fit in. None of it would match up and it was all pointless.

Tired and hungry as he was, with all the emotions running so high in the room Ichabod shut his eyes, trying to block it out mentally, wishing he was as good at his defences as Ben. Him trying to comfort either of them wouldn’t do any good, they just needed each other and he could just be there when he was needed. It didn’t happen much, but sometimes he was needed. And maybe when they got home he would be again sometime.